Time Passes

I thought I owed anyone who is still reading this blog a final post. After a few years away due to lack of time, I returned to blogging last year. I thought about reclaiming this space but decided it was too narrow and couldn't grow to encompass everything I want to write about.

You can visit me now at Family Building with a Twist.

I am very grateful for the support and outlet I found here.

What If...

This year's National Infertility Awareness Week is making me feel introspective and reflective. It's probably due to my change in circumstances. Baby Boy is napping next to me. He is almost a year old and brings us such joy. He has changed our lives in small and profound ways, and thinking of not having him makes me catch my breath and feel sick. I've always felt like getting to this point was like climbing a huge mountain-uphill journey all the way. Now that I'm at the top, I feel like there is a sheer drop off just on the other side. And that has inspired my What If.

What if I lived in a time when we didn't have this knowledge about fertility and treatment options? What if I lived 100, 50, heck even 10-20 years earlier? I would have had few or no options. If I had lived 100 years ago, Husband and I would be one of those childless couples who know only that they apparently cannot have children. More recently, I might know what our specific problems were but have no treatment options. I feel so fortunate to live in a state and country and age in which there are options. That allowed us to pursue gestational surrogacy and will hopefully allow us to pursue it again in a few years. The thought of being prevented from having my sweet boy due to being born in an earlier age when medical knowledge was lacking and treatment options non-existant sends chills down my spine.

And what if women in the future never had to worry about treatment options because success rates were higher and legislation didn't get in the way of family building? We've come a long way in short period of time, and my hope is that future generations of women can look back at our time and shake their heads, grateful not to be living in such a "primitive" time medically.

That's my What If.

Yesterday I donated my leftover meds to my old clinic. I had hoped to be able to give them to someone who was cycling because blogger Samantha had done the same for me when we were cycling, and I hoped to be able to pay it forward, but I don't know anyone cycling right now. It made me feel good to donate them, though. Hopefully someone will be able to use them.

http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/
http://www.resolve.org/takecharge

Remember Me?

Argh. I really apologize that my posting has been so sporadic. Being home with D kept me busy but returning to work really amplified that. I feel like most work week nights revolve around coming home -> baby stuff ->eating ->trying to get to bed at a decent hour. I have read probably 2, no more than 3 books for "fun" since August. Life is definitely different!

I love it though. I admit to being more tired than I ever knew I could be, and it's been interesting adjusting to leaving work behind at 4:30 on the dot because my MIL would be waiting in the parking lot to drop off the baby. I've always had a problem letting go of work, so being forced to shut down at 4:30 has been nice, but it's also been difficult b/c there has been some work I've needed to do after hours to catch up or do research, and I just don't have the time or energy. Oh well. It's an adjustment, right?

Daniel is doing soooo well! He is 7.5 months now and WILD!! This week I declare him to be officially crawling, and he has two bottom teeth and two top teeth threatening to come through any day now. He went from barely being able to sit up without a supporting arm on Jan. 2 to being able to sit up straight without any support a few days ago. The milestones are coming fast and furious! He smiles a lot and is very happy. He makes us soooo very happy. Our first Christmas with him was perfect. It really was the perfect holiday for us: no travel, lots of family, family who didn't outstay their welcome, a private Christmas, etc. I didn't expect him to get much of Christmas, so I was unprepared for the joy on his face when he saw what Santa brought. We barely did "Santa" his first year, but we loved it!

He is eating solids along with formula, and he loves them. I never thought I would do this, but I am making all of his veggies and fruits. He eats carrots, sweet potatoes, peas, green beans, cauliflower, apples, pears, squash, and peaches. He eats more veggies and fruits than Husband does!! LOL

We are having a great time with him. Each day is an adventure. I've started to think a little about a second child and what that would entail, but we won't seriously talk about it until his first birthday--which will likely be around the corner based on how quickly time is flying! More on that topic to come.

I definitely have not forgotten my infertility, but it has been so great having him here. He is wonderful.

I hope you all are having a good 2010 so far.

An Update...Finally!

I have been trying to post for weeks, but Daniel has been keeping my hands full literally! I have a moment now while he's listening to the mobile in the Pack N Play.

Daniel will be 6 weeks old on Tuesday--hard to believe!--and things are going well! At his one month check-up, he had gained almost 2 pounds and weighed 8 pounds, 5 ounces (birth weight was 6 pounds, 7 ounces). The pediatrician keeps worrying me slightly by saying he should be eating around 5 ounces per feeding at this point, and he's eating around 3.5, but he's growing, so that's the important thing I guess. He is sleeping pretty well at night, going down for a 4-hour stretch and then a few 3-hour stretches. He wants to eat almost every 3 hours on the dot; he's better than any alarm clock at letting us know he's hungry!

He's a pretty laid-back baby, which we enjoy. He has had a few fussy periods, especially in the afternoon, but so far, nothing too bad! He is starting to coo and wiggle a lot. He is smiling, but so far he hasn't really smiled AT us in response. I'm hoping for one any day now!

Happily, the cats pretty much leave him alone. They aren't scared of him at all and will come and sniff him but move when he wiggles.

It's been a great 6 weeks! We switched him to breast milk at around 2 weeks, and he transitioned smoothly. We have enjoyed watching his cheeks firm up, and I think he has his daddy's blue eyes. We've gotten out of the house some. His first non-doctor trip was to the library! He has been to the grocery store, Target, a local bakery, work, and a baby shower.

It took his belly button three full weeks to fall off, and boy, was it stinky!!! I was so glad when it fell off. We had been keeping him in t-shirts to let it air out, so as soon as it fell off, I whisked him into a onesie. He is still wearing newborn sizes, but I suspect that won't last too much longer!

Almost all of our family members have met him, and it's been great seeing how excited they are to hold him and get to know him. My MIL feels pretty excluded from my nephew's life, so she really welcomes the chance to be a grandmother to Daniel. He is staying with her on Monday evening, and she went right out and bought a Pack N Play of her own in preparation. My mother has declared she will have to come up at least once a month.

I think Husband and I have adapted pretty well to have a small baby in the house. Each day certainly is different! I've probably cooked more meals in the past few weeks than I did in the last 6 months while we were putting in the floors LOL. We eat a lot of takeout, never fear! Never a dull moment! I'm already dreading returning to work, but I'm thankful that I still have 6 more weeks.

It's just been amazing and great. He changes each day, and I love noticing the changes.

I'll try to update more frequently from now on! Oh, I also wanted to thank all of you for support over the circumcision judgment. It meant a lot to me that you all support our right to make our own decision for our child the way we see fit. I really, really appreciated it!

Birth Story Cont'd: Post-Partum

The rest of our time at the hospital was mixed and stressful unfortunately. N was right on in her comment to a post before Daniel was born. This hospital delivers tons of babies every day, but I swear there were moments where I wondered if they had ever delivered a baby before. This hospital has a public cord blood center on-site, yet they found our private cord blood collection kit confusing. I hope we were able to get some usable cells, but who knows. It took us forever to be moved from the delivery room to a post-partum room, and when we were, we were moved to the overflow area in the main hospital instead of one of the nice rooms in the birth center. It felt weird and somehow not right wheeling our newborn in his isolette down a long hall, into an elevator, and down another hall.

This wing of the hospital was apparently undergoing construction because almost as soon as we got into the room, we could hear very loud hammering and scraping that at time sounded like the workers would be coming through the ceiling. The nurses apologized profusely, informing us they had no idea construction would be going on when they reopened that floor. Hours later we were finally moved to another room down the hall.

When we explained the surrogacy situation to the nurses, they looked at each other, baffled, and one said, “Oh, We’ve never encountered that situation before. We’ll have to think about how to handle it.” Feeling good and confident at this point! They were obviously confused about whether they needed to address me or F about Daniel’s circumcision and other issues that needed a parent’s signature. One of the nurses commented that even though we were the parents, there might be some legal issues involved that necessitated F signing. F and her husband and Husband and I whipped out our PBOs at that point and told the nurse we had legal documentation. The infuriating thing was that F had delivered her previous surro baby at this hospital 1.5 years ago and I also doubt that we have been the only other case they’ve encountered since then.

The birth certificate lady informed us the state needed another certified copy of our PBO for us to be named parents on the birth certificate (never mind the fact that the hospital had one that they apparently weren’t using since they were clueless). So, instead of getting to spend lots of time with baby boy, Husband had to call the attorney to get another certified copy. He also had to deal with getting the hospital to finish up the cord blood kit procedure, which we had been told would be no big deal.

We left our house so quickly that we didn’t think to grab a few bottles. The hospital provided formula and huge bottle nipples, noting that all babies look like they are choking on them. Um, ok. F was pumping as well, and we wanted to use the colostrum but didn’t have any bottles to put it in. And apparently neither did the hospital. The nurse finally found something that would work, acting like she was doing us a huge favor. Daniel took an ounce of formula early on but refused to take anything else using the large nipples. We tried to feed him the colostrum via a syringe, which didn’t go that well. I wasn’t too concerned about his intake at that point since I had read that newborns actually don’t need much nourishment the first couple of days although that was constantly contradicted by nurses coming in to tell me he needed to eat every 3-4 hours.

When we left, F was in the wheel chair, and the nurse told us that Daniel would have to be wheeled out as well. She was perplexed by what to do since apparently they have only one wheelchair in the entire ginormous hospital; we again heard the now-familiar “I’ll have to figure out how to do this.” She wanted us to take the baby out of his car seat and put him back in the isolette for the trip downstairs, but I refused because he was strapped in and recovering from his circumcision, and I wasn’t going to bother him again. We finally agreed on F holding the car seat on her lap as they wheeled her out.

Amazingly, the only thing that went smoothly was discharge. F had terrified me by telling us that it may take us hours to be discharged, but the hospital was on the ball with that thankfully. I think I would have lost my mind having to sit there any longer.

I don’t want to give the impression that Daniel’s birth was a horrible experience. His birth was wonderful although a bit shocking, fast and terrifying! He was a wonderful baby in the hospital, and I was thankful for my quiet, cooing baby when the baby next door cried all day and all night long (something I could hear clearly all the way on the other side of our room). No, our main irritation was with the hospital and their disorganization.

I have to admit that the whole situation was a bit awkward overall. F was great and never did anything that made me feel weird. It was just that the rooms were small and people were coming in and out and I felt like I had to be “on” 24/7. Husband and I had an important role in this drama since we were the parents of the newborn, but F was the patient. We had no privacy. She had no privacy. The chairs weren’t comfortable. The futon was not ideal for sleeping. I don’t think I went to the bathroom for hours b/c you could hear everything in the room. We were new parents trying to figure out what the hell to do when the baby cried or needed a diaper change, and we had to do it in front of everyone. And never mind the fact that we were feeling a little emotional ourselves since we had just achieved our heart’s desire after 4 long years.

When we first arrived in the post-partum room, the nurses were being unhelpful, F was eating, I was starving and tired, I told Husband that I was about to lose it and I didn’t think I could stay there that night which made me feel awful since that meant leaving my precious newborn in the nursery. I calmed down a bit once I fed the baby, and it was quiet for a while. Then our pediatrician came in and told us that if the baby was doing well, we could be discharged after 24 hours. That then became my goal. If I could get to that, I’d be fine b/c all I wanted to do was go home and be with Husband and Daniel.

The evening went better because we had friends visit. F insisted that she had no problems with any visitors we wanted and to treat the room as our room. F’s parents brought her kids to see the baby later on and finally, everyone, including F’s husband and Husband left around 10:30, and we were alone. Daniel was a bit fussy around midnight and wouldn’t be quieted, and F and I had some nice moments trying to figure out what was going on and her showing me a few tricks. I finally gave in and let the nurse take him to the nursery since all I was doing was watching him, and I was exhausted.

We left the hospital at 1pm on Wednesday, the day after he was born. We felt exhilarated and jubilant as we snapped his car seat in the car and headed home. I kept looking over at my beautiful baby boy, and he makes it all worth it.

Daniel's Birth Story

I'm just now able to organize my thoughts about our birth experience as well as have the opportunity to get my laptop. I can do a lot with my iPhone but typing a detailed birth story is not one of them! I have two long posts about this, and it's rather stream of consciousness (probably due to fatigue!), so please forgive any rambling or lack of coherence :-)

Last Monday F told me she hadn’t felt good most of the day and was having irregular contractions again, but neither of us thought anything of it. I think we both wondered if she would make the induction date and thought it was very possible he might arrive on his own the following weekend. We texted each other Monday night for a while, and I went to bed around 11. She baked a cake. Next thing I know, I was awakened by the phone ringing at 4:11 am Tuesday morning. I didn’t get to it in time, but then my cell phone started ringing. My heart was thumping b/c I knew there were very few reasons for phone calls at 4am. I answered my cell phone, and R, F’s husband, told me that they were on the way to the hospital. Like a moron, I responded, “Really?” (hey, it was 4am) and said that we’d see them there ASAP. I calmly told Husband that F was in labor. We jumped out of bed and got ready.

We didn’t dawdle, but we didn’t exactly set any speed records for getting ready because we both assumed we’d have a few hours of labor before us (F’s previous labor was 6 hours). We were on the road by 5:30 and at the hospital by about 5:45 (Husband did set a few speed records on the interstate).

I think it’s safe to say that neither of us was prepared for what we were about to see and experience. You see, when we arrived, F was already 7-8 cm dilated. She had been at the hospital for only about 15-20 minutes longer than us. F was in obvious pain, and they couldn’t give her an epidural until her labs returned. We called only our moms and tried to make ourselves as inconspicuous as possible because the situation felt awkward and uncomfortable. I’m not squeamish. I knew that labor is a messy, painful business (I’ve seen The Miracle of Life after all), but it was shocking to walk in and find F in active labor and at the height of contraction pain. All along, the only thing she had said she wanted for labor was an epidural. It is awful watching someone in so much pain, knowing that it’s because of you. It was so stressful that at times, I wanted to flee the room and throw up in the bathroom. But I didn’t. I wanted to touch her and reassure her, hand her ice chips if she wanted them, but I didn’t feel comfortable doing so, as if I would be intruding.

F progressed rapidly to 9cm, and the nurse announced that delivery would be soon. They broke her water and discovered that it contained meconium. The doctor told us that she would cut the baby’s cord and try not to agitate him too much so he wouldn’t cry as much and ingest the meconium before she could have him suctioned. F was able to get her epidural and then the doctor started making worried comments about the baby’s heart rate being lower than she’d like. She even mentioned an emergency c-section if things didn’t improve quickly. At that point, I really was ready to throw up because I felt so helpless at the thought that our baby boy was in distress or having a problem and was so scared and terrified.

Finally, F was ready to push, and the doctor told her that a c-section was still a possibility and to push a hard as she could to get him out as quickly as she could. Three pushes later, Daniel made his appearance. It was 6:48 am and F had been in labor for about 3 hours total. He cried a little, the doctor cut the cord, and the nurses suctioned him thoroughly. They then swaddled him and handed him to me. We have a great picture of me holding him at this point with a somewhat awed and befuddled expression on my face LOL.

F was great. Almost immediately after delivery, she was calm and in obvious relief. Labor and delivery had progressed so rapidly that she hadn’t torn or anything. Not 30 minutes later she told me that she hoped we wanted to pursue a sibling project with her in a few years! Amazing! And Daniel’s head hadn’t been compressed and looked beautiful.

I didn’t cry. I almost did though. I felt so relieved and happy, and he was so beautiful. The nurse gave him a bath (which he hated) and told me he scored an 8 & 9 on his Apgar tests, which relieved me greatly.

I still can't get over how fast the birth happened. I don't think it went the way the four of us intended or thought it would go. I think we all thought we would ease into labor instead of being close to delivering almost immediately. I also still haven't gotten over my worry and fear for Daniel when his heart rate was low. They gave F oxygen during delivery and pronounced Daniel to be perfect, but you better believe I spent some time Googling "fetal distress" and future outcomes. Guess I better get used to worrying about him? I did it when he was in utero, and I guess it will only get worse!

Eviction Date Set

I wish I had more interesting news like we were in L&D at our Raleigh hospital. Alas, I do not. Our appointment today was uneventful and kind of disappointing :-( We have made no further progress in regards to dilation. I think the doctor may have said that F's cervix was ready even though she remained at only 3cm, but other than that, nothing was going on. We now have an induction date set: June 9. Thankfully, this practice will schedule inductions as soon as two days past the due date (I feared we might have to wait until 42 weeks!). After working through the customary confusion over our due date (the OB has consistently wanted to put us at June 8 despite the RE and every calculator putting as at June 3), the doctor said we could be induced June 8. F really likes this doctor, and she isn't on call until June 9, so we all agreed that June 9 would be ok. Hey, it's only one more day at this point.

You would think that having a firm eviction date would put my mind at ease, but it doesn't. Actually, I'm kind of pissed. I expected this baby to be here this week. And now we might have to wait another full week and two whole weekends???? Ughhhhhhh. I know it's ridiculous for me to feel this way, but when I got back to work, I stomped my foot like an irate toddler. I WANT MY BABY. And it doesn't help that F is THRILLED about getting this doctor on June 9 and how convenient it would be for her to deliver then. She said she was going to stop any efforts (like walking, etc.) to get him to come sooner. That pisses me off as well. Frankly, I don't care how convenient it is for her. I just want our baby here with us.

Husband and I are just tired. We've waited almost 4 years for this baby, and we are ready for him to get here. Our journey with F has been mostly extremely smooth and great, but frankly, we're tired of having so many people in the mix. We just want to have our baby, get him home with us and lock the door. We are introverts, and all of this has just gotten to be a little much. Obviously I am a little stressed as well. I've tried not to post about my petty irritations with F--we are very different people and that's ok--in the scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. She is still a wonderful person and it's been an easy journey, but frankly, we can't wait for it to be over.

I know that an eviction date means nothing. Our baby could decide to come tomorrow or early next week (and I kind of hope he will). And yes, it does help me to know that at the very latest, he will be here June 9 or June 10. I'm just impatient. I've never been a very patient person or handled delays well. So this delay combined with the general stress of having a baby has really gotten to me.

It's also complicated by a little family drama. I love my mother. I do. But she drives me crazy a lot of the time. She treats my house like it's her house. She tends to take over. She makes many situations about her. Basically, she stresses me out. I know she wants to come up here at the first sign of labor like my aunts did with my cousins, but it's obviously not a typical situation. I thought we had agreed that she and my stepfather would drive the two hours to see him once he was born or during labor and then go home and then return once we were discharged to spend a few days with us. Well now they are asking about getting a spare key to our house and just hanging out while we are in the hospital. Is it wrong of me to hate that idea? First of all, they don't know Raleigh, so does that mean they will come hang out in the hospital room while F and I are there? Like all day? Ok, I'm already sharing F's room post-delivery...and these aren't huge rooms, so it's a nightmare to think about my mother hanging out ALL DAY while I'm trying to figure out my new baby. The other scenario, the two of them staying in our house while we're at the hospital, doesn't thrill me either. I want to know that when I leave this house--messy or clean--to go to the hospital for our baby is how I will return. I shake at the thought of them locking our cats up accidentally in various rooms and Husband having to deal with them by himself for two days. Plus, my stepfather hates just sitting around, so heaven knows what projects Husband will have to prevent. Is it just me or does that sound like a nightmare waiting to happen?

Ideally, I'd love it if people would leave us alone for a week after the baby comes to start to learn him and his needs and bond. I know that won't happen (I'm an only child), so at the very least, I want a few quiet days in the hospital and then I'll be ready for my mother and the onslaught of visitors.

Ack. I really am going to try to enjoy this weekend. I promise. I bought flowers today to plant in my flower garden, and I dream of taking the baby out to enjoy them later in the summer.

Suspended Animation

Still here. Still no baby. Baby boy is showing us that he has a mind of his own. F has been pg 4 other times, and each of those times she has never gone past 39 weeks. Until now. Yesterday was 39 weeks. Today is (obviously) 39w1d. And Baby Boy is apparently happy as a clam, moving and squirming but making no move to emerge. I feel a mixture of pride and irritation that our baby is the one to break the cycle; at the same time I fear what that might indicate about his personality and will :-)

It's a weird feeling because I don't know what to do with myself. When I left work on Friday, I left feeling good about where I stood in regards to any outstanding tasks. I had finished all the major stuff. We had a busy weekend putting the house in order and by Monday, we were very pleased with our progress. Baby things washed and put away. Clothes back in our closet. Flooring tools put away. We looked at each other and said, "We're ready!"

When I left work on Friday, I felt myself disengaging from the office. I knew that even if I were at work this week, it would likely be for only a short time, so I returned to work on Tuesday feeling calm and detached. Unfortunately, as the week has progressed, I've somewhat lost those feelings of detachment and calmness. Will he ever come out? Will they make us wait 3 more weeks before inducing us? And F feels great! She has a lot of energy and even thinks her appetite has increased.

It's a little frustrating because I know I need to think of these unexpected extra days as a gift and treasure them. Read. Eat good food. Cuddle with Husband and kitties. Try to sleep. But instead I'm an anxious, stressed mess who just wants the next day to come b/c Baby Boy might make his appearance. Oddly, it feels a lot like it did between cycles when all we did was wait for the next appointment or chance.

I know I'm whining. He will come out eventually, I know that. Our next doctor's appointment is tomorrow, and she could easily tell us she wants to get the show on the road. It's just interesting to me that I'm back to waiting impatiently. At this point, I've decided I'm going to plan on planting flowers on Saturday because I really don't think he'll be here by then!

38 Weeks ... and Baby?

Today is 38 weeks, and I thought it would be nothing more than the day I made a big star on my calendar and kept my phone with me obsessively. It has turned out to be a much more interesting day. F texted me this morning and told me that she was having some contractions that were stronger than Braxton Hicks but weren't coming consistently; she would call me if they did. I somewhat calmly called Husband and told him to make sure that he had the carseat with him today.

I kept a death grip on my phone all day,and F called me at 3 to tell me that the nurse wanted her to come to the OB's office at 4:30. While the contractions still aren't regular, she is having 4-6 an hour and they are strong. She's feeling a lot of pressure and just hot all over.

Needless to say, I am (calmly, quietly) freaking out. There has been a surreal element to our journey all along, and this morning I had convinced myself that the baby wouldn't arrive until next week. Or heck, maybe he would defy us all and be late. My bag isn't packed. I have baby things in the dryer. House is still somewhat of a wreck.

But at the same time, I am ready. Maybe today is an auspicious day.

I'll keep you posted! Who knows, maybe I'll be home watching tv later on LOL.

In Search of Zen-Like Calm

Today we are 35w4d. Oh, and according to the doc at our appointment on Friday, F has lost the mucus plug and is 1cm dilated. Gulp. F and the doctor are both calm and not worried or concerned, and I know these are just signs that we are moving towards labor, but Husband and I are a little freaked out :-) Sounds like we definitely will have a baby soon!

This week I feel like someone hauled me up onto a train that is moving quickly towards its final destination. All I can do is hold on, ride and accept that it is in motion and that I have neither the option of getting off nor slowing it down.

Are we ready? Hell no. Will we be? We'll be cutting it close, but I think so. Or at least close enough. The nursery and the master bedroom are freshly painted. The floors are done. He needs only to install the baseboards. He'll do the nursery first which means once we are done, I'll finally be able to arrange the furniture and start decorating.

I turned in my final project for class on Friday and am officially done. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my back, and now I can focus on finishing up the backup plan for work as well as some outsanding tasks I plan to finish as well as turning my focus to all-baby, all-the-time! I look back over that last 4 months and truly wonder where all the time went. I can't believe it is May. I can't believe that it is possible we will have a baby in about 20 days. I never anticipated how busy this year would become. Note to self: next time you go through something like this, don't take a class. It's great that I now have only 9 semester hours left in my graduate program, but I truly don't feel like I gave my best effort this semester. That's ok. It was likely good enough.

I've started to feel a little panicky about finishing up things at work, and I've decided to regroup and take control. I need to spell things out for my direct reports. I think "keep it simple" will be my mantra. My staff needs a lot of guidance, a bit more guidance than I expected, and I want to make sure things go smoothly while I'm gone. Many people express dismay about what will happen while I'm out, which feels good, but at the same time, it makes me worry. I've also had some work drama recently with one of my direct reports. He is causing me some headaches due to his feeling entitled to rewards despite not having produced much. But I need to regroup and refocus my efforts and just spell it out for him.

We have our first shower next weekend. Five friends are hosting it, and it's a book shower apparently. I say apparently because I never received an invitation and wouldn't even know what time it was being held if F hadn't told me. It's been hard to get hold of the planners. I'm a little anxious about this shower because 3 of our 4 sets of parents will be there. My mother will be there, Husband's mother, stepfather and grandmother will be there, and my father and stepmother will be there. They all will get along fine, but I'm still nervous about the dynamics. Also, F will be there. I got the impression that she wanted to come to a shower, and Husband and I decided this one would be the best one since she wouldnt' have to travel too far. F is feeling a little anxious and has reassured me a thousand times that she wants to make sure the attention is on me and Husband and not her. I really, really appreciate that and I'm also worried about how she will be treated. I don't think she will be treated badly or anything--part of the reason I invited her was because my friend K and other family members really want to meet her and honor her. I just worry that some people will ignore her out of confusion over how to talk to her or treat her. F gets anxious very easily, and I don't want her to be stressed. Her mom is coming with her, and part of the reason I agreed to inviting my mom was because she has met her and at least it will be another familiar face. I'm sure everything will be fine, but there are just several factors that make me anxious. Hopefully I'll be able to post a week from now about how wonderful the shower was and how silly I was to worry.

After a few delays, our PBO is almost complete. It will be presented to the judge on Monday or Tuesday and then we will be officially the parents of our baby boy! Next week is also a big week because we have the tour of the birthing center on Tuesday and our baby care class on Wednesday. I remember signing up for that class in late January and I cannot believe it it time to take it.

We attended the 1st birthday party for our friends K and G's little girl last night. She looked adorable and again, I can't believe that she is 1 already. We gave her books. For my friends' daughters, I get them an age-appropriate book and Anne of Green Gables to grow into since it is one of my favorite books. I was touched because our friends' families were very interested and excited about our impending arrival and peppered us with questions throughout. It's silly, but it still pleasantly surprises me that people are interested in and care for our situation. Hard to believe that this time next year we might be planning a first birthday party of our own.

After our shower next week, we have two more showers the following weekend. I fully expect the baby to come around Memorial Day. Should I go ahead and buy a few basic supplies just in case he comes earlier? I'm feeling a little unprepared.

Sorry for the rambling post. For the first time in months, I don't have school work to do, and I treated myself by cleaning both bathrooms LOL. I'd say I'm nesting, but the bathrooms really needed it. I've also had some benadryl due to allergies, so I feel a little out of it ;-)

Still Here!

I promise I haven't disappeared. Things just stay so busy. Everything is going well on the baby front. We will be 33 weeks on Wednesday (OMG!). We have our next appointment then as well, and we are going to take F and her husband out for lunch afterwards. I feel guilty because we haven't gotten to do much socializing with them since we've been so busy with work and the never-ending floor project, but it's nice that I can keep up with her via email, texting and Facebook.

In house news, the floors in the nursery are done and all Husband needs to do now is put the baseboards on and paint. On Saturday we put together the crib. Wow. We have a crib in our house. I've been doing fairly well on the panic/anxiety front, but I did feel some panic after we put the crib together. It's mostly superstitious panic/anxiety I think, but it's still a shock to know we have a crib. And it's put together. The rest of the furniture will hopefully arrive this weekend.

I'm leaving for Orlando on Saturday for a conference. This is the same conference I attended last year at which I won the Unsung Hero award. A lot has changed in a year. This time I'm returning as a session presenter. I've never presented at a conference before! A coworker and I submitted a presentation topic on using Web 2.0 in your organization, and they accepted it. Due to budgetary constraints, my coworker can't go, so I'm presenting by myself. I'm a little nervous and feel a little unprepared. I'm also a little nervous about flying there and back. I know everything will be fine, but oh I'll feel better once I'm back in NC. On the bright side, my house is in such chaos right now due to the floors that I am looking forward to a few days away from home in a nice hotel room. The major work has shifted to our bedroom, and Husband and I (and the cats) are sleeping in the living room. It's not too bad since the tv is right there, but I'm starting to feel a little claustrophobic. Happily, this level of chaos means the flooring project is almost at an end.

I'll post more later in the week, but I wanted to check in before too many more days went by.

Chubby Cheeks, A Smile and Rumination

We had our monthly doctor's appointment on Tuesday, and it went well. F passed the one-hour GTT, and everything with the baby was great. We paid (happily) for another 3-D ultrasound, and the baby teased us for a while by keeping his fist and the cord in front of his face, but near the end, he finally cooperated and smiled for us! He was adorable. He has the chubbiest cheeks, and I think he has my chin and Husband's ears and lips. I have no idea where he gets those cheeks, though. He weighs almost 3 pounds and is 15 inches--quite a change from our last ultrasound in January when he was not quite a pound! We now transition to appointments every two weeks. I still can't believe how quickly time is passing. He will be here before we know it.

It feels weird to post such happy tidings when others have experienced some devastating occurrences lately. I'm thinking of surrogate buddies Duck and Niki and their miscarriages and Tabi's negative cycle with her surrogate. I'm also thinking of my coworker K and how she finally became pg with twins via IVF and began bleeding right before her 13 week screening last week, only to discover that she has a subchorionic hematoma and is now on bed rest at least until Wednesday. I ran into her at work as she was on her way to HR to fill out FMLA paperwork, and I was terrified b/c she was so pale and drawn. Her OB, in the helpful way all doctors have, told her that the hematoma was "normal but not common."

I'm so used to being on the unfortunate side of statistics myself that is still surprises me that we are where we are. My heart hurts for all of them. I wish there were some rhyme or reason WHY things turn out the way they do, but one thing I've learned from the past 3.5 years is that there is NO rhyme or reason. You can't promise to be a better person or list your stellar qualities. You can't do penance. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad, undeserving people. It sucks, and I wish it didn't work that way. I know that anything I have to say to Duck, Tabi or Niki would sound trite considering where I am. I just feel awful for them; they truly deserve success and happiness. We enter into surrogacy thinking it's going to be our magic bullet, and it is awful when it proves not to be--at least not the first time. The only poor advice I have to offer is to urge them not to give up, to please try again.

Oh, my friend J who became pg with her second child on her first cycle of Clomid again...she had her ultrasound on Tuesday, and it turns out she is pg with ONE baby. I cannot tell you how happy that makes me. I do not begrudge anyone their twins, but I still miss our twin. I felt like I could embrace her easily-achieved second pregnancy somewhat due to our circumstances, but if she had been pg with twins after 50mg of Clomid, I don't know how I would have reacted. Sad but true.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Third Trimester?!?!

I could have easily titled this post "irritation" or "frustration", but I instead decided to go with something positive. Amazingly, tomorrow we will be 28 weeks which, according to most sources, puts us in the third trimester! I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. Already? The truly frightening thing is that I'm planning based on 38 weeks because F usually doesn't make it to 40, and that is 10 weeks away from tomorrow! Eek! We are so far from being ready. We are so very NOT ready. I did register though it's a work in progress. Husband finally finished the hardwoods in the first room, capitulated and had my stepfather up to help last week and now the baby's room is halfway done. We are so behind schedule though. We haven't ordered furniture or anything. Neither of us can remember being this busy before and both decided to take this Friday off in order to get some stuff done. I need to work on some work and school stuff as well as sleep. He needs to work on floors. Together we need to work on taxes (we normally do those the first weekend in February) and baby furniture. To top it all off, my car needs $1200 in repairs, and we have been going back and forth today about whether we should bite the bullet and get something new(er). It's 11 years old and has 133k miles. It's also paid off. My big fear is that these repairs are the tip of the iceberg, but I think we just decided to repair the car and try to make it to the end of the year. Not that we want another car payment right now, but it was honestly a decision of convenience. We cannot handle making one more decision right now.

I don't mean to sound whiny. Overall, everything is great! I think we are both so freaking overwhelmed with life right now. F is doing well and sent belly pics last week; she looks awesome and told me that the baby has grown a ton b/c she is now huffing and puffing after climbing steps. We'll see her next Tuesday at our last monthly appointment and next ultrasound. I feel bad b/c we have been so busy that we haven't gotten to see her and her family very much lately.

Friends. Hmmm. I have a long overdue update on that topic. During the holidays, I kinda confronted friend K about how we feel left out and forgotten since we haven't heard from them. Friend K is the one with the almost-one-year-old, so I told her I understood that her life had changed, but that we just felt kind of forgotten. I also told her that I understood the hypocrisy of our wanting friends now but pushing people away when they were pg. This conversation stemmed from the fact that she had asked me if I had seen the previews for The Unborn, and I very tactfully told her I couldn't see that movie due to our vanishing twin. She wrote back an extremely contrite email, saying that she had realized her mistake and felt awful about it. I appreciated that. So, I emailed, K called me, we chatted, and since January, we have gotten together several times. We went to her house for dinner and then a couple of weeks ago she took me to Babies R Us to give me a mother's perspective on what I needed, and she also offered to throw me a baby shower. She is still a bit flaky, but I feel like we are repairing that relationship.

I also had a chat with friend J. To catch you up: J is married to another J who was Husband's best friend in high school, and Husband was best man at their wedding. J and I started down the IF path together when she got pg on her first cycle of clomid and I discovered that I had half a uterus and a hopelessly damaged tube. Anyway, that's been a rocky relationship. J and I met for lunch in late January, and the issue of our husbands came up. It turns out that her husband does harbor some bad feelings towards Husband. He resents that we took it personally that they "had a kid" as well as feeling like Husband pushed him away instead of letting him in to help. I was intrigued by her explanation because Husband went out of his way to ask about J and the baby whenever he talked to his friend and I guess Husband was supposed to let J know that he wanted his help? J couldn't have picked up the phone and called or emailed? Husband was supposed to do all the work? We had noticed weirdness on Husband's friend's part once they succeeded that we chalked up to survivor's guilt. It feels like the situation is at a stand-still. Husband isn't going to call his friend; his friend isn't going to call Husband. Frankly, I'm not going to force Husband to call his friend because honestly, why should we have to make all the effort? At least J and I can still email and whatnot. It was good to know, though.

Which now brings me to the irritation/annoyance part.

Irritation #1. J told me that she was on Clomid b/c they decided to go for baby #2. I was flattered she told me b/c she hadn't told anyone. Well, I emailed her last week to find out the outcome b/c the last time she and I talked, she had been convinced it didn't work, but I believed she was testing too early. I was right. Turns out that she is pg again from her FIRST Clomid cycle. Argh. Her pregnancy has stirred up a lot of feelings that I thought were buried. I'm a little down about it. It is sort of because I've been "lapped" but more because I'm worried how we will have baby #2 or if we will be able to. Unlike J, I can't pop a prescription for Clomid and have all my troubles solved. Our baby has come very dear. We have five frozen embies, and I hope, hope, hope we will be able to try surrogacy again--or even try with my poor uterus--but I wonder how we will afford it. I had told Husband last night that I wanted us to be ready to pursue something by the baby's first birthday. And it's hard not to feel a little resentful when we find out today it will cost $2500 to pursue the pre-birth-order paperwork and also pay $1200 in car repairs. I guess I just wish it were as easy for us. On the other hand, I'm actually kind of excited (deep down) about having a friend with an infant close in age. One of my big fears was that our friends would have moved on from the baby stage, and we would still be alone, so I'm excited about the possibilities for getting our babies together for playdates. I'm trying really hard to focus on that instead of my bitterness.

Irritation #2. My mother-in-law. Husband called her today to apologize for not returning her call yesterday, and she starts bitching about how she feels left out and that she wants to be part of the partying surrounding the baby. Ummm...what party? Husband and I are ridiculously busy. I put in 11-hour days every day last week. We're in meetings constantly. And on the weekend, Husband is working on the floors and until about 2 weeks ago, I had something to do every weekend. And MIL feels like copping the "I know your busy but why can't you spare some time for me" attitude? She actually said that she wants to join in the fun surrounding the baby. Um, what fun? I haven't had any fun yet. The first trimester was spent trying not to throw up from anxiety. The second trimester passed in a blur, and now the third is making me panic b/c we are so not ready. Where was she when we were looking for people to share our pain the last 3.5 years? So now she's ready to share in the happiness? JHC. We don't need this stress right now. Husband read her the riot act. I feel a little bad b/c I know she is excited, but it's not like we sit at home all day. She's retired. Must be nice! I wish I led half the life she thinks we do.

Which brings me to the topic of showers. It turns out that I might have 3 showers. I am amazed. My coworkers are throwing me a fabulous off-site shower in May. K stepped up, and she is supposed to be planning one with friend E. My mother wants to throw me one in my hometown that has morphed from a small affair at her house to a church fellowship hall function. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but we'll work it out. I don't know if any of you feel this way, but I feel really weird being the center of attention! I feel weird providing info for a shower. I'm glad (thrilled) to have them, but I just feel unworthy somehow. Does anyone else feel that way? I sort of felt like that when I was wedding planning.

But all-in-all, things are going well. 28 weeks tomorrow. We are getting close!

Obsessions

Husband and I are obsessed. I am obsessed with baby bedding; he is obsessed with the floors. I have not been able to find bedding I like, and Husband is that rare male (at least in my world) who has an opinion on furnishings, beddings, china, clothes, etc. He has disliked every bedding set I've sent him. He found a set that he really likes. I like it ok. It's cute and isn't too stereotypically boyish. I was not completely sold on it because I was hoping to do a room that was meaningful to us and couldn't figure out how baby forest creatures were meaningful to us. However, I've accepted that neither the bedding nor the fabric I want exists right now, so we've compromised on the set he likes and we will personalize the room with pictures from some of our travels.

He has decided that he wants to make his own baseboards now. No white baseboards for him! He told me yesterday that he wanted to get some wood and mill it himself for the baseboards. OMG. Are you KIDDING me? We compromised on that as well and now he will use floorboards, which will look great with a little tweaking. And all it costs me is a visit from my mother and stepfather to help out LOL. He's made a lot of progress on the first room and hopes to have it finished next week. I'm just a tad concerned because we have two more rooms to do, one of which is the baby's room. I'm really proud of him for tackling this job but I'm trying to find that sweet spot between his perfectionism and my desire for the project to be done :-)

We're 22 weeks today. F felt the baby move for the first time on the outside, which was exciting to hear. She says he has hiccups quite a bit too. I had been thinking that we have 18 weeks to go, but she told me last week that since she never goes to 40 weeks, it's more like 16-17 weeks. Gulp! That's not far at all.

I have come out to work about the baby. It's been a little weird for me b/c my instinct is to run and hide, but I keep reminding myself that I need to make plans. I can't just disappear for 12 weeks with no notice. Everyone's reactions have been great, though. I was really worried about it b/c I know my coworkers and how weird they can be at times. So far, all the reactions have been overwhelmingly positive. A coworker explained it to me this way: "we love you and therefore we are simply just excited and happy for you." It's a good reminder for me to try to think better of people. Maybe they go home and say, "OMG. That is SO weird" but they haven't said it to me.

I also talked to HR yesterday and was happy to discover that they will allow me to use 6 weeks of sick leave, and I have enough vacation and bonus leave to make up the other 6 weeks, so I can take 12 weeks paid. I feel a bit guilty because almost none of my friends and family have been able to take more than 8 weeks paid or unpaid. It's a shameful commentary on the maternity leave policy is in this country. When I start feeling guilty, though, I remind myself that I've made a lot of sacrifices for this baby and that being able to have 12 paid weeks off is nice.

We've called the lawyer to start the PBO process, so hopefully that ball is rolling. I can't believe that it's time to start thinking about that. F told me that the pregnancy would fly by, but I didn't really believe her. It has though.

I've noticed that I've turned a corner in my thinking about the baby. I'm excited. I'm researching. I'm making plans. But I'm still knocking on wood and feeling panicky when I talk about it too much (I actually just deleted a sentence that I had written b/c I felt I might be jinxing things). But it's nice to finally be able to enjoy it a bit.

Clytemnestra or Ptolemy?

Many years ago, Husband and I started thinking of baby names and decided that we would come up with the most ridiculous names we could think of and try to convince our family that is what we are naming our children. For a girl, we decided on Clytemnestra (Agammemnon's queen) and for a boy, we decided on Ptolemy (because I have a thing for silent letters). I can't keep a secret, so the family was soon clued in that those were fake names. However, we still joke about the names.

Today was our big u/s, and we found out whether we will have a Clytemnestra or a Ptolemy. More importantly, the baby looks great, was wiggling and moving like crazy and was measuring as it should. The baby now weighs 12 ounces. A can of Coke! At first the baby was a little shy, and I was worried that the gender would remain a mystery. However, the baby eventually cooperated. We are having...

A Ptolemy!!!

A boy! I can't believe it! Husband and I are still in shock. F thought we were having a girl b/c she was dreaming about girls. I had thought for the past few weeks that we were having a girl, but today I woke up pretty certain it was going to be a boy. That means we are having the 4th boy in 8 months on my mother's side LOL. I can't wait. I don't know anything about little boys, but that's ok. I had breakfast with a good friend on Saturday and met her 6-month-old baby boy. As I held him, my heart melted. He was adorable, and I knew that a baby boy would be a good thing. I am in TROUBLE! LOL

In other news, work has been quite busy. I had my first management issue to resolve last week, and my two direct reports are going to keep me on my toes. But it will be good. A lot of work but good.

And what's up with this sudden snow expected in NC tomorrow? I checked the weather this morning, hoping to find out when I might see a snow shower and was stunned to see we are under a winter storm watch and might get a few inches of snow! I'm always leery of these sudden storms b/c 9 years ago, we ended up with a very unexpected 21 inches. I hope it does snow!

Crap! I've got so much to do, but all I want to do is look at baby stuff LOL.

Farewell, 2008!

I still find it hard to believe that today is the last day of 2008. It still feels like it should be only October. We have pretty boring plans: takeout, videos, and champagne LOL. We used to spend it with friends, but the last few years we've spent by ourselves, and that's nice too. Our sinus infections morphed into slight colds (sore throat for Husband and cough for me), so we're not feeling 100%. I don't get sick often, but if I do, it always seems to be over some sort of vacation unfortunately. The last time I took two classes during fall semester (2 years ago), I was sick over Christmas. Having had a pretty busy year, at least I can discern a pattern.

Our Christmas was pretty good. Christmas Eve with my mother and stepfather went much more smoothly than I anticipated. We talked about baby stuff a little, but I was gratified that she told me she is still anxious too and will wait for our signal before she gets truly excited. She also told us that she plans to give us money towards our nursery furniture! That's a very nice gesture and much appreciated. Alas, after a few glasses of poinsettia punch, she also reiterated that she hoped I would get pg at some point. Again I had to remind her that the state of my tubes rendered that impossible unless we underwent IVF or did an FET with our frozen embryos. Christmas day we went to my cousin's, and it was very nice seeing cousin L with her little pooch of a belly and cousin-in-law C with her 7-month belly. My aunts greeted me as the other mother-to-be, which I thought was sweet. And true! My aunts hope to be able to get all four babies together next Christmas. What a cute picture that would make! My cousin-in-law's shower is in mid-January, and I plan to attend.

Our final Christmas event was last Saturday with Husband's family. It went like it usually did: bad food, too much alcohol and irritating relatives LOL. Unfortunately, little progress has been made with the hardwoods since we've been a bit under the weather. Oh well. It will keep.

Which brings us back to today, New Year's Eve. 2008 was an ok year. It was really busy, and I don't feel like I've had a chance to rest properly until this week. It was also very stressful. However, 2008 ends on a much different note than any of the past few years have. Last year I said that I wanted to be on the last stage of this journey: either we would be successful with surrogacy or getting ready to move on to adoption and knock on wood, I'm happy I've been able to keep that resolution. It's the little steps like that, being able to glimpse a bit of light at the end of the tunnel, that have kept me sane during this process. I feel like we have emerged from some of the darkness of the past few years. We're 18 weeks today and hopefully things will continue in 2009 as smoothly as they have so far.

May 2009 be good to us all. Have fun, be safe and I'll see you next year!

Almost 17 Weeks and Happy Holidays

It has been a busy several days! My last day of work for 2008 was last Friday, and I was busy right up until I cut off my computer. Everyone seemed to have one last "little" (usually not-so-little) change they wanted made. I may dislike my job at times and wish I didn't allow it to cause me so much stress, but I do admit that I have a pretty nice situation working for a local university. We get several days off for the holidays and then a few years ago, they started closing the university for the other days. You have to use vacation for those extra days, but it's ok to me because I would have taken those days off anyway. I took a couple extra days off and won't return to work until 1/5/09! Happily, Christmas shopping is done and gifts are wrapped. I make goodie bags for family every year and will start that baking tomorrow.

In the meantime, Husband is working on installing hardwoods in what will become the guest room. The hardwoods symbolize our first major purchase for the baby. We had truly hideous carpet in our bedroom and the other two bedrooms, and we would either need to replace the carpet or do something different, and we decided to put in hardwoods. The current guest room will become the nursery, and the empty room (the one being worked on currently) will become the guest room. Perhaps not surprisingly, the first room is taking a LOT longer than anticipated. I made a deal with Husband that if he insisted on starting this project during the holidays, I would not help him (much) because he had been insisting for months that I needed to relax. Well, installing hardwoods is not my idea of relaxation! So I've done everything to prepare for Christmas, and he's been dealing with the prep in the first room. And on top of that, we think we might have sinuses infections.

We had our second OB appointment today, and it went well. It was supposed to be a fairly routine visit, but the doctor couldn't find the baby's HB consistently with the doppler, so we had another u/s! Reassuringly, the little heart was beating nicely, and we were able to get a classic profile picture of the baby. It really looks like a baby now. It wasn't moving as much as it had been during other u/s, but it did kick its legs and I think I see toes in our picture. Unfortunately, the u/s machine wasn't good enough to detect gender, so that will wait until our Jan. 19 appointment. And F is showing! It's so cute! We'll be 17 weeks on Wednesday, and it was a nice Christmas surprise to have another u/s. We had the quad screen bloodwork drawn, and I found out that unless something really worries them, we likely won't find out the results until our next appointment. I made sure that they used my age (31) for their calculations (because F is older and would technically be considered AMA at 36).

Husband and I have 4 sets of parents between us, so Christmas has already begun. We had dinner with my father and stepmother on Saturday and then Wednesday we travel to my hometown (near Winston-Salem) to spend Christmas Eve with my mother and stepfather. We'll go to my cousin's house on Christmas for brunch and then head back to our house later that day. And then on Dec. 27 we'll have Christmas with the in-laws. It makes for an exhausting week. I'm curious about how Christmas with my family is going to go. It's my mother's side of the family that has the two pg cousins (one of whom is hosting Christmas brunch) and the cousin who just gave birth last month. I am really, really ready to be excited and talk baby stuff non-stop but then another part of me still feels anxiety when I do. I think I'm just going to have to go with what feels right. Intriguingly, all of my cousins have had or are having boys. We are the only "unknown" gender right now. I'm trying to decide if those odds favor us to have a girl or if we will make the 4th boy. F still swears all her dreams are girls. Honestly, we don't care as long as it is healthy.

I hope all of you have wonderful holidays. I hope in some way this Christmas is different, better than what you experienced last year. I bought a tiny stocking for the baby while we were at Biltmore, and I felt panicky after I bought it, but it's up and hanging over my stocking, and I just need to embrace our situation. Last year I felt a tiny bit of hope that maybe Christmas 2008 would be different, and it is. This year, I feel even more (cautious) hope that Christmas 2009 will be even more different. May it be a good holiday for us all.

Congrats to N!

I am so happy to be able to post that fellow IM N's surrogate gave birth to her twins on Monday. N and I met on another fertility board over a year ago and cycled together and experienced cycle failure together. Like me, she's an endo sufferer. I let my subscription lapse, and we fell out of touch. A few months later, a mutual friend emailed me and told me that N had decided to pursue surrogacy as well and gave me her email address. We started emailing, and it was such a great day last spring when I emailed her and found out that she was having twins via surrogacy. Her success helped me believe that surrogacy could work for us as well and that maybe it would be the answer to our prayers.

So, N, congratulations on the birth of your babies!

Movement?!?!

Greetings on this quiet (at least in my world) Wednesday! We are 15 weeks today! Sometimes I can't believe how quickly the last few weeks have passed, but I know I still have quite a bit of time to go. Yesterday, F told me that she is pretty sure she is feeling the baby move. She has felt it three times and says it feels like something is moving under her skin. This is her fifth pregnancy, so she's the expert! We were very excited to hear that he is moving.

I started back on the anti-anxiety medication on Friday and after a rough few days of being jittery and not sleeping, I think it's back in my system. I already feel calmer and more detached from some of my stressors, so I'm hoping my last few working weeks of 2008 can proceed smoothly and calmly and that I'll be able to relax over the holidays.

I went to a cookie exchange on Saturday, and it was mostly fun. I've known most of the women since 2001 when we met online planning our weddings. We soon met in person since we all live locally and have gotten together a few times a year at least since. Not surprisingly, I've pulled away from the group a little bit in the last 2 years because most of them have had babies, and it's just been too difficult. However, the cookie exchange is a tradition I try to participate in. they know about the surrogacy and eventually, the conversation moved to me and the latest news. I was a little bothered by some of their comments unfortunately. I mentioned that this baby was F's fifth pregnancy in reference to leaving some decision up to her, and one of the women commented, "So she's a pro" and then stopped, laughed and said, "She really IS a pro!" One of the women asked if F worked, and I told her that she was a SAHM and that her youngest had just started school this year. She commented, "Wow, how nice! I would love to get paid to sit and 'bake' a baby as my job!"

You can imagine my dismay. The whole conversation ruined some of my enjoyment of the day. For one thing, I bristle at the implication that surrogacy is a job and that we are F's employers. Sometimes I struggle to put into words the relationship we have with her because we are not family or friends (we didn't know her previously) and yes, we are paying her to carry our child. But it's not at all employer-employee. We're...partners? All the talk of it being a job and her being a professional seemed to cheapen our situation and relationship. I feel very protective of our surrogacy and path to parenthood.

I also feel bad because I didn't say anything to correct them when they made the comments. I've corrected people one-on-one in the past about surrogacy not being F's job, but I don't know why I didn't then. I consider this group of women to be fairly enlightened, so maybe it shocked me that they held some of the same misconceptions as others do about what surrogacy is. Also, I didn't feel completely in control of myself and responses due to the anti-anxiety medication, so I feared that my response would be less controlled than I liked. These women mean well. They are genuinely glad for us and would be upset if they knew I was hurt by their comments, so maybe that's why I didn't say anything. I guess in some ways I should be glad this situation occurred with people I like and in a fairly benign environment. It's good preparation for the comments we might receive once we announce our news at work and to the general public. Better start working on our answers...

Husband and I are headed to Asheville for the weekend on Friday for our annual trip to Biltmore House. We go almost every year for the Candlelight Christmas event and get sloshed at the winery. We've gone with friends and family in the past but really enjoy it just the two of us. I'm considering it a last hurrah for a while since we likely (hopefully!) won't be able to go next year. It's a special trip for us because we spent our honeymoon in Asheville, so it feels like an anniversary celebration every December we go.

Second Tri and NY Times Article

First of all, I hate my job. There, I've said it. I don't really hate my job as much as I hate the politics and people issues I have to deal with on a daily basis. But that's ok. I'm dealing with it and when I get my happy pills on Friday, I'll be able to deal with it even better. And I'll be able to deal with it even more in 11 days when I am on vacation for the rest of the year. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened; it's just been one of those weeks.

Anyhoo...we are 14 weeks today. I think that technically we are in the second trimester now? I know some calculators put us in the second trimester last week, but I know that we are definitely there by 14 weeks. Yay! F texted me today and told me she was going to send me a picture of her belly tonight b/c it's starting to pooch out. I can't wait to see it! She also had a pregnancy dream and told me that we had a girl who looked just like me with red peach fuzz and that her pregnancy gender dreams are never wrong. We'll know in January! I'm still referring to it as "he" to give it a gender and I'm politically incorrect having grown up in a time when "he" was the default gender neutral pronoun.

My school semester is creeping to its end as well. I'm done with one class and 90% done with the other. Our final project is a group project, and I'm waiting for a group member to submit his stuff. Then I will format it and send it off. Happily, this will be done by Friday at the latest though I had hoped to be able to finish up everything last night or today. After that, I will officially have 75% of my grad program completed. Everyone keeps asking if I will finish next year, and I smile and say "maybe" since I plan to withdraw for a year after the spring 2009 semester (withdrawing for a year stops the clock; otherwise I would lose a semester and they want you to finish within 5 years).

And now to the NY Times Magazine article about surrogacy: Her Body, My Baby by Alex Kuczynski. Several of my fellow surrogacy bloggers have blogged (fabulously I might add) about last week's NY Times article on surrogacy (N, Tabi, Kymberli), and I would like to add my two cents as well. I didn't read the comments in response to the article because I knew they would infuriate me, and in some ways, the article was bad enough. I applaud Ms. Kuczynski for putting it all out there. Her honesty was great and provided a thorough view of surrogacy from the IPs' perspective that you don't often encounter such as the crushing cycling failures and worries about feeling like a mother and even some jealousy about not being the pregnant one. I appreciated that since I think that sometimes what you read are the extreme stories of the Intended Mother (IM) resenting and envying her surrogate to the detriment of the relationship or the IM and surrogate being best friends with absolutely, positively no bad feelings or doubt. So kudos to you for that, Ms. Kuczynski.

However, ultimately I don't think that Ms. Kuczynski did the surrogacy community any favors. Her tone and comments at times were elitist (though honest). I cringed when I read that one of her reasons for picking her surrogate was because her application was word processed instead of handwritten, indicating a modicum of education and computer literacy. Ugh! Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I like to think that she was trying to dispell the notion that only poor, uneducated women become surrogates, but she ended up providing support for those surrogacy critics who believe surrogacy exploits women. It also didn't help that she made surrogacy appear to be something only the extremely wealthy could afford by flaunting her family's income, again providing support for exploitation claims.

I do not mean to insinuate the surrogacy is not expensive because it is and unfortunately the cost prevents a lot of couples from being able to pursue it. Often what gets lost is WHY surrogacy is (usually) compensated: another woman and her entire family are disrupting their lives for you for pretty much an entire year. And pregnancy is a 24/7 state. It's very easy to read some of the compensation figures and gasp, thinking negative things about both parties involved. But when you shift your thinking and start to realize all that is involved, I'm amazed compensation figures aren't higher. That said...do I wish surrogacy was free? That would be nice :-) But I also wish that I didn't have to pay thousands for an IVF cycle and medication. Or $1000 to have my cyst aspirated last summer. Or $2000 for a laparoscopy. It would also have been nice to be able to have sex and bam, positive HPT. But it is what it is.

I guess what I am trying to say is that all the surrogacy articles seem to be about rich IPs and/or less well-off surrogates. It would be great to have an article about the majority of IPs who have struggled and sacrificed and received help from family and held yard sales and bake sales and gotten second jobs to be able to attempt surrogacy, to be able to attempt to make their dream come true. These are the same people who would likely have to scrimp and save and sacrifice in order to come up with the costs for an adoption as well, yet that is somehow more acceptable. The IPs who wait years before being able to cycle because they have to save the money first. Are there rich IPs? Of course there are. But based on what I read, the majority of IPs are not. I hoped that the article's emphasis on the writer's feelings throughout the process would help the perception of surrogacy, but I have realized that is doubtful because as a surrogacy insider, I respond to her feelings but to the general public, that part of the journey is lost behind her elitist, nasty comments and the money issue.