This year I have finally achieved outdoor Christmas lights. We bought two deer from Lowe's, a set of lighted presents from Michael's, and I put colored lights on several bushes in front of our house. Husband got everything hooked up yesterday, and it looks great! We wanted to put up icicle lights on our roof, but I don't know if we're going to get to that. And I have yet to drag the Christmas tree downstairs, so all of our decorating has focused on the outside. That's ok. I felt like if we didn't get the outside stuff up over the weekend, we never would. And I finally started listening to my Christmas playlist on my iPod.
I think I've posted before about how this Christmas feels different from last Christmas. Last Christmas was miserable. I broke down in the mall parking lot while we were shopping because everyone around me was so happy (or seemed that way anyway), and they had families and we didn't and what was the point and when would the nightmare end. I'm sure all of us going through IF have had those moments. All I wanted was for the holiday to be over.
This year, I'm ok. I'm decorating the house. I'm thinking about Christmas cards. I'm listening to Christmas music. I'm allowing myself to feel excited. Around Halloween I posted about how I felt like such a fraud or as if I weren't allowed to enjoy the holiday because it was for children, and I don't have any. Last year I felt the same way about Christmas. This year, however, I want to take Christmas back. I have as much right as anyone else to enjoy this holiday. I'm enjoying making fun plans with Husband so that we enjoy the holiday. We're going to Biltmore next weekend. I'm enjoying my damn lighted deer in my front yard. And that's ok. That's allowed. I'm not quite 100% though. I love to entertain, but I'm not quite ready to throw a party where all my friends who are pg or have children attend, but that's ok too. Husband and I are doing the best we can. I've started telling myself that one day, it will be different. There will be children around. Some way, some how. Maybe surrogacy will work. Or we'll move on to adoption. So for now, I'm going to enjoy Christmas with my husband.
I told my father last night that we had decided to pursue surrogacy. He quickly replied that it was ok with him. People's reactions can be funny. When we've told family, they always quickly reply that it doesn't matter to them if someone else carries our baby or they don't find it weird or that it's ok with them. Their reactions lead me to believe that they do in fact think it's a little weird. That's ok. I think it's a little weird too, but we're going to do it. Surrogacy feels right to us, and we've never let our families' opinions influence us much (to their irritation). So thank you, family, for at least attempting to respond positively no matter how you might feel privately.
Monday, December 3, 2007
School is Out and Anniversary Musings
As of 12:15 today, my semester officially ended. Yay! Unfortunately, I'm not quite finished with my final project yet, so I can't celebrate by wallowing in the 61 books I bought at the book sale. I'm close, though, so hopefully I can upload the project tomorrow and be completely done.
On Saturday Husband and I celebrated our 6th anniversary. We went out to eat at a really nice restaurant and gorged ourselves with great food and wine. Oh and dessert. Lots and lots of dessert. 6 years isn't one of those milestone years like 5, 10 or 20, but in some ways I considered it a do-over of last year's anniversary. Last year we had our first appointment with a new clinic on our anniversary. I was excited because I had heard good things about this clinic and at that point had been bleeding off and on for several weeks after my one failed IUI/injectable cycle and welcomed the fresh eyes on my case since my old RE didn't seem overly concerned about the bleeding. Our appointment was good, but it was at that appointment that I learned that I probably had a unicornuate uterus, my right tube didn't look good and was probably damanged by endo, and I had a huge cyst that was likely an endometrioma instead of the hemorrhagic cyst the previous RE diagnosed it as. Oh, and Husband's motility was low. Verdict: straight to IVF with ICSI.
In my heart, I suspected that I had a lot wrong reproductively and while it was nice to have my suspicions confirmed, it was a lot to take in all at once. And in IF, no one wants to have their worst fears confirmed no matter how vindicated they feel. Husband and I went home after the appointment and got ready for dinner. I can't believe I didn't cry, but I didn't. I think I was in shock and still trying to process everything. We had a good time, but needless to say, the probable diagnosis and need to move straight to IVF and its accompanying financial implications were on our minds.
So I feel like we were both in a different place this year on our anniversary and that we could enjoy it wholeheartedly. I love DH so much. We've had our ups and downs this year, but we have come through everything stronger. I know he loves me and is there for me. He has been my rock, and for that I thank him.
On Saturday Husband and I celebrated our 6th anniversary. We went out to eat at a really nice restaurant and gorged ourselves with great food and wine. Oh and dessert. Lots and lots of dessert. 6 years isn't one of those milestone years like 5, 10 or 20, but in some ways I considered it a do-over of last year's anniversary. Last year we had our first appointment with a new clinic on our anniversary. I was excited because I had heard good things about this clinic and at that point had been bleeding off and on for several weeks after my one failed IUI/injectable cycle and welcomed the fresh eyes on my case since my old RE didn't seem overly concerned about the bleeding. Our appointment was good, but it was at that appointment that I learned that I probably had a unicornuate uterus, my right tube didn't look good and was probably damanged by endo, and I had a huge cyst that was likely an endometrioma instead of the hemorrhagic cyst the previous RE diagnosed it as. Oh, and Husband's motility was low. Verdict: straight to IVF with ICSI.
In my heart, I suspected that I had a lot wrong reproductively and while it was nice to have my suspicions confirmed, it was a lot to take in all at once. And in IF, no one wants to have their worst fears confirmed no matter how vindicated they feel. Husband and I went home after the appointment and got ready for dinner. I can't believe I didn't cry, but I didn't. I think I was in shock and still trying to process everything. We had a good time, but needless to say, the probable diagnosis and need to move straight to IVF and its accompanying financial implications were on our minds.
So I feel like we were both in a different place this year on our anniversary and that we could enjoy it wholeheartedly. I love DH so much. We've had our ups and downs this year, but we have come through everything stronger. I know he loves me and is there for me. He has been my rock, and for that I thank him.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Already?
I opened the mailbox last night and found our first Christmas card of the season. Already? It's barely past Thanksgiving! I guess I shouldn't be surprised since lights have been going up in my neighborhood since before Thanksgiving (seriously!) and the stores replaced the Halloween stuff with Christmas stuff as soon as they could. I love Christmas, but I hate how much earlier it seems to start every year. Poor Thanksgiving seems like barely a blip on the radar between Halloween and Christmas. I'm trying to avoid decorating or buying gifts until Dec. 1. But I'm thinking about them a lot.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Busy
This week is crunch week for me due to the end of the semester. I took only one course this semester, but the fall semester always goes by so quickly. Here it is again the end of the semester, and I am as usual scrambling to get it all done. The good thing is that my last class is next Monday. Yay!
We had a good Thanksgiving. We had a pretty good time with our families. My mother gave me a great gift and told me that we could celebrate Christmas the weekend before Christmas. Husband and I usually have to rush back from my mother's on Christmas Day and go straight to his mother's, not getting home to celebrate our own Christmas until late that night. It means so much to us that we are able to spend Christmas Eve together in our house and sleep late on Christmas morning. We're hoping we can go to midnight mass as well.
Nothing new on the surrogate front. Right now we are just waiting for her to give birth! She did send me the information for the lawyer her current IPs used. The lawyer is local to the area, so that's very good to know.
We had a good Thanksgiving. We had a pretty good time with our families. My mother gave me a great gift and told me that we could celebrate Christmas the weekend before Christmas. Husband and I usually have to rush back from my mother's on Christmas Day and go straight to his mother's, not getting home to celebrate our own Christmas until late that night. It means so much to us that we are able to spend Christmas Eve together in our house and sleep late on Christmas morning. We're hoping we can go to midnight mass as well.
Nothing new on the surrogate front. Right now we are just waiting for her to give birth! She did send me the information for the lawyer her current IPs used. The lawyer is local to the area, so that's very good to know.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Bliss
Bliss is 61 books. Last weekend was the county library's annual book sale, and I go every year. It is one of my favorite events, and to me, it kicks off the holiday season since it's usually the weekend before Thanksgiving. I bought 61 books and spent $37. Not bad at all! My arms are sore from hauling the books around, and I could have stayed a lot longer than the three hours I was there. They had a ton of good books this year.
I usually go with my best friend. This year, she is pg and had a childbirth class on Saturday, the day we usually go, so I went with her on Friday night and then returned on Saturday by myself. I was a little resentful of the change in plans b/c I'm usually so tired by Friday, and I have a lot school work to do to finish up the semester. Mainly, though, I think the resentment comes from the fact that she is pg, and I of course am not. I've been doing ok with dealing with her pg, but she can be a little flaky at times, and it's frustrated me that lately she never asks me one thing about what's going on with us. Also, she changed our plans for the book sale several times, and I kept wanting to scream, "I'm only doing this for you!" But I didn't. And I had a good time. And I'm glad we were able to preserve our yearly tradition. She's starting to show, which was a bit jarring, but I handled it.
And we met with the potential surrogate and her husband on Saturday. Busy weekend. It went very well. I love her! She's great. Her husband is great. They are people we could work with. I think working with them on our surrogacy journey is more important than trying to cycle in early spring. I can't believe I said that, but it's true.
I usually go with my best friend. This year, she is pg and had a childbirth class on Saturday, the day we usually go, so I went with her on Friday night and then returned on Saturday by myself. I was a little resentful of the change in plans b/c I'm usually so tired by Friday, and I have a lot school work to do to finish up the semester. Mainly, though, I think the resentment comes from the fact that she is pg, and I of course am not. I've been doing ok with dealing with her pg, but she can be a little flaky at times, and it's frustrated me that lately she never asks me one thing about what's going on with us. Also, she changed our plans for the book sale several times, and I kept wanting to scream, "I'm only doing this for you!" But I didn't. And I had a good time. And I'm glad we were able to preserve our yearly tradition. She's starting to show, which was a bit jarring, but I handled it.
And we met with the potential surrogate and her husband on Saturday. Busy weekend. It went very well. I love her! She's great. Her husband is great. They are people we could work with. I think working with them on our surrogacy journey is more important than trying to cycle in early spring. I can't believe I said that, but it's true.
Monday, November 12, 2007
The Ludicrousness of It All
Husband and I met with a new doctor at a new clinic on Friday to discuss surrogacy. I used to be a gynecological patient with one of the doctors in the clinic, and the gyn office used to be the office where the clinic is now, so it was a little disconcerting to be back for very, very different reasons.
We had to wait a long time to see the doctor, which was a little surprising since the waiting room was empty. The appointment went pretty well I suppose. It was sort of humorous going through our IF history: Oh year, I have half a uterus. And stage 4 endometriosis. And I don't ovulate and probably have PCOS b/c my testosterone is slightly elevated. And I spot all the time. And I have an endometrioma right now. And my right tube no longer functions and was cauterized. No, it doesn't sound very funny, but I guess it struck us as funny or unbelievable that one person could have so much stuff wrong with their reproductive parts. You have to laugh b/c the alternative is crying or jumping off a building.
The doctor agreed that it sounded like we were good candidates for surrogacy and sent a nurse in to talk with us. I was happy to hear that the clinic is doing more and more work with surrogates and estimates their success rates to be comparable with their donor cycle rates: about 70% or higher.
The only bad part of the appointment was that the nurse told us that it is unlikely we could cycle with our potential surrogate until at least June or July because of her pregnancy. The possible surrogate is due in early December and plans to pump breast milk for the Intended Parents for three months. The clinic wants her to be at least three months removed from lactation so her prolactin levels have fallen and cycles have resumed. I had my heart set on starting a cycle in May, but if we use the surrogate with whom we've been talking, they won't be possible. I know it's just a couple of months delay, but I hate waiting. So we may need to look into finding another surrogate. But I really like the one with whom we are talking. However, I have worried about whether cycling with her so soon after her current surro pregnancy was a good idea. Will her body have had enough time to recover? I really don't want to worry about her body still being stressed from pregnancy and that impacting our cycle.
Definitely stuff to ponder. Off to class...Only 3 more classes left this semester after this one!
We had to wait a long time to see the doctor, which was a little surprising since the waiting room was empty. The appointment went pretty well I suppose. It was sort of humorous going through our IF history: Oh year, I have half a uterus. And stage 4 endometriosis. And I don't ovulate and probably have PCOS b/c my testosterone is slightly elevated. And I spot all the time. And I have an endometrioma right now. And my right tube no longer functions and was cauterized. No, it doesn't sound very funny, but I guess it struck us as funny or unbelievable that one person could have so much stuff wrong with their reproductive parts. You have to laugh b/c the alternative is crying or jumping off a building.
The doctor agreed that it sounded like we were good candidates for surrogacy and sent a nurse in to talk with us. I was happy to hear that the clinic is doing more and more work with surrogates and estimates their success rates to be comparable with their donor cycle rates: about 70% or higher.
The only bad part of the appointment was that the nurse told us that it is unlikely we could cycle with our potential surrogate until at least June or July because of her pregnancy. The possible surrogate is due in early December and plans to pump breast milk for the Intended Parents for three months. The clinic wants her to be at least three months removed from lactation so her prolactin levels have fallen and cycles have resumed. I had my heart set on starting a cycle in May, but if we use the surrogate with whom we've been talking, they won't be possible. I know it's just a couple of months delay, but I hate waiting. So we may need to look into finding another surrogate. But I really like the one with whom we are talking. However, I have worried about whether cycling with her so soon after her current surro pregnancy was a good idea. Will her body have had enough time to recover? I really don't want to worry about her body still being stressed from pregnancy and that impacting our cycle.
Definitely stuff to ponder. Off to class...Only 3 more classes left this semester after this one!
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Out of the blue
Now that it's a little cooler here (60 degrees today), the leaves are finally starting to change. I'm so glad we will get to see a little color change. I love seeing the leaves on the ground. I love everything about this time of year. I just wish it didn't go by so quickly.
I joined a new book club at the suggestion of one of my grad school classmates. I think it's going to be a good group, and we are reading some interesting books...not the typical Oprah book club sort of books. Yes, I am a book snob. Well, that's not completely true. I love books. I am a very fast reader, though, so I can't be overly picky about what I read, and I will read almost anything. However, I draw the line at Oprah's books. She just annoys me. I can't deny she has helped literacy with her book club, though, so I suppose she's not 100% bad. Anyway, I had a good time, but somehow, the topic of childbirth came up. It's interesting because only two members of the group had children, so it wasn't a topic I expected to come up. At first, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. At book club! Supposed to be a safe haven! I got through it, though I obviously had nothing to contribute to the conversation. Yesterday the classmate emailed me to make sure I was ok because I've told her about our situation. I was so touched that at her sensitivity and at the same time amazed that someone who is almost a stranger can show more sensitivity than the majority of my friends and family. I guess it is true when they say you can find support where you least expect it.
I received a bit of a shock from one of my friends yesterday. She wanted my blessing to date a guy with whom I have some history. The three of us were very close friends in high school, and while he and I didn't date, we have...history. It sort of didn't end well. The two of them have remained friends, and they recently decided to try dating, and she wanted to make sure it was ok with me. I was floored. I never, ever expected the two of them would get together. It doesn't really bother me, but it is weird. I believe that he has always wanted to be with her, which sort of disconcerts me because I wonder if he ever cared for me at all. And suddenly I'm back in high school, feeling second best to everyone and in everything. It's odd how things work because I had already realized that our infertility reminded me of how I felt in high school: left out, not fitting in, weird, hoping and waiting to be in a place where I belonged. And now my friend is dating a guy who was a big part of my high school years. Wow. Life is strange.
I joined a new book club at the suggestion of one of my grad school classmates. I think it's going to be a good group, and we are reading some interesting books...not the typical Oprah book club sort of books. Yes, I am a book snob. Well, that's not completely true. I love books. I am a very fast reader, though, so I can't be overly picky about what I read, and I will read almost anything. However, I draw the line at Oprah's books. She just annoys me. I can't deny she has helped literacy with her book club, though, so I suppose she's not 100% bad. Anyway, I had a good time, but somehow, the topic of childbirth came up. It's interesting because only two members of the group had children, so it wasn't a topic I expected to come up. At first, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. At book club! Supposed to be a safe haven! I got through it, though I obviously had nothing to contribute to the conversation. Yesterday the classmate emailed me to make sure I was ok because I've told her about our situation. I was so touched that at her sensitivity and at the same time amazed that someone who is almost a stranger can show more sensitivity than the majority of my friends and family. I guess it is true when they say you can find support where you least expect it.
I received a bit of a shock from one of my friends yesterday. She wanted my blessing to date a guy with whom I have some history. The three of us were very close friends in high school, and while he and I didn't date, we have...history. It sort of didn't end well. The two of them have remained friends, and they recently decided to try dating, and she wanted to make sure it was ok with me. I was floored. I never, ever expected the two of them would get together. It doesn't really bother me, but it is weird. I believe that he has always wanted to be with her, which sort of disconcerts me because I wonder if he ever cared for me at all. And suddenly I'm back in high school, feeling second best to everyone and in everything. It's odd how things work because I had already realized that our infertility reminded me of how I felt in high school: left out, not fitting in, weird, hoping and waiting to be in a place where I belonged. And now my friend is dating a guy who was a big part of my high school years. Wow. Life is strange.
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