Time Passes

I thought I owed anyone who is still reading this blog a final post. After a few years away due to lack of time, I returned to blogging last year. I thought about reclaiming this space but decided it was too narrow and couldn't grow to encompass everything I want to write about.

You can visit me now at Family Building with a Twist.

I am very grateful for the support and outlet I found here.

Birthdays

This post is a little out of order given everything that's going on, but I did want to commemorate Sweet Pea's first birthday! I made him a cake and we gave him one gift, and it was a special night. He has a ton of other gifts (because I went a bit crazy), and hopefully sometime we can reschedule Daniel's first birthday party.



He is walking and babbling like mad. Such a cutie!

Happy birthday to him and hopefully we'll get to


-- Post From My iPhone

Pain

Tomorrow Husband and I will journey to Richmond to say goodbye to my father. After that, his doctors will remove him from life support, and my stepmother and I will begin to plan his service.

I'm still somewhat in shock. My father went into the hospital on May 25 for open heart surgery to remove a huge aneurysm in his aorta. The surgery went well, but his recovery was slow and complicated. Then, a week ago, he finally started feeling better and was having a good day when the doctors took him for a routine test. During that test he fainted and his heart stopped. It took them 20 minutes to get his heart beating again and it ultimately took manual stimulation.

Amazingly he made it through surgery and that night. And the next few nights. They closed his chest on
Monday and were encouraged. Unfortunately, yesterday they determined there was no brain function and confirmed it today.

Tomorrow we'll be on our way to Richmond.

It just still seems so unreal. The surgery was supposed to be routine and now my father is brain dead. Daniel's first birthday was last week. I has sent pictures of him digging into the cake I made him, a cake made in an heirloom cake pan my farher's grandmother had made MY first cake in. Unfortunately my father wasn't up to seeing those pictures, and now it is too late.

While I regret that Daniel will not get to know my father, I am thankful that my father met him and knew we had been successful in our quest for a baby. And thanks to Daniel, I saw my father twice as much in the last year as I typically did.

It's just so unbelievable and sad. And I am sad. I didn't ever expect to be losing a parent, well, any time soon.

-- Post From My iPhone

What If...

This year's National Infertility Awareness Week is making me feel introspective and reflective. It's probably due to my change in circumstances. Baby Boy is napping next to me. He is almost a year old and brings us such joy. He has changed our lives in small and profound ways, and thinking of not having him makes me catch my breath and feel sick. I've always felt like getting to this point was like climbing a huge mountain-uphill journey all the way. Now that I'm at the top, I feel like there is a sheer drop off just on the other side. And that has inspired my What If.

What if I lived in a time when we didn't have this knowledge about fertility and treatment options? What if I lived 100, 50, heck even 10-20 years earlier? I would have had few or no options. If I had lived 100 years ago, Husband and I would be one of those childless couples who know only that they apparently cannot have children. More recently, I might know what our specific problems were but have no treatment options. I feel so fortunate to live in a state and country and age in which there are options. That allowed us to pursue gestational surrogacy and will hopefully allow us to pursue it again in a few years. The thought of being prevented from having my sweet boy due to being born in an earlier age when medical knowledge was lacking and treatment options non-existant sends chills down my spine.

And what if women in the future never had to worry about treatment options because success rates were higher and legislation didn't get in the way of family building? We've come a long way in short period of time, and my hope is that future generations of women can look back at our time and shake their heads, grateful not to be living in such a "primitive" time medically.

That's my What If.

Yesterday I donated my leftover meds to my old clinic. I had hoped to be able to give them to someone who was cycling because blogger Samantha had done the same for me when we were cycling, and I hoped to be able to pay it forward, but I don't know anyone cycling right now. It made me feel good to donate them, though. Hopefully someone will be able to use them.

http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/
http://www.resolve.org/takecharge

Remember Me?

Argh. I really apologize that my posting has been so sporadic. Being home with D kept me busy but returning to work really amplified that. I feel like most work week nights revolve around coming home -> baby stuff ->eating ->trying to get to bed at a decent hour. I have read probably 2, no more than 3 books for "fun" since August. Life is definitely different!

I love it though. I admit to being more tired than I ever knew I could be, and it's been interesting adjusting to leaving work behind at 4:30 on the dot because my MIL would be waiting in the parking lot to drop off the baby. I've always had a problem letting go of work, so being forced to shut down at 4:30 has been nice, but it's also been difficult b/c there has been some work I've needed to do after hours to catch up or do research, and I just don't have the time or energy. Oh well. It's an adjustment, right?

Daniel is doing soooo well! He is 7.5 months now and WILD!! This week I declare him to be officially crawling, and he has two bottom teeth and two top teeth threatening to come through any day now. He went from barely being able to sit up without a supporting arm on Jan. 2 to being able to sit up straight without any support a few days ago. The milestones are coming fast and furious! He smiles a lot and is very happy. He makes us soooo very happy. Our first Christmas with him was perfect. It really was the perfect holiday for us: no travel, lots of family, family who didn't outstay their welcome, a private Christmas, etc. I didn't expect him to get much of Christmas, so I was unprepared for the joy on his face when he saw what Santa brought. We barely did "Santa" his first year, but we loved it!

He is eating solids along with formula, and he loves them. I never thought I would do this, but I am making all of his veggies and fruits. He eats carrots, sweet potatoes, peas, green beans, cauliflower, apples, pears, squash, and peaches. He eats more veggies and fruits than Husband does!! LOL

We are having a great time with him. Each day is an adventure. I've started to think a little about a second child and what that would entail, but we won't seriously talk about it until his first birthday--which will likely be around the corner based on how quickly time is flying! More on that topic to come.

I definitely have not forgotten my infertility, but it has been so great having him here. He is wonderful.

I hope you all are having a good 2010 so far.

9/9/09-belated

AKA my birthday! I'm so amused by the date this year. I remember that it was somewhat of a big deal in 1999 too when the date was 9/9/99.

I'm 32 this year. 32. I remember when 32 seemed old but yet it also seems so young. I can tell the demographics at work are changing slightly. I've worked at my present place of employment for 9 years. For most of that time, I was the youngest full-time employee. In the last few years, we've added a few employees who are several years younger. It's not a big deal, but there is a decent-sized gap between me and the next oldest employee too. Sometimes being a member of either the last years of Gen X or the first years of Gen Y is pretty lonely.

But I digress. It's been a pretty quiet birthday, and I don't mind. Not surprisingly, my attitude towards my birthday was different this year. I felt much more serene and perfectly happy to do little celebrating. In the past few years, I felt like my birthday was one of the few things I had and needed to cling to it, counting cards and emails and hoping I would be remembered. This year? Eh...not so much. I still wanted my birthday acknowledged, but I didn't need it to be so. I attribute this change to Daniel obviously. I feel ok. Calm. Happy.

Happy is a weird place for me. I've always been one of those half-empty, cynical people. For the most part, I still am. But overall I feel so full. So calm. Serene and tranquil. I roll my eyes as I type those words because they seem so absurd and cliche. But it is how I feel. I feel grounded. And delighted.

Sometimed I wonder when the warm, fuzzy feelings will abate. I feel infatuated and wonder when that will wear off. I'm not saying I want it to, but I wonder when I will start finding a behavior or stage irritating and feel that I can and must address it for "my child" and not "precious miracle baby."

Eh, a bit heavy topic for tonight! Work has gone well. Everyone has told me how happy they are to see me and glad that I am back. There is a ton to do, so I'm kept busy and that helps. MIL is having a great time with Daniel. She sends us the cutesy emails about his activities every day. It's a great situation, and I'm glad it is working so far.

Daniel might be teething. He is drooling a lot and constantly has his fist in his mouth. He is very chatty! He is still flirting with sleeping through the night. He is grabbing at things and trying to pull himself up. His grins slay me!

Recently I discovered that F placed a new ad on SurroMoms' classifieds forum. I was a little shocked because she had stated over and over that she wasn't going to look for a new couple but would work again with only us and her previous couple. I shouldn't be bothered by it because she is free to do what she wants, but it still feels weird. She is still pumping for us, and I'm not going to ask about the ad. I wish her luck in whatever she pursues, but it sort of feels like what you feel when your ex starts dating someone else lol.

And can I say how exhausted I am? Working and coming home and taking care of D is exhausting. He is an angel, and we are so happy, but it is still exhausting. I've started thousands of blog posts that I've never finished. But it's a wonderful time. I want to post more and hope to do so. I try to go to bed by 11 at the latest and since MIL meets me at work, there is no snoozing for me. And we are usually out of bed and having coffee by 9am most weekends. That is a HUGE change for us, but it is nice too because I feel like we have much more time to get stuff done.

Life is different but wonderful. Fall is our season, and Husband and I are truly looking forward to this one.


-- Post From My iPhone

Back to Work

I apologize again for the delay in posting. It's just been hard to find the time or energy to post. Daniel is quite a dynamo!

Amazingly and sadly, tomorrow is my first day back at work. I can't believe it has been 12 weeks already. The summer is almost over! September is mere days away! Daniel will be 12 weeks on Tuesday and 3 months on September 2. I've enjoyed these last 12 weeks so much. It's not an option for me to stay home, and in some ways, I feel relief that the choice is made for me. I don't know what I would choose otherwise.

Daniel is great. He is a robust 11 pounds, 14 ounces as of Thursday...a whole 5 pounds, 4 ounces more than he weighed at birth! I think he's about to outgrow many of his 0-3 months outfits. Suddenly it has hit me that my baby boy is getting big!

He is cooing and chatting up a storm. I love it. We talk all day. I sing to him, and it is so rewarding when he gives me a big grin in response. Ohhhhh he is precious!

I don't deal well with change in general, so that's part of my nervousness about tomorrow. In some ways, it feels like the first day of school. I know there have also been a ton of changes at work, and the effort required to reacquaint myself with them and force my brain into work-mode seems exhausting. But I think it will be nice at the same time which of course is part of the problem. Thankfully I am working half days my first week back, so that will help the transition.

Our daycare situation has changed in that my MIL has volunteered to watch Daniel, and we accepted. It was completely unexpected, but she and my step-FIL as well as her parents are super excited about it because they didn't get this much time with their other grandchild and are excited to be able to spend time with D. We're going to pay her, but it still will come out way less than daycare. We were really lucky. I'm not 100% convinced the situation is going to work out due to Husband's grandmother's health problems. My MIL is an only child, and I wonder if she will need to take care of Husband's grandmother, but it is extremely important to Husband's grandmother that D not go to daycare, so we'll play it by ear for now. I had a minor freak out a few weeks ago about D in daycare and worrying about whether the staff would comfort him when he cried (silly I know since we loved the daycare we had selected), so I'm happy for Daniel to be with family for at least a little while.

There has been some drama with my mother over Daniel staying with MIL. Argh. I'm not sure what to make of my mother. She was great when we brought him home (cooking and cleaning non-stop) but over the 4th she read Twilight practically the entire time and then whined about how she hadn't gotten to spend any time with him. She then wanted desperately to come up again, and we settled on a date only for her to decide to reschedule at the last minute. We decided on early August, and they were running late to the point where they didn't arrive until almost 2pm. It was kind of weird considering all I had been hearing was how much she and my stepfather longed to see him again. He was napping when they arrived.

I told her gently about Husband's mom keeping D instead of him going to daycare (and it's kind of absurd that I felt the need to tiptoe around this revelation at all) and while she was supportive of that, she became maudlin. The quantity of alcohol she consumed didn't help. She went outside and cried, later informing us she was having a bit of a pity party. She barely held D, only talking to him and then whining that he wasn't going to know them. I think she went outside to cry a few more times. Keep in mind at this point he was about 9 weeks old...he had barely started to recognize and respond even to Husband at this point. D starts crying late in the afternoon like hungry, sleepy babies do, and we were trying to feed, change and put him to bed. My mother and stepfather followed us everywhere---even into our bedroom where D's Pack N Play is--and tried to help, handing us diapers and just generally getting in the way. It was so annoying that we finally shooed everyone out. My mother proceeded to make a mess in the kitchen cooking (we had originally planned to go out to eat but she decided to bring food). Around 10pm, I absconded to the bedroom where Husband already was keeping guard over the baby. He was furious. We rounded up the cats and locked the door, all 6 of us sleeping in the bedroom because we didn't trust my mother not to try to come in and see Daniel.

Argh. It's a weird situation. I believe my mother loves her grandson, but my stepfather keeps mentioning how she's trying to get used to having a grandson instead of a granddaughter and will have to figure out what to do with him. In April when he said that I didn't pay too much attention because it may have been a one-off comment but he has repeated it several times since then. She doesn't interact with D much though. She doesn't hold him much but instead spends time looking over patterns to make him a christening gown or reading. I can't decide if she truly has a problem with him being a boy or just isn't good with babies. It's hard because she tells me she wishes she were closer and saw him more and that they have my cousin bring over her baby boy (less than 1 month older than D) so they can get their baby fix. I feel like they get their "fix" satisfied to the point where they don't even need to hold D.

The one bright spot is that I have always rather cow-towed to my mother due to her unpredictability, and I wondered if I would be able to stand up to her once D was here, and I was reassured to discover that yes, I could. I went into Mama Bear mode. HE is my priority and HE gives me the strength to stand up to her. I don't want him to have to worry about any of this crap.

Fingers crossed tomorrow and the rest of the go smoothly! My hair has been cut and my toes freshly polished :-) Hopefully that helps give me strength.