I Thought Unicorns Were a Myth

Birthdays

2010-06-10T22:17:00.001-04:00

This post is a little out of order given everything that's going on, but I did want to commemorate Sweet Pea's first birthday! I made him a cake and we gave him one gift, and it was a special night. He has a ton of other gifts (because I went a bit crazy), and hopefully sometime we can reschedule Daniel's first birthday party.

He is walking and babbling like mad. Such a cutie!

Happy birthday to him and hopefully we'll get to

-- Post From My iPhone

Pain

2010-06-10T21:43:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow Husband and I will journey to Richmond to say goodbye to my father. After that, his doctors will remove him from life support, and my stepmother and I will begin to plan his service.

I'm still somewhat in shock. My father went into the hospital on May 25 for open heart surgery to remove a huge aneurysm in his aorta. The surgery went well, but his recovery was slow and complicated. Then, a week ago, he finally started feeling better and was having a good day when the doctors took him for a routine test. During that test he fainted and his heart stopped. It took them 20 minutes to get his heart beating again and it ultimately took manual stimulation.

Amazingly he made it through surgery and that night. And the next few nights. They closed his chest on
Monday and were encouraged. Unfortunately, yesterday they determined there was no brain function and confirmed it today.

Tomorrow we'll be on our way to Richmond.

It just still seems so unreal. The surgery was supposed to be routine and now my father is brain dead. Daniel's first birthday was last week. I has sent pictures of him digging into the cake I made him, a cake made in an heirloom cake pan my farher's grandmother had made MY first cake in. Unfortunately my father wasn't up to seeing those pictures, and now it is too late.

While I regret that Daniel will not get to know my father, I am thankful that my father met him and knew we had been successful in our quest for a baby. And thanks to Daniel, I saw my father twice as much in the last year as I typically did.

It's just so unbelievable and sad. And I am sad. I didn't ever expect to be losing a parent, well, any time soon.

-- Post From My iPhone

What If...

2010-05-01T10:58:00.002-04:00

This year's National Infertility Awareness Week is making me feel introspective and reflective. It's probably due to my change in circumstances. Baby Boy is napping next to me. He is almost a year old and brings us such joy. He has changed our lives in small and profound ways, and thinking of not having him makes me catch my breath and feel sick. I've always felt like getting to this point was like climbing a huge mountain-uphill journey all the way. Now that I'm at the top, I feel like there is a sheer drop off just on the other side. And that has inspired my What If.

What if I lived in a time when we didn't have this knowledge about fertility and treatment options? What if I lived 100, 50, heck even 10-20 years earlier? I would have had few or no options. If I had lived 100 years ago, Husband and I would be one of those childless couples who know only that they apparently cannot have children. More recently, I might know what our specific problems were but have no treatment options. I feel so fortunate to live in a state and country and age in which there are options. That allowed us to pursue gestational surrogacy and will hopefully allow us to pursue it again in a few years. The thought of being prevented from having my sweet boy due to being born in an earlier age when medical knowledge was lacking and treatment options non-existant sends chills down my spine.

And what if women in the future never had to worry about treatment options because success rates were higher and legislation didn't get in the way of family building? We've come a long way in short period of time, and my hope is that future generations of women can look back at our time and shake their heads, grateful not to be living in such a "primitive" time medically.

That's my What If.

Yesterday I donated my leftover meds to my old clinic. I had hoped to be able to give them to someone who was cycling because blogger Samantha had done the same for me when we were cycling, and I hoped to be able to pay it forward, but I don't know anyone cycling right now. It made me feel good to donate them, though. Hopefully someone will be able to use them.

http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/
http://www.resolve.org/takecharge

Remember Me?

2010-01-15T19:24:00.004-05:00

Argh. I really apologize that my posting has been so sporadic. Being home with D kept me busy but returning to work really amplified that. I feel like most work week nights revolve around coming home -> baby stuff ->eating ->trying to get to bed at a decent hour. I have read probably 2, no more than 3 books for "fun" since August. Life is definitely different!

I love it though. I admit to being more tired than I ever knew I could be, and it's been interesting adjusting to leaving work behind at 4:30 on the dot because my MIL would be waiting in the parking lot to drop off the baby. I've always had a problem letting go of work, so being forced to shut down at 4:30 has been nice, but it's also been difficult b/c there has been some work I've needed to do after hours to catch up or do research, and I just don't have the time or energy. Oh well. It's an adjustment, right?

Daniel is doing soooo well! He is 7.5 months now and WILD!! This week I declare him to be officially crawling, and he has two bottom teeth and two top teeth threatening to come through any day now. He went from barely being able to sit up without a supporting arm on Jan. 2 to being able to sit up straight without any support a few days ago. The milestones are coming fast and furious! He smiles a lot and is very happy. He makes us soooo very happy. Our first Christmas with him was perfect. It really was the perfect holiday for us: no travel, lots of family, family who didn't outstay their welcome, a private Christmas, etc. I didn't expect him to get much of Christmas, so I was unprepared for the joy on his face when he saw what Santa brought. We barely did "Santa" his first year, but we loved it!

He is eating solids along with formula, and he loves them. I never thought I would do this, but I am making all of his veggies and fruits. He eats carrots, sweet potatoes, peas, green beans, cauliflower, apples, pears, squash, and peaches. He eats more veggies and fruits than Husband does!! LOL

We are having a great time with him. Each day is an adventure. I've started to think a little about a second child and what that would entail, but we won't seriously talk about it until his first birthday--which will likely be around the corner based on how quickly time is flying! More on that topic to come.

I definitely have not forgotten my infertility, but it has been so great having him here. He is wonderful.

I hope you all are having a good 2010 so far.

9/9/09-belated

2009-09-20T20:50:00.001-04:00

AKA my birthday! I'm so amused by the date this year. I remember that it was somewhat of a big deal in 1999 too when the date was 9/9/99.

I'm 32 this year. 32. I remember when 32 seemed old but yet it also seems so young. I can tell the demographics at work are changing slightly. I've worked at my present place of employment for 9 years. For most of that time, I was the youngest full-time employee. In the last few years, we've added a few employees who are several years younger. It's not a big deal, but there is a decent-sized gap between me and the next oldest employee too. Sometimes being a member of either the last years of Gen X or the first years of Gen Y is pretty lonely.

But I digress. It's been a pretty quiet birthday, and I don't mind. Not surprisingly, my attitude towards my birthday was different this year. I felt much more serene and perfectly happy to do little celebrating. In the past few years, I felt like my birthday was one of the few things I had and needed to cling to it, counting cards and emails and hoping I would be remembered. This year? Eh...not so much. I still wanted my birthday acknowledged, but I didn't need it to be so. I attribute this change to Daniel obviously. I feel ok. Calm. Happy.

Happy is a weird place for me. I've always been one of those half-empty, cynical people. For the most part, I still am. But overall I feel so full. So calm. Serene and tranquil. I roll my eyes as I type those words because they seem so absurd and cliche. But it is how I feel. I feel grounded. And delighted.

Sometimed I wonder when the warm, fuzzy feelings will abate. I feel infatuated and wonder when that will wear off. I'm not saying I want it to, but I wonder when I will start finding a behavior or stage irritating and feel that I can and must address it for "my child" and not "precious miracle baby."

Eh, a bit heavy topic for tonight! Work has gone well. Everyone has told me how happy they are to see me and glad that I am back. There is a ton to do, so I'm kept busy and that helps. MIL is having a great time with Daniel. She sends us the cutesy emails about his activities every day. It's a great situation, and I'm glad it is working so far.

Daniel might be teething. He is drooling a lot and constantly has his fist in his mouth. He is very chatty! He is still flirting with sleeping through the night. He is grabbing at things and trying to pull himself up. His grins slay me!

Recently I discovered that F placed a new ad on SurroMoms' classifieds forum. I was a little shocked because she had stated over and over that she wasn't going to look for a new couple but would work again with only us and her previous couple. I shouldn't be bothered by it because she is free to do what she wants, but it still feels weird. She is still pumping for us, and I'm not going to ask about the ad. I wish her luck in whatever she pursues, but it sort of feels like what you feel when your ex starts dating someone else lol.

And can I say how exhausted I am? Working and coming home and taking care of D is exhausting. He is an angel, and we are so happy, but it is still exhausting. I've started thousands of blog posts that I've never finished. But it's a wonderful time. I want to post more and hope to do so. I try to go to bed by 11 at the latest and since MIL meets me at work, there is no snoozing for me. And we are usually out of bed and having coffee by 9am most weekends. That is a HUGE change for us, but it is nice too because I feel like we have much more time to get stuff done.

Life is different but wonderful. Fall is our season, and Husband and I are truly looking forward to this one.

-- Post From My iPhone

Back to Work

2009-08-23T18:15:00.006-04:00

I apologize again for the delay in posting. It's just been hard to find the time or energy to post. Daniel is quite a dynamo!

Amazingly and sadly, tomorrow is my first day back at work. I can't believe it has been 12 weeks already. The summer is almost over! September is mere days away! Daniel will be 12 weeks on Tuesday and 3 months on September 2. I've enjoyed these last 12 weeks so much. It's not an option for me to stay home, and in some ways, I feel relief that the choice is made for me. I don't know what I would choose otherwise.

Daniel is great. He is a robust 11 pounds, 14 ounces as of Thursday...a whole 5 pounds, 4 ounces more than he weighed at birth! I think he's about to outgrow many of his 0-3 months outfits. Suddenly it has hit me that my baby boy is getting big!

He is cooing and chatting up a storm. I love it. We talk all day. I sing to him, and it is so rewarding when he gives me a big grin in response. Ohhhhh he is precious!

I don't deal well with change in general, so that's part of my nervousness about tomorrow. In some ways, it feels like the first day of school. I know there have also been a ton of changes at work, and the effort required to reacquaint myself with them and force my brain into work-mode seems exhausting. But I think it will be nice at the same time which of course is part of the problem. Thankfully I am working half days my first week back, so that will help the transition.

Our daycare situation has changed in that my MIL has volunteered to watch Daniel, and we accepted. It was completely unexpected, but she and my step-FIL as well as her parents are super excited about it because they didn't get this much time with their other grandchild and are excited to be able to spend time with D. We're going to pay her, but it still will come out way less than daycare. We were really lucky. I'm not 100% convinced the situation is going to work out due to Husband's grandmother's health problems. My MIL is an only child, and I wonder if she will need to take care of Husband's grandmother, but it is extremely important to Husband's grandmother that D not go to daycare, so we'll play it by ear for now. I had a minor freak out a few weeks ago about D in daycare and worrying about whether the staff would comfort him when he cried (silly I know since we loved the daycare we had selected), so I'm happy for Daniel to be with family for at least a little while.

There has been some drama with my mother over Daniel staying with MIL. Argh. I'm not sure what to make of my mother. She was great when we brought him home (cooking and cleaning non-stop) but over the 4th she read Twilight practically the entire time and then whined about how she hadn't gotten to spend any time with him. She then wanted desperately to come up again, and we settled on a date only for her to decide to reschedule at the last minute. We decided on early August, and they were running late to the point where they didn't arrive until almost 2pm. It was kind of weird considering all I had been hearing was how much she and my stepfather longed to see him again. He was napping when they arrived.

I told her gently about Husband's mom keeping D instead of him going to daycare (and it's kind of absurd that I felt the need to tiptoe around this revelation at all) and while she was supportive of that, she became maudlin. The quantity of alcohol she consumed didn't help. She went outside and cried, later informing us she was having a bit of a pity party. She barely held D, only talking to him and then whining that he wasn't going to know them. I think she went outside to cry a few more times. Keep in mind at this point he was about 9 weeks old...he had barely started to recognize and respond even to Husband at this point. D starts crying late in the afternoon like hungry, sleepy babies do, and we were trying to feed, change and put him to bed. My mother and stepfather followed us everywhere---even into our bedroom where D's Pack N Play is--and tried to help, handing us diapers and just generally getting in the way. It was so annoying that we finally shooed everyone out. My mother proceeded to make a mess in the kitchen cooking (we had originally planned to go out to eat but she decided to bring food). Around 10pm, I absconded to the bedroom where Husband already was keeping guard over the baby. He was furious. We rounded up the cats and locked the door, all 6 of us sleeping in the bedroom because we didn't trust my mother not to try to come in and see Daniel.

Argh. It's a weird situation. I believe my mother loves her grandson, but my stepfather keeps mentioning how she's trying to get used to having a grandson instead of a granddaughter and will have to figure out what to do with him. In April when he said that I didn't pay too much attention because it may have been a one-off comment but he has repeated it several times since then. She doesn't interact with D much though. She doesn't hold him much but instead spends time looking over patterns to make him a christening gown or reading. I can't decide if she truly has a problem with him being a boy or just isn't good with babies. It's hard because she tells me she wishes she were closer and saw him more and that they have my cousin bring over her baby boy (less than 1 month older than D) so they can get their baby fix. I feel like they get their "fix" satisfied to the point where they don't even need to hold D.

The one bright spot is that I have always rather cow-towed to my mother due to her unpredictability, and I wondered if I would be able to stand up to her once D was here, and I was reassured to discover that yes, I could. I went into Mama Bear mode. HE is my priority and HE gives me the strength to stand up to her. I don't want him to have to worry about any of this crap.

Fingers crossed tomorrow and the rest of the go smoothly! My hair has been cut and my toes freshly polished :-) Hopefully that helps give me strength.

An Update...Finally!

2009-07-11T12:23:00.010-04:00

I have been trying to post for weeks, but Daniel has been keeping my hands full literally! I have a moment now while he's listening to the mobile in the Pack N Play.

Daniel will be 6 weeks old on Tuesday--hard to believe!--and things are going well! At his one month check-up, he had gained almost 2 pounds and weighed 8 pounds, 5 ounces (birth weight was 6 pounds, 7 ounces). The pediatrician keeps worrying me slightly by saying he should be eating around 5 ounces per feeding at this point, and he's eating around 3.5, but he's growing, so that's the important thing I guess. He is sleeping pretty well at night, going down for a 4-hour stretch and then a few 3-hour stretches. He wants to eat almost every 3 hours on the dot; he's better than any alarm clock at letting us know he's hungry!

He's a pretty laid-back baby, which we enjoy. He has had a few fussy periods, especially in the afternoon, but so far, nothing too bad! He is starting to coo and wiggle a lot. He is smiling, but so far he hasn't really smiled AT us in response. I'm hoping for one any day now!

Happily, the cats pretty much leave him alone. They aren't scared of him at all and will come and sniff him but move when he wiggles.

It's been a great 6 weeks! We switched him to breast milk at around 2 weeks, and he transitioned smoothly. We have enjoyed watching his cheeks firm up, and I think he has his daddy's blue eyes. We've gotten out of the house some. His first non-doctor trip was to the library! He has been to the grocery store, Target, a local bakery, work, and a baby shower.

It took his belly button three full weeks to fall off, and boy, was it stinky!!! I was so glad when it fell off. We had been keeping him in t-shirts to let it air out, so as soon as it fell off, I whisked him into a onesie. He is still wearing newborn sizes, but I suspect that won't last too much longer!

Almost all of our family members have met him, and it's been great seeing how excited they are to hold him and get to know him. My MIL feels pretty excluded from my nephew's life, so she really welcomes the chance to be a grandmother to Daniel. He is staying with her on Monday evening, and she went right out and bought a Pack N Play of her own in preparation. My mother has declared she will have to come up at least once a month.

I think Husband and I have adapted pretty well to have a small baby in the house. Each day certainly is different! I've probably cooked more meals in the past few weeks than I did in the last 6 months while we were putting in the floors LOL. We eat a lot of takeout, never fear! Never a dull moment! I'm already dreading returning to work, but I'm thankful that I still have 6 more weeks.

It's just been amazing and great. He changes each day, and I love noticing the changes.

I'll try to update more frequently from now on! Oh, I also wanted to thank all of you for support over the circumcision judgment. It meant a lot to me that you all support our right to make our own decision for our child the way we see fit. I really, really appreciated it!

Ah, Let the Judgment Begin

2009-06-09T02:29:00.003-04:00

I have received two comments recently from anonymous posters not only questioning but openly criticizing us for having Daniel circumcised. When I read the first one, I simply gritted my teeth and deleted it. The second one, however, I feel compelled to leave up and to respond to, especially since there were a few personal attacks involved. It's probably not the best idea; I should probably turn the other cheek and let sleeping dogs lie and all that, but I'm up and reasonably coherent. Of course, I'm sure this post will fall on deaf ears or blind eyes since I doubt the two posters will ever return to read it, but maybe I'll be surprised.

First of all, my husband and I chose to circumcise our son for our own reasons. We researched it and talked to other parents of boys, both those who had and hadn't circumcised theirs. We are well-versed in the arguments for and against; I am confident we made a well-reasoned decision. It was our choice to make, and we made it. Therefore, I'd appreciate no further comments on the matter. If you chose not to circumcise your son and/or believe that it is equivalent to female genital mutilation, that is your prerogative. We do not. I am sure that there are choices you make in your life that I would consider horrific. The circumcision discussion is closed.

Now, as for you, dear Anonymous (how clever of you not to use any sort of identity. How brave of you! Or more truthfully, how cowardly), never question my desire for my son and my happiness, nay, elation and exhilaration to have him with me. At last. After four horrible, dark years. I love him more than I ever knew was possible.

If my post on the hospital experience came off as whiny, that was not the intent. Perhaps you, dear Anonymous, have never been through a surrogacy journey. There are many, many complex emotions involved as well as many hoops to jump through. As an Intended Mother, I had to give up carrying my own child and get over any issues with watching another women carry my child, worrying constantly whether she was taking care of herself (needlessly but that's just how it goes). I had to deal with everyone always asking if the baby was biologically ours before they sighed with relief and sort of gave their blessing to what we were doing. No matter how wonderful your surrogate is and how close the relationship, there is no getting past the fact that one of the seminal events of your life--having a baby--doesn't involve only you and your spouse but includes at least one other person as well. It is stressful.

In order to pursue and navigate our surrogacy journey, Husband and I pretty much had to project manage it. Find out the tests both we and F needed, deal with the attorney, etc. In short, we had to get a lot of ducks in a row. Imagine our distress to get to the hospital and find out that all of the organization and plans we were told we had to make were moot because the hospital apparently didn't know anything. We felt like we did our part. We got our documentation together. We had called people to check and re-check needs and procedures. And then we were still met with confusion.

Honestly, the confusion over our surrogacy situation didn't bother us as much as the other stuff; we're used to confusion about surrogacy after all ;-) What really bothered us was the level of incompetence and overall befuddlement the nurses displayed about seemingly routine matters. F picked the hospital--a large hospital with a nice birthing center--because she had given birth there four times before and recommended it. Even F's husband was commenting on how off the hospital was this time.

It's not about the room we were in. I don't expect luxury from a freaking hospital (though one of the birth center rooms would have been a LOT nicer). I do, however, expect competence from people whose job it is to take care of you and get you what you need. THAT is what seemed to be lacking, and THAT is what made the hospital experience less than optimal.

Maybe this post is for nothing and it likely won't change your impression of me as a whiney brat who chooses to bitch about "trivial" matters instead of somehow proving she loves her new baby. I at least feel better. The bottom line is that you, dear Anonymous, were not in the hospital with us, did not experience the ups and downs of the last 9 months or the last 4 years. You can believe me that the hospital wasn't the greatest experience or you can continue to think that I am whining. Oh well.

If you'd like to continue this conversation, feel free to email me.

I'm off to cuddle my baby and feed him his bottle (oh yeah. I didn't induce lactation either but rest assured that he will be starting breast milk next week once F has a good supply build up. Care to chastise me for my failings there as well?).

I don't mind dissent, but there is a difference between dissent and out-and-out meanness, especially when you haven't walked in my shoes.

Birth Story Cont'd: Post-Partum

2009-06-07T16:06:00.002-04:00

The rest of our time at the hospital was mixed and stressful unfortunately. N was right on in her comment to a post before Daniel was born. This hospital delivers tons of babies every day, but I swear there were moments where I wondered if they had ever delivered a baby before. This hospital has a public cord blood center on-site, yet they found our private cord blood collection kit confusing. I hope we were able to get some usable cells, but who knows. It took us forever to be moved from the delivery room to a post-partum room, and when we were, we were moved to the overflow area in the main hospital instead of one of the nice rooms in the birth center. It felt weird and somehow not right wheeling our newborn in his isolette down a long hall, into an elevator, and down another hall.

This wing of the hospital was apparently undergoing construction because almost as soon as we got into the room, we could hear very loud hammering and scraping that at time sounded like the workers would be coming through the ceiling. The nurses apologized profusely, informing us they had no idea construction would be going on when they reopened that floor. Hours later we were finally moved to another room down the hall.

When we explained the surrogacy situation to the nurses, they looked at each other, baffled, and one said, “Oh, We’ve never encountered that situation before. We’ll have to think about how to handle it.” Feeling good and confident at this point! They were obviously confused about whether they needed to address me or F about Daniel’s circumcision and other issues that needed a parent’s signature. One of the nurses commented that even though we were the parents, there might be some legal issues involved that necessitated F signing. F and her husband and Husband and I whipped out our PBOs at that point and told the nurse we had legal documentation. The infuriating thing was that F had delivered her previous surro baby at this hospital 1.5 years ago and I also doubt that we have been the only other case they’ve encountered since then.

The birth certificate lady informed us the state needed another certified copy of our PBO for us to be named parents on the birth certificate (never mind the fact that the hospital had one that they apparently weren’t using since they were clueless). So, instead of getting to spend lots of time with baby boy, Husband had to call the attorney to get another certified copy. He also had to deal with getting the hospital to finish up the cord blood kit procedure, which we had been told would be no big deal.

We left our house so quickly that we didn’t think to grab a few bottles. The hospital provided formula and huge bottle nipples, noting that all babies look like they are choking on them. Um, ok. F was pumping as well, and we wanted to use the colostrum but didn’t have any bottles to put it in. And apparently neither did the hospital. The nurse finally found something that would work, acting like she was doing us a huge favor. Daniel took an ounce of formula early on but refused to take anything else using the large nipples. We tried to feed him the colostrum via a syringe, which didn’t go that well. I wasn’t too concerned about his intake at that point since I had read that newborns actually don’t need much nourishment the first couple of days although that was constantly contradicted by nurses coming in to tell me he needed to eat every 3-4 hours.

When we left, F was in the wheel chair, and the nurse told us that Daniel would have to be wheeled out as well. She was perplexed by what to do since apparently they have only one wheelchair in the entire ginormous hospital; we again heard the now-familiar “I’ll have to figure out how to do this.” She wanted us to take the baby out of his car seat and put him back in the isolette for the trip downstairs, but I refused because he was strapped in and recovering from his circumcision, and I wasn’t going to bother him again. We finally agreed on F holding the car seat on her lap as they wheeled her out.

Amazingly, the only thing that went smoothly was discharge. F had terrified me by telling us that it may take us hours to be discharged, but the hospital was on the ball with that thankfully. I think I would have lost my mind having to sit there any longer.

I don’t want to give the impression that Daniel’s birth was a horrible experience. His birth was wonderful although a bit shocking, fast and terrifying! He was a wonderful baby in the hospital, and I was thankful for my quiet, cooing baby when the baby next door cried all day and all night long (something I could hear clearly all the way on the other side of our room). No, our main irritation was with the hospital and their disorganization.

I have to admit that the whole situation was a bit awkward overall. F was great and never did anything that made me feel weird. It was just that the rooms were small and people were coming in and out and I felt like I had to be “on” 24/7. Husband and I had an important role in this drama since we were the parents of the newborn, but F was the patient. We had no privacy. She had no privacy. The chairs weren’t comfortable. The futon was not ideal for sleeping. I don’t think I went to the bathroom for hours b/c you could hear everything in the room. We were new parents trying to figure out what the hell to do when the baby cried or needed a diaper change, and we had to do it in front of everyone. And never mind the fact that we were feeling a little emotional ourselves since we had just achieved our heart’s desire after 4 long years.

When we first arrived in the post-partum room, the nurses were being unhelpful, F was eating, I was starving and tired, I told Husband that I was about to lose it and I didn’t think I could stay there that night which made me feel awful since that meant leaving my precious newborn in the nursery. I calmed down a bit once I fed the baby, and it was quiet for a while. Then our pediatrician came in and told us that if the baby was doing well, we could be discharged after 24 hours. That then became my goal. If I could get to that, I’d be fine b/c all I wanted to do was go home and be with Husband and Daniel.

The evening went better because we had friends visit. F insisted that she had no problems with any visitors we wanted and to treat the room as our room. F’s parents brought her kids to see the baby later on and finally, everyone, including F’s husband and Husband left around 10:30, and we were alone. Daniel was a bit fussy around midnight and wouldn’t be quieted, and F and I had some nice moments trying to figure out what was going on and her showing me a few tricks. I finally gave in and let the nurse take him to the nursery since all I was doing was watching him, and I was exhausted.

We left the hospital at 1pm on Wednesday, the day after he was born. We felt exhilarated and jubilant as we snapped his car seat in the car and headed home. I kept looking over at my beautiful baby boy, and he makes it all worth it.

Daniel's Birth Story

2009-06-07T15:35:00.008-04:00

I'm just now able to organize my thoughts about our birth experience as well as have the opportunity to get my laptop. I can do a lot with my iPhone but typing a detailed birth story is not one of them! I have two long posts about this, and it's rather stream of consciousness (probably due to fatigue!), so please forgive any rambling or lack of coherence :-)

Last Monday F told me she hadn’t felt good most of the day and was having irregular contractions again, but neither of us thought anything of it. I think we both wondered if she would make the induction date and thought it was very possible he might arrive on his own the following weekend. We texted each other Monday night for a while, and I went to bed around 11. She baked a cake. Next thing I know, I was awakened by the phone ringing at 4:11 am Tuesday morning. I didn’t get to it in time, but then my cell phone started ringing. My heart was thumping b/c I knew there were very few reasons for phone calls at 4am. I answered my cell phone, and R, F’s husband, told me that they were on the way to the hospital. Like a moron, I responded, “Really?” (hey, it was 4am) and said that we’d see them there ASAP. I calmly told Husband that F was in labor. We jumped out of bed and got ready.

We didn’t dawdle, but we didn’t exactly set any speed records for getting ready because we both assumed we’d have a few hours of labor before us (F’s previous labor was 6 hours). We were on the road by 5:30 and at the hospital by about 5:45 (Husband did set a few speed records on the interstate).

I think it’s safe to say that neither of us was prepared for what we were about to see and experience. You see, when we arrived, F was already 7-8 cm dilated. She had been at the hospital for only about 15-20 minutes longer than us. F was in obvious pain, and they couldn’t give her an epidural until her labs returned. We called only our moms and tried to make ourselves as inconspicuous as possible because the situation felt awkward and uncomfortable. I’m not squeamish. I knew that labor is a messy, painful business (I’ve seen The Miracle of Life after all), but it was shocking to walk in and find F in active labor and at the height of contraction pain. All along, the only thing she had said she wanted for labor was an epidural. It is awful watching someone in so much pain, knowing that it’s because of you. It was so stressful that at times, I wanted to flee the room and throw up in the bathroom. But I didn’t. I wanted to touch her and reassure her, hand her ice chips if she wanted them, but I didn’t feel comfortable doing so, as if I would be intruding.

F progressed rapidly to 9cm, and the nurse announced that delivery would be soon. They broke her water and discovered that it contained meconium. The doctor told us that she would cut the baby’s cord and try not to agitate him too much so he wouldn’t cry as much and ingest the meconium before she could have him suctioned. F was able to get her epidural and then the doctor started making worried comments about the baby’s heart rate being lower than she’d like. She even mentioned an emergency c-section if things didn’t improve quickly. At that point, I really was ready to throw up because I felt so helpless at the thought that our baby boy was in distress or having a problem and was so scared and terrified.

Finally, F was ready to push, and the doctor told her that a c-section was still a possibility and to push a hard as she could to get him out as quickly as she could. Three pushes later, Daniel made his appearance. It was 6:48 am and F had been in labor for about 3 hours total. He cried a little, the doctor cut the cord, and the nurses suctioned him thoroughly. They then swaddled him and handed him to me. We have a great picture of me holding him at this point with a somewhat awed and befuddled expression on my face LOL.

F was great. Almost immediately after delivery, she was calm and in obvious relief. Labor and delivery had progressed so rapidly that she hadn’t torn or anything. Not 30 minutes later she told me that she hoped we wanted to pursue a sibling project with her in a few years! Amazing! And Daniel’s head hadn’t been compressed and looked beautiful.

I didn’t cry. I almost did though. I felt so relieved and happy, and he was so beautiful. The nurse gave him a bath (which he hated) and told me he scored an 8 & 9 on his Apgar tests, which relieved me greatly.

I still can't get over how fast the birth happened. I don't think it went the way the four of us intended or thought it would go. I think we all thought we would ease into labor instead of being close to delivering almost immediately. I also still haven't gotten over my worry and fear for Daniel when his heart rate was low. They gave F oxygen during delivery and pronounced Daniel to be perfect, but you better believe I spent some time Googling "fetal distress" and future outcomes. Guess I better get used to worrying about him? I did it when he was in utero, and I guess it will only get worse!

Daniel!

2009-06-03T05:11:00.001-04:00

Just a quick post that Daniel James Gordon H. made his appearance at 6:48 am yesterday morning. He's 6 pounds 7 ounces and 20 inches long. He's adorable! F is doing well after a sudden and quick 3-hour labor. I think she pushed for about 2 minutes and he was out!

I'll post a fuller birth story later. There were some scary moments, but everyone is doing well. I've changed three diapers and elicited two burps :-) Daddy is in love :-)

We are hoping to go home today if the pediatrician lets us. I'm ready to take him home and start settling in.

Soooo glad my tiny peanut is here!

-- Post From My iPhone

Eviction Date Set

2009-05-29T18:18:00.004-04:00

I wish I had more interesting news like we were in L&D at our Raleigh hospital. Alas, I do not. Our appointment today was uneventful and kind of disappointing :-( We have made no further progress in regards to dilation. I think the doctor may have said that F's cervix was ready even though she remained at only 3cm, but other than that, nothing was going on. We now have an induction date set: June 9. Thankfully, this practice will schedule inductions as soon as two days past the due date (I feared we might have to wait until 42 weeks!). After working through the customary confusion over our due date (the OB has consistently wanted to put us at June 8 despite the RE and every calculator putting as at June 3), the doctor said we could be induced June 8. F really likes this doctor, and she isn't on call until June 9, so we all agreed that June 9 would be ok. Hey, it's only one more day at this point.

You would think that having a firm eviction date would put my mind at ease, but it doesn't. Actually, I'm kind of pissed. I expected this baby to be here this week. And now we might have to wait another full week and two whole weekends???? Ughhhhhhh. I know it's ridiculous for me to feel this way, but when I got back to work, I stomped my foot like an irate toddler. I WANT MY BABY. And it doesn't help that F is THRILLED about getting this doctor on June 9 and how convenient it would be for her to deliver then. She said she was going to stop any efforts (like walking, etc.) to get him to come sooner. That pisses me off as well. Frankly, I don't care how convenient it is for her. I just want our baby here with us.

Husband and I are just tired. We've waited almost 4 years for this baby, and we are ready for him to get here. Our journey with F has been mostly extremely smooth and great, but frankly, we're tired of having so many people in the mix. We just want to have our baby, get him home with us and lock the door. We are introverts, and all of this has just gotten to be a little much. Obviously I am a little stressed as well. I've tried not to post about my petty irritations with F--we are very different people and that's ok--in the scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. She is still a wonderful person and it's been an easy journey, but frankly, we can't wait for it to be over.

I know that an eviction date means nothing. Our baby could decide to come tomorrow or early next week (and I kind of hope he will). And yes, it does help me to know that at the very latest, he will be here June 9 or June 10. I'm just impatient. I've never been a very patient person or handled delays well. So this delay combined with the general stress of having a baby has really gotten to me.

It's also complicated by a little family drama. I love my mother. I do. But she drives me crazy a lot of the time. She treats my house like it's her house. She tends to take over. She makes many situations about her. Basically, she stresses me out. I know she wants to come up here at the first sign of labor like my aunts did with my cousins, but it's obviously not a typical situation. I thought we had agreed that she and my stepfather would drive the two hours to see him once he was born or during labor and then go home and then return once we were discharged to spend a few days with us. Well now they are asking about getting a spare key to our house and just hanging out while we are in the hospital. Is it wrong of me to hate that idea? First of all, they don't know Raleigh, so does that mean they will come hang out in the hospital room while F and I are there? Like all day? Ok, I'm already sharing F's room post-delivery...and these aren't huge rooms, so it's a nightmare to think about my mother hanging out ALL DAY while I'm trying to figure out my new baby. The other scenario, the two of them staying in our house while we're at the hospital, doesn't thrill me either. I want to know that when I leave this house--messy or clean--to go to the hospital for our baby is how I will return. I shake at the thought of them locking our cats up accidentally in various rooms and Husband having to deal with them by himself for two days. Plus, my stepfather hates just sitting around, so heaven knows what projects Husband will have to prevent. Is it just me or does that sound like a nightmare waiting to happen?

Ideally, I'd love it if people would leave us alone for a week after the baby comes to start to learn him and his needs and bond. I know that won't happen (I'm an only child), so at the very least, I want a few quiet days in the hospital and then I'll be ready for my mother and the onslaught of visitors.

Ack. I really am going to try to enjoy this weekend. I promise. I bought flowers today to plant in my flower garden, and I dream of taking the baby out to enjoy them later in the summer.

Suspended Animation

2009-05-28T13:53:00.003-04:00

Still here. Still no baby. Baby boy is showing us that he has a mind of his own. F has been pg 4 other times, and each of those times she has never gone past 39 weeks. Until now. Yesterday was 39 weeks. Today is (obviously) 39w1d. And Baby Boy is apparently happy as a clam, moving and squirming but making no move to emerge. I feel a mixture of pride and irritation that our baby is the one to break the cycle; at the same time I fear what that might indicate about his personality and will :-)

It's a weird feeling because I don't know what to do with myself. When I left work on Friday, I left feeling good about where I stood in regards to any outstanding tasks. I had finished all the major stuff. We had a busy weekend putting the house in order and by Monday, we were very pleased with our progress. Baby things washed and put away. Clothes back in our closet. Flooring tools put away. We looked at each other and said, "We're ready!"

When I left work on Friday, I felt myself disengaging from the office. I knew that even if I were at work this week, it would likely be for only a short time, so I returned to work on Tuesday feeling calm and detached. Unfortunately, as the week has progressed, I've somewhat lost those feelings of detachment and calmness. Will he ever come out? Will they make us wait 3 more weeks before inducing us? And F feels great! She has a lot of energy and even thinks her appetite has increased.

It's a little frustrating because I know I need to think of these unexpected extra days as a gift and treasure them. Read. Eat good food. Cuddle with Husband and kitties. Try to sleep. But instead I'm an anxious, stressed mess who just wants the next day to come b/c Baby Boy might make his appearance. Oddly, it feels a lot like it did between cycles when all we did was wait for the next appointment or chance.

I know I'm whining. He will come out eventually, I know that. Our next doctor's appointment is tomorrow, and she could easily tell us she wants to get the show on the road. It's just interesting to me that I'm back to waiting impatiently. At this point, I've decided I'm going to plan on planting flowers on Saturday because I really don't think he'll be here by then!

Twiddling our thumbs

2009-05-23T20:56:00.001-04:00

I wish I had something exciting to report, but I don't. Still no baby. After Wednesday's excitement, things have been pretty quiet. On one hand, I'm glad because the scare earlier in the week served as a very effective paradigm shift, and I've rushed to finish up a few outstanding tasks, pack bags, etc. On the other, we are SO ready to meet him! I wonder if it will be another week or so?

We reached a major milestone today: Husband put the last bit of caulk on the floor in the closet, meaning that after six months, the flooring project has finally ended. I am in disbelief lol. I had a good day straightening up, washing baby things and generally trying to make order out of chaos. It is a long weekend for us, so while I'd love for the baby to come, I'd like a few quiet days as well. I haven't been sleeping well and keep waking up around 3am. If I return to work on Tuesday due to no baby, I tell myself that I am starting to mentally detach because I've finished the big stuff.

-- Post From My iPhone

Back Home

2009-05-20T21:05:00.001-04:00

It looks like he won't be coming tonight. It wasn't a false alarm per se. F is dilated to 3 and contracting. The doctor sent us to the hospital for monitoring, but no additional progress had been made after about 3 hours, so they sent us home.

I'm ok with that. Now I have one more night to get my ass in gear and pack my and the baby's bag. I'm interpreting it as our baby boy giving us a heads up that he will be here soon!

-- Post From My iPhone

38 Weeks ... and Baby?

2009-05-20T15:16:00.005-04:00

Today is 38 weeks, and I thought it would be nothing more than the day I made a big star on my calendar and kept my phone with me obsessively. It has turned out to be a much more interesting day. F texted me this morning and told me that she was having some contractions that were stronger than Braxton Hicks but weren't coming consistently; she would call me if they did. I somewhat calmly called Husband and told him to make sure that he had the carseat with him today.

I kept a death grip on my phone all day,and F called me at 3 to tell me that the nurse wanted her to come to the OB's office at 4:30. While the contractions still aren't regular, she is having 4-6 an hour and they are strong. She's feeling a lot of pressure and just hot all over.

Needless to say, I am (calmly, quietly) freaking out. There has been a surreal element to our journey all along, and this morning I had convinced myself that the baby wouldn't arrive until next week. Or heck, maybe he would defy us all and be late. My bag isn't packed. I have baby things in the dryer. House is still somewhat of a wreck.

But at the same time, I am ready. Maybe today is an auspicious day.

I'll keep you posted! Who knows, maybe I'll be home watching tv later on LOL.

37 Weeks

2009-05-16T14:37:00.001-04:00

Happy Saturday to you all! The baby isn't here yet, but I feel like we are on call any time after next Wednesday when we'll be 38 weeks.

We're on the way to our second shower and I'm beginning to feel a little more prepared, especially since the floors are done, we have a nursery and we are no longer sleeping in the living room.

I'll be back with a longer post and pics later!

-- Post From My iPhone

In Search of Zen-Like Calm

2009-05-03T17:55:00.003-04:00

Today we are 35w4d. Oh, and according to the doc at our appointment on Friday, F has lost the mucus plug and is 1cm dilated. Gulp. F and the doctor are both calm and not worried or concerned, and I know these are just signs that we are moving towards labor, but Husband and I are a little freaked out :-) Sounds like we definitely will have a baby soon!

This week I feel like someone hauled me up onto a train that is moving quickly towards its final destination. All I can do is hold on, ride and accept that it is in motion and that I have neither the option of getting off nor slowing it down.

Are we ready? Hell no. Will we be? We'll be cutting it close, but I think so. Or at least close enough. The nursery and the master bedroom are freshly painted. The floors are done. He needs only to install the baseboards. He'll do the nursery first which means once we are done, I'll finally be able to arrange the furniture and start decorating.

I turned in my final project for class on Friday and am officially done. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my back, and now I can focus on finishing up the backup plan for work as well as some outsanding tasks I plan to finish as well as turning my focus to all-baby, all-the-time! I look back over that last 4 months and truly wonder where all the time went. I can't believe it is May. I can't believe that it is possible we will have a baby in about 20 days. I never anticipated how busy this year would become. Note to self: next time you go through something like this, don't take a class. It's great that I now have only 9 semester hours left in my graduate program, but I truly don't feel like I gave my best effort this semester. That's ok. It was likely good enough.

I've started to feel a little panicky about finishing up things at work, and I've decided to regroup and take control. I need to spell things out for my direct reports. I think "keep it simple" will be my mantra. My staff needs a lot of guidance, a bit more guidance than I expected, and I want to make sure things go smoothly while I'm gone. Many people express dismay about what will happen while I'm out, which feels good, but at the same time, it makes me worry. I've also had some work drama recently with one of my direct reports. He is causing me some headaches due to his feeling entitled to rewards despite not having produced much. But I need to regroup and refocus my efforts and just spell it out for him.

We have our first shower next weekend. Five friends are hosting it, and it's a book shower apparently. I say apparently because I never received an invitation and wouldn't even know what time it was being held if F hadn't told me. It's been hard to get hold of the planners. I'm a little anxious about this shower because 3 of our 4 sets of parents will be there. My mother will be there, Husband's mother, stepfather and grandmother will be there, and my father and stepmother will be there. They all will get along fine, but I'm still nervous about the dynamics. Also, F will be there. I got the impression that she wanted to come to a shower, and Husband and I decided this one would be the best one since she wouldnt' have to travel too far. F is feeling a little anxious and has reassured me a thousand times that she wants to make sure the attention is on me and Husband and not her. I really, really appreciate that and I'm also worried about how she will be treated. I don't think she will be treated badly or anything--part of the reason I invited her was because my friend K and other family members really want to meet her and honor her. I just worry that some people will ignore her out of confusion over how to talk to her or treat her. F gets anxious very easily, and I don't want her to be stressed. Her mom is coming with her, and part of the reason I agreed to inviting my mom was because she has met her and at least it will be another familiar face. I'm sure everything will be fine, but there are just several factors that make me anxious. Hopefully I'll be able to post a week from now about how wonderful the shower was and how silly I was to worry.

After a few delays, our PBO is almost complete. It will be presented to the judge on Monday or Tuesday and then we will be officially the parents of our baby boy! Next week is also a big week because we have the tour of the birthing center on Tuesday and our baby care class on Wednesday. I remember signing up for that class in late January and I cannot believe it it time to take it.

We attended the 1st birthday party for our friends K and G's little girl last night. She looked adorable and again, I can't believe that she is 1 already. We gave her books. For my friends' daughters, I get them an age-appropriate book and Anne of Green Gables to grow into since it is one of my favorite books. I was touched because our friends' families were very interested and excited about our impending arrival and peppered us with questions throughout. It's silly, but it still pleasantly surprises me that people are interested in and care for our situation. Hard to believe that this time next year we might be planning a first birthday party of our own.

After our shower next week, we have two more showers the following weekend. I fully expect the baby to come around Memorial Day. Should I go ahead and buy a few basic supplies just in case he comes earlier? I'm feeling a little unprepared.

Sorry for the rambling post. For the first time in months, I don't have school work to do, and I treated myself by cleaning both bathrooms LOL. I'd say I'm nesting, but the bathrooms really needed it. I've also had some benadryl due to allergies, so I feel a little out of it ;-)

Home Stretch

2009-04-26T21:07:00.001-04:00

Our appointment during week 33 went well. F continues to measure perfectly. We had a good time at lunch afterwards. I wish Husband and I could have stayed longer, but we had to return to work. I was able to stay a little bit longer and F tried so hard to get the baby to move for me. He, of course, would not oblige but was active an hour later thanks to a piece of cheesecake LOL. We tried again to feel him move last week and he again played hard to get. F feels so bad, but I keep telling her that in the scheme of things, I'd rather him be born healthy than feel him kick.

We reached 34 weeks last Wednesday. F stunned me on Friday when she told me that she thinks she is starting to lose the mucus plug. F remains confident that she still had about 4 more weeks, but I started googling "losing mucus plug" frantically. I've started to fear that we will go into labor in the next two weeks. I have absolutely no reason to feel that way other than nothing this year has gone according to plan. Hopefully I will be wrong!

The work on the house has progressed nicely. Husband has pretty much only detail work (baseboards) to finish in our room and the nursery. We had painters come out on Saturday and paint both rooms, and they lion great! The plan is to move back into our bedroom (because we are still in the living room) next weekend and be able to start decorating the nursery soon. It has been a wild few months, and I won't be sorry to see it come to an end.

The conference in Orlando went well. I was ridiculously nervous about my presentation, but it was well received AND I heard some say it was one of the best of the conference. Nice!

I am starting to feel really impatient for the baby's birth. He needs to bake a little while longer, but at the same time I am SO impatient for his arrival. I want him here with us. I found out last week that a woman with whom we cycled at our clinic had her twins 3 weeks ago at 31 weeks. The babies are doing very well, but I ask you to keep them in your prayers and/or thoughts. I also ask you to keep my coworker K in your thoughts. She is pg with IVF twins and has been on bedrest thanks to a subchoreonic hematoma. She's 18 weeks this week and worried about her babies and stressed about her job.

I had a little bit of anxiety on my way back from Florida last Wednesday when I thought of how much there was still left to do at work. I find myself entering a sort of shut-down state, though. I still plan to get stuff done, but I am starting to detach. I am so tired and feel myself accepting that work will have to muddle on without me. I want to feel confident that my staff will know what to to, but honestly, I'm running out of time and am tired. I have been working on my final project for school all weekend, and I am so looking forward to turning it in on Friday. I truly don't care about whatever grade I get. I don't mean to sound whiney, but I am ready to veg and read, relax and get ready for the baby. My energy is starting to peter out.

In a rare move for me, I decided to take Friday off. We have our next doctor's appointment that day, and I also plan to work in my flower garden. I'm really looking forward to it!

-- Post From My iPhone

Still Here!

2009-04-13T14:51:00.002-04:00

I promise I haven't disappeared. Things just stay so busy. Everything is going well on the baby front. We will be 33 weeks on Wednesday (OMG!). We have our next appointment then as well, and we are going to take F and her husband out for lunch afterwards. I feel guilty because we haven't gotten to do much socializing with them since we've been so busy with work and the never-ending floor project, but it's nice that I can keep up with her via email, texting and Facebook.

In house news, the floors in the nursery are done and all Husband needs to do now is put the baseboards on and paint. On Saturday we put together the crib. Wow. We have a crib in our house. I've been doing fairly well on the panic/anxiety front, but I did feel some panic after we put the crib together. It's mostly superstitious panic/anxiety I think, but it's still a shock to know we have a crib. And it's put together. The rest of the furniture will hopefully arrive this weekend.

I'm leaving for Orlando on Saturday for a conference. This is the same conference I attended last year at which I won the Unsung Hero award. A lot has changed in a year. This time I'm returning as a session presenter. I've never presented at a conference before! A coworker and I submitted a presentation topic on using Web 2.0 in your organization, and they accepted it. Due to budgetary constraints, my coworker can't go, so I'm presenting by myself. I'm a little nervous and feel a little unprepared. I'm also a little nervous about flying there and back. I know everything will be fine, but oh I'll feel better once I'm back in NC. On the bright side, my house is in such chaos right now due to the floors that I am looking forward to a few days away from home in a nice hotel room. The major work has shifted to our bedroom, and Husband and I (and the cats) are sleeping in the living room. It's not too bad since the tv is right there, but I'm starting to feel a little claustrophobic. Happily, this level of chaos means the flooring project is almost at an end.

I'll post more later in the week, but I wanted to check in before too many more days went by.

The Big 3-0

2009-03-28T19:54:00.001-04:00

Thirty weeks as of last Wednesday! I have so many emotions: elation, panic, wonder, and excitement to name a few. Reaching 30 weeks feels like a huge milestone. He could be here in as little as 8-9 weeks! Crap! Yay!

It seems like we finally got our asses in gear and accomplished some tasks this week too. Unfortunately, that sense of accomplishment does NOT include the baby's room. We settled on a daycare yesterday and feel really good about the decision. It's 10 minutes away from both of our offices, so we can visit at lunch. It is fresh, clean, bright and roomy, which is great since we saw other daycares that looked shabby and small despite costing a lot. I feared the babies would be stepped on; they were truly that crowded. And the price is good too.

We also ordered the nursery furniture. The crib was the only piece in stock and will arrive in about 2 weeks. The dresser is back-ordered but should be available in mid-April. The nightstand won't arrive for 14 weeks. We don't have time to customize the fabric/wood for a glider (14 weeks), but fortunately, the sales lady pointed out a new floor model of a pricey chair and said
she could cut us a deal to move it. I was happy to get that chair! It is quite roomy and cushy. It is possible the baby's room might not be truly finished before he arrives, but the crib and glider are probably the two most important pieces to have.

F is doing well. She says the baby is so constantly active that she begins to worry if she doesn't feel him. She thinks he may have turned head-down in the last few days. And the heartburn has returned with a vengeance.

There has been a tiny bit of drama on Facebook recently. I joked that maternity leave would seem like a vacation from work, and I received some responses from friends expressing wonder at the idea of maternity leave being vacation. Most were tongue-in-cheek.

F hates it when people try to scare me with newborn stories, so she posted that she wished they would stop trying to scare me and that in her opinion, the hard phase is when they become mobile. Well, my cousin replied that she had to nurse her babies every 2 hours for 30 minutes at a time for 6-8 weeks and it was exhausting even though she loved it.

F took exception to my cousin's post and felt the need to defend me. I thought that was sweet. I ended up posting again to the thread about how i'm not naive and am prepared and even looking forward to the baby crying, sleeping, pooing, etc.

F and I talked about it on Tuesday. She felt bad about being snarky when she realized the problem poster was my cousin. I told her not to worry about it, and I meant it. My cousin is a bit of a know-it all and believes her way is the best and only way.

I was a little bothered by the whole situation, though, but not for the reasons you might think. I feel like what bothered me in those posts was a sense-real or not--that everyone thinks I really am disconnected from the process of having a baby. That I have NO idea what it will be like to have a newborn in the house and the sheer life upheaval in my near future. Maybe I'm being over-sensitive, but I feel like the mommy hazing is more about saying that I didn't walk through the same fires they did and haven't "earned" my mommyhood, that I am somehow not part of the club because I am not carrying the baby. I'm not an idiot! I've read and talked to others with children about what it will be like. I'm prepared for there to be difficult, hard, even awful days. I resent the implication that we are stumbling into this with no idea of what is coming. That is insulting to Husband and I and what we have been through to get here.

And then I take a step back and realize that maybe I am being over-sensitive and that mommy hazing is normal-apparently it is fun to scare the mother-to-be with baby tales. Maybe this teasing is an indication I am part of the club.

Our next doctor appointment is Tuesday! It should be a routine appointment. Husband will finish the floors in the baby's room tomorrow. Yay! Much house chaos is coming in the next few weeks as the attention turns to putting hardwoods in our bedroom. It is stuff like that that makes me look forward to sitting on the couch, rocking my baby.

I've been thinking a lot about our first few days home with the baby and who will be with us. More to come on that this week.

-- Post From My iPhone

Chubby Cheeks, A Smile and Rumination

2009-03-21T19:36:00.004-04:00

We had our monthly doctor's appointment on Tuesday, and it went well. F passed the one-hour GTT, and everything with the baby was great. We paid (happily) for another 3-D ultrasound, and the baby teased us for a while by keeping his fist and the cord in front of his face, but near the end, he finally cooperated and smiled for us! He was adorable. He has the chubbiest cheeks, and I think he has my chin and Husband's ears and lips. I have no idea where he gets those cheeks, though. He weighs almost 3 pounds and is 15 inches--quite a change from our last ultrasound in January when he was not quite a pound! We now transition to appointments every two weeks. I still can't believe how quickly time is passing. He will be here before we know it.

It feels weird to post such happy tidings when others have experienced some devastating occurrences lately. I'm thinking of surrogate buddies Duck and Niki and their miscarriages and Tabi's negative cycle with her surrogate. I'm also thinking of my coworker K and how she finally became pg with twins via IVF and began bleeding right before her 13 week screening last week, only to discover that she has a subchorionic hematoma and is now on bed rest at least until Wednesday. I ran into her at work as she was on her way to HR to fill out FMLA paperwork, and I was terrified b/c she was so pale and drawn. Her OB, in the helpful way all doctors have, told her that the hematoma was "normal but not common."

I'm so used to being on the unfortunate side of statistics myself that is still surprises me that we are where we are. My heart hurts for all of them. I wish there were some rhyme or reason WHY things turn out the way they do, but one thing I've learned from the past 3.5 years is that there is NO rhyme or reason. You can't promise to be a better person or list your stellar qualities. You can't do penance. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad, undeserving people. It sucks, and I wish it didn't work that way. I know that anything I have to say to Duck, Tabi or Niki would sound trite considering where I am. I just feel awful for them; they truly deserve success and happiness. We enter into surrogacy thinking it's going to be our magic bullet, and it is awful when it proves not to be--at least not the first time. The only poor advice I have to offer is to urge them not to give up, to please try again.

Oh, my friend J who became pg with her second child on her first cycle of Clomid again...she had her ultrasound on Tuesday, and it turns out she is pg with ONE baby. I cannot tell you how happy that makes me. I do not begrudge anyone their twins, but I still miss our twin. I felt like I could embrace her easily-achieved second pregnancy somewhat due to our circumstances, but if she had been pg with twins after 50mg of Clomid, I don't know how I would have reacted. Sad but true.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Third Trimester?!?!

2009-03-10T20:37:00.002-04:00

I could have easily titled this post "irritation" or "frustration", but I instead decided to go with something positive. Amazingly, tomorrow we will be 28 weeks which, according to most sources, puts us in the third trimester! I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. Already? The truly frightening thing is that I'm planning based on 38 weeks because F usually doesn't make it to 40, and that is 10 weeks away from tomorrow! Eek! We are so far from being ready. We are so very NOT ready. I did register though it's a work in progress. Husband finally finished the hardwoods in the first room, capitulated and had my stepfather up to help last week and now the baby's room is halfway done. We are so behind schedule though. We haven't ordered furniture or anything. Neither of us can remember being this busy before and both decided to take this Friday off in order to get some stuff done. I need to work on some work and school stuff as well as sleep. He needs to work on floors. Together we need to work on taxes (we normally do those the first weekend in February) and baby furniture. To top it all off, my car needs $1200 in repairs, and we have been going back and forth today about whether we should bite the bullet and get something new(er). It's 11 years old and has 133k miles. It's also paid off. My big fear is that these repairs are the tip of the iceberg, but I think we just decided to repair the car and try to make it to the end of the year. Not that we want another car payment right now, but it was honestly a decision of convenience. We cannot handle making one more decision right now.

I don't mean to sound whiny. Overall, everything is great! I think we are both so freaking overwhelmed with life right now. F is doing well and sent belly pics last week; she looks awesome and told me that the baby has grown a ton b/c she is now huffing and puffing after climbing steps. We'll see her next Tuesday at our last monthly appointment and next ultrasound. I feel bad b/c we have been so busy that we haven't gotten to see her and her family very much lately.

Friends. Hmmm. I have a long overdue update on that topic. During the holidays, I kinda confronted friend K about how we feel left out and forgotten since we haven't heard from them. Friend K is the one with the almost-one-year-old, so I told her I understood that her life had changed, but that we just felt kind of forgotten. I also told her that I understood the hypocrisy of our wanting friends now but pushing people away when they were pg. This conversation stemmed from the fact that she had asked me if I had seen the previews for The Unborn, and I very tactfully told her I couldn't see that movie due to our vanishing twin. She wrote back an extremely contrite email, saying that she had realized her mistake and felt awful about it. I appreciated that. So, I emailed, K called me, we chatted, and since January, we have gotten together several times. We went to her house for dinner and then a couple of weeks ago she took me to Babies R Us to give me a mother's perspective on what I needed, and she also offered to throw me a baby shower. She is still a bit flaky, but I feel like we are repairing that relationship.

I also had a chat with friend J. To catch you up: J is married to another J who was Husband's best friend in high school, and Husband was best man at their wedding. J and I started down the IF path together when she got pg on her first cycle of clomid and I discovered that I had half a uterus and a hopelessly damaged tube. Anyway, that's been a rocky relationship. J and I met for lunch in late January, and the issue of our husbands came up. It turns out that her husband does harbor some bad feelings towards Husband. He resents that we took it personally that they "had a kid" as well as feeling like Husband pushed him away instead of letting him in to help. I was intrigued by her explanation because Husband went out of his way to ask about J and the baby whenever he talked to his friend and I guess Husband was supposed to let J know that he wanted his help? J couldn't have picked up the phone and called or emailed? Husband was supposed to do all the work? We had noticed weirdness on Husband's friend's part once they succeeded that we chalked up to survivor's guilt. It feels like the situation is at a stand-still. Husband isn't going to call his friend; his friend isn't going to call Husband. Frankly, I'm not going to force Husband to call his friend because honestly, why should we have to make all the effort? At least J and I can still email and whatnot. It was good to know, though.

Which now brings me to the irritation/annoyance part.

Irritation #1. J told me that she was on Clomid b/c they decided to go for baby #2. I was flattered she told me b/c she hadn't told anyone. Well, I emailed her last week to find out the outcome b/c the last time she and I talked, she had been convinced it didn't work, but I believed she was testing too early. I was right. Turns out that she is pg again from her FIRST Clomid cycle. Argh. Her pregnancy has stirred up a lot of feelings that I thought were buried. I'm a little down about it. It is sort of because I've been "lapped" but more because I'm worried how we will have baby #2 or if we will be able to. Unlike J, I can't pop a prescription for Clomid and have all my troubles solved. Our baby has come very dear. We have five frozen embies, and I hope, hope, hope we will be able to try surrogacy again--or even try with my poor uterus--but I wonder how we will afford it. I had told Husband last night that I wanted us to be ready to pursue something by the baby's first birthday. And it's hard not to feel a little resentful when we find out today it will cost $2500 to pursue the pre-birth-order paperwork and also pay $1200 in car repairs. I guess I just wish it were as easy for us. On the other hand, I'm actually kind of excited (deep down) about having a friend with an infant close in age. One of my big fears was that our friends would have moved on from the baby stage, and we would still be alone, so I'm excited about the possibilities for getting our babies together for playdates. I'm trying really hard to focus on that instead of my bitterness.

Irritation #2. My mother-in-law. Husband called her today to apologize for not returning her call yesterday, and she starts bitching about how she feels left out and that she wants to be part of the partying surrounding the baby. Ummm...what party? Husband and I are ridiculously busy. I put in 11-hour days every day last week. We're in meetings constantly. And on the weekend, Husband is working on the floors and until about 2 weeks ago, I had something to do every weekend. And MIL feels like copping the "I know your busy but why can't you spare some time for me" attitude? She actually said that she wants to join in the fun surrounding the baby. Um, what fun? I haven't had any fun yet. The first trimester was spent trying not to throw up from anxiety. The second trimester passed in a blur, and now the third is making me panic b/c we are so not ready. Where was she when we were looking for people to share our pain the last 3.5 years? So now she's ready to share in the happiness? JHC. We don't need this stress right now. Husband read her the riot act. I feel a little bad b/c I know she is excited, but it's not like we sit at home all day. She's retired. Must be nice! I wish I led half the life she thinks we do.

Which brings me to the topic of showers. It turns out that I might have 3 showers. I am amazed. My coworkers are throwing me a fabulous off-site shower in May. K stepped up, and she is supposed to be planning one with friend E. My mother wants to throw me one in my hometown that has morphed from a small affair at her house to a church fellowship hall function. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but we'll work it out. I don't know if any of you feel this way, but I feel really weird being the center of attention! I feel weird providing info for a shower. I'm glad (thrilled) to have them, but I just feel unworthy somehow. Does anyone else feel that way? I sort of felt like that when I was wedding planning.

But all-in-all, things are going well. 28 weeks tomorrow. We are getting close!

25 Weeks

2009-02-19T00:16:00.001-05:00

I apologize for being a blog slacker. Work has been so crazy. Every day I intend to write a long post, but it just hasn't happened. Then I come home and instead of getting my laptop, I read or surf on my iPhone. I feel a little off my routine lately.

I have a lot I want to post about, but for now I want to assure you that everything is ok! We are 25 weeks today, and everything is going well (knock on wood). We had our monthly OB appointment yesterday, and we finally got to hear the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler. It was also our first appointment without an ultrasound LOL! We have booked a 3D ultrasound at the next appointment, so we won't have to wait long to get our visual fix.

Work on the floors continues. Husband thinks he might finish the first room and progress into the baby's room this weekend. Fingers crossed.

Most of all I am shocked at the possibility of having a baby as early as 13 weeks from now. Wow. That seems like no time at all. I have started to read baby books (nothing really constructive I'm afraid), but we have so much to do. I consider myself a fairly anal person, but one thing about expecting via surrogacy is the slight disconnection from the life change about to happen. I need to visit daycares, interview pediatricians, register, etc. Somehow we managed to allow ourselves to put off these steps as long as possible and now we have a lot of work to do.

I have noticed lately that we seem to have turned a corner in our thinking so that (most) pregnant people and storylines don't bother us like they used to. I am not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, it is nice to be able to enjoy baby things and consider yourself a part of it. On the other hand, it makes me feel weird to focus on baby things. Things feel the same yet very different at the same time.

-- Post From My iPhone

Obsessions

2009-01-28T12:09:00.002-05:00

Husband and I are obsessed. I am obsessed with baby bedding; he is obsessed with the floors. I have not been able to find bedding I like, and Husband is that rare male (at least in my world) who has an opinion on furnishings, beddings, china, clothes, etc. He has disliked every bedding set I've sent him. He found a set that he really likes. I like it ok. It's cute and isn't too stereotypically boyish. I was not completely sold on it because I was hoping to do a room that was meaningful to us and couldn't figure out how baby forest creatures were meaningful to us. However, I've accepted that neither the bedding nor the fabric I want exists right now, so we've compromised on the set he likes and we will personalize the room with pictures from some of our travels.

He has decided that he wants to make his own baseboards now. No white baseboards for him! He told me yesterday that he wanted to get some wood and mill it himself for the baseboards. OMG. Are you KIDDING me? We compromised on that as well and now he will use floorboards, which will look great with a little tweaking. And all it costs me is a visit from my mother and stepfather to help out LOL. He's made a lot of progress on the first room and hopes to have it finished next week. I'm just a tad concerned because we have two more rooms to do, one of which is the baby's room. I'm really proud of him for tackling this job but I'm trying to find that sweet spot between his perfectionism and my desire for the project to be done :-)

We're 22 weeks today. F felt the baby move for the first time on the outside, which was exciting to hear. She says he has hiccups quite a bit too. I had been thinking that we have 18 weeks to go, but she told me last week that since she never goes to 40 weeks, it's more like 16-17 weeks. Gulp! That's not far at all.

I have come out to work about the baby. It's been a little weird for me b/c my instinct is to run and hide, but I keep reminding myself that I need to make plans. I can't just disappear for 12 weeks with no notice. Everyone's reactions have been great, though. I was really worried about it b/c I know my coworkers and how weird they can be at times. So far, all the reactions have been overwhelmingly positive. A coworker explained it to me this way: "we love you and therefore we are simply just excited and happy for you." It's a good reminder for me to try to think better of people. Maybe they go home and say, "OMG. That is SO weird" but they haven't said it to me.

I also talked to HR yesterday and was happy to discover that they will allow me to use 6 weeks of sick leave, and I have enough vacation and bonus leave to make up the other 6 weeks, so I can take 12 weeks paid. I feel a bit guilty because almost none of my friends and family have been able to take more than 8 weeks paid or unpaid. It's a shameful commentary on the maternity leave policy is in this country. When I start feeling guilty, though, I remind myself that I've made a lot of sacrifices for this baby and that being able to have 12 paid weeks off is nice.

We've called the lawyer to start the PBO process, so hopefully that ball is rolling. I can't believe that it's time to start thinking about that. F told me that the pregnancy would fly by, but I didn't really believe her. It has though.

I've noticed that I've turned a corner in my thinking about the baby. I'm excited. I'm researching. I'm making plans. But I'm still knocking on wood and feeling panicky when I talk about it too much (I actually just deleted a sentence that I had written b/c I felt I might be jinxing things). But it's nice to finally be able to enjoy it a bit.

Clytemnestra or Ptolemy?

2009-01-19T14:07:00.003-05:00

Many years ago, Husband and I started thinking of baby names and decided that we would come up with the most ridiculous names we could think of and try to convince our family that is what we are naming our children. For a girl, we decided on Clytemnestra (Agammemnon's queen) and for a boy, we decided on Ptolemy (because I have a thing for silent letters). I can't keep a secret, so the family was soon clued in that those were fake names. However, we still joke about the names.

Today was our big u/s, and we found out whether we will have a Clytemnestra or a Ptolemy. More importantly, the baby looks great, was wiggling and moving like crazy and was measuring as it should. The baby now weighs 12 ounces. A can of Coke! At first the baby was a little shy, and I was worried that the gender would remain a mystery. However, the baby eventually cooperated. We are having...

A Ptolemy!!!

A boy! I can't believe it! Husband and I are still in shock. F thought we were having a girl b/c she was dreaming about girls. I had thought for the past few weeks that we were having a girl, but today I woke up pretty certain it was going to be a boy. That means we are having the 4th boy in 8 months on my mother's side LOL. I can't wait. I don't know anything about little boys, but that's ok. I had breakfast with a good friend on Saturday and met her 6-month-old baby boy. As I held him, my heart melted. He was adorable, and I knew that a baby boy would be a good thing. I am in TROUBLE! LOL

In other news, work has been quite busy. I had my first management issue to resolve last week, and my two direct reports are going to keep me on my toes. But it will be good. A lot of work but good.

And what's up with this sudden snow expected in NC tomorrow? I checked the weather this morning, hoping to find out when I might see a snow shower and was stunned to see we are under a winter storm watch and might get a few inches of snow! I'm always leery of these sudden storms b/c 9 years ago, we ended up with a very unexpected 21 inches. I hope it does snow!

Crap! I've got so much to do, but all I want to do is look at baby stuff LOL.

2009 Is Off to a Good Start!

2009-01-07T21:19:00.001-05:00

I apologize for any typos. I am posting from my iPhone (love, love, love it!!!!).

It has been an interesting week. Monday was my first day back at work since Dec. 19 and I returned knowing that some big organizational changes were going to happen. I had been told that the impact on me would be positive, but change is change and can still be scary.

I met with the bosses yesterday, and I'm now a manager! I am over our web sites and applications and have 2 people reporting to me. I'm still in shock but thrilled. I think this is a very positive change and will solve some huge problems I was having with another group. I'm sad not to formally be a part of my old group any longer, but we are in the same functional area and will still need to work closely, so in some ways not much has changed.

My new position led to me telling my new boss and one of my direct reports about the baby and surrogacy. It was the first time I had shared the info with coworkers I wasn't close to, so it was a good exercise. Thankfully the news was well received. I am not completely sure my direct report understands, so we'll see what happens.

Yesterday was a good day for another reason: F called to tell me she received the results of the quad screen and everything was normal! That is such a huge relief. I am ready to tell everyone, but I'm trying to wait until our u/s on the 19th. I don't know. I might cave next week. I think that and then the cautious side of me screams. Ugh. How do I get over this caution? At the very least I can say that I am more at ease than I have been. F has also been feeling more movement, including 3 jabs on Sunday.

I have some friend news, but the iPhone isn't super conducive to long posts, so I'll save that for another post.

Can't believe tomorrow is Thursday already.

-- Post From My iPhone

Farewell, 2008!

2008-12-31T16:45:00.005-05:00

I still find it hard to believe that today is the last day of 2008. It still feels like it should be only October. We have pretty boring plans: takeout, videos, and champagne LOL. We used to spend it with friends, but the last few years we've spent by ourselves, and that's nice too. Our sinus infections morphed into slight colds (sore throat for Husband and cough for me), so we're not feeling 100%. I don't get sick often, but if I do, it always seems to be over some sort of vacation unfortunately. The last time I took two classes during fall semester (2 years ago), I was sick over Christmas. Having had a pretty busy year, at least I can discern a pattern.

Our Christmas was pretty good. Christmas Eve with my mother and stepfather went much more smoothly than I anticipated. We talked about baby stuff a little, but I was gratified that she told me she is still anxious too and will wait for our signal before she gets truly excited. She also told us that she plans to give us money towards our nursery furniture! That's a very nice gesture and much appreciated. Alas, after a few glasses of poinsettia punch, she also reiterated that she hoped I would get pg at some point. Again I had to remind her that the state of my tubes rendered that impossible unless we underwent IVF or did an FET with our frozen embryos. Christmas day we went to my cousin's, and it was very nice seeing cousin L with her little pooch of a belly and cousin-in-law C with her 7-month belly. My aunts greeted me as the other mother-to-be, which I thought was sweet. And true! My aunts hope to be able to get all four babies together next Christmas. What a cute picture that would make! My cousin-in-law's shower is in mid-January, and I plan to attend.

Our final Christmas event was last Saturday with Husband's family. It went like it usually did: bad food, too much alcohol and irritating relatives LOL. Unfortunately, little progress has been made with the hardwoods since we've been a bit under the weather. Oh well. It will keep.

Which brings us back to today, New Year's Eve. 2008 was an ok year. It was really busy, and I don't feel like I've had a chance to rest properly until this week. It was also very stressful. However, 2008 ends on a much different note than any of the past few years have. Last year I said that I wanted to be on the last stage of this journey: either we would be successful with surrogacy or getting ready to move on to adoption and knock on wood, I'm happy I've been able to keep that resolution. It's the little steps like that, being able to glimpse a bit of light at the end of the tunnel, that have kept me sane during this process. I feel like we have emerged from some of the darkness of the past few years. We're 18 weeks today and hopefully things will continue in 2009 as smoothly as they have so far.

May 2009 be good to us all. Have fun, be safe and I'll see you next year!

Almost 17 Weeks and Happy Holidays

2008-12-22T16:23:00.003-05:00

It has been a busy several days! My last day of work for 2008 was last Friday, and I was busy right up until I cut off my computer. Everyone seemed to have one last "little" (usually not-so-little) change they wanted made. I may dislike my job at times and wish I didn't allow it to cause me so much stress, but I do admit that I have a pretty nice situation working for a local university. We get several days off for the holidays and then a few years ago, they started closing the university for the other days. You have to use vacation for those extra days, but it's ok to me because I would have taken those days off anyway. I took a couple extra days off and won't return to work until 1/5/09! Happily, Christmas shopping is done and gifts are wrapped. I make goodie bags for family every year and will start that baking tomorrow.

In the meantime, Husband is working on installing hardwoods in what will become the guest room. The hardwoods symbolize our first major purchase for the baby. We had truly hideous carpet in our bedroom and the other two bedrooms, and we would either need to replace the carpet or do something different, and we decided to put in hardwoods. The current guest room will become the nursery, and the empty room (the one being worked on currently) will become the guest room. Perhaps not surprisingly, the first room is taking a LOT longer than anticipated. I made a deal with Husband that if he insisted on starting this project during the holidays, I would not help him (much) because he had been insisting for months that I needed to relax. Well, installing hardwoods is not my idea of relaxation! So I've done everything to prepare for Christmas, and he's been dealing with the prep in the first room. And on top of that, we think we might have sinuses infections.

We had our second OB appointment today, and it went well. It was supposed to be a fairly routine visit, but the doctor couldn't find the baby's HB consistently with the doppler, so we had another u/s! Reassuringly, the little heart was beating nicely, and we were able to get a classic profile picture of the baby. It really looks like a baby now. It wasn't moving as much as it had been during other u/s, but it did kick its legs and I think I see toes in our picture. Unfortunately, the u/s machine wasn't good enough to detect gender, so that will wait until our Jan. 19 appointment. And F is showing! It's so cute! We'll be 17 weeks on Wednesday, and it was a nice Christmas surprise to have another u/s. We had the quad screen bloodwork drawn, and I found out that unless something really worries them, we likely won't find out the results until our next appointment. I made sure that they used my age (31) for their calculations (because F is older and would technically be considered AMA at 36).

Husband and I have 4 sets of parents between us, so Christmas has already begun. We had dinner with my father and stepmother on Saturday and then Wednesday we travel to my hometown (near Winston-Salem) to spend Christmas Eve with my mother and stepfather. We'll go to my cousin's house on Christmas for brunch and then head back to our house later that day. And then on Dec. 27 we'll have Christmas with the in-laws. It makes for an exhausting week. I'm curious about how Christmas with my family is going to go. It's my mother's side of the family that has the two pg cousins (one of whom is hosting Christmas brunch) and the cousin who just gave birth last month. I am really, really ready to be excited and talk baby stuff non-stop but then another part of me still feels anxiety when I do. I think I'm just going to have to go with what feels right. Intriguingly, all of my cousins have had or are having boys. We are the only "unknown" gender right now. I'm trying to decide if those odds favor us to have a girl or if we will make the 4th boy. F still swears all her dreams are girls. Honestly, we don't care as long as it is healthy.

I hope all of you have wonderful holidays. I hope in some way this Christmas is different, better than what you experienced last year. I bought a tiny stocking for the baby while we were at Biltmore, and I felt panicky after I bought it, but it's up and hanging over my stocking, and I just need to embrace our situation. Last year I felt a tiny bit of hope that maybe Christmas 2008 would be different, and it is. This year, I feel even more (cautious) hope that Christmas 2009 will be even more different. May it be a good holiday for us all.

Congrats to N!

2008-12-12T08:01:00.003-05:00

I am so happy to be able to post that fellow IM N's surrogate gave birth to her twins on Monday. N and I met on another fertility board over a year ago and cycled together and experienced cycle failure together. Like me, she's an endo sufferer. I let my subscription lapse, and we fell out of touch. A few months later, a mutual friend emailed me and told me that N had decided to pursue surrogacy as well and gave me her email address. We started emailing, and it was such a great day last spring when I emailed her and found out that she was having twins via surrogacy. Her success helped me believe that surrogacy could work for us as well and that maybe it would be the answer to our prayers.

So, N, congratulations on the birth of your babies!

Movement?!?!

2008-12-10T14:02:00.002-05:00

Greetings on this quiet (at least in my world) Wednesday! We are 15 weeks today! Sometimes I can't believe how quickly the last few weeks have passed, but I know I still have quite a bit of time to go. Yesterday, F told me that she is pretty sure she is feeling the baby move. She has felt it three times and says it feels like something is moving under her skin. This is her fifth pregnancy, so she's the expert! We were very excited to hear that he is moving.

I started back on the anti-anxiety medication on Friday and after a rough few days of being jittery and not sleeping, I think it's back in my system. I already feel calmer and more detached from some of my stressors, so I'm hoping my last few working weeks of 2008 can proceed smoothly and calmly and that I'll be able to relax over the holidays.

I went to a cookie exchange on Saturday, and it was mostly fun. I've known most of the women since 2001 when we met online planning our weddings. We soon met in person since we all live locally and have gotten together a few times a year at least since. Not surprisingly, I've pulled away from the group a little bit in the last 2 years because most of them have had babies, and it's just been too difficult. However, the cookie exchange is a tradition I try to participate in. they know about the surrogacy and eventually, the conversation moved to me and the latest news. I was a little bothered by some of their comments unfortunately. I mentioned that this baby was F's fifth pregnancy in reference to leaving some decision up to her, and one of the women commented, "So she's a pro" and then stopped, laughed and said, "She really IS a pro!" One of the women asked if F worked, and I told her that she was a SAHM and that her youngest had just started school this year. She commented, "Wow, how nice! I would love to get paid to sit and 'bake' a baby as my job!"

You can imagine my dismay. The whole conversation ruined some of my enjoyment of the day. For one thing, I bristle at the implication that surrogacy is a job and that we are F's employers. Sometimes I struggle to put into words the relationship we have with her because we are not family or friends (we didn't know her previously) and yes, we are paying her to carry our child. But it's not at all employer-employee. We're...partners? All the talk of it being a job and her being a professional seemed to cheapen our situation and relationship. I feel very protective of our surrogacy and path to parenthood.

I also feel bad because I didn't say anything to correct them when they made the comments. I've corrected people one-on-one in the past about surrogacy not being F's job, but I don't know why I didn't then. I consider this group of women to be fairly enlightened, so maybe it shocked me that they held some of the same misconceptions as others do about what surrogacy is. Also, I didn't feel completely in control of myself and responses due to the anti-anxiety medication, so I feared that my response would be less controlled than I liked. These women mean well. They are genuinely glad for us and would be upset if they knew I was hurt by their comments, so maybe that's why I didn't say anything. I guess in some ways I should be glad this situation occurred with people I like and in a fairly benign environment. It's good preparation for the comments we might receive once we announce our news at work and to the general public. Better start working on our answers...

Husband and I are headed to Asheville for the weekend on Friday for our annual trip to Biltmore House. We go almost every year for the Candlelight Christmas event and get sloshed at the winery. We've gone with friends and family in the past but really enjoy it just the two of us. I'm considering it a last hurrah for a while since we likely (hopefully!) won't be able to go next year. It's a special trip for us because we spent our honeymoon in Asheville, so it feels like an anniversary celebration every December we go.

Second Tri and NY Times Article

2008-12-03T12:47:00.003-05:00

First of all, I hate my job. There, I've said it. I don't really hate my job as much as I hate the politics and people issues I have to deal with on a daily basis. But that's ok. I'm dealing with it and when I get my happy pills on Friday, I'll be able to deal with it even better. And I'll be able to deal with it even more in 11 days when I am on vacation for the rest of the year. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened; it's just been one of those weeks.

Anyhoo...we are 14 weeks today. I think that technically we are in the second trimester now? I know some calculators put us in the second trimester last week, but I know that we are definitely there by 14 weeks. Yay! F texted me today and told me she was going to send me a picture of her belly tonight b/c it's starting to pooch out. I can't wait to see it! She also had a pregnancy dream and told me that we had a girl who looked just like me with red peach fuzz and that her pregnancy gender dreams are never wrong. We'll know in January! I'm still referring to it as "he" to give it a gender and I'm politically incorrect having grown up in a time when "he" was the default gender neutral pronoun.

My school semester is creeping to its end as well. I'm done with one class and 90% done with the other. Our final project is a group project, and I'm waiting for a group member to submit his stuff. Then I will format it and send it off. Happily, this will be done by Friday at the latest though I had hoped to be able to finish up everything last night or today. After that, I will officially have 75% of my grad program completed. Everyone keeps asking if I will finish next year, and I smile and say "maybe" since I plan to withdraw for a year after the spring 2009 semester (withdrawing for a year stops the clock; otherwise I would lose a semester and they want you to finish within 5 years).

And now to the NY Times Magazine article about surrogacy: Her Body, My Baby by Alex Kuczynski. Several of my fellow surrogacy bloggers have blogged (fabulously I might add) about last week's NY Times article on surrogacy (N, Tabi, Kymberli), and I would like to add my two cents as well. I didn't read the comments in response to the article because I knew they would infuriate me, and in some ways, the article was bad enough. I applaud Ms. Kuczynski for putting it all out there. Her honesty was great and provided a thorough view of surrogacy from the IPs' perspective that you don't often encounter such as the crushing cycling failures and worries about feeling like a mother and even some jealousy about not being the pregnant one. I appreciated that since I think that sometimes what you read are the extreme stories of the Intended Mother (IM) resenting and envying her surrogate to the detriment of the relationship or the IM and surrogate being best friends with absolutely, positively no bad feelings or doubt. So kudos to you for that, Ms. Kuczynski.

However, ultimately I don't think that Ms. Kuczynski did the surrogacy community any favors. Her tone and comments at times were elitist (though honest). I cringed when I read that one of her reasons for picking her surrogate was because her application was word processed instead of handwritten, indicating a modicum of education and computer literacy. Ugh! Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I like to think that she was trying to dispell the notion that only poor, uneducated women become surrogates, but she ended up providing support for those surrogacy critics who believe surrogacy exploits women. It also didn't help that she made surrogacy appear to be something only the extremely wealthy could afford by flaunting her family's income, again providing support for exploitation claims.

I do not mean to insinuate the surrogacy is not expensive because it is and unfortunately the cost prevents a lot of couples from being able to pursue it. Often what gets lost is WHY surrogacy is (usually) compensated: another woman and her entire family are disrupting their lives for you for pretty much an entire year. And pregnancy is a 24/7 state. It's very easy to read some of the compensation figures and gasp, thinking negative things about both parties involved. But when you shift your thinking and start to realize all that is involved, I'm amazed compensation figures aren't higher. That said...do I wish surrogacy was free? That would be nice :-) But I also wish that I didn't have to pay thousands for an IVF cycle and medication. Or $1000 to have my cyst aspirated last summer. Or $2000 for a laparoscopy. It would also have been nice to be able to have sex and bam, positive HPT. But it is what it is.

I guess what I am trying to say is that all the surrogacy articles seem to be about rich IPs and/or less well-off surrogates. It would be great to have an article about the majority of IPs who have struggled and sacrificed and received help from family and held yard sales and bake sales and gotten second jobs to be able to attempt surrogacy, to be able to attempt to make their dream come true. These are the same people who would likely have to scrimp and save and sacrifice in order to come up with the costs for an adoption as well, yet that is somehow more acceptable. The IPs who wait years before being able to cycle because they have to save the money first. Are there rich IPs? Of course there are. But based on what I read, the majority of IPs are not. I hoped that the article's emphasis on the writer's feelings throughout the process would help the perception of surrogacy, but I have realized that is doubtful because as a surrogacy insider, I respond to her feelings but to the general public, that part of the journey is lost behind her elitist, nasty comments and the money issue.

The Bizarre World of the OB's Office

2008-11-26T19:48:00.003-05:00

First of all, thank you all for your comments on my super-long, somewhat maudlin, melodramatic previous post. Some posts cause "posting regret" afterwards, and I worried about that one. As always, you all provided me with wonderful empathy and support.

We had our first OB appointment on Monday, and what a strange experience that was. Husband and I felt like that episode of Grey's Anatomy in which Christina discovered the heaven-like dermatology floor. After the tense, worried, unsmiling atomosphere of RE offices over the years, we didn't know what to think to be in a doctor's office where people were (mostly, usually) happy to be there and smiling. Husband said he needed a drink afterwards because he was so stressed out and unused to such a happy atmosphere LOL. We met with the nurse first, and it was amusing as she tried to figure out how to approach the patient history. She finally asked both F and I to answer each question since a certain answer from either of us might be important.

The actual doctor visit was ok. She couldn't find the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler, which coworkers had thankfully warned me would likely happen at least once early on. That meant we got another ultrasound! We were able to see the baby swim from one side to the other and move around. The baby's legs seemed incredibly long. It has morphed from an alien to something resembling Anne Rice's Taltos in the Mayfair Witches series. However, we have our own name for it :-) The doctor was a bit terse, but thankfully after our experience with our last RE (AKA Dr. Sticks-Foot-In-Mouth), we could handle it. Distressingly, the clinic had NOT sent F's records over despite her having signed the release form. I'm not surprised, though. Front office organization was not one of the clinic's strong points. My only concern about the records is that they seem reluctant to use the due date we gave them (June 3) because they typically date from transfer not retrieval and want to see the u/s reports. I'm sure it will all be worked out.

We also ran into people we know in the waiting room. They are casual friends from Husband's high school days. They were at our wedding, but we're Christmas card friends mainly. Anyway, they are 8 weeks with baby #2...and #3. Yes, twins (likely naturally). That was a bit of a slap in the face. I still can't encounter twins without feeling a pang for our vanished twin. I hadn't expected to encounter anyone we knew, so I was caught off guard. I figured that I couldn't pretend to be there for a routine gyn visit with Husband there, so we told them our news, and to their credit, they didn't bat an eye when we mentioned surrogacy. It's not that I don't think people will say awful things, but I expect a few double takes. Or maybe I shouldn't? Anyway, it was a good practice. Maybe it was serendipity after my friend worries of the last week. She and I have been emailing a bit since, and it feels pretty natural.

Because I am who I am, I have a new worry: the quad screen. We will have that test at our next appointment in December, and I am petrified. I know that the odds are very good that everything will be fine, but suddenly, that test is all I can think about. And it's a month away. Ugh. I'm trying to talk myself down, but it's not working so far. I think my anxiety is exacerbated by this being the last major work week of the semester as well as sinus issues. I'm feeling tired and not entirely well. We decided not to have the first trimester screening, and now I wonder if that was smart. However, Husband and I had a good talk about it tonight, and I'm hoping that our talk has helped me to push my anxiety about that test from the front burner on high to the back burner on a low simmer.

My next project will be trying not to hyperventilate when I talk to my mother and she blithely talks about baby stuff. I kid you not. The past two times I've talked to her, she has chatted about cribs and happy baby stuff, and I've felt a full blown panic attack threatening. I think she gets to me because she glosses over my worries and fears like they are nothing, which is one reason why I withdrew from her over the past 3 years. I didn't and still don't need platitudes.

Book sale was wonderful: 59 books for $32. Can't beat that! I even bought two books to read to the baby. We're going to make a podcast for F to use. I also ventured to the parenting section and didn't freak out. It's interesting to me to plot our fertility journey with the book sale over the years: November 2005: I whispered to K that we were trying. She was somewhat dismayed thinking that I wouldn't be able to enjoy our upcoming sloshy trip to Biltmore. Ha ha. November 2006: Friend J is pg after 1 cycle of Clomid and I have a painful endometrioma after 5 Clomid and one injectable cycle. I shyly and painfully pick out a baby book for J at the book sale. November 2007: I attend the book sale on Friday night with pg K and return to the book sale alone on Saturday. I glance at the parenting section and wonder if 2008 will be different. We meet F and her husband in person for the first time that afternoon and like them a lot.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. We are 13 weeks today, and I am trying very, very, very hard to count my blessings because I have so much for which to be thankful. Eat and drink lots! I know I will be :-)

Strange Week

2008-11-21T12:04:00.003-05:00

It has been a rather strange week. I started the week sort of dreading it because I had a ton of meetings and appointments and wanted to hole up in my office instead. Plus, my parents were coming in this weekend, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to rest until Sunday. Almost immediately on Monday, meetings and plans started getting cancelled or rescheduled, leaving me with an almost free week. Then my mother announced that they couldn't come after all this weekend because my stepfather has to work, and when I emailed my friend K to tell her that our plans to attend the county library book sale had just become a lot freer, she told me that she forgot the date and scheduled her daughter's dedication for this weekend. It was like dominoes falling. Suddenly, I am free! Husband and I have the entire weekend to ourselves, and I can come and go as I please to the book sale.

Oh, two of the appointments that were scheduled were our OB appointments. F had a flat tire on Tuesday that prevented her from being able to make the nurse's appointment, and the practice requires you see the nurse before the OB, so both appointments had to be rescheduled for next Monday. Oh well. We'll be almost 13 weeks then, and at least I'll be able to go into Thanksgiving having had another u/s that week.

Honestly, while I am perfectly happy to be able to go to the book sale on my own terms, I'm a little disappointed in K. We have been going to the library book sale together for years. We make an event out of it, always going on the Saturday of the sale because paperbacks are 50 cents and having a wine lunch afterwards with Husband. Last year she couldn't go because she was pg and attended a day-long baby care class instead. We went to the sale on the Friday instead and had only about 2 hours together, and I returned by myself the next day. This year, even though we had talked about it already, she forgot the date and booked it.

I'm telling myself that things are different now that she has a baby and apparently motherhood has increased her inherent flakiness, but to me it's just another sign that maybe I should just give up and back off. I mentioned that we would have to do something in December and that Husband would love to hear from her husband G and she replied that G would love to swap work war stories with Husband. Yeah, like anything will be planned. Correction: If we plan it, it is the only way it will happen. But I want to leave it up to her and I know we won't hear from them because Husband and I always had to plan everything. I'm just trying to understand what's going on in her head; it appears that there is a blank spot where we are concerned.

I know I keep rehashing the friend situation to the point where you are all probably extremely tired of it, but I've been doing a lot of thinking about it. I mentioned my bitterness about my friends and their continuing complete lack of response to us to my therapist about 2 weeks ago, and she gave me permission to find new friends and write off the "friends" I have, accepting that maybe the friendships have run their course and that Husband and I deserve better. It was helpful of her to say that because I had begun to wonder what it was about me and Husband that friends seemed to drop us so easily. We're up to 3 sets of friends who have been able to write us off. I don't think we are awful people or unworthy of friendship, but it makes you wonder. So, I'm going to try to stop emailing K. I hope I'm not painting this picture of me as desperate and constantly emailing her. I've been updating her on our doctor appointments, but really, it's more out of loneliness than anything else. Other than family, with whom I'm not all that close, I don't have anyone else to talk to. But she's giving me nothing in return. Clearly, she's not very interested or able to be interested and involved right now. Better to accept that and move on instead of being hurt constantly. And it's not like I think she's giving me the friend version of "[S]He's Just Not That Into you"; she honestly is flaky and fairly self-involved. But I've been there for her, and she hasn't for me. Time to move on.

Who are these people who are able to have and keep lots of friends? I'm on Facebook, and that's what I wonder as I watch other people. I'm not innocent here. I have former close friends--definite kindred spirits--from whom I've drifted away, so I need to take a look at myself too. I think a big issue is that I've always been someone who has a few close friends instead of many friends. And now that's bitten me. I think a lot about this now that we are sort of ready to emerge from our shells and re-engage. Just where do you find friends? I have good candidates, but I've held back from them b/c they had kids and it was too painful to take it all the way. I'd been hesitant for a while to engage with RL IFers through Resolve because they often move on, and you never knew how long the comfort level will be there. I think that the situation will fix itself somewhat once the baby arrives and we are able to go to playgroups and such things. After Intending to Be Parents mentioned that she is member of a pregnancy after reproductive technology group, I checked and there doesn't seem to be one in my area. I don't know what I'm looking for. I miss the friends I had in high school. I miss the few close friends I made in college (of which K was one). I could try to reconnect with them, but their lives have unfolded so differently. Mostly I just wonder how I got here, alone. And what blame should I take for that?

I apologize for the length of this post. I'm just feeling a little alone and lost with the holidays approaching. I expected to feel different this year. I do, but some of the same hurts are still there. It's like throwing a party to which no one comes. But I have to remember that I have changed. The last few years have changed me...think cocoons and chrysalis and butterflies and that sort of metaphor. Only I don't feel as much like a butterfly as Kafka's cockroach.

My therapist also suggested I resume my anxiety medication. After this LONG, rambling, inchoate post, think that's a good idea? :-)

A bit of a milestone

2008-11-15T16:32:00.003-05:00

Fingers crossed that we won't have more severe weather today. My weather radio woke me up at 2:30 this morning with news that my county was under a tornado warning. I was horribly afraid of tornadoes and storms as a child, so it is a testament to how much progress I have made that I didn't immediately flee to the closet! Thankfully for us (though not to the people in the storm's path), the storm was to the south of us and no danger to us.

We had our 3rd u/s at the clinic on Friday, and after waiting for almost 2 hours we finally got to see how much progress our wiggler has made. He was measuring 11w1d and we were 11w2d. I was amazed at how much like a baby he looked. He was asleep but soon woke up and started moving around. Happily, we have now been released to the OB, and we have our first OB appointment next Thursday. After that appointment, I will officially be in u/s withdrawal!

I discovered this week that one of my coworkers is going through IF. I had a feeling about her, and when she mentioned that she had a lot of appointments lately, I told her that I thought we should talk sometime. She came to me later that day, and we exchanged war stories. She and her husband have been trying for 4 years with a miscarriage along the way and were planning to have egg retrieval for her first IVF cycle on Friday (this was Wednesday). She is cycling at Wake Forest University, which is around 2.5 hours from her home. I hugged her and wished her luck, and then sadly, she came to me later that day and told me that her cycle had been converted to an IUI because she had started to ovulate. As you can imagine, she was devastated. I felt so bad for her. All that prep. All that expense. The hours spent commuting to Winston-Salem. She said, "It's ok" and I vehemently replied, "it's NOT ok. This sucks, and I am so sorry you have to go through it." I've always been a believer in acknowledging what you feel and accepting the bad stuff because often, you are the only one who will. I just felt so bad for her.

It was also a little weird for me because it was my first occasion as "the other." I know that realizing that you have moved to have a different category and that others may find your altered status hurtful is one of the cliche posts in IF land. It's just taken me a little longer to get there because we are doing surrogacy. Yes, so far we have been successful. But since I am not the one throwing up or dealing with all-over fatigue, it's been easy at times to forget that we have achieved some level of success or that others would consider us to have moved on. I suddenly understand how easy it is to appear to forget from where you came...I almost offered to show her our u/s pic for heaven's sake (during our first conversation, not the second after she had found out that her cycle was being converted--even I'm not that insensitive)! I still feel like I am straddling two worlds. Do I keep my "street cred" since I am not actually physically pg or have I moved on as well? How have others handled this? I guess I feel like my reactions are lagging behind our new reality.

And, if you could, please keep my friend L in your thoughts. I met L while we were cycling at the same clinic and through some mutual Resolve friends last year. We fought in the IF trench together. L was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and had surgery on Monday. Her diagnosis was like a kick in the gut and a reminder of how unfair life is that this wonderful person and her family should have to deal with cancer on top of the everything else. L is a great, generous person and a reader of my blog, and I want her to know that I am sending her all the strength and positive thoughts I can. I am so angry this is happening to her but in awe of her spirit and strength in dealing with this situation.

Everything is Fine!

2008-11-10T11:16:00.004-05:00

Happy Monday! I apologize for the delay in updating. I kept hoping that Husband would hook up the scanner (a feat beyond me though I work as a web developer) so we could scan the u/s pics and I could create a page for them on the blog and post about everything at the same time, etc. Unfortunately, he did not get to it over the weekend.

Anyway, you can say that you told me so :-) The u/s was fine! Actually it was great! The baby was measuring 9w6d (we were 10w2d) and was moving like crazy. I was amazed at how much movement there was! And I could see the heartbeat so clearly. What a relief! The RE wants to see us one more time this Friday, but he assured us that it was only to check on the vanishing twin and that everything with the baby looks great. He also told us we could make the first OB appointment, so F is going to do that today. It was wonderful being able to leave an appointment feeling relieved and excited. I'm sure I'll start to feel anxious again as Friday approaches, but I won't dread it like I did last Friday's appointment. Whew!

In non-baby news, I cannot WAIT for this semester to be over. I am taking two classes which is always a bit much in the fall semester, and they are awful. I signed up for 2 knowing that if things went badly with our cycle, they would help pass the time. Plus, taking two leaves me with only 12 hours left in my graduate program. What I didn't count on was how tired I am. I have taken 15 hours of classes this year plus working full time plus cycling. I am exhausted! And unfortunately, one of the classes for this semester has been really, really bad b/c it was the first time the professor had taught it online and it is all group work with a difficult, nay impossible final project. I meet with my groups twice a week for the class and spend most of the weekends doing work. I'm so ready for it to be over. Only a few more weeks. That's what I keep telling myself.

Pins and Needles and Family Surprises

2008-11-06T13:55:00.005-05:00

I intended to post earlier this week, but it has been a really busy week. That hasn't been a completely bad thing, though. You can probably guess that I'm pretty anxious for our second u/s tomorrow. I keep telling myself that it will more than likely be fine--no reason to think otherwise (well, other than our twin of course)--but my overactive imagination keeps exploring all the dark possibilities. No matter what, hopefully I will be alert enough to ask some of the questions we want to ask. I was as dumbfounded at our first u/s as I was at my first few monitoring appointments when I wasn't responding but couldn't think of my questions until later. And they don't volunteer information easily at my clinic; you usually have to ask and re-ask. I have to work late tonight due to a big migration, and I'm coming in a for a couple of hours tomorrow to make sure everything is working correctly, but after I leave for our appointment, I'm not returning for the day. Our appointment is at 10:20 and afterwards we will go to lunch with F.

I had some interesting, rather shocking news last week. I mentioned back in August or September that I found out my youngest cousin was starting down the IF path. Well, this cousin, L, called me last Wednesday to congratulate me on seeing the h/b at our first u/s. I thought it was really sweet of her and asked her how she was. She asked if I had talked to my mother and at that moment I knew: she is pregnant. And she is. She's about 4 weeks ahead of us. She had asked the family not to tell me until we knew what was going on with our situation. It was very sweet of her to be so considerate of me but somewhat annoying at the same time since no IFer wants to be the last to know and realize that everyone in her family has been conspiring to keep it from her. I talked to my mother, and it turns out that L has a thyroid condition that wasn't diagnosed until she was already pregnant and that she should have been on medication before she became pregnant. Apparently, there is a chance she could still miscarry.

I have a LOT of conflicting feelings about L's news. I'm happy for her truly. I hope her thyroid causes her no more trouble, and I'm glad she didn't have to venture down the IF path. But I'm kind of pissed at my family and at my mother. So my mother's sisters can keep their children's secrets but my mother can't keep mine? Granted, I never explicitly asked her to keep our news a secret at any point (mainly because I knew it would be futile), but it would have been nice. And it's rather infuriating that my mother can keep other peoples' secrets. Argh. However, in some twisted way, I think my mother's heart was in the right place (for once) and she was trying to be considerate of me (for once). She had no compunction about passing along other people's pregnancy news in the past.

I confess that I felt a huge knot in my stomach when L told me. You see, I have 3 cousins. Between now and next June, there is the possibility of 4 new babies in our family. That's wonderful, you might say. What a blessing! Except that I suddenly feel performance anxiety. Four! Can all 4 really happen? Who is the weak link in that chain? I feel like we are (because I always feel like I am the worst and lowest) though realistically one could argue it's my cousin L. Plus, the cousin who is due any day is on child #2. My other two cousins are siblings, so their mother will have two grandbabies. So that's 2 grandchildren for each aunt. And I just hope I can make my mother a grandmother of 1. I know it's not a competition and what will happen will happen. After my conversation with L, I felt like everything was doomed. Hopefully my thoughts are going to dark places for nothing.

I decided that I need to focus on the here and now. I look at our u/s pictures daily and send all the love I can to my wiggleworm. Hopefully we'll have beautiful pictures of an even bigger wiggleworm tomorrow.

Mostly Good News

2008-10-28T13:03:00.003-04:00

Today was the long-awaited u/s. I had a hard time sleeping last night and felt even more nervous today. It was like the first day of school and Christmas Eve combined :-) I'm happy to report that we saw a wriggling, dancing alien with a hearbeat. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. The sad news is that it looks like we did have a twin that stopped developing about a week or so ago. The doctor measured the baby at 8w2d, which is a little less than the almost 9 weeks we are, but I know that's pretty normal, right? He wants to see us again, so our next appointment is on Nov. 7. We had hoped to be released to the OB today.

I know he said everything looked good with our dancer, but I am slightly freaked out. I had hoped today would bring some relief, but now I'm even more anxious and scared and worried. And I'm sad for our twin. But I'm happy too. We have pictures, and it is amazing.

It didn't help that Dr-Says-the-Wrong-Thing said, "aren't you glad that you put back 3?" as we were staring at the monitor, feeling happy for our 1 and sad for the other.

So, I'm a mix of feelings. I didn't expect to feel so mixed up. I guess I just need to keep taking deep breaths and enjoy today.

Anticipation and Impatience

2008-10-22T12:56:00.007-04:00

First of all, here's a picture of the cookies I made with my fall cookie cutters. The cooler weather has really made it feel like fall, and I love it! I plan to make more cookies this weekend and finally use my Halloween cookie cutters.

I wanted to thank you all for the comments on my previous post. You all were right about how I need to "own" the pregnancy as my own. I've been thinking a lot about that and have made progress on that front. As suggested by N, I've been thinking about starting a blog for my family and RL friends where I can post updates and pics as things progress. I'm unsure how receptive my family will be from a technology point of view, but I know some will be comfortable with the idea of a blog. We'll see. At any rate, it will be a nice way for me and Husband to preserver the journey.

We are 8 weeks today. This time next week will have had our u/s and know what's going on in F's uterus! I hope desperately it's a good appointment. She's still feeling quite sick and tired, which I cling to though I know that doesn't necessarily mean everything is ok. I've been telling myself for weeks that I'd allow myself to believe, to hope, to get a little excited after the u/s. I've stuck with that. I haven't looked at clothes or furniture. The only acknowledgement I have made is to start researching daycare LOL! Even though I've tried to remain somewhat at arms length, I can feel myself relaxing more and more each week. I am so ready to be able to accept this and start planning, to get my head out of the sand. I haven't read a thing yet on planning or parenting or anything baby-related, which is very unusual for me. Please, please let me be able to make that transition. Please let our appointment go well. I'm so ready for it!

Have any of you been reading the series of articles on surrogacy in the St. Petersberg Times? I'm interested to know how others feel about the articles. I'm conflicted. It's a decent series and handles the topic pretty well overall and puts a human face on surrogacy via the surrogate. I'm a little bothered by the language used: professional surrogate, the IM contemplated "getting rid" of her current surrogate and egg donor, the constant emphasis on cost. The language just seems carelessly chosen, and I wonder at the motivation of the reporter and how much she delved into the surrogacy community before writing it. I wonder if it will do more harm than help the perception most people have of surrogacy.

Musings

2008-10-15T08:59:00.003-04:00

Yay for it being Wednesday and another week down! The clinic called on Friday and wanted to reschedule our u/s for Nov. 1 due to a doctor conflict! Ugh! Thankfully, after I reminded them that they have two doctors in the practice, we were able to reschedule the u/s for Oct. 28 and with the doctor with whom we have been working all along. So only one day longer to wait.

My mother emails me at least once a week to "check in." I have some mixed feelings about it. I tell her what I know/have heard from F, but beyond that, I'm not sure what she's asking. I assume she's asking about the, um, happy situation. Is she asking only about that or is she checking in on me as well? I usually also tell her how crazy work is, how busy I am with school, etc. I know she's excited, but it's a little weird for me b/c I'm not the one experiencing the happy situation, so I'm not sure what to tell her and what she wants to hear. How did others going through surrogacy handle such inquiries?

I'm a little irritated by a close friend--someone who considers us best friends-- and her reaction to our news. Basically, she responded "awesome" and then went on to talk about herself, and I haven't heard anything more from her since. Well, I've heard some about her new job. I'm trying not to be oversensitive, but I guess I thought that maybe she would...I don't know...be a little more engaged? Even though it hurt, I engaged with her when she was pg. I suppose I thought that since our friends hadn't really been there for us during the dark times, maybe they'd be there for us during a happy time. I guess I was wrong on that as well. I know it's early, and I know she's busy with her new job and 5-month-old. I also know that she is and has always been somewhat flaky. She always tells me what a good friend I am, but it's never reciprocated. I hesitated even to post about it b/c I'm not exactly talking much about our situation yet and wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. But it's really bothering me.

I think the bigger issue is that even though I'm more cynical than that, a part of me hoped that maybe things would magically spring back to normal with our friends if we had success and all the stress on those relationships (naturally caused by our inability to you know, just get over it and act like everything was hunky dory as they proceeded to journey to the next stage of life) would be repaired. And that Husband and I could and would forgive and forget all the hurts they caused us by never calling, seldom emailing, changing the subject if we expressed sadness, anger, or bitterness, not acknowledging birthdays, basically not being what we consider friends when we needed them most. We aren't the same people as we were 3 years ago, though. We've become accustomed to being alone, and that's ok. And I really don't want to focus on this friend and her behavior and count only the slights when this is a great time for us and so many people have been genuinely happy for us. Hopefully writing about it will help me exorcise some of the anger I feel.

I don't want to end this post on a nasty note, so here is a picture of my mums in full bloom:

Can't Speak

2008-10-08T16:47:00.003-04:00

Isn't it funny how when the event on which you have been waiting for years finally happens, your secondary reaction is terror? Now that the initial jubilation has passed, I am terrified of something going wrong. The terror manifests itself in my reluctance to speak or write about our status for fear of jinxing it. I have wanted to post for days but haven't been able to. Every time I do talk it about it, I feel like begging whatever deity may or may not control the universe not to punish me for my audacity.

Ugh. It's going to be a long 34 weeks. I'm going to talk about it tentatively here. According to those due date calculators, we are 6 weeks along today. I have a tiny "6" noted on our kitchen calendar but can't bring myself to number the following weeks. Maybe I can do the "7" this weekend. F tells me that she feels sick and tired and already has difficulty buttoning her jeans (this is her 5th pg). Good stuff I hope!

Husband and I worked in the yard over the weekend, and I think for the first time in years we both felt a sense of calmness and accomplishment as well as energy because we were tackling projects that we had wanted to for a while as well as just having energy to live vs. energy that just keeps us going. I bought fall cookie cutters and made sugar cookies. I love the fall. Adore it. I love decorating and cooking and planning for the holidays but as the IF crap intensified, I went through the motions each fall, but it wasn't the same. I remember posting this time last year about how I felt myself getting excited for Halloween and then wondering what the point was. I enjoyed making those cookies last week, and silly as it is, those cookies symbolize that maybe, just maybe things really will be different. Last week and this week I was truly able to enjoy the season. Hopefully next week I will be able to as well.

Milestone

2008-10-01T16:02:00.004-04:00

We had our third and final beta today, and the number came back at 1892!!! Our u/s is Oct. 27 at 10am. Thank you all so much for your enthusiasm, excitement and good wishes! This is all still so unbelievable!

This is how we celebrated on Saturday.
Husband is a fan of Remy Martin XO cognac. He has been working on this bottle for years and a few years ago reached the point where there was just enough for a snifter or two left. He couldn't bring himself to finish it and buy a new bottle when so much was going so wrong. We promised each other that we'd finish it when we had some good news. Well, after the phone call on Saturday, he went straight to the bar, brought out the Remy and we finished it up. Cognac at 1:30pm tastes great! I haven't cried yet, but when I saw that bottle, I almost did because of what it signified.

So here is to reaching the milestone of having the u/s scheduled!

Wow

2008-09-29T15:37:00.003-04:00

I had a whole post planned for this, but I can't wait for Husband to send me the pictures, so here goes:

Beta 1 (Saturday): 312
Beta 2 (Monday): 725

So far, so good! We're...moving in the right direction! I can't bring myself to use the "p" word yet as I'm sure you all understand. I had intended to post about the first beta, but after we told our mothers, I started to feel superstitious and anxious, so I decided to wait until the second beta before we told anyone else.

We are stunned and happy. After 3 years, 1 month and 16 days, something good happened. F said she first tested positive on 7dp3dt and has been feeling pretty sick already. We have one more beta on Wednesday and then they will schedule the u/s for late October.

I'm wondering when this news is going to sink in!

Some Truly Good News

2008-09-23T15:14:00.003-04:00

I wasn't sure how today would go because I started the day by spilling coffee on myself as I got out of the car at work. It wasn't a lot of coffee, but it seemed like a lot of coffee. I had nothing in the car to wipe up the coffee, so I walked into the office with coffee dripping off my pants legs. Just my luck, there were a number of people in our lobby for the class we are holding this week, so I'm sure they were curious about the coffee (it was really obvious). Thankfully, the coffee wasn't a total indicator of how the day would go because we received some good news today.

It turns out that we have 5 embryos frozen!!! 3 were frozen on day 5 and another 2 were frozen on day 6. That is SUCH a relief. It removes some of the worry I had about the quality of our embryos, and if this cycle doesn't work, we can try a frozen cycle and save a little $$$.

F is still very optimistic about this cycle, and we are trying to be. Actually, I think Husband and I are trying not to think about it. His birthday is this Thursday, and we again feel like another birthday celebration is somewhat on hold. We did have a bit of a scare yesterday because F told me she realized she is having an allergic reaction to the PIO, so the nurse had to call in a new prescription for her. Anyone know anything about allergic reactions preventing implantation?

It's always something!

One Week Down

2008-09-19T15:29:00.003-04:00

One week down, one week to go. And it's been the longest week ever! I don't think it was only because I am antsy to know what the outcome will be. Of course that is part of it! This week was the first week in a while where I didn't have appointments or anything. Plus I'm worn out and just wanted it to be the weekend since, oh, Monday at 8am, and I had a lot of meetings; most of them were grueling and required a lot of energy. I guess there was sort of a let-down too. It's like returning to work after the holidays.

Yesterday we received the bill from the clinic for ICSI and a few other things. Funny how they can be so poor at communicating cycling details but so prompt at sending us our bill ;-) However, I did notice a possible item of interest: we were charged a cryopreservation fee. Does that mean we had embies to freeze? It's a bit odd b/c the date of that charge was 9/13, which was transfer day, and I know they were going to culture them until Monday at least. We were charged $300 for something, however. I'm going to file it under "something to think about later that might mean possible good news."

Transfer Revisited

2008-09-16T09:20:00.002-04:00

Ok, now that I have had a few days to get over my hormonal psychosis (complicated by the fact that AF or something like it decided to come on Sunday, which explains some of the weepiness on Saturday), I wanted to write more about the transfer itself. I've been quite self-centered over the past few weeks as I dealt with my cycling woes, and I want to make sure to give transfer its due and not shortchange our surrogate and the wonderful thing she is doing for us.

I think it was good that we had to wait 2 hours for transfer because it gave the four of us time to bond even more. F's husband is pretty quiet, but he and Husband really hit it off and chatted a lot. F felt like an old friend as we sat there talking about every subject under the sun.

It is the oddest experience to watch your embryos being transferred into someone else. I am so amazed that there are women who are generous enough to do this for someone else, often someone they don't know well. Transfer went very smoothly, something F was worried about because some of her previous transfers have left her very crampy. Maybe the RE's technique has improved ;-) Our RE was in rare form and quite jocular as he prepared for transfer. The man had the gall to tell us that if he were a woman, he'd never have a baby himself and that surrogacy was the way to go. As well, the clinic has helped several women lately who have pursued surrogacy due to job conflicts. There are many, many valid reasons for surrogacy, but the reasons he listed (job conflict and desire to avoid childbirth or the "inconvenience" of pregnancy) are certainly not OUR reasons for pursuing surrogacy. It was insulting to me, Husband and F.

After transfer, Husband and I stayed in there with her for the required 15 minutes. It felt pretty intimate. Here we were, the three of us who will (hopefully) play a role in adding a baby to our family. It helped that I had IVF and FET cycles under my belt so that I could empathize with F's full bladder and the awfulness of hearing the toilet flush seemingly next door while you are trying to block out the bladder twinges (though I wish I had had valium for MY previous transfers...or heck, valium that day!).

After transfer, F and I hugged. She left with our embryos for a few days of bed rest while Husband and I went to our favorite Mexican restaurant to celebrate my birthday, celebrate making it this far and celebrate the possibility of what might come.

Transfer

2008-09-13T15:56:00.003-04:00

We transferred today. It turns out that as of this morning, only 4 of our embies were 8-celled. Quite a few more were 6-celled and the rest were less. Based on that, the embryologist decided we should transfer today. Argh. After waiting almost 2 hours, we finally saw our three embryos transferred to our surrogate (the clinic transfers 3 embryos for 3-day transfers; two for 5-day). It was surreal to watch. It's a relief to have gotten to transfer although I must admit that it was disappointing to find out that only 4 of our embryos had progressed to 8 cells.

It's funny because yesterday and the day before I was telling myself and anyone else who would listen that if we got to transfer, I would feel relieved because we had gotten over all the previous hurdles. Now that it's happened, why does a three-day transfer feel like a failure? I guess I'm just amazed that out of 15 embryos, only 4were on target developmentally. I guess it makes me worry about the outcome of the cycle overall. I had to struggle not to cry when I got off the phone with the embryologist this morning, but that's the way this cycle has been: one big roller coaster ride.

I know a three-day transfer does not mean the cycle won't work. After all, my surro's last, successful cycle was a three-day transfer. But it makes me worry. It's going to be a long two weeks before beta, but I'm going to try to put it out of my mind. There's nothing I can do about it now.

And one day it will be nice to post when each post isn't so up or down.

Embie Update

2008-09-12T14:53:00.003-04:00

I just heard from the lab at the clinic, and we have 15 embryos! I'm still picking up my jaw from the floor. 15! The embryologist wants to push for a 5-day transfer, but he'll let me know for sure tomorrow morning, so I guess I still don't know what day transfer will be LOL. He said they are all Grades 3 or 4, so I guess that's decent? Oh well, I'm not going to worry about that now.

Hopefully I'll know more tomorrow!

21

2008-09-11T08:59:00.002-04:00

21. That's the number of eggs retrieved yesterday. I doubt they are all mature...to me (no expert), it seemed like we were looking at 11-12 that were mature, but who knows. I guess they wanted to get everything they could find. Hopefully we will have plenty to work with. Surprisingly, they decided to do 50% ICSI. Based on our last SA numbers, we were told we weren't candidates for ICSI which sort of left us uncomfortable b/c it felt like we were introducing one more variable into a situation already fraught with "what ifs." So while we were surprised that they were performing ICSI on half of them after all (and they hadn't yet even tested the sample that Husband had provided yesterday), I think we are relieved by their decision. Of course, if we're going to have pay the same amount for 50% ICSI as for 100% ICSI, I wish they'd just ICSI all of them!

I feel pretty good physically. It's nice not to feel as much pressure in my ovaries (although I am a little sore), and I'm reveling in being done with shots and appointments. Now I have to try to get back to "normal" while I wait for tomorrow's update from the lab. F, our surro, had a scare yesterday. She woke up to some light red bleeding. They had her stop lupron on preparation from transfer, and the consensus between her and the nurse is that her lining is likely really, really thick (she was already at 10mm on 9/3) and that stopping lupron might have caused the bleeding. Thankfully it stopped, but she says she still feels crampy. One more thing to worry about!

Thank you all for the good retrieval and birthday wishes! My birthday was good. My coworkers had a small celebration for me, and Husband and I celebrated with takeout, a little cake and about a 1/2 glass of wine. I think I was ready to go to sleep by 9:30 LOL. We plan to go out to eat to really celebrate it on Saturday. That will be fun. Maybe we'll have just had transfer that day and can truly breathe a sigh of relief that now all we have to do is wait 2 weeks! I hadn't intended to be as frank with friends and family about this cycle, but after it started so shakily, I just couldn't dissemble anymore. I've been likening it to some track and field event with hurdles. I didn't expect the stimulation part to be as high of a hurdle as it was, and now I feel drained as I face the next few hurdles of fertilization and embryo growth. I had always thought the highest hurdle would be the cycle working, but now, I'll be relieved if we just have good embryos transferred (not that I want to stumble on the last hurdle of course!).

Retrieval: Wednesday!

2008-09-08T16:10:00.004-04:00

Boy, those are words I never thought I would write for this cycle! After the low of Thursday, things started getting back on track. My E2 continued to rise, increasing from 1286 on Friday to 2788 on Saturday, 3144 on Sunday and 4155 today. I even got to decrease shots to two last night and no Follistim. Predictably, this happened after I'd ordered another $1300 worth of medication but oh well. If the cycle doesn't work, I have a good start on the next cycle's meds.

So, yeah, retrieval is Wednesday at 8:30! Tomorrow is my birthday, so retrieval is a great birthday present. I've been to the clinic every day since 9/1 for bloodwork and u/s. My arms look like a junkie's. My stomach looks like a war zone. I'm so ready for retrieval and to have a big ol' glass of wine.

Last week turned out to be an expensive week between buying the extra drugs needed for my increased dosages, going to the clinic daily (b/c we foolishly didn't buy the monitoring package) and getting the bills for our surro's and her husband's lab work in July. Oh, and did I mention that our air conditioning died? Luckily it hasn't been too hot lately, but it did climb to 86 degrees in the house over the weekend (steamy!). Fortunately, we have the privilege of paying about $700 to possibly fix the problem. Nice!

Oh well. As Husband says, it's just money. Although now would be a great time to win the lottery ;-)

One Day at a Time

2008-09-05T16:19:00.003-04:00

Another roller coaster day in my house! I went to my u/s this morning with a good deal of trepidation and was prepared to see shriveled follies. Instead I saw 10-11 growing, good-sized follies (around 13-15mm). Lining is 9. Ok. My e2 came back at 1286, which is where we thought it would be yesterday, but the important thing is that it increased. I start Ganirelix tonight and return tomorrow for more bloodwork. I know my e2 numbers once I start Ganirelix might be funky, so I'm just going to take it one day at a time from now on. All this will be over soon. Either I will be cancelled or I will have retrieval.

I'm along for the ride at this point, so I'm going to try not to worry anymore. It's out of my control. Problem is, I've never been very good at not worrying ;-)

I don't know what to think anymore

2008-09-04T15:53:00.004-04:00

Ok, so a day that started well is ending on a downer. Despite seeing progress with follies on the ultrasound today, my estrogen has actually dropped by like 180 points. I'm flabbergasted. Clearly this is not good. I'm to up my estrogen to 700-freaking-units tonight and return tomorrow.

I'm getting really tired of this and hope we can decide once and for all what to do tomorrow. I had tentatively been anticipating a retrieval next week. Now I'm back in limbo.

Why is this happening to me???????? Clearly a rhetorical question since no one can answer that. There is not why; it just is what it is.

Tiny Sigh of Relief

2008-09-04T09:19:00.002-04:00

I'm never, ever one to count any chickens before they are hatched, but I think I can breathe a small sigh of relief. E2 yesterday was 990. The ultrasound today revealed about 10 follies at 10mm or greater, so lots of progress has been made!

I am sore, bloated and exhausted. I forgot how quickly all the shots and appointments take a toll on you. I feel like I look 4 months pg, and I am walking like it too LOL. Might as well enjoy it since this is the closest I'll get to being pg!

And not to overlook our surro F's important role in this. She had an estrogen/lining check herself yesterday. Her lining was at 10, and her estrogen is 500. She's pleased because with her last surrogacy, they had to increase her estrogen three times before her numbers were where they wanted them to be. She continues to be my cheerleader, and I marvel at her optimism.

Glimmer of Hope?

2008-09-02T15:47:00.003-04:00

If I had posted right after my appointment this morning, it would have been a pretty morbid post since I had been crying all morning. My ultrasound was fairly unremarkable: 1 follie at 10mm and lots of follies under 10mm. Yesterdays E2 was 149, so some progress had been made. However, I was sure it wouldn't be enough and was preparing for the inevitable cancellation.

At 3, I called for my instructions and was pleasantly surprised to hear that today's e2 had tripled to 459. I'm to stay on 600 IUs and return tomorrow for another date with the dildocam and more bloodletting...er bloodwork. During the depths of despair, we scheduled an appointment with the RE for tomorrow afternoon to discuss the cycle and what's going on, so I guess we'll keep that appointment just in case. But whew. I feel like I've received a stay of execution. Let's hope it continues. Interestingly, 459 is almost exactly my level during my first IVF cycle after 7 days of stims and 2 days of Ganirelix.

Keep your fingers crossed for tomorrow. F, our surro, has been so sweet trying to keep my spirits up.

Still On for Now

2008-09-01T15:34:00.002-04:00

I guess we are still on for now. My instructions are to increase my Follistim again to 600 IUs and come back tomorrow for what would have been a normally-scheduled monitoring appointment. Unfortunately, the nurse didn't leave my estrogen level, so I have no idea if I am making progress or not and whether the increased dosage is a last-ditch emergency effort or an attempt to catch me up to where I should be. I tried calling my clinic but the office has closed for Labor Day I guess since I got the after-hours answering service. Hopefully I can get some answers tomorrow when I go back in.

Crap

2008-08-31T17:01:00.002-04:00

As in my ovaries are crap. After three days of stims, I felt it was working. I felt burning and soreness and was confident things were progressing nicely. When I went it for my first real monitoring appointment today, I couldn't hear much of what the nurses were saying, but I heard that my lining had doubled from 2 to 4, which indicated to me that my estrogen was picking up.

Well. Imagine my surprise when I called at 3 to get my instructions and was told my E2 was only 84 and that I needed to increase my dosage to 500 IUs! Jesus Christ. 500 IUs? Wow. And my estrogen was only 84? I immediately got that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. See, my estrogen was 36 when I was cleared to start stimming on Thursday. That means that it has increased only 48 points since Thursday. And 500 IUs?

I don't understand. I've never responded (or not responded as is more accurate) like this. I looked over my numbers from my lone IUI and IVF #1. I was at 69 after 3 days of stims on 112 IUs for my IUI cycle and at 298 after 3 days of 300 IUs on IVF#1.

I know it's too early to panic and to write this cycle off. But damn it. I'm 30 years old. The only thing we thought we had going for us and the primary reason we are pursuing surrogacy are my eggs. I've always seemed to produce decent eggs. Now my fear is that it will be a struggle to get a few eggs and they won't be good and this cycle will most definitely fail. And that we will have waited a year for the privilege of failing at something else.

Damn it, damn it, damn it. All I wanted to do this weekend was relax. Now I'm torqued up and worried about our cycle which seems doomed to failure to me, and all I want to do, all I can do is cry.

I have to return for more bloodwork tomorrow. I hope the numbers are better.

And we're off!

2008-08-28T15:40:00.003-04:00

I just heard that I am cleared to start stimming tonight! 350 IUs. That's more than last cycle (300 IUs), but I know their goal is to treat me like a donor and try to get as many eggs as possible. So exciting! I return on Sunday for my next monitoring appointment. I'm glad it worked out the way it did because otherwise I would have had to get up early on Saturday and Monday (Labor Day) for monitoring. This way I only have to get up early on Sunday and can sleep in tomorrow.

The nurse coordinator did mention the lab inspection when I mentioned how quiet it was there this morning (normally there are wall-to-wall patients), but she said nothing about it being an emergency inspection...just a routine annual one. Not that I expected her to tell me if there had been problems, but at least she acknowledged it. And who knows, maybe the "emergency" was a change in when the lab had to be inspected. I know they have a good lab, so I'm not worried about that. More importantly, my cycle won't be impacted (because it's all about me you know LOL).

Think of me at 7:30 tonight as Husband pinches my belly fat and injects me with liquid gold!

On the Cusp!

2008-08-27T13:25:00.002-04:00

Cold is gone. AF is here, and tomorrow morning I go in for my baseline u/s and bloodwork. Keep your fingers crossed that everything looks good! It's hard to believe that I might actually have my first injection tomorrow night.

Guess that means I better shave tonight LOL. Even though I lost all modesty long ago when it comes to doctor appointments, I have not managed rid myself of the instinct not to have hairy legs. Ridiculous, I know.

Summer Cold

2008-08-25T08:35:00.004-04:00

And another week begins. August is just flying by though the last two weeks have seemed over-long to me. I took the last BCP yesterday, so that's another milestone met. Husband called the clinic on Friday to see what he could find out about the emergency lab inspection. The receptionist was fairly clueless and said that only thing she knew about was that there had been problems with the ventilation system in the lab earlier in the week and workers had been in to fix it. So maybe the situation isn't as bad as feared. Maybe.

We met our surrogate and her husband for dinner on Saturday night, and it was good to see them again. It was supposed to be a celebratory kick-off to the cycle, but Husband and I have developed summer colds/sinus/allergy issues, and we both felt kind of out of it. His manifests as a headache/toothache/slight fever. Mine is slight sinus pain and a cough. I normally am not susceptible to colds and such, so I'm taking that as a sign that my stress and anxiety levels have been wearing me down. I need to do a better job of taking care of myself so I can stay healthy for cycling. I'm even thinking about leaving work early today to go home and rest. I feel rather lathargic and even more unusual for me, have little appetite. Other than that, I feel fine LOL.

I tried indulging in a little retail therapy at Ann Taylor Loft on Friday (my favorite store). I had a coupon for 25% off your entire purchase PLUS they were giving away two of the $25 saving cards for every $50 you spent. They have a lot of stuff in my colors (oranges, golds, etc.) but I was kind of underwhelmed by most of it. Several things looked great on the mannequin but quite ridiculous on me (chiefly poufy, fluttery sleeves). I did come away with a nice orange pullover and a short-sleeved red shirt. Hopefully I'll be more inspired to shop in a few weeks when my birthday comes around.

Let's hope AF comes quickly and my cold resolves ASAP!

About to start - or not?

2008-08-22T14:17:00.003-04:00

I almost entitled this post, "Laugh or Cry?" Happily, I got the call about ordering my meds on Tuesday, and they arrived today. Yay! Have meds, can cycle! And, Sunday is almost here, and that's the day I take my last BCP supposedly. So good things are happening.

But then today I visited a forum I frequent and found a post from a member mentioning that on Tuesday she got a call from my clinic cancelling her cycle (she was going in for a baseline for her FET) because of an emergency lab inspection and that they had to push back all of their transfers. Ummm...emergency lab inspection? What does that mean? And will that impact my cycle?

I haven't heard anything from the clinic about continuing on BCPs longer than scheduled. Normally I would consider no news to be good news but given my previous dealings with the clinic, I don't know if I can trust that. I'll end BCPs as scheduled, get AF and then call and likely THEN be told that I need to delay things. I'm trying not to borrow worry and trouble. I wonder if I called them if I would get a straight answer? Argh.

It's always something. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist (something I sorely need) and then we are meeting F and her husband for dinner to kick off our cycle in style. Now I'm wondering what we're kicking off.

Oh well. At least it's Friday.

Irritable

2008-08-18T11:28:00.002-04:00

I received my cycling schedule on Friday. I had called the nurse coordinator about it on Monday and never received a return phone call. Friday I went to the clinic for a follow-up for my cyst aspiration and the doctor pronounced my right ovary "beautiful" with a perverse amount of pride for his work (this was after I had been waiting naked from the waist down for 30 minutes, so maybe I just wasn't in the mood). Next thing I know one of the nurses is giving me a copy of my schedule. Turns out it was in my file with a pre-addressed envelope, which left me wondering what they had been waiting for and why they couldn't mail it out earlier. Maybe they were waiting for my follow-up appointment, but it certainly would have been nice (and easy) to tell me that!

I took a closer look at my schedule and noticed that the day I started BCPs is wrong. They have it as 7/31 when I actually started on 7/25. Therefore, I will be taking BCPs until 8/24 and not cycling until the following week. In the scheme of things, waiting another week isn't a big deal, but it does bother me that they might have made my schedule under a misunderstanding of my dates. I'm not sure where they got the 7/31 date. And these pills are so crappy that I started spotting the day I ended the old pack and am still spotting on the new pack. I guess I'll spot until Sunday and my last pill. Fun! Sure, I could call and try to correct the schedule, but something tells me that will be difficult and not worth the stress. As long as they realize that our surrogate's schedule is a week off from mine, it will be fine. I guess this whole schedule situation is just one more irritation I have with them. Use the correct dates, people! If you aren't sure what they are, call me.

Oh, and speaking of my ovary. Though my right ovary looks "beautiful," my left ovary apparently has a few tiny endometriomas (1-2mm). Um, ok. My left ovary which has always been beautiful. Did they just appear? Have they been there all along and no one ever point them out to me? I'm just a tad concerned because with the right ovary susceptible to endometriomas and the veteran of a cystectomy and cyst aspiration, I've counted on the left one to produce. And now I worry that both of my ovaries are crapping out.

Book club on Saturday was irritating as well. I invited a coworker to join my book club because I thought she'd have a lot in common with several of the members. It turns out she does, to the point where I now feel left out. Another of the members is rabidly liberal, which is great, but I feel like she is trying to turn book club into an activist book club. She and a couple other members are vegetarian and keep suggesting books about eating less meat and the awful conditions in which animals are raised. Ok, I'm an omnivore. I like meat. I also grew up with large vegetable gardens that were a LOT of work and my mother grew up on a farm. It's hard for me to take these romanticized visions of growing your own veggies and ethically-raised animals.

Sometimes I feel like what everyone is really saying is that we humans should just disappear. And don't get me started on the population issues. Every time I hear an author or researcher on NPR discussing population control and estimates, I cringe. I'm waiting for someone to call in and declare that these people doing fertility treatments should stop b/c they are contributing to over-population and maybe we should take a hint if we are infertile. Of course these people are all people who probably easily had their kids.

This book club member is also a hardcore Obama supporter and wanted to add Dreams of My Father to our reading list. I have zero interest in reading that book. I'm voting for the man, but I don't want him shoved down my throat, so I had to speak out against it rather forcefully b/c I knew that everyone else would want to read it or at least wouldn't speak up. Book club is supposed to be fun and now I feel like it isn't and that I don't belong anymore (after joining not even a year ago).

I'm sort of wondering if I belong anywhere right now.

Three Years of IF Hell

2008-08-13T08:29:00.002-04:00

Today marks 3 full years of IF Hell. Three years ago today I took my last BCP, confident that everything would be fine and dandy and most importantly, normal. Because I'm a navel-gazer, it's always fun to compare anniversaries. Last year when this auspicious day rolled around, I was 10 days post failed FET, and we had no idea what our next direction would be. Surrogacy? Adoption? Another IVF?

Year 3 was a lot quieter overall. We knew what was wrong. We pursued no more treatments for me. Instead we committed to surrogacy, found our surrogate and waited. And waited. And waited. And here we are now finally cycling. I'd like to believe that when Aug. 13 rolls around next year, I'll be too busy to notice, but one thing I've learned from three years of IF is not to make plans and not to get your hopes up.

The Squeaky Wheel

2008-08-07T08:03:00.002-04:00

I feel like it is so seldom that I get to post unequivocally good news, but I have some! Yesterday at 4:30pm (I was getting ready to leave work), I received a call from the pharmacy confirming the med order for our surrogate!!!!! I was shocked since I didn't expect anything to happen until tomorrow or Monday. Even better, the clinic wants her to receive the meds TODAY.

F, our surrogate, called me after I got home, and she told me that on Tuesday (after Husband had his little chat with the nurse coordinator), a nurse from the clinic called and wants her to come in ASAP for an u/s so she can start lupron. She's going in today and hopefully will have her first lupron shot tonight! I'm still stunned. I haven't heard from the clinic yet about my schedule, but I'm assuming this means that I might start stimming in about 2 weeks. Holy shit! Even if it's a little longer than two weeks, it won't be much longer.

And in true "me" fashion, I actually started to feel a little guilty about being assholes to the clinic. But no. They were jerking us around and there is no reason ever to feel guilty over standing up for yourself, especially when it's a service you've paid a lot of money for.

It's nice being the squeaky wheel for once :-)

Score One for Husband

2008-08-06T09:01:00.002-04:00

I love my Husband. He met with the nurse coordinator yesterday and demanded answers to such provocative questions as, "when will we get our schedule" and "when can we order meds". The nurse coordinator assured him she was working on it this week and that we would not miss a cycle window. He told her, "you don't understand. I answer to a higher power: my wife." LOL! Supposedly, we might see something by the end of the week. We're going to call her on Friday if we haven't heard/seen anything by then. We shall see.

More Clinic Moronity

2008-08-05T10:34:00.004-04:00

Funny, when I wrote "moronity" I wasn't certain it was an actual word, but Google assures me it is LOL. Some time ago, the previous financial coordinator at my clinic had informed me that payment for our surrogate's bloodwork and ultrasounds while cycling would be handled by a separate payment of $800. Great! It sounded easy and defined. Fast forward to a few months later and that financial coordinator is no longer there. Husband had forgotten about the additional payment when he talked to the new financial coordinator (whom we had already established as being clueless), and she did not mention it either. So we paid for the cycle but didn't pay the additional payment.

I reminded him about it, and he called her yesterday to ask about it, and she informed him, "oh yes, that $800 must be paid before you can order meds." Can you hear my screaming from here? Just once I wish someone at that clinic knew what the fuck was going on! Husband informed her that he would be in today to pay it and she had the gall to tell him that it didn't have to be paid right away; he could wait and pay it when I come in for my surgical follow-up on the 15th. Right. Like I will willingly wait to pay for something that may impact when we can order meds and get started. Unbelievable.

He left 2 messages for the nurse coordinator as well to ask about the status of our schedule and med ordering and of course, no return call yet. He's going to try to tackle her as well today. I just want them to understand that we are NOT ok with waiting just because they can't manage to get their shit together without a good reason. If she had said they did schedules every Thursday or that they limited the number of women cycling at a given point or SOME, ANY indication that there was a method to their madness or a hint of a process, I would have been mollified. Instead it feels like they just do it when they feel like it. Maybe they draw names out of a hat? Maybe they throw all the files in the air and which ones land face up they make the next schedule for? Maybe they do it based on what patient has pissed them off least that week (which would definitely rule us out). Who knows?

I'm feeling better, thankfully. I don't feel as weak and out of it as I did over the weekend, but I am still spotting a bit and am a little sore and crampy. It's not too bad. Hey, when you have endo, you get used to all sorts of aches and pains.

I was chatting with a friend yesterday about my inability to lounge around sans guilt, and she told me to enjoy it while I could since I won't always be able to. I assumed she was referring to a time when we have children in the house. I appreciate her belief that our situation will change, but as I was thinking about her comment, I realized that I don't think I believe our situation will change. I can't imagine a child in our house or a time when we aren't in this awful limbo. At this point, children seem like something that happens to other people. It's not part of my reality. Now, deep down in places where an iota of optimism clings, of course I think that one day, somehow we will have a child. But then my head wonders how much more we will have to go through before we get there, and right now, I can't wrap my brain around a future in which we have moved to the other side.

Now if only my head would stop hurting

2008-08-02T11:50:00.004-04:00

Greetings! The aspiration on Thursday went well supposedly. It was scheduled for 1pm but typical for my doctor, he was running behind and nothing happened until 2pm. We were there for about 6 hours by the time we were able to leave. I feel ok. I had some cramping, and I occasionally feel a little sore around my lower back and right ovary, but it's manageable. I think the anesthesia threw me for a loop, though. When I got up yesterday, I felt fine, but as the day went on, I felt slightly nauseous, tired, and woozy and my head hurt. I had thought about going into work initially but stayed home and napped, which was great. I still don't have much of an appetite, which is unusual for me, and my head still hurts, which sucks. I think it is sinus related. It's like a sinus migraine. So today, even though I think I feel more normal, I will probably need to lounge around again to baby my head. All in all, I was a little surprised I guess. My doctor told me breezily that the aspiration would be as simple as egg retrieval, but I felt worse than I expected afterwards. Definitely not as bad as after my lap of course but a little worse than after egg retrieval.

I think my favorite part of the pre-surgery process was when the nurse asked me if I was having trouble getting pregnant. I probably shouldn't have been surprised considering they know my doctor and work with him lots, therefore knowing what he does, but I was a little stunned by it. But out came the entire story. Why not? It's not like I had anything else to do. She was very chatty. Oh, and as they were wheeling me to the OR, I noticed the woman in bed across the hall from me was reading Baby Proof. I thought that was appropriate.

Husband is taking very good care of me, though I of course feel guilty because I feel like I don't deserve to be waited on unless I'm on my deathbed. Maybe it comes from being so seldom sick.

Off to go recline on the couch!

And a huge thank you to Samantha for her gift yesterday. Husband and I really, really appreciate it! We hope your move is smooth and that your new home treats you well.

Calmer

2008-07-31T08:27:00.003-04:00

Well, things are finally calmer around here. I confronted the sys admin yesterday, and she told me the whole situation had been blown out of proportion. I don't know if she was deflecting and/or backtracking, but hey, we addressed the issue. Then we had a good meeting about the changes we are doing. So...for now, peace seems to reign.

You may wonder if my job stresses me out this much and I clearly have issues about it and my coworkers why I stay here. Well, it's complicated. A few years ago I realized that I didn't want to work in IT anymore but didn't believe that I had skills to get a decent-paying job anywhere else (my undergrad is in English and I did no internship because I thought I was going to teach but decided not to). Anyhoo, I decided to go to grad school so I could do something else. I work at a university, and thankfully, my department is very flexible with allowing me to take classes during the day and I can use tuition waivers. Plus, a couple of years ago, I moved to the marketing department, and I usually like the work I do. Finally after almost 3 full years going to grad school part-time, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, so moving to a different position soon might be possible because I won't need quite as much flexibility with my schedule. However, now $$$ comes in because I can't really take a pay cut right now due to surrogacy and/or adoption and unless I stayed in an IT job, I probably would have to take a pay cut. Sooo...those are some of the variables I am juggling. You might not have been wondering about any of this, but I hate it when people whine and whine about how awful their life/job/spouse/friends are and don't do anything about it. I'm trying to do something about it (grad school), but it's complicated. Hey, maybe I'll win the lottery and all of this will be a moot point!

Today is my aspiration. What an ordeal this has been. My time has been changed THREE times. I had another voicemail yesterday telling me that my new time was 10:45 and to be there at 7:45. When I called them back, they said, "no, it's 1pm; be here at 11." I confirmed with both the hospital AND the clinic, so hopefully the last time truly is the correct one. I still would not be surprised to get there at 11am and have them tell me that I either missed my time or am way too early LOL. All this for a 10-minute procedure! It got to the point that I was afraid to leave my office for fear they would leave another voicemail telling me yet another new time :-)

My mother confirmed that my youngest cousin (she'll be 25 in September) has started fertility testing. She and her husband have been trying for a year. It's supposed to be a secret, but since no one in my mother's family can keep a secret, everyone knows but have been sworn to secrecy. They all know about my issues, and I've urged my mother to tell her sister (my cousin's mother) that I am there for my cousin if she needs it...email, call, whatever. I want her to have a good support system. And to make matters worse for my cousin, her sister-in-law (and my cousin-in-law) is newly pg. My cousin dislikes her sister-in-law and her brother and sister-in-law are not in a very good financial position. Even worse, they live about 20 feet away from my cousin, so she'll have to see her pg sister-in-law often. I really hope that my cousin's issues can be handled easily.

I admit to being slightly amused by the possibility of being able to tell my mother, "gee, I guess infertility DOES run in YOUR family after all" now that my cousin is experiencing problems as well and my mother is fond of blaming my father's side of the family for my problems.

Niobe asked if I had any recommendations based on the books I read on vacation. I did not read anything that could be considered remotely highbrow, but I did read a few I would recommend if you like chick lit:

The Little Lady Agency series (Browne)

Names My Sisters Call Me (Crane)

Flinging Pens at the Wall

2008-07-29T16:34:00.002-04:00

This has been an interesting week, and it's only Tuesday. Yesterday, I had planned a slightly smug post on how I handled yesterday's petty work irritations with a zen-like calm. However, at the end of the day, I encountered a major issue that left me unsettled due to the (unexpected) amount of work it would take to fix it (it's not anyone's fault; it's an issue of migrating to a new system and some code is no longer supported, but it's going to take some re-work). The realization of the issue stuck in my gut, and I felt like it would foreshadow the rest of the week in terms of unwelcome surprises and frustrations.

And it has been all of that. I had my pre-op visit at the clinic today, and again I had to wait ridiculously long for the 10-minute session. Then we tackle the nurse coordinator in charge of surrogacy, and boy, is she grumpy and crabby. I asked about our cycling schedules and ordering meds, and she again gave vague responses. I asked how long our surrogate would need to be on lupron and whether it would be enough time since my last BCP would be Aug. 14 (since I have no other pills). She snarkily replied that I would be on pills until I was told otherwise and that someone would call me when it was time to order meds. Ok, now I'm pissed. Is it that hard to be organized? Is it that hard to have approximate dates? Of course it doesn't matter to her when we cycle but sure as hell matters to me who has been waiting almost a year for this.

My fear now is that she will dawdle and we'll have to wait another month because we missed the window for our surrogate to begin lupron. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became, so if we haven't received anything in a few days, I'm going to have Husband take care of it. But finding out that I wouldn't be stimming around Aug. 19 was a kick in the gut. Even though I told myself not to, I had become attached to that date.

Then, back at work, I returned from my 2-minute journey to our kitchen to discover that the clinic had called to inform me that the time for my procedure on Thursday had changed. Of course, they didn't leave the time. I call back and get voicemail and live by the phone for the rest of the afternoon, snarling at anyone who called that I needed to keep the line clear. At 4:30 I called HER and we agreed on the new time of 2:30. She suggested 8:15 at first, but I've already rescheduled meetings for that morning and don't want to have to reschedule them again.

And then a coworker comes down and informs me that our systems administrator is on the warpath because one of my sites is throwing an error on the new server set-up (which is still in testing by the way) and the coworker had to fix it and just a heads up b/c the sys admin is irritated at my "lack of consistent linking" and wants to discuss it and may have me change everything. And there's the other shoe dropping, the sick feeling in my gut that I've had since yesterday. First of all, why didn't she call me about this and give me the chance to explain and fix it. I heard nothing. And then I realized I can't even get to the new server to fix it and when I try to call her and my coworker, they are both conveniently gone for the day. Nothing like dropping a bomb and leaving. And here I am left to stew over it.

I'm just so damn tired of all this. I don't feel like I am allowed to make a mistake. I feel like they are waiting for me to make mistakes. I had reasons for what I did (though the error was of course unintentional), but now I feel like nothing I say will make a difference, and that I have no idea how to do my job. And deep down, I believe that.

I thank you all for the techniques you gave me to try to relieve my anxiety, but it's not working today :-( I'm trying to figure out a way out of this situation, this feeling. I purposely gave up one of my applications (the hands-on coding of it) because I was tired of fighting with the IT manager who hates the way it was done (even though he doesn't use it and doesn't know anything about programming). Now I wonder if I'm not going to feel at ease until I give up all of my sites and take myself out of the equation.

My old friend anxiety

2008-07-27T11:25:00.004-04:00

It's funny because the hardest part about blogging for me is coming up with a post title. Do I go for pithy? Should I avoid pathos? My mind is foggy right now, so nothing is leaping to mind. Maybe a title will come to me after I write.

So, vacation is over. And unfortunately, it was just "ok." We had only 1 good day at the beach before Tropical Storm Cristobal came through. We were already leaving on Monday, so we ended up coming home on Sunday, a day early. It sucked because the tropical storm wasn't bad, but it was bad enough to make the ocean dangerous and cause it to rain all day, so we decided to head home instead of stay in our room. The food was just ok as well, and unfortunately, the bookstore wasn't open when we left. So it kinda sucked all around.

We had a good couple of days at home, though. We went to see The Dark Knight on Monday afternoon, and it was as good as everyone says it was. There is something very decadent about eating a large over-buttered popcorn at 2pm on a Monday when everyone else is at work :-) We've decided that our less-than-stellar beach trip means that we are going to try to plan another weekend in late September while it is still warm. I was able to read 8 books in the last week, though, so that was quite heavenly.

I was not thrilled to return to work. There is so much drama there. I've discovered that I think my real problem is anxiety more than depression, and I REALLY miss my medication. There are situations at work that are really stressing me out and making me anxious, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Intellectually, I know and I have been told by caring co-workers that the situations making me anxious are not worth it and don't matter in the scheme of things, but I can't turn off the worry and anxiety. I seem to go through a bad phase like this about 6 months. Last August/September was bad. Last January was bad and now here I am again. It's difficult for me because this drama and the situations play on my insecurities perfectly. My chief insecurity is that I am a fraud and have no idea how to do my job, am a screw up and that I'm going to be found out and humiliated. I've been dealing with this insecurity for a long time. Does everyone feel that way to some extent? Does it go along with being a perfectionist? I just wish I didn't care so much about everything. If anyone has any tips for quietening an over-active, anxious mind, I'm all ears.

In cycling news, AF arrived only 4 days after finishing progesterone. That is a record for me. I started BCPs on Friday. If everything goes as planned (ha ha ha), it's possible I could get the go-ahead to start stimming around August 19. That would be lovely, but I'm not going to count on it.

The clinic is being frustrating. The financial person we had worked with quit and the new one is not up to speed yet. Supposedly, the cycling calendars will be created and mailed to me and our surro next week, at which point we will be able to order meds. And my aspiration is Thursday and no one could tell Husband with confidence where the pre-op visit on Tuesday is. We were supposed to get a call from the hospital last week but didn't. Thankfully, Husband is on top of it. He lives for this sort of thing. Oh, we weren't able to get the aspiration rescheduled, so my next task will be to try to get them to agree to a light meal very early on Thursday morning. If not, I'll just have to suck it up and deal with it. I'm good at that by now, I think ;-)

And, now, to end this post on a more positive note, here are some pics:

Approach of TS Cristobal

Book, drink, beach

My front flower garden

Roses from my rose garden

Happiness Is...

2008-07-18T08:45:00.003-04:00

Two bags full of books to take to the beach.
Going to the beach.
Eating GREAT food, calories be damned
Watching Husband frolic in the ocean while I sit on the beach with a drink in one hand and a book in the other. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

We leave for the beach today! I have been anxious about work (really, why should I care so much?) all week (progesterone + anxiety-prone person = moody beast), but as of today, all that anxiety has melted away. The beach is great of course, but we have all these little rituals. We eat at the same great restaurants. We stop by the bookstore on our way home so I can buy a few books (this bookstore is a jewel. They always have the most interesting stuff). It's just a great time being with Husband and doing something for ourselves.

The funny thing is that our annual beach trip is always notable for something always happening. In 2005 we were stressed because we were selling our house. In 2006 I was in the 2ww from my first Clomid cycle and developed a yeast infection. In 2007 I started lupron for my FET but even more memorable was the fact that we had boarded our cats, and one of them needed medicine, and the employee bungled it so badly that my cat lost a claw and had to go to the vet. So keep your fingers crossed that this 2008 beach trip is notable for its lack of excitement. Think calm, boring and relaxing.

In the mail Tuesday I found a packet from the clinic with my aspiration date set. Oh. Nice to know. Glad I was consulted! I will have the cyst/tube aspirated on July 31. The sucky part is that it won't be until 4:30 and I can't eat after midnight, so I'm going to be starving. I could try to get it changed, but I don't know if it's worth the headache. I've got to be at the hospital by 1:30, so I'm working a half day that day and taking off all of Friday, Aug. 1 to recover.

Ok, have to go pack! Have a great weekend!

Forward Motion

2008-07-14T08:50:00.002-04:00

Summer is OVER! Thank goodness because I think I was going to go crazy if I had to go one more day.

I had my appointment with the clinic so the RE could take a gander at my ovary last Friday. I waited TWO HOURS for my appointment and predictably, the appointment itself was over in about 5 minutes. The doctor can't decide if what he saw is an endometrioma or fluid in my tube that is distorting the tube and making it wrap more around my ovary (thank you again, endometriosis, for the gift that keeps on giving). He asked me if the tube had been cauterized, and I told him yes. He smugly replied, "yes, I wrote a paper on that years ago that has now become standard practice." I hope he couldn't see me rolling my eyes on the table. He's decided that he wants to take a closer look and drain what's there--whether fluid-filled tube or endometrioma--before we cycle. It will likely take place in August. I asked, "will I get a day off from work?" He replied, "yes," and that's all I needed to know :-)

So, I started Provera on Saturday and will take it for 10 more days. Eventually, I will get a period. I say eventually because in the past, it has often taken at least 7 days for me to get a period after taking Provera. After that I will start BCPs (huh? I thought he didn't want me on them?). Our surro will likely have started BCPs about a week before I do. Once I'm on BCPs, I'll have the cyst/tube drained, and then once they tell me to stop the pill, we'll be ready to cycle!

It's kind of weird being on Provera again. I associate it with failure and frustration. Provera was what my gyno prescribed after my second cycle off BCPs lasted for 70 days. Provera is what I took 2 more times when I still didn't ovulate and before I started Clomid. It's what I took after I didn't ovulate on my first cycle of 100mg of Clomid. It's so "Year 1" of my infertility journey. In some ways I think of us as nearing the end of our journey: if surrogacy does not work, we will move to adoption. So it seems fitting that our journey both begins and ends with Provera.

My best friend K started a baby blog about her daughter, E. For some reason, her blog hurts a bit. I remember feeling kicked in the gut when I first visited J's blog for her daughter, but it's primarily pictures. K's posts are real posts, and K is blogging about her adventures in motherhood. K is a good writer, and her posts are witty and poignant. And so happy. I compare my ramblings in this blog (an infertility blog) to her posts and feel like I am lacking in comparison. But is it the blog or just my perception of our very different situations?

We're going to the beach on Friday. Oh. We are now an iPhone family. Husband stood in line for 8 hours on Friday to procure them. I'm a little scared of it, but I am in love with how intuitive it is. Me with an iPhone. Is a Mac far behind?

Crazy Mothers Anonymous

2008-07-07T08:32:00.003-04:00

Whew. They left yesterday, and it was great getting the house back. Even our kitties seemed relieved.

I often say that after a visit to/from my mother that I want to join the witness protection program and just disappear. My mother is that stressful.

The bottom line is that my mother is an alcoholic who is incapable of thinking beyond herself and providing me with any amount of support. I don't think she's ever asked me once in the three years of IF how I feel or how I am dealing with it. Everything is about HER. A lot of people have hurt me and let me down throughout this process, but she is the queen. A few highlights from the weekend:

My mother is two glasses of wine into the afternoon (it's about 3pm) when our friends K&G stop by with their 2-month-old. They visited for about an hour, which was nice. My mother made their baby a dress. K is sitting on the couch with her baby on her chest, and the baby is out cold. She's in that kind of frog position. My mother is sitting next to K and says, "See, she knows. She knows her mommy and knows that is where she lived for 9 months." Husband and I are sitting there stunned. After all, no children of ours will come from my body. What will that make me? Not the mother? Of course, it never occurred to my mother that her BARREN daughter who is working with a surrogate might be bothered by that comment or that maybe that comment wouldn't apply to me. And coward that I am, I said nothing.

Five or six glasses of wine into the evening: "I still hope that one day, after you have a baby via surrogacy, that you will get a surprise pregnancy." OMFG. Are you kidding me? I replied, "Mother, that's not going to happen. I am barren. I am STERILE. My only tube was cauterized. It would truly be a miracle if I were to get pregnant without treatment...a genuine miracle."

Maybe she felt a little embarrassed or some memory of exactly what was done to me during my laparoscopy tickled the reptilian brain that is all she has left because then she moved on to her favorite game of Blame My Father (my parents are divorced): "well, it must have come from your father's side of the family because no one in my family has it." I finally realized that she meant endo. I patiently told her that 1) I don't think that endo can be inherited that way (my father's sister had endo). I could be wrong but I seriously doubt the endo came from him. Women with UUs often develop endo due to flow issues. I then reminded her that endo isn't my only problem, and that I have a unicornuate uterus which is a big problem. Which allowed her to wring her hands and declare that she often wonders whether she did anything wrong when she was pregnant with me that caused this. Right, because it's all about her.

THEN she tells me that she's thought a lot about it and maybe it's a trade off. I have no uterus, but I'm super smart. WTF? And I remind her that I DO have a uterus; it's just not fully developed. And anyway, what a consolation. Gee, I'm smart and that certainly makes up for NOT having a working uterus.

Hopelessly slurry at this point: Sighs my mother, "You used to look like me and have my body type, but now you look just like your father's side of the family." Which clearly is not a compliment. I asked her what she meant, and she told me that the women in her family have little bird arms and legs and put weight on only in their stomach. I'm built bigger and have bigger, more solid legs

Oh, and my mother's newest hobby and possible business venture? Making baby clothes. Hand-sewn and embroidered, beautiful baby clothes. Talk about torture. And within 5 minutes of their arrival, she told me that she knew I would have a boy, and she wouldn't be able to make anything cute for it.

So that's a snapshot of my weekend with my mother. She's so excited about surrogacy, and she's so generous at times, but she can be so damned insensitive. She wonders why I don't visit more and why I'll never move back to my hometown and I think it's pretty obvious. I wish to god I had a better support system. I wish I had a mother I could count on and trust with my raw, fragile psyche. I wish that I wasn't an only child and had a sister with whom I could commiserate over my mother's awful behavior. Maybe I wouldn't feel so alone and unloved.

One Major Hurdle Cleared

2008-07-05T10:43:00.003-04:00

My mother and stepfather are in town this weekend, so this will be a short post.

I heard from our surro on Thursday, and her uterus has received the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval from the clinic. We still have to wait for the results of the endometrial biopsy, but it is a huge relief to know that her uterus is fine. She will start BCPs with her next cycle!!!! Is this really going to happen? Are we really getting started? Her birthday is today, and I sent her a card. Hopefully this will be a good year for all of us.

So, yes, my mother and stepfather are here through tomorrow morning. The visit is going well so far, but mon dieu, it's been interesting. Here's a teaser: our friends K and G came over with their 2 month old yesterday b/c my mother wanted to meet the baby and give her a gift she'd made. Cooing mother (mine) + adorable infant + infertile me = a few memorable comments.

Various and Sundry

2008-06-26T17:55:00.005-04:00

Hi ladies,
Thanks for the commiseration, advice and support you offered during my blue Friday last week. I'm still having ups and downs but overall, I feel better. I had an appointment with my therapist last Saturday, and it's so nice to be validated and reminded that yeah, Husband and I are dealing with a lot and we're coping with it the best we can. Worth every penny of that $40 copay :)

Surrogacy update: We had the nurse education class and psych eval today. It honestly was probably the best appointment we've had there so far. We had to wait only a few minutes and we got out only 15 minutes late. Not bad! It was good to go over the schedule with the donor coordinator. It's sort of weird because they are treating me like I'm my own donor LOL, so they are planning my cycle as if it were a donor cycle, only I'm the donor. I think we still have some details to work out, but it sounds like I will be stimming in August...possibly early August but more likely mid-August. I can deal with that. The unknown is still how/when we handle my cycle since I'm an infrequent ovulator. I won't be on lupron before I start stimming, which is interesting, but instead I'll be on an antagonist protocol, which is familiar to me since that's what I was on at clinic #2. I have an appointment on July 10 for the RE to meet my endometrioma and decide what he wants to do.

The most surprising news is that we apparently no longer have a male factor issue. Husband gave a sample yesterday, and his numbers were very good. Our problem with him had been slightly low motility, but it's back in the normal range. I guess that's why they recommend having more than 1 sample tested if there's an issue. As far as SCSA, Husband argued with them about it since the RE left us with the impression that if we didn't want to use donor sperm if there were a problem, we might as well not get the test. He told them they could pay for it if they really wanted it, and they are!!!!

The psych eval was odd. Well, more accurately, the psychiatrist was odd. He kept staring at us and not asking questions, and we had that uncomfortable urge to talk to get rid of the silence. Ick. I think we *passed* but IMO, it was so totally NOT worth the $185 it cost.

Summer school: I started summer school last week, and it's keeping me busy. I go to class every day for 3.5 hours and drive an hour each way. Class is in session until July 10. It's a good class, though. It's on services marketing, and since I work in the marketing department for a service company, it's very relevant. I created a blog for my coworkers in marketing so we can discuss some of the stuff I'm learning. It makes for a long day, though. I get to work at 7, work until noon, and then drive to class. I'm in class from 1 - 4:30 and then drive home. Read a chapter and do homework. Rinse and repeat. This week is the longest week b/c it's a full week. The next two weeks are only four-day weeks, so that helps. Long story short, I probably won't have a chance to update much in the next couple of weeks.

Work: It looks like there is some work drama about to start with my former boss from when I was in another department, and I'm trying to keep an extremely low profile since the man hates me (who could hate me????) and a paranoid coworker says the shit is about to hit the fan, and the former boss will likely be lashing out at a lot of people. Apparently, he might even be monitoring web usage and email (!!!!), so forgive me if I don't get to your blogs regularly in the next few weeks since I'll be avoiding doing so from work (bad me). Hopefully it will blow over without me being dragged into it.

So, things are progressing. We booked our beach vacation, and it will happen the week after summer school ends, which is suddenly right around the corner. I'm tucking the idea of cycling in mid-August in the back of my mind. I don't won't to get my heart set on the dates since dates change so much, but I think we're close. Maybe. Hopefully.

Will we ever get there?

2008-06-20T09:22:00.002-04:00

Husband and I met with the doctor at the clinic on Wednesday. Our appointment was for 3:30. Despite there being no one in the waiting room, we weren't called back to the office until 4. Another 10 minutes of waiting and the doctor walked in, greeted us, and was promptly called back out. Forty minutes later he deigned to rejoin us and didn't even apologize for the fact that we had been sitting there twiddling our thumbs for almost an hour. However, I have heard about this doctor from local women, so I was prepared for anything.

The meeting was good but a tad frustrating. I think my biggest problem was that he wouldn't LISTEN to what we were saying. He's trying to get us to have SCSA done on Husband's sperm, but said if the results are bad, we could use 50% donor sperm and 50% Husband's sperm but wouldn't tell us if bad results would mean little or no chance of pregnancy. He said if we were determined to use Husband's sperm regardless then he wouldn't do the test. Okkkk....do you require it or not? Do the results matter or not?

And it looks like we are facing more delays. When he found out I was on BCPs, he told me to stop them immediately and that he wanted me off them for a month before we cycle. I told him about my endometrioma, and he said he wants to see it for himself in a couple of weeks and then he would decide whether to treat it. Glad I waited 4 hours for the ultrasound a few weeks ago! It sounds like he treats it using a type of sclerotherapy. He will drain out the gunk and then bathe the area with acohol or something.

He wants to sync me and our GC starting with the cycle after I've been off BCPs...ok, problem is that I don't ovulate regularly (like I need more problems?!?!). He said we could use Provera to get me started. Great. Sometimes with provera it takes me 7-10 days after the last pill before I get a period. I think the best idea is to use our GC's cycle and plan around it. Her July cycle should be late July, so maybe we can get started then. And that will dovetail nicely with the end of the 1 month requirement. But argh. There are so many variables to consider. Will they want to put her on BCPs for a couple of weeks? If I'm not on BCPs, will I go straight into lupron? What if I do ovulate but it's weeks before our GC has her July cycle? Will that delay us another month?

At this point I am thinking we'll be lucky to start cycling in August. My brain knows that August isn't very far away, but my heart and emotions are impatient and tired of waiting.

Oh, the pathology report on my moles came back the same day, and they were diagnosed as abnormal. Not benign. Not malignant. Abnormal. How was this communicated to me? Via a postcard in the mail!!! I freaked out and ran upstairs to Google it. I think I'm ok. I think it means that the moles don't look normal but they aren't cancerous and may not even indicate an elevated risk for melanoma. Nothing like being told you are abnormal via the mail!

I came in and cried and cried. I cried out all the frustration I have been feeling, and it felt good. In some ways, my attitude towards the cycle has changed. A few months ago, I was thinking that surrogacy just might work, and now I'm thinking that the hurdles are so high that of course it won't work. All the delays are just salt in the wound. But at least I feel more stable now that my emotional levels have been reset.

And so it begins

2008-06-17T09:16:00.003-04:00

Today is our bloodwork appointment at the clinic. I thought I had my bloodwork done a few weeks ago, but it turns out that I need more. So off we go. Last time they drew blood I had an ugly bruise for over a week, so I'm not looking forward to that. It will go nicely with the ugly bandaids for the two moles I had removed last week. Oh, yeah. I had two moles removed last Wednesday. I went in for my bi-annual skin check and left two moles lighter. The good thing is that now I can resume annual skin checks. I celebrated by promptly getting sunburnt on my arms at a meeting held outside a few days later. Sigh. I have fair skin, and I really do try not to get sunburnt. I have accepted the fact that I am not meant or able to tan. Please keep your fingers crossed that the moles are cancer-free.

I called my father to wish him Happy Father's Day, and he asked for an update on the surrogacy situation. I updated him, and he replied, "I don't even know what to say. I don't mean to sound discouraging or like I don't approve because I do, but I just don't know what to say. I hope it works." Um, yeah, me too! It was just an odd comment from him because he has been super interested in surrogacy since we told him and my stepmother about it. However, my father is 64. I'm sure this situation is freaking him out a little bit. Plus, he wasn't informed of my previous cycles until afterwards, so this is his first time.

I walked in the local Komen Race for the Cure with some coworkers on Saturday. It was my first time participating, and I was glad I did. It was sobering and inspiring to see the various messages people wore. I hope to do it again next year.

Coming Down

2008-06-13T08:47:00.002-04:00

Happy Friday the 13th! I love it. No triskaidekaphobia or Paraskevidekatriaphobia here! I am so glad this week is almost over. Husband has been involved in a huge project that has reached its peak this week, and thankfully it ends on Sunday. I'm training a student intern, and I really just want to be left alone this week.

Coming down. Husband and I talked about it and decided that I should wean myself off my antidepressant before we cycle. I wasn't thrilled with that idea b/c I'm not sure now is the best time to do it (stress, anxiety, etc.), but at the same time, I don't want to have anything in my system that might impact egg development. I know that the likelihood of that happening is low, but if my egg production is crappy or we have crappy embryo development, I'll always wonder (but nobody is taking away my wine). So last week I started my decreased dosage, and boy do I feel emotional. It's like pretty bad case of PMS. I also feel a little blue. It amazes me to think that changing my dosage could affect me so dramatically already, so I wonder if I'm just stressed overall. I'm sure I'll adjust soon, but I'm trying to be aware of my moods and manage them before they get out of hand.

My book club read Jeffrey Eugenides' novel Middlesex for our June meeting. I had read it before, but I really enjoyed it the second time around. It's yet another one of those before and after books. I read it 5 years ago before I know about our problems, and reading it now was interesting. I promise that I don't go around finding IF relevance in everything I read. It is just a coincidence that it happened with back-to-back books.

Anyway, the main character of the novel is a hermaphrodite or intersexed individual. She appeared to be a girl at birth, so she was raised as a girl, but she is genetically male. Her condition is an accident of fate and genetics. The novel has a lot to say in terms of gender roles and what makes a woman a woman and a man a man. Callie doesn't discover her true gender until she is 14, and until she does, she feels out of place because she isn't developing like other girls.

That's a very quick and dirty summary, but the bottom line is that I identified with Callie and her struggle. Having a uterine anomaly, I understand feeling like you've lost the genetic crapshoot. Feeling like your life would be SO different if only you'd developed normally. And thanks to my uterus, I often feel like less of a woman. I'm not whole. I'm not saying I feel like a man, but I don't feel like a woman or like much of a woman. I'm sure that feeling is one that many of us have felt as we have struggled with IF. Ehhh, not very profound (I haven't finished my coffee yet), but I certainly didn't expect to find commonality with a hermaphrodite!

Send good wishes and congratulations to Samantha, who received long-awaited and much-deserved good news at her beta yesterday.

Dates

2008-06-09T13:16:00.004-04:00

Ok, contract has been signed and notarized by us and mailed off. Our GS should receive it today or tomorrow. I almost had a breakdown on Friday when we were pushing getting the 4 copies printed out before the bank closed at 5:30 (where we were getting notarized). Husband had originally set out on Friday to buy ink for the printer and ended up with a great deal on a new laser printer. The only problem was that he didn't return home with it until 4:15 and then had to set it up. Thankfully, everything worked out.

Our GS was also able to make her appointments today. Her blood work, ultrasound and endometrial biopsy will be July 1. It's a little later than I'd like, but she has to be at a certain place in her cycle, so it's out of our hands. We should know that day how everything (other than blood work which I'm not concerned about) checks out. Even though that date puts us most likely transferring in early- to mid-August, I am feeling calmer than I have. We have a date on which I can focus. We can plan our beach trip with a degree of certainty. I have a frame of reference. It's a good thing. I feel like I can exhale the breath I've been holding as I've raced to get everything else in order.

Please keep Kymberli in your thoughts as she and her IPs await the numbers from a 4th beta.

Signing and Notarizing

2008-06-06T09:34:00.002-04:00

Today is a big day. First of all, it's Friday! Woo-hoo! And it's hot as hell here. It's supposed to be 99 degrees today. Yuck.

It's a big day because Husband and I are signing and notarizing the surrogacy contracts today. Then we will mail them to our GS for her and her husband to sign and notarize, and then we will be official! It's been around 9 months (isn't that auspicious) since we met her and definitely 9 months since we seriously started considering surrogacy, and it's great finally to be at this point. Now our next big hurdle will be making sure her uterus is as perfect as it was declared to be last year before she became pg with surro baby #1.

I finally got the results of my CD3 labs. Turns out I could have called the patient system for it. Too bad I didn't know that since I wasn't given a card with instructions! Oh well. Anyway, the results were pretty good. E2 was 19 and FSH was 7.3. My FSH is a bit higher than I would like, but I bet that the endo-covered right ovary has something to do with that since I've read that cutting away some of the ovary can reduce that ovary's functionality. But now I'm wondering what those 7 other cysts are. They clearly aren't estrogen-producing. Are they brand new endo cysts? Are they cysts that are in the process of resolving? Guess I shouldn't worry about it too much.

My friend K with the newborn returns to work on June 16 after only a 6-week maternity leave. She works for a small company and is ineligible for FMLA. She has 3 weeks of paid leave via sick/vacation days and 3 weeks of unpaid leave. I feel bad for her. I had diligently saved my sick leave in order to have my 12 weeks of FMLA paid, but that was before I knew about our IF. I suspect that surrogacy will be treated like adoption here, so I'm eligible for 6 weeks of paid leave via my sick leave and the other 6 weeks will be either unpaid or paid via vacation days. It sucks because here I am with all this sick leave I won't be able to use for my own maternity leave, and many of my friends barely get any maternity leave and have to return to work after so little time. I hate how maternity leave is handled in this country.

I'm starting to worry about jinxing myself. Ladies, I'm a worrier, and I often worry about silly things. I'm so excited that we are making progress finally, and I've updated friends and family who are in the know about the latest developments. Now, however, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for her uterus to be declared unsuitable. I'm waiting for the cycle not to work or for me to have a horrible cycle and not produce decent (or any) embryos. I'm trying to tell myself that 1) it's ok to have hope (really? me? hope?) and 2) it will be a relief just to be actively doing something because even if surrogacy doesn't work, we are journeying down our path.

Shifting Perspectives

2008-06-04T09:16:00.002-04:00

In my other life, my non-IF life (ha ha...is there such a thing?), I have a blog I started in January of this year to keep track of the books I read in 2008. So far, I'm up to 39 (almost 40) books. My goal is at least 52, so I'm on track. You can access it here if you'd like. Through this blog and other book bloggers I found, I'm participating in a group read of Anne of Green Gables this month to celebrate its 100th anniversary.

Anne has always been a favorite of mine, especially since I have red hair also(though not as red as hers!) and was a lonely only child with a vivid imagination (that's what happens when you are forced to entertain yourself). It has always been a source of pride for me that people who know me who have read the book or seen the movies tell me I'm like her. To use Anne-speak, Anne and I have always been kindred spirits.

As I reread the first few chapters of the book, I was shocked by how I reacted to a few parts. In case you don't know, Anne is an orphan who hopes to find her forever home at Green Gables. Adoption and responses to adoption are prominent. A lot of the impressions of adoption are hurtful...Mrs. Lynde asserting that an orphan boy will burn down the house or put strychnine in the well and the idea that a child from a certain geographic location is preferable. As an IFer, I was really bothered by those comments, and I was unprepared for how it cut me to the quick. And as Anne recounted the rough early years of her life, I hurt for her. I just wanted to give her a hug and assure her that she was lovable, especially when she discovers the Cuthberts preferred a boy. She's exactly the kind of daughter I hope to have: charming, smart, adorable, quirky.

When I read the book when I was younger, obviously I didn't relate to the orphan/adoption aspect of the story as much as I do now. I felt bad for her and wanted her to find a home, but her life and indeed the book have an entirely new meaning for me now that I am coming to the book as a 30-year-old who will move to adoption in the next year if surrogacy doesn't work. I think that being able to relate and find meaning in a book in different ways throughout the years as one's life changes defines a classic. Anne of Green Gables is definitely that.

Bloodletting

2008-06-02T11:29:00.003-04:00

I hope everyone had a good weekend. If you are in the South like I am, you probably had a very hot weekend. I wanted warmer temperatures so I could wear cute summer clothes, but wow. I don't know if I was ready for 90 degree temps.

So, we are making progress. I have scheduled appointments for Husband's labs and SA as well as our nurse education class and psych eval. We met with a new doctor at our clinic last October, but it seems that he doesn't work out of the local office anymore, so I decided it would be a good idea to meet meet with the main doctor in order to go over my protocol and at least say, "hi," so that appointment is made as well. I've asked my surrogate to make her appointments as well, and I'm waiting for the clinic's billing department to call me back so I can set up billing info for our surrogate's testing.

Day 3 happened to be on Saturday, so I made my way to the clinic bright and early and was there at 7:45 am. I had my blood drawn for E2/FSH as well as the IVF labs by 8:30, but I insisted on an u/s because I wanted to check out what was going on with my ovaries--specifically my endometrioma--and I'd rather know the situation now before we start cycling than discover something heinous after I've already had a few injections and have to cancel the cycle. So I marched back out to the waiting room and sat and waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. They were really busy that day, so I thought that maybe they made me last. Finally, at 11:30 when the last cycling patient had been seen, I asked if I were still going to have an u/s. Funny how they got me back so quickly. It may be silly, but I was determined not to leave. Yes, I was there for 4.5 hours, but I wanted that u/s. And I think I'm finally at the point in my treatment history where I'm going to make sure I get what I want. And I wanted an u/s.

As for the u/s itself, it revealed that my old friend Fred the Endometrioma is still hale and hearty at 26mm. He would make an excellent follie. The somewhat surprising news is that my right ovary also has 7 cysts. I guess normal cysts...not endometriomas. How can I have cysts when I have been on BCPs since October? I've even had a few months where I've done back-to-back BCPs. Huh? The nurse thinks they'll resolve, but ugh. Maybe they explain what that pinchy/pulling pain on my right side has been. Luckily, my left ovary is perfectly clear. It better be ready to pull its weight and then some.

It felt a little weird to be back in a clinic's waiting room for a monitoring appointment again. It's been almost a year since I've been in that place. It was a familiar feeling, though, even though it was a new waiting room.

I sent the 3rd draft of the contract to our surro, and she had a question about the compensation schedule that we are working out. Hopefully we will get that settled today and then we can have the attorney update the contract, and we will be ready to sign and notarize!!!

Husband asked his mom if it was ok with her to have her listed as the person designated to take custody of the baby if we both were to die while the surro is pg. Her response was an enthusiastic, "I'd love to!" before she quickly qualified that by saying that she of course doesn't want us to die. LOL. I'm glad that MIL is happy to have the responsibility if necessary.

And I'm still slightly panicked by all the stuff we need to do. I'm a process-oriented person, so I need to just let go and breathe.

Deer Be Gone

2008-05-29T08:23:00.003-04:00

I used to like deer. Sweet, shy animals. So pretty. I grew up in a rural area and now live in a somewhat rural area, so seeing deer is not uncommon, but there is still something magical about seeing them wander through your back yard. Unfortunately, the deer really like my roses. We first discovered this last year when on Mother's Day, I went outside and found my bushes mauled. The roses survived, but the roses had been full of buds ready to bloom, and it was a kick in the gut on an already hard day.

We hadn't had problems with deer yet this year, and I hoped that the wet spring might keep them away since they could easily find food. Alas, that theory was shot down yesterday. My rose bushes were again full of buds, days away from exploding with blooms. I went outside yesterday, and you guessed it...they had been eaten. The poor bushes look shorn. Again, they're still alive, but it's so awful seeing the bushes like that. So yeah, I used to like deer. Nobody messes with my roses. We used a "deer-be-gone" spray last year that worked ok, but we've decided that a more permanent solution is needed: chicken wire. It's going to look awful around the bushes, but hopefully it will protect them.

In surrogacy news, we are making a little progress! We received the second draft of the contract late yesterday, and there is only 1 tiny correction that needs to be made. The donor/surrogacy coordinator from the clinic FINALLY returned my call yesterday (I had called her twice in the last week with no response). It turns out that we CAN get started with testing since our contract is in the finalization stages! I'm going to try to schedule my testing today, and I've emailed our surrogate to set up hers. I asked the coordinator when we could start cycling, and she said that if the surro's tests come back clear, then with her next cycle (mid-June)! I'm still anticipating things really getting going in July, but wow.

The funny thing is that after she told me that, I started to panic a little bit. Am I ready for this? Do we have all our financial ducks in a row? I had a brief desire to flee. After waiting for this for almost 9 months, I panic? That's not the reaction I was expecting. But I calmed down. I am ready. We ARE ready. This is one of those situation in which I just need to take a deep breath and a step forward and let what needs to happen happen.

Antsy

2008-05-27T09:28:00.002-04:00

It sucks being back at work after a 4-day weekend. Sigh. At least it's Tuesday though. And, I looked at my calendar and realized that I have no meetings this week! Score! I do have to go to Greensboro on Friday, but that's ok. That makes the week seem even shorter, which is never a bad thing.

Husband and I had a great weekend. We slept late. I read 3 books. We ate junk. We caught up on shows saved in our DVR. We even made more progress in our ongoing quest to clean our garage. And what a beautiful weekend! Our neighbors have put bird houses and feeders throughout their back yard, and as a result, we have birds everywhere in ours. It was so nice sitting on our porch yesterday watching the birds. For the first time, I could understand how people become bird watchers.

I'm feeling pretty antsy, though. I'm hoping to receive the next draft of our contract this week. We've had some delays getting the attorney the final set of changes. Husband gave her one set last week. Then he emailed her the last part which she apparently did not get. He tried to call her on Friday but she was in court, and of course yesterday was Memorial Day. Argh! I'm feeling antsy because 1) our surrogate has now completed the three-cycle requirement by the clinic and 2) there has been quite a lot of success for some of my fellow Intended Parents lately, and that makes me want to start cycling NOW.

I'm also antsy because I had been looking forward to Memorial Day for so long, and now that it has passed, I don't have anything to look forward to except for cycling, and since I don't know when that will be, I'm frustrated. However, we finally decided to take control of our situation and are going to plan a beach trip for after my summer school class ends (if it isn't cancelled, another source of uncertainty). I felt like everything would resolve around our unknown cycling schedule, but at this point I doubt we will be cycling until late July at the earliest and also at this point, what's another week? I feel good about this decision. Hopefully all the hotels won't be booked for July.

My pg friend A, the one who is pretty much living out my high school fantasy by marrying my high school guy, mentioned the word "shower" to me over the weekend. Every time I hear from her, it unsettles me. I finally replied today, telling her that I would try to come, but that showers are hard for me. I also laid out the hard time I am having with her pregnancy and its suddenness. In nicer terms of course. She lives out of state, and we don't talk as frequently as I do with my geographically closer friends, so I don't think she's as aware of what dealing with IF has been like for me. I'm still having trouble comprehending that she's married to my high school guy and pregnant by him when 6 months ago she was lamenting her broken engagement to her ex-fiance. But I'll get over it eventually. It's just a doubly or triply weird situation for me with a lot of baggage.

Jubilation

2008-05-14T08:47:00.002-04:00

After almost pulling my hair out in frustration, the lawyer sent us the draft of OUR contract yesterday at 6pm!!! I brought it to work with me today so I can get started on corrections/edits. Hopefully this part will proceed quickly.

FINALLY!!!!!!! I feel like we have taken a tiny step forward.

I planted flowers over the weekend, and my flower bed looks so nice! I'll post pictures as soon as they grow a bit. My next task is to change out the flowers in my containers on my porch. My mother loved her flowers and card, so the guilt has ebbed for now.

May Flowers

2008-05-09T16:06:00.003-04:00

As I count down the minutes left in my work week (I'm blowing out of here at 4:30!), the view from my desk is made infinitely lovelier by the flowers on the chair in front of me. Now that spring semester is over, I can turn my attention to my flower garden, I am giddy with the possibilities. I work very close to our local farmer's market and today I bought some gorgeous flowers: 2 types of marigolds, 3 impatiens, and 1 petunia. Husband and the kitties are buying me more flowers for my garden this weekend. I am so excited! I have a lot of warm colors so far, so I need to get a few cool blues/violets for contrast. I also need to replace my weedy-looking pansies with some vinca. I LOVE this time of year! I need to be careful not to overdo it, though, since I don't want to spend the entire weekend gardening. Today's purchases are a good start.

My roses are starting to bloom too. Roses are my favorite flower. That may be a tad bit boring and unoriginal, but to me, roses are the most beautiful, perfect flowers. We have 6 bushes: 2 Black Magic, 2 JFK, 1 purple tiger and 1 gemini (red, white, and burgundy/violet). We plan to buy a yellow-orange bush as well. Throughout our years of IF, sometimes my house has felt like a prison and sometimes it has felt like a sanctuary. Right now it feels like a sanctuary. It's my safe haven.

Mother's Day. I'm sure many if not all of us are preparing for Sunday with a bit of trepidation if not outright dread. It certainly is not my favorite holiday. This year, instead of dwelling on my own situation, I've been dwelling on my relationship with my mother. She lives 2.5 hours away. I love her, but we have pretty different personalities, and she can cause me a great deal of pain with her comments. Right now she is extremely supportive, but there is an emotional distance as well. I'm extremely private about my life and feelings with her. I don't trust her with those things. I'm not sure if I'm making much sense. It's a complicated relationship. Anyway, as Mother's Day has approached, my guilt level has increased exponentially. A good daughter would be with her mother on Mother's Day. A good daughter would have made plans weeks ago. A good daughter would call her mother more. So I sent a last-minute email seeing if she wanted to get together on Sunday (she doesn't - we're going to get together the Sunday following), and I paid a ridiculous amount to have flowers sent to her tomorrow. I hope they arrive on time. And I'll call her on Sunday. I'm just so confused about what I *should* do...what I think a good daughter would do and what I am capable of doing.

Hey...two minutes to go. Better log off. I hope everyone has a good weekend and makes it through Sunday.

Off to a Good Start

2008-05-06T09:46:00.003-04:00

May is already going better than April though I hesitated to write that in case I jinxed it. I heard from F, our surro, yesterday, and she had the lump removed and biopsied, and it was a limpoma (fatty tissue) after all. Whew! Yay! One hurdle cleared.

Unfortunately, we did not receive the contract last week. Husband called the attorney and the attorney's paralegal said that they were under the impression that time wasn't of the essence since we couldn't do anything until June?!?! Okkkkk. We could begin testing! So they hope to have something to us this week.

My best friend had her baby on Sunday after a normal labor. Husband and I went to see her yesterday, and the baby is adorable. I was worried I wouldn't be able to handle it, but I was. I sure hope that this time next year our roles are reversed. I've been keeping J, my other friend, apprised of the situation, and I bet she's probably noting all the things I've done for K (going to her shower, visiting her in the hospital) that I didn't do for her. I know I would be. I want to say something to reiterate that I am in a different place now than I was when she was pg, but I don't know if that's a good idea or if I should just leave it alone.

Oh, my projects are turned in, and I am reveling in free time!

I'm a Winner!

2008-05-01T11:14:00.004-04:00

I won!!! I won, I won, I won!!! There were 15 people in my category, and I was one of three winners for it. I was shocked but very pleased. The conference was pretty good, but I was happy to return home last night, and I'm not too sad about being at work :-) Now the only things between me and the weekend are my final projects: one is due today and the other is due tomorrow. I need to proof the one for today and send it off, but I have a bit more work to do on the other. I tried really, really hard, but I couldn't get it all done in Florida. Oh well! I'm at the point where I just want to turn something in and be done with it.

We're supposed to receive the draft of our contract this week, so hopefully it will come today or tomorrow. I heard from our surro, and cycle 2 started on time, so that means we will fulfill the clinic's three-cycle requirement by mid-May. Finally something seems to be going right! She hasn't mentioned anything else about the lump, so I'm assuming everything is ok. She hasn't been able to get online much.

I haven't been able to keep up with everyone's blog lately. Give me a few more days, and life will be back to normal. Free time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Greetings from Florida!

2008-04-28T20:58:00.002-04:00

Just a quick post to let you all know that I haven't curled up into a little ball as I wait for April to end :)

I'm in Florida this week for a work conference. My coworker and I arrived on Saturday after two very-delayed flights. The conference is ok (the food is GREAT!), but it's a little lonely b/c while there are many from my organization here, only one or two of them are close coworkers. I'm also not used to being away from home and wine costs around $9/glass! But, again, I'm in Florida, and some of the sessions are good.

I'm a little nervous because tomorrow morning is the awards ceremony, and I am my organization's nominee for Unsung Hero of the Year. It's silly, but I know I'm unlikely to win, and that embarrasses me. I have to sit at a special table, and I hate being under a spotlight like that, which is actually odd since I happily and enthusiastically did theater in high school and college. I know my organization won't care if I don't win, but I'm afraid this is the only thing I'll ever be nominated for by them...my one chance so-to-speak. Oh well. It will all be over by 10 am. So think of me between 9:30 and 10:00.

And on top of everything else, I can't even relax fully because my final projects of the semester are due on Friday and try as I might, I could not get them finished up before the conference. So I've been spending all my spare time doing homework. Which I should be doing now...

Have a good week!

What Fresh Hell is This?

2008-04-22T08:23:00.003-04:00

I appreciate all of your commiseration on the cholesterol issue. I'm going to try to worry about it less; it's not like I don't have a billion other things to worry about! I've convinced myself that it's possible it's a side effect of the Effexor I am taking (according to Google), and I've added fish oil and almonds to my diet, and I'll worry about it more once things are a bit more settled. That's all I can do for now.

April has truly been a very, very odd, weird, rough month and just keeps getting odder and rougher. If I believed in karma, I would think that I need to have mine cleansed.

First of all, Authentic Happiness. I attended a session on authentic happiness at our organizational development meeting on Friday, and it was a mistake. I disagreed with the facilitator's definition of happiness (a life well-lived, a life of virtue), and he rubbed me the wrong way by telling us being happy is preferable to being depressed because people don't want to be around unhappy, depressed people (don't I know it). Talk about blaming the victim! So it's my fault no one wants to be around me? No wonder my support system is lacking. Gee, let me just put on a happy face. He struck a nerve b/c that is something that has bothered me for a long time. Of course I want to be happy! But I believe happiness is a very personal thing and will differ from person to person. I also rebel against the idea that the goal is to be shiny, happy people. Bad things happen! Life isn't pretty. I'm not sure how I can overcome it to be happy right now. Not happy as he defines it. And I'm tired of people expecting us to hide any less-than-happy feelings. I believe that invalidates our situation and how we feel. Ugh.

Secondly, I arrived home to find a thick envelope like what an invitation would come in. I noticed the Georgia return address and felt a bit shaky. In November 2007, I wrote this about my best friend and her new boyfriend:

I received a bit of a shock from one of my friends yesterday. She wanted my
blessing to date a guy with whom I have some history. The three of us were very
close friends in high school, and while he and I didn't date, we have...history.
It sort of didn't end well. The two of them have remained friends, and they
recently decided to try dating, and she wanted to make sure it was ok with me. I
was floored. I never, ever expected the two of them would get together. It
doesn't really bother me, but it is weird. I believe that he has always wanted
to be with her, which sort of disconcerts me because I wonder if he ever cared
for me at all. And suddenly I'm back in high school, feeling second best to
everyone and in everything. It's odd how things work because I had already
realized that our infertility reminded me of how I felt in high school: left
out, not fitting in, weird, hoping and waiting to be in a place where I
belonged. And now my friend is dating a guy who was a big part of my high school
years. Wow. Life is strange.

I opened the envelope, expecting an invitation to their wedding. It turns out it was an announcement of their MARRIAGE. In FEBRUARY of 2008. WTF? You mean they've been married for two months and I'm only now hearing about it? How did I go from being a bridesmaid when she was engaged before to not even rating an email or phone call? I was shocked. And they've only been dating for a few months! Why the quick wedding? Ahhh, I bet she's pregnant. But my friend is rather outspoken and would have told me. What is going on? I still couldn't get past the 2 month delay in notification.

I emailed her and finally heard back from her yesterday: yep, she's pregnant. I'm assuming that's the reason for the wedding. She's also been really sick with a kidney infection, hospitalization, adverse effects to medication, etc., which is what delayed notification. I'm still stunned. Of all the people in my life, she was the last one I expected this announcement from. The history of the three of us made the situation awkward already, but add in her pregnancy, and I feel like someone slapped me. In November, I was able to find a rare empathy with her as we commiserated over feeling left out and not where you thought your life would be (her: broken engagement; me: infertility). And now only a few months later, she's got it all. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all this. He lives in NC, and she will be moving to join him in July, and his house is kind of near my mother's house in my hometown. This just keeps getting better and better.

And to make a great day even better, I had an email from our surro telling me that she found a lump in her breast. She went to the doctor immediately, and he thinks it is a fatty deposit common after childbirth, but she needs to have it aspirated and biopsied. She doesn't think it will impact our surrogacy plans. OMG! Of course her health is paramount, but what is going on? What's next?

But you're good people!

2008-04-17T09:45:00.004-04:00

I did make it to the shower last Saturday, and it went as well as could be expected. My friend looks like she swallowed a basketball: she's all belly, damn her! So tiny otherwise. There were a few hard moments, but I got through them, and my friend would check on me every so often to make sure I was ok. She told me that she really appreciated that I was there. It's funny because it's not the gifts or the belly that bothered me; it's the overall sense of happiness and expectation as well as off-hand remarks. For example, my friend mentioned that she and her husband had noticed that pregnant women were everywhere on tv and they thought that was so funny. Well, I've noticed that too, and it's not very funny to me. And other little comments about how she's going to breast feed for as long as possible, remembering what it was like to get the "pregnant" on the digital, how she smiles when she passes the drug store where she bought her HPTs and how excited her husband is. Those comments were kicks in the gut. I know we've all been there.

Later on that evening, Husband went out with her husband and practically got into an argument over how surrogacy is definitely going to work for us and how we just need to remain positive, which brings me to the title of my post. I'm so tired of people telling us that surrogacy will work because we're good people. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. God knows I wish it did, though then I would be anxious about whether we would truly qualify as "good people." There are people I can think of who deserve that epithet more. What infertility has taught me is that life is not fair. Good behavior and acts do not equal being rewarded in kind with a good life. Karma never plays out like you wish it would. It's just a big crapshoot. Infertility has happened to us not because we're strong enough to handle it or because we are bad or less deserving or because it's part of some big grand lesson; it has happened just because it did. It's just the way the cookie crumbled. So believing that, it is incredibly irritating and frustrating to have friends and family think in such simple, black and white terms. There's absolutely, positively no guarantee that surrogacy will work, and that's just how it is. We're taking a gamble based on calculated risks and have determined that the odds of success are worth a try. Nothing more. And then how infuriating to have the befuddled friend, who has just had his belief system threatened by hearing that our status as "good" people has absolutely NO bearing on the outcome of this situation, preach to my husband how we need to remain positive. Fuck you! YOU have NO idea. And the funny thing is that my husband is the one who has the positive attitude. I'm the one who believes nothing will work. Ugh.

And then I vented about this to a slightly IF friend who has found success, J, and she told me that people mean well and are trying to help but don't know what to say. I appreciate the reminder since I tend to believe the worst of people lately, but I sort of felt like she was chastising me. Sort of like, "Geez, what more do you want from us? We're trying to figure out what to say to you and how to handle this situation and it's not good enough for you? How selfish!" Yeah, because it's about everyone else's feelings. Humph. Grumble, grumble, grumble.

New topic: I think I've mentioned before how I've always felt uncomfortable in my body like it wasn't meant to be mind. I'm clumsy, I don't move in it well, etc. Well, now I think the feeling is mutual and my body is rejecting ME. I got the results of my physical back yesterday, and my bad cholesterol and total cholesterol are slightly elevated (by about 14 points), freaking me out. They were normal last year. Ok, I eat honeydew melon and 1 piece of low-cal, high fiber whole wheat toast for breakfast. I eat carrots for a snack. I have a spinach salad with a little turkey and egg white with red wine vinegar and pears for lunch EVERY DAY. I work out on my treadmill for at least 30 minutes at least 3 times a week. I eat brown rice instead of white, whole wheat pasta instead of normal. Yeah, I'm not perfect: I have steak and a hamburger every two weeks or so and pork chops once a week. I like roasted new potatoes. I like pizza. But I try to watch what I eat.

So I guess my point is that I just feel like shaking my fist at my body or the sky and screaming, "What more do you want from me? Must I give up anything that tastes good and eat only raw broccoli?" And if my cholesterol is elevated at 30, what's it going to be like in 20 years? I feel like I've had my fun and now I will have to buckle down and become a vegetarian :-( I know I'm being melodramatic, but I have been the picture of health all my life, and once I turned 30, I swear I started falling apart! I do have to confess that I did disobey instructions and added a little cream to my coffee before the bloodtest (you are supposed to fast after midnight and have only black coffee, water or tea), so I wonder (hope?) if that skewed the results. I've also read that my antidepressant may cause high LDL, so maybe it's involved as well. Probably wishful thinking.

April is the cruelest month

2008-04-10T08:19:00.004-04:00

Thanks to JJ and her post on what would have been her due date for inspiring my post. One year ago this week I started stimming for my first IVF cycle. I was nervous and excited to finally do something that had a chance at working since all of my other cycles had been pointless. I don't think I expected IVF to work because that's just not my personality, but for the first time I had hope that maybe, just maybe it might. It could. It was the best shot we had so far.

I started stimming on April 7. Egg retrieval was April 18. 10 eggs retrieved of which 8 were usable. 7 of the 8 fertilized with ICSI. We transferred two 8-celled embryos on April 21 and were delighted that we had three embryos to freeze. The other two quietly expired. April 28 I started spotting at 7dp3dt and knew it was over because I always spotted around 10dpo until AF would come. The spotting continued all weekend and became a little heavier. Beta on May 2 was negative as I knew it would be though my progesterone was a decent 39. We had put the picture of our embryos on the refrigerator, and I loved to look at them, hoping one or two were settling in, but the picture became unbearable after the cycle failed. Husband quietly put the picture away in a safe place.

Sometimes it seems silly to remember all of these milestones because when you've been in the IF trenches long enough, every month is significant for some reason. Oh...April also happened to be the month I started my first Clomid cycle in 2006 after convincing my OB that my cycle wasn't going to regulate. That cycle was anovulatory which was as devastating in its own way in 2006 when I had no inkling of the true nature of our problems as the failed IVF was in 2007 when I knew IVF was our best and really only option. So, yeah, April hasn't been a good month for us. I like remembering the milestones, though. They are almost like merit badges I have earned if there were such a thing as an IF Girl Scout.

Thinking back to last year is doubly painful because at least last April we were doing something, and I feel like we are spinning our wheels right now. And if that IVF had worked, maybe I wouldn't be spinning my wheels right now waiting to get started with surrogacy; I'd have a 3-4 month old baby and have just returned to work from maternity leave. We might be considering ripping up the nasty carpet in our bedroom and the guest room or getting new couches because all of our money wouldn't be going to save for surrogacy. And I wouldn't be dreading attending my best friend's baby shower for her easily-conceived, first-month-of-trying baby girl this weekend.

Yeah, April is cruel.

Rough Week/Weekend/Month

2008-04-07T08:39:00.002-04:00

It's been a rough several days. We brought our kitty home from the vet on Tuesday and things seemed to be going well, but then on Friday she stopped eating and started throwing up again. By Saturday afternoon she was throwing up every hour. Since there was nothing in her stomach, it was clear. Husband rushed her to the emergency vet, and I met him there after a very helpful therapy session. We waited and waited and waited, and my poor little girl was shivering in my arms. Finally a doctor was able to see her, gave her fluids and an anti-nausea/vomiting shot and said we could take her home. We had been told the next step would be an endoscopy, so we were happy when the doctor agreed to send us home with lots of medicine.

So far, she's doing well. She's eating and hasn't thrown up. She HATES the medicine, though, and we have to give her three types several times a day, so that's fun. But so far, so good. Keep your fingers crossed that things continue to go well.

But yeah, it's been rough. Last week was a horribly stressful week at work with several deadlines and I had a major school presentation with worry about my kitty underlying everything. Husband and I wanted nothing more than relaxing weekend and instead I feel like I barely got any rest. We didn't even have the energy to watch the premiere of Battlestar Galactica. I'm just so tired. It's more than a physical fatigue...it's like an emotional fatigue.

Unfortunately, we've gotten almost nothing done contract-wise. Hopefully we can tonight. My best friend's baby shower is this Saturday, so I'm preparing myself for that. We never got around to ordering her gift, so one of us is going to have to make the journey to Babies R Us to pick it up since shipping would cost about $50 at this poing.

There's been a lot of good news lately for those I know in real life as well as in the blogosphere. I'm happy for them, but...well, I'm just ready for some good news to come my way. Let me clarify that because good things have been happening in other areas. I'm ready for some good family news to come my way.

The Curious Lives of Surrogates Revisited

2008-03-31T19:51:00.003-04:00

I read the Newsweek cover story on surrogates this morning, and it wasn't bad at all. They handled it with care, and I appreciated it (I was even able to overlook their usage of "implant" instead of "transfer"). I was happy and somewhat amused to see that they addressed surrogacy in the media (Tina Fey's new movie). The story could have been a lot worse, and I sent it to everyone I know who knows about our plans. The story prompted quite a bit of commentary from my friends and family, and I hope it educated them as well. My coworker stuck her foot in her mouth by gushing to me a bit about the preview for Tina Fey's movie before she read the article. I gently replied that we try to avoid shows and movies with the surrogacy or IF topic b/c frankly, it's just not that funny to us. After she read the article, she emailed me back that she was a moron. I told her not to worry about it. After all, she doesn't have to think about this stuff like I do.

Let's see. I called the clinic today to see if we could start the required testing before the three-cycle requirement was up. I honestly can't remember if the requirement is before we cycle or before we are able to test, so I might as well check. I swear, I'm such a rule follower sometimes. It may very well be that we can start testing sooner. No answer yet b/c the person in the know is out until Thursday. However, I did discover that the signed contract IS required before we start testing. That's good to know. Husband and I received a sample contract from our attorney last week with questionable sections highlighted. Hopefully we can get it back to the attorney soon.

School-wise, I am making progress. I was able to annotate about 18 resources for my annotated bibliography final project. My plan is to annotate 2-3 items each night and finish up the project soon. That way I can focus exclusively on the final project for my other class. I'm teaching the first half of class on Thursday (each of us lead an 1.5 hour session on the topic of our choice; mine is technology in libraries), and I'm a bit nervous about it. I'm sure it will go well, but I feel like I haven't had the chance to focus on it like I should. However, the task is to LEAD the class, not present, so that makes me feel better. Regardless, I'll feel better about 2:00 on Thursday when my part is over :-)

Work is going to be busy this week too. I've been pulled off my normal web tasks to work on 2 market reasearch topics. It's fun work but very time consuming.

What's really on our mind right now is that one of our kitties is sick. She is at the vet right now with a cone around her head and an IV in her paw. She won't eat :-( She has a heart murmur, and they are going to sedate her tomorrow so they can examine her murmur, and there is a chance--small but a chance nonetheless--that she won't wake up. I LOVE her. She is my baby girl and my princess. Please keep her in your thoughts. She's only 9 years old, and I will be devastated if something happens to her.

Forgive my rambling...I am under the influence of a glass of wine and no dinner yet!

In the news

2008-03-31T08:37:00.003-04:00

Gee, it seems like surrogacy is everywhere these days, doesn't it? I have a Google Alert set up for surrogacy, and when I skimmed yesterday's, I hoped that the links to a Newsweek story were wrong. Alas, no. And it's the cover story:

The Curious Lives of Surrogates

I haven't read it yet, so I'll be back to comment on it later.

Happy Monday!

Out of Sorts

2008-03-26T08:31:00.003-04:00

This has been a frustrating week. People at work have been stupid and most of my time has been spent putting fires out instead of making progress with projects. Or it might be more accurate to say that mini-projects keep appearing from nowhere and jump to the top of the list. And it seems like March is DRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGING. I think it's because my mind is already focused on April and May, and it's a surprise when I look at the calendar and realize that it is still March. I felt the same way in February last year after we booked our IVF cycle. Poor, short little February suddenly became the longest month ever because all I wanted to do was get to March which was filled with doctors appointments, bloodwork, med ordering, etc. In other words, progress.

I've been trying to take things one day at a time and have been doing pretty well. I understood and accepted that that there were impediments to our cycling with our surrogate immediately: gave birth in early December, lactating until mid-February, need cycles to resume and then have 3 cycles, etc. Nothing I could do to speed things up. But this week I just want to bang my head against the wall. We hadn't heard anything from the attorney on the contract, which sort of surprised me since I thought that she was going to send us some questions or info soon after our meeting. And even better, I received an email yesterday from our surro telling me that the one day of bleeding/spotting she had two weeks ago was NOT cycle 1, and that AF arrived for real on Sunday, pushing out our the potential start date by 2 weeks. I know 2 weeks isn't that big of a deal, but I am so tired of waiting. I feel like I have been twiddling my thumbs since September, and I want to get started. I want to cycle again. I'm ready to get back in the game. Argh. I think all this has really gotten to me this week because we are SO close to being able to start our testing and then cycling.

I'm feeling better today, though. Husband called the attorney yesterday, and she thought her assistant had emailed us already, so she was going to check on that and email us. Yay! Even better, Husband sensed how stressed and tense I was last night, and we got rather tipsy. It felt very decadent getting tipsy on a Tuesday night, but hey, we can. We might as well enjoy that perk of the child-free life while we can :) I do have a slight hangover today I'm embarrassed to admit. 30 years old and slightly hungover. Oh yeah, that's something to brag about! I feel calmer and more serene. I can only affect what's in my control and very little of this situation is. I'll repeat the Serenity prayer over and over and over until I believe it.

Oh, Husband and I have a new love: Apple's iPhone. He has been wanting one for a couple of months, and we checked them out at the Apple store last Friday. And now I'm in love too. It surprises me b/c I am a very low-tech cell phone user. I call no one but Husband. I don't text. I don't even know how to check my voicemail. But I want that iPhone. I had been skeptical of its claims ever since it came out, but no more. I'm just so surprised by this Apple love I'm having lately. Sure, I love my iPod. What's not to love? But an iPhone? I didn't feel cool enough for it. But now I don't care. We're going to wait until the next model comes out later this year and get them then.

Me, Grungy?

2008-03-19T09:38:00.004-04:00

Kate and Kymberli are correct: I am indeed a child of the 90s. I graduated from high school in 1995 and was a grunge-loving teenager. I didn't wear flannel, though. I liked to dress up and seldom wore jeans. My favorite shoes were my clunky patent-leather Mary Janes :)

I like music, but I don't love music if that makes sense. I have fairly pedestrian tastes; it's actually kind of embarrassing. I'm not a big fan of concerts either...too many people, too expensive. There are only a few bands I would leave my house for. I did attend a Hole concert in high school and procured a "doll part" as a souvenir. I never went to Lollapalooza or OzFest. I felt alternative and weird in high school, but I had friends who exemplified that movement much more than I did and was proud when one of them was voted student body president. Imagine my disappointment and dismay when I discovered that they were assholes just as much as the old-guard preppy, popular types had been. The flannel and Birks were just a costume.

But I digress. Someone, please tell the trees to stop fornicating. Allergies are killing me!

Is there a shift in the wind? My friend J with whom I've been struggling for the last year over her successful transition to motherhood after 50 mg of Clomid has emailed me TWICE in the last week. That means that since July 2007, she has initiated contact three times. I have been the one to initiate all contact, something which has pissed me off for months. Are things changing? Is our presence at her child's 1st birthday party paying dividends at last? Too early to tell.

PG friend K has invited me to two of her baby showers. She said that right things about hoping I can attend one or both but would understand if I couldn't. I'm going to try to attend at least one. But I'm going to buy her gift online. I'm not going anywhere near Babies R Us.

Monday Blahs

2008-03-17T10:23:00.005-04:00

I really hate Mondays. I'm sure that's a universal sentiment. It's especially bad right now because I'm in the thick of my grad school semester, so weekends are spent trying to do that work (because I can't get my ass in gear during the week), so they seem very short, too short. Plus, my next holiday isn't until Memorial Day. Sure, I have vacation, but I'm a hoarder and I'm trying to save it as long as possible and I just took a day two weeks ago when my mother and stepfather came to visit. But I really, really want another day. Sigh.

Anyway, long story short, all of the above is combining to make me have a pretty bad case of the Mondays. On days like this, I listen to the dark, moody songs on my iPod which also have been what I listen to when I'm feeling really blue about IF. Here are a few heavily-played songs:

Fade to Black (Metallica)
One (Metallica)
Ridiculous Thoughts (The Cranberries)
Blow Up the Outside World (Soundgarden)
Hate Me (Blue October)
Yellow (Coldplay)
High and Dry (Radiohead)
Karma Police (Radiohead)
Let it Be (The Beatles)
Patience (Guns N Roses)
Sour Times (Portishead)
Sweet Dreams (are Made of This) (Marilyn Manson version)
Violet (Hole)

Quite a depressing list. But I like it. I think that it's healthy to acknowledge and wallow (briefly) in those feelings as an antidote to the relentless commands from clueless people to think positively or be positive. By nature I am not an optimist (I prefer realist), so these songs are my catharsis.

I'm in an interesting place right now. We have a surrogate. We are working on the contract. Things are progressing. I might cycle as soon as June. And EVERYONE is so freaking excited. Sometimes I get excited too. But then I remind myself that as usual, there is no guarantee that surrogacy will be our answer. As with IVF, surrogacy works for some and not for others. In some ways preparing for surrogacy isn't any different than the preparations I went through this time last year to prepare for my own IVF cycle. The only difference is that our surrogate has an intact uterus and 4 pregnancies under her belt. Which is a BIG difference! But still it's very similar yet so very different. Husband and I have noted that we are going to have to manage expectations from our friends and family. And maybe even our own expectations.

I feel like I'm giving everyone the impression that I'm OK. That I'm FINE. That I'm OVER all this IF stuff and have found a path that will work for us. But I'm not. I'm truly in a better place than I was last year, and I am looking forward to cycling with our surrogate. Who knows? Maybe it will work! But at the same time, I'm not that ok. Not much has changed in our situation other than our attitude (which is huge). We're still babyless and might still be babyless after we cycle. This new treatment direction doesn't really change anything about our situation.

Mondays. Blech. So what's on your dark/sad/moody/IF playlist?

First Official Step

2008-03-14T08:18:00.002-04:00

It's official...we have an attorney on retainer and the contract underway! We met with an attorney with experience drafting surrogacy contracts yesterday and went over our GC's requests and ours and various parts of a contract. It went really well. We hope she can have the contract complete by the end of the month and then we both can sign it have it notarized!

It's a weird feeling having an attorney on retainer. It feels sort of cool to be able to say, "OUR attorney says..." or "OUR lawyer says..." LOL. Thankfully she is retained for a fairly benign matter and not some criminal issue :-)

Our GC is a little confused about what she thinks was her first post-partum cycle. She said it lasted for only one day, but she's still crampy. Since I don't have children and have no experience with post-partum cycles, I don't know if that is in the realm of normal or not. She does have three children, so I'm assuming based on her confusion that her post-partum cycles with them were more normal or at least longer. I'm trying not to worry. We won't know if it was a cycle until she either has a more real cycle or if her April cycle begins when she expects.

We also have the lovely task of figuring out who gets our child(ren) if both Husband and I die during our surrogacy journey. THAT will be fun. Right now we are leaning towards Husband's mother because we trust her to do the right thing and make sure that the other grandparents see the grandchild(ren). I'm not sure if I trust my mother to do that. Sad, but true.

Cycle 1

2008-03-06T08:56:00.002-05:00

I received a very welcome email from our surrogate last night: she has officially started her first cycle since last March (when she became pg with a surro baby). YES! Her cycles resuming is such a big step forward. It looks like cycle 3 will be in early May, so hopefully the clinic can accomplish all her testing in May and start synching us for cycling. I'm on BCPs already, so hopefully that's one less step. Based on her cycle, it appears that the earliest transfer could be would be late June. We have an appointment with an attorney next Thursday to start drafting the contract. It is a little weird that someone's cycle could make me so happy, but in this case, it's a good thing.

Humph

2008-03-03T09:19:00.005-05:00

Despite good things happening, I have felt really irritated lately. I think a lot of it is due to being worn out and not feeling good. I've had a lot of sinus headaches the last several days. I just haven't felt 100%. Plus, I'm halfway through my semester, and all the work is starting to catch up to me. I'm taking this Friday off, and I hope that helps me get some rest.

I've been rather irritated at my friends. I found out that K, the pg friend due in May, had not told her husband that we were doing surrogacy or anything about our progress. This came from K's husband himself. Gratifyingly, he was annoyed with her for keeping it from him, and I was stunned. It has been about 6 months since we decided to do surrogacy and that includes two meetings with the surrogate and a clinic meeting. K knew all this. I can't believe she didn't tell him. I think I have mentioned that she is a little flaky, and being pg has definitely exacerbated that tendency, but come on! Part of me wonders whether her not telling him anything about it indicates that how little our lives matter to her. K and her husband apparently don't communicate. This not the first time we've heard him complain about something she hasn't passed along. Our other friends seem to have that problem as well. It baffles us, though. I tell Husband EVERYTHING. We talk a lot. Are we so rare? I can't imagine living with someone and not talking to them. It's like leading separate lives.

So it seems like surrogacy is the latest hot topic in the entertainment industry. I'm dreading that new show (The Return of Jezebel James or something like that) with Parker Posey in which she asks her sister to be her surrogate. And then there's that Tina Fey movie about surrogacy that's coming out this spring. I just can't bring myself to watch them. I'm sure they'll get everything wrong, and I dread friends and family watching them and thinking that's what surrogacy is like. I'm already having to correct people that no, surrogacy is NOT my surrogate's JOB.

Oh. Something weird. (TMI ahead) I posted back in December that I thought my endometrioma had ruptured after I woke up with horrible pain one night. I spotted a lot the next few cycles on continuous BCPs. I had a withdrawal bleed last week and then I realized that I wasn't spotting after it ended. You don't understand...I have spotted more than not during the last year. Spotting has become my normal. But here it is cd12 and no spotting. Does that prove that it was the endometrioma all along that caused my spotting? And what does that mean for my failed IVF cycle last year? Should the RE have drained the endometrioma during egg retrieval? I remember how devastated I was when I started to spot at 7dp3dt (I spotted for about 4 days before AF every cycle). We all know how hindsight is, but now I'm wondering about that cycle and whether the outcome would have been different if that endometrioma had been drained. Probably not, but I'll never know for sure.