April has truly been a very, very odd, weird, rough month and just keeps getting odder and rougher. If I believed in karma, I would think that I need to have mine cleansed.
First of all, Authentic Happiness. I attended a session on authentic happiness at our organizational development meeting on Friday, and it was a mistake. I disagreed with the facilitator's definition of happiness (a life well-lived, a life of virtue), and he rubbed me the wrong way by telling us being happy is preferable to being depressed because people don't want to be around unhappy, depressed people (don't I know it). Talk about blaming the victim! So it's my fault no one wants to be around me? No wonder my support system is lacking. Gee, let me just put on a happy face. He struck a nerve b/c that is something that has bothered me for a long time. Of course I want to be happy! But I believe happiness is a very personal thing and will differ from person to person. I also rebel against the idea that the goal is to be shiny, happy people. Bad things happen! Life isn't pretty. I'm not sure how I can overcome it to be happy right now. Not happy as he defines it. And I'm tired of people expecting us to hide any less-than-happy feelings. I believe that invalidates our situation and how we feel. Ugh.
Secondly, I arrived home to find a thick envelope like what an invitation would come in. I noticed the Georgia return address and felt a bit shaky. In November 2007, I wrote this about my best friend and her new boyfriend:
I received a bit of a shock from one of my friends yesterday. She wanted my
blessing to date a guy with whom I have some history. The three of us were very
close friends in high school, and while he and I didn't date, we have...history.
It sort of didn't end well. The two of them have remained friends, and they
recently decided to try dating, and she wanted to make sure it was ok with me. I
was floored. I never, ever expected the two of them would get together. It
doesn't really bother me, but it is weird. I believe that he has always wanted
to be with her, which sort of disconcerts me because I wonder if he ever cared
for me at all. And suddenly I'm back in high school, feeling second best to
everyone and in everything. It's odd how things work because I had already
realized that our infertility reminded me of how I felt in high school: left
out, not fitting in, weird, hoping and waiting to be in a place where I
belonged. And now my friend is dating a guy who was a big part of my high school
years. Wow. Life is strange.
I opened the envelope, expecting an invitation to their wedding. It turns out it was an announcement of their MARRIAGE. In FEBRUARY of 2008. WTF? You mean they've been married for two months and I'm only now hearing about it? How did I go from being a bridesmaid when she was engaged before to not even rating an email or phone call? I was shocked. And they've only been dating for a few months! Why the quick wedding? Ahhh, I bet she's pregnant. But my friend is rather outspoken and would have told me. What is going on? I still couldn't get past the 2 month delay in notification.
I emailed her and finally heard back from her yesterday: yep, she's pregnant. I'm assuming that's the reason for the wedding. She's also been really sick with a kidney infection, hospitalization, adverse effects to medication, etc., which is what delayed notification. I'm still stunned. Of all the people in my life, she was the last one I expected this announcement from. The history of the three of us made the situation awkward already, but add in her pregnancy, and I feel like someone slapped me. In November, I was able to find a rare empathy with her as we commiserated over feeling left out and not where you thought your life would be (her: broken engagement; me: infertility). And now only a few months later, she's got it all. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all this. He lives in NC, and she will be moving to join him in July, and his house is kind of near my mother's house in my hometown. This just keeps getting better and better.
And to make a great day even better, I had an email from our surro telling me that she found a lump in her breast. She went to the doctor immediately, and he thinks it is a fatty deposit common after childbirth, but she needs to have it aspirated and biopsied. She doesn't think it will impact our surrogacy plans. OMG! Of course her health is paramount, but what is going on? What's next?
