Monday Blahs

I really hate Mondays. I'm sure that's a universal sentiment. It's especially bad right now because I'm in the thick of my grad school semester, so weekends are spent trying to do that work (because I can't get my ass in gear during the week), so they seem very short, too short. Plus, my next holiday isn't until Memorial Day. Sure, I have vacation, but I'm a hoarder and I'm trying to save it as long as possible and I just took a day two weeks ago when my mother and stepfather came to visit. But I really, really want another day. Sigh.

Anyway, long story short, all of the above is combining to make me have a pretty bad case of the Mondays. On days like this, I listen to the dark, moody songs on my iPod which also have been what I listen to when I'm feeling really blue about IF. Here are a few heavily-played songs:

• Fade to Black (Metallica)
• One (Metallica)
• Ridiculous Thoughts (The Cranberries)
• Blow Up the Outside World (Soundgarden)
• Hate Me (Blue October)
• Yellow (Coldplay)
• High and Dry (Radiohead)
• Karma Police (Radiohead)
• Let it Be (The Beatles)
• Patience (Guns N Roses)
• Sour Times (Portishead)
• Sweet Dreams (are Made of This) (Marilyn Manson version)
• Violet (Hole)

Quite a depressing list. But I like it. I think that it's healthy to acknowledge and wallow (briefly) in those feelings as an antidote to the relentless commands from clueless people to think positively or be positive. By nature I am not an optimist (I prefer realist), so these songs are my catharsis.

I'm in an interesting place right now. We have a surrogate. We are working on the contract. Things are progressing. I might cycle as soon as June. And EVERYONE is so freaking excited. Sometimes I get excited too. But then I remind myself that as usual, there is no guarantee that surrogacy will be our answer. As with IVF, surrogacy works for some and not for others. In some ways preparing for surrogacy isn't any different than the preparations I went through this time last year to prepare for my own IVF cycle. The only difference is that our surrogate has an intact uterus and 4 pregnancies under her belt. Which is a BIG difference! But still it's very similar yet so very different. Husband and I have noted that we are going to have to manage expectations from our friends and family. And maybe even our own expectations.

I feel like I'm giving everyone the impression that I'm OK. That I'm FINE. That I'm OVER all this IF stuff and have found a path that will work for us. But I'm not. I'm truly in a better place than I was last year, and I am looking forward to cycling with our surrogate. Who knows? Maybe it will work! But at the same time, I'm not that ok. Not much has changed in our situation other than our attitude (which is huge). We're still babyless and might still be babyless after we cycle. This new treatment direction doesn't really change anything about our situation.

Mondays. Blech. So what's on your dark/sad/moody/IF playlist?