Absurdistan Part 2

Back from my meeting finally. I still need to finish my morning coffee. Microwaved coffee= yum!

So, I'm not sure what the next step is regarding our surrogacy journey. I think we are going to try to do it without using an agency since agencies usually add an extra layer of expense. We'll see though. I'm not ruling it out if we can't find any matches on our own. I don't know if I should set up a meeting with a different local clinic soon (my own clinic seems reluctant to participate in surrogacy) or if I've got lots of time. Should I go ahead and start advertising? Ack.

I'm scared to death, but at the same time I feel like this is something we need to do. No, must do. Do I think it will work? Maybe, but I'm already thinking about how we might be moving to adoption at the end of 2008. But then again, I'm always a bit of a pessimist.

Change of topic: relationships.

I've been thinking a LOT about my behavior the last two+ years as Husband and I have tried to deal with infertility. I'm trying really hard to think about what I could have done differently to preserve relationships. It's hard because I still believe and always will that Husband and I have done what we needed to do to get by, even if that meant living a hermit-like existence. It's frustrating and sad when I sense that our friends and family attribute our hermitness to being self-centered, self-absorbed, etc. when the reality was that there have been many, many days and probably will be many more days when just getting out of bed and coming to work was all I could do. I've tried to stress to people that IF causes actual psychic pain. Would you rather I see your baby even though it would cause me excruciating pain? Do you think less of me because it causes me excruciating pain? Do you believe that it causes me pain or do you believe that I'm simply jealous?

With one friendship, I'm slowly coming around to accept that I have tried to explain the situation to her. I have apologized profusely. I have told her that this is not how I wanted it to be. I've told her that it's not personal. I've grovelled. And yet, it's not enough. I ask myself if it would have been better to see her baby, get it over with, suck it up. Maybe. Yet I couldn't. But maybe I should have. But I was so raw then. Husband and I were so raw with finding out my definitive (not good) diagnosis, accepting IVF was our best, only real option, dealing with horrific pain from the cystectomy. Now I won't see her baby b/c I don't like having it held over my head as condition for resuming "normal" interaction with them. I don't like how they took everything we have told them about WHY we couldn't see their baby and what we were going through and essentially said, "yes BUT...". I don't like how acknowledging their baby and happiness with a visit is somehow worth more than our pain and problems. Again, if we don't acknowledge the shit we're going through and scream how awful it is, who will?

I am in a much better place than I was a year ago or even a few months ago. Not a hugely better place, but I have made progress. In light of how everyone ignored Husband's birthday, I really am trying to examine our behavior and trying to be a better friend and daughter. I've invited my mother and stepfather to come up for the State Fair. I called her even though last week was one of those weeks where getting myself dressed and to work was the best I could do. I'm not looking for a medal, but I am going to try to be less self-centered.

But I'm concerned b/c I still find myself avoiding pg women, babies and baby-related events. I'm not sure if that's healthy or lazy. At what point does my "suffering" become self-indulgent? Those things are still painful to me.

I do find it amusing that I likely spend more time reflecting on our behavior and attitudes than anyone else we know does. I'm sure J (friend with the baby) is not thinking about us or whether her behavior was unreasonable.