Today we are 35w4d. Oh, and according to the doc at our appointment on Friday, F has lost the mucus plug and is 1cm dilated. Gulp. F and the doctor are both calm and not worried or concerned, and I know these are just signs that we are moving towards labor, but Husband and I are a little freaked out :-) Sounds like we definitely will have a baby soon!
This week I feel like someone hauled me up onto a train that is moving quickly towards its final destination. All I can do is hold on, ride and accept that it is in motion and that I have neither the option of getting off nor slowing it down.
Are we ready? Hell no. Will we be? We'll be cutting it close, but I think so. Or at least close enough. The nursery and the master bedroom are freshly painted. The floors are done. He needs only to install the baseboards. He'll do the nursery first which means once we are done, I'll finally be able to arrange the furniture and start decorating.
I turned in my final project for class on Friday and am officially done. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my back, and now I can focus on finishing up the backup plan for work as well as some outsanding tasks I plan to finish as well as turning my focus to all-baby, all-the-time! I look back over that last 4 months and truly wonder where all the time went. I can't believe it is May. I can't believe that it is possible we will have a baby in about 20 days. I never anticipated how busy this year would become. Note to self: next time you go through something like this, don't take a class. It's great that I now have only 9 semester hours left in my graduate program, but I truly don't feel like I gave my best effort this semester. That's ok. It was likely good enough.
I've started to feel a little panicky about finishing up things at work, and I've decided to regroup and take control. I need to spell things out for my direct reports. I think "keep it simple" will be my mantra. My staff needs a lot of guidance, a bit more guidance than I expected, and I want to make sure things go smoothly while I'm gone. Many people express dismay about what will happen while I'm out, which feels good, but at the same time, it makes me worry. I've also had some work drama recently with one of my direct reports. He is causing me some headaches due to his feeling entitled to rewards despite not having produced much. But I need to regroup and refocus my efforts and just spell it out for him.
We have our first shower next weekend. Five friends are hosting it, and it's a book shower apparently. I say apparently because I never received an invitation and wouldn't even know what time it was being held if F hadn't told me. It's been hard to get hold of the planners. I'm a little anxious about this shower because 3 of our 4 sets of parents will be there. My mother will be there, Husband's mother, stepfather and grandmother will be there, and my father and stepmother will be there. They all will get along fine, but I'm still nervous about the dynamics. Also, F will be there. I got the impression that she wanted to come to a shower, and Husband and I decided this one would be the best one since she wouldnt' have to travel too far. F is feeling a little anxious and has reassured me a thousand times that she wants to make sure the attention is on me and Husband and not her. I really, really appreciate that and I'm also worried about how she will be treated. I don't think she will be treated badly or anything--part of the reason I invited her was because my friend K and other family members really want to meet her and honor her. I just worry that some people will ignore her out of confusion over how to talk to her or treat her. F gets anxious very easily, and I don't want her to be stressed. Her mom is coming with her, and part of the reason I agreed to inviting my mom was because she has met her and at least it will be another familiar face. I'm sure everything will be fine, but there are just several factors that make me anxious. Hopefully I'll be able to post a week from now about how wonderful the shower was and how silly I was to worry.
After a few delays, our PBO is almost complete. It will be presented to the judge on Monday or Tuesday and then we will be officially the parents of our baby boy! Next week is also a big week because we have the tour of the birthing center on Tuesday and our baby care class on Wednesday. I remember signing up for that class in late January and I cannot believe it it time to take it.
We attended the 1st birthday party for our friends K and G's little girl last night. She looked adorable and again, I can't believe that she is 1 already. We gave her books. For my friends' daughters, I get them an age-appropriate book and Anne of Green Gables to grow into since it is one of my favorite books. I was touched because our friends' families were very interested and excited about our impending arrival and peppered us with questions throughout. It's silly, but it still pleasantly surprises me that people are interested in and care for our situation. Hard to believe that this time next year we might be planning a first birthday party of our own.
After our shower next week, we have two more showers the following weekend. I fully expect the baby to come around Memorial Day. Should I go ahead and buy a few basic supplies just in case he comes earlier? I'm feeling a little unprepared.
Sorry for the rambling post. For the first time in months, I don't have school work to do, and I treated myself by cleaning both bathrooms LOL. I'd say I'm nesting, but the bathrooms really needed it. I've also had some benadryl due to allergies, so I feel a little out of it ;-)
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Home Stretch
Our appointment during week 33 went well. F continues to measure perfectly. We had a good time at lunch afterwards. I wish Husband and I could have stayed longer, but we had to return to work. I was able to stay a little bit longer and F tried so hard to get the baby to move for me. He, of course, would not oblige but was active an hour later thanks to a piece of cheesecake LOL. We tried again to feel him move last week and he again played hard to get. F feels so bad, but I keep telling her that in the scheme of things, I'd rather him be born healthy than feel him kick.
We reached 34 weeks last Wednesday. F stunned me on Friday when she told me that she thinks she is starting to lose the mucus plug. F remains confident that she still had about 4 more weeks, but I started googling "losing mucus plug" frantically. I've started to fear that we will go into labor in the next two weeks. I have absolutely no reason to feel that way other than nothing this year has gone according to plan. Hopefully I will be wrong!
The work on the house has progressed nicely. Husband has pretty much only detail work (baseboards) to finish in our room and the nursery. We had painters come out on Saturday and paint both rooms, and they lion great! The plan is to move back into our bedroom (because we are still in the living room) next weekend and be able to start decorating the nursery soon. It has been a wild few months, and I won't be sorry to see it come to an end.
The conference in Orlando went well. I was ridiculously nervous about my presentation, but it was well received AND I heard some say it was one of the best of the conference. Nice!
I am starting to feel really impatient for the baby's birth. He needs to bake a little while longer, but at the same time I am SO impatient for his arrival. I want him here with us. I found out last week that a woman with whom we cycled at our clinic had her twins 3 weeks ago at 31 weeks. The babies are doing very well, but I ask you to keep them in your prayers and/or thoughts. I also ask you to keep my coworker K in your thoughts. She is pg with IVF twins and has been on bedrest thanks to a subchoreonic hematoma. She's 18 weeks this week and worried about her babies and stressed about her job.
I had a little bit of anxiety on my way back from Florida last Wednesday when I thought of how much there was still left to do at work. I find myself entering a sort of shut-down state, though. I still plan to get stuff done, but I am starting to detach. I am so tired and feel myself accepting that work will have to muddle on without me. I want to feel confident that my staff will know what to to, but honestly, I'm running out of time and am tired. I have been working on my final project for school all weekend, and I am so looking forward to turning it in on Friday. I truly don't care about whatever grade I get. I don't mean to sound whiney, but I am ready to veg and read, relax and get ready for the baby. My energy is starting to peter out.
In a rare move for me, I decided to take Friday off. We have our next doctor's appointment that day, and I also plan to work in my flower garden. I'm really looking forward to it!
-- Post From My iPhone
We reached 34 weeks last Wednesday. F stunned me on Friday when she told me that she thinks she is starting to lose the mucus plug. F remains confident that she still had about 4 more weeks, but I started googling "losing mucus plug" frantically. I've started to fear that we will go into labor in the next two weeks. I have absolutely no reason to feel that way other than nothing this year has gone according to plan. Hopefully I will be wrong!
The work on the house has progressed nicely. Husband has pretty much only detail work (baseboards) to finish in our room and the nursery. We had painters come out on Saturday and paint both rooms, and they lion great! The plan is to move back into our bedroom (because we are still in the living room) next weekend and be able to start decorating the nursery soon. It has been a wild few months, and I won't be sorry to see it come to an end.
The conference in Orlando went well. I was ridiculously nervous about my presentation, but it was well received AND I heard some say it was one of the best of the conference. Nice!
I am starting to feel really impatient for the baby's birth. He needs to bake a little while longer, but at the same time I am SO impatient for his arrival. I want him here with us. I found out last week that a woman with whom we cycled at our clinic had her twins 3 weeks ago at 31 weeks. The babies are doing very well, but I ask you to keep them in your prayers and/or thoughts. I also ask you to keep my coworker K in your thoughts. She is pg with IVF twins and has been on bedrest thanks to a subchoreonic hematoma. She's 18 weeks this week and worried about her babies and stressed about her job.
I had a little bit of anxiety on my way back from Florida last Wednesday when I thought of how much there was still left to do at work. I find myself entering a sort of shut-down state, though. I still plan to get stuff done, but I am starting to detach. I am so tired and feel myself accepting that work will have to muddle on without me. I want to feel confident that my staff will know what to to, but honestly, I'm running out of time and am tired. I have been working on my final project for school all weekend, and I am so looking forward to turning it in on Friday. I truly don't care about whatever grade I get. I don't mean to sound whiney, but I am ready to veg and read, relax and get ready for the baby. My energy is starting to peter out.
In a rare move for me, I decided to take Friday off. We have our next doctor's appointment that day, and I also plan to work in my flower garden. I'm really looking forward to it!
-- Post From My iPhone
Monday, April 13, 2009
Still Here!
I promise I haven't disappeared. Things just stay so busy. Everything is going well on the baby front. We will be 33 weeks on Wednesday (OMG!). We have our next appointment then as well, and we are going to take F and her husband out for lunch afterwards. I feel guilty because we haven't gotten to do much socializing with them since we've been so busy with work and the never-ending floor project, but it's nice that I can keep up with her via email, texting and Facebook.
In house news, the floors in the nursery are done and all Husband needs to do now is put the baseboards on and paint. On Saturday we put together the crib. Wow. We have a crib in our house. I've been doing fairly well on the panic/anxiety front, but I did feel some panic after we put the crib together. It's mostly superstitious panic/anxiety I think, but it's still a shock to know we have a crib. And it's put together. The rest of the furniture will hopefully arrive this weekend.
I'm leaving for Orlando on Saturday for a conference. This is the same conference I attended last year at which I won the Unsung Hero award. A lot has changed in a year. This time I'm returning as a session presenter. I've never presented at a conference before! A coworker and I submitted a presentation topic on using Web 2.0 in your organization, and they accepted it. Due to budgetary constraints, my coworker can't go, so I'm presenting by myself. I'm a little nervous and feel a little unprepared. I'm also a little nervous about flying there and back. I know everything will be fine, but oh I'll feel better once I'm back in NC. On the bright side, my house is in such chaos right now due to the floors that I am looking forward to a few days away from home in a nice hotel room. The major work has shifted to our bedroom, and Husband and I (and the cats) are sleeping in the living room. It's not too bad since the tv is right there, but I'm starting to feel a little claustrophobic. Happily, this level of chaos means the flooring project is almost at an end.
I'll post more later in the week, but I wanted to check in before too many more days went by.
In house news, the floors in the nursery are done and all Husband needs to do now is put the baseboards on and paint. On Saturday we put together the crib. Wow. We have a crib in our house. I've been doing fairly well on the panic/anxiety front, but I did feel some panic after we put the crib together. It's mostly superstitious panic/anxiety I think, but it's still a shock to know we have a crib. And it's put together. The rest of the furniture will hopefully arrive this weekend.
I'm leaving for Orlando on Saturday for a conference. This is the same conference I attended last year at which I won the Unsung Hero award. A lot has changed in a year. This time I'm returning as a session presenter. I've never presented at a conference before! A coworker and I submitted a presentation topic on using Web 2.0 in your organization, and they accepted it. Due to budgetary constraints, my coworker can't go, so I'm presenting by myself. I'm a little nervous and feel a little unprepared. I'm also a little nervous about flying there and back. I know everything will be fine, but oh I'll feel better once I'm back in NC. On the bright side, my house is in such chaos right now due to the floors that I am looking forward to a few days away from home in a nice hotel room. The major work has shifted to our bedroom, and Husband and I (and the cats) are sleeping in the living room. It's not too bad since the tv is right there, but I'm starting to feel a little claustrophobic. Happily, this level of chaos means the flooring project is almost at an end.
I'll post more later in the week, but I wanted to check in before too many more days went by.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The Big 3-0
Thirty weeks as of last Wednesday! I have so many emotions: elation, panic, wonder, and excitement to name a few. Reaching 30 weeks feels like a huge milestone. He could be here in as little as 8-9 weeks! Crap! Yay!
It seems like we finally got our asses in gear and accomplished some tasks this week too. Unfortunately, that sense of accomplishment does NOT include the baby's room. We settled on a daycare yesterday and feel really good about the decision. It's 10 minutes away from both of our offices, so we can visit at lunch. It is fresh, clean, bright and roomy, which is great since we saw other daycares that looked shabby and small despite costing a lot. I feared the babies would be stepped on; they were truly that crowded. And the price is good too.
We also ordered the nursery furniture. The crib was the only piece in stock and will arrive in about 2 weeks. The dresser is back-ordered but should be available in mid-April. The nightstand won't arrive for 14 weeks. We don't have time to customize the fabric/wood for a glider (14 weeks), but fortunately, the sales lady pointed out a new floor model of a pricey chair and said
she could cut us a deal to move it. I was happy to get that chair! It is quite roomy and cushy. It is possible the baby's room might not be truly finished before he arrives, but the crib and glider are probably the two most important pieces to have.
F is doing well. She says the baby is so constantly active that she begins to worry if she doesn't feel him. She thinks he may have turned head-down in the last few days. And the heartburn has returned with a vengeance.
There has been a tiny bit of drama on Facebook recently. I joked that maternity leave would seem like a vacation from work, and I received some responses from friends expressing wonder at the idea of maternity leave being vacation. Most were tongue-in-cheek.
F hates it when people try to scare me with newborn stories, so she posted that she wished they would stop trying to scare me and that in her opinion, the hard phase is when they become mobile. Well, my cousin replied that she had to nurse her babies every 2 hours for 30 minutes at a time for 6-8 weeks and it was exhausting even though she loved it.
F took exception to my cousin's post and felt the need to defend me. I thought that was sweet. I ended up posting again to the thread about how i'm not naive and am prepared and even looking forward to the baby crying, sleeping, pooing, etc.
F and I talked about it on Tuesday. She felt bad about being snarky when she realized the problem poster was my cousin. I told her not to worry about it, and I meant it. My cousin is a bit of a know-it all and believes her way is the best and only way.
I was a little bothered by the whole situation, though, but not for the reasons you might think. I feel like what bothered me in those posts was a sense-real or not--that everyone thinks I really am disconnected from the process of having a baby. That I have NO idea what it will be like to have a newborn in the house and the sheer life upheaval in my near future. Maybe I'm being over-sensitive, but I feel like the mommy hazing is more about saying that I didn't walk through the same fires they did and haven't "earned" my mommyhood, that I am somehow not part of the club because I am not carrying the baby. I'm not an idiot! I've read and talked to others with children about what it will be like. I'm prepared for there to be difficult, hard, even awful days. I resent the implication that we are stumbling into this with no idea of what is coming. That is insulting to Husband and I and what we have been through to get here.
And then I take a step back and realize that maybe I am being over-sensitive and that mommy hazing is normal-apparently it is fun to scare the mother-to-be with baby tales. Maybe this teasing is an indication I am part of the club.
Our next doctor appointment is Tuesday! It should be a routine appointment. Husband will finish the floors in the baby's room tomorrow. Yay! Much house chaos is coming in the next few weeks as the attention turns to putting hardwoods in our bedroom. It is stuff like that that makes me look forward to sitting on the couch, rocking my baby.
I've been thinking a lot about our first few days home with the baby and who will be with us. More to come on that this week.
-- Post From My iPhone
It seems like we finally got our asses in gear and accomplished some tasks this week too. Unfortunately, that sense of accomplishment does NOT include the baby's room. We settled on a daycare yesterday and feel really good about the decision. It's 10 minutes away from both of our offices, so we can visit at lunch. It is fresh, clean, bright and roomy, which is great since we saw other daycares that looked shabby and small despite costing a lot. I feared the babies would be stepped on; they were truly that crowded. And the price is good too.
We also ordered the nursery furniture. The crib was the only piece in stock and will arrive in about 2 weeks. The dresser is back-ordered but should be available in mid-April. The nightstand won't arrive for 14 weeks. We don't have time to customize the fabric/wood for a glider (14 weeks), but fortunately, the sales lady pointed out a new floor model of a pricey chair and said
she could cut us a deal to move it. I was happy to get that chair! It is quite roomy and cushy. It is possible the baby's room might not be truly finished before he arrives, but the crib and glider are probably the two most important pieces to have.
F is doing well. She says the baby is so constantly active that she begins to worry if she doesn't feel him. She thinks he may have turned head-down in the last few days. And the heartburn has returned with a vengeance.
There has been a tiny bit of drama on Facebook recently. I joked that maternity leave would seem like a vacation from work, and I received some responses from friends expressing wonder at the idea of maternity leave being vacation. Most were tongue-in-cheek.
F hates it when people try to scare me with newborn stories, so she posted that she wished they would stop trying to scare me and that in her opinion, the hard phase is when they become mobile. Well, my cousin replied that she had to nurse her babies every 2 hours for 30 minutes at a time for 6-8 weeks and it was exhausting even though she loved it.
F took exception to my cousin's post and felt the need to defend me. I thought that was sweet. I ended up posting again to the thread about how i'm not naive and am prepared and even looking forward to the baby crying, sleeping, pooing, etc.
F and I talked about it on Tuesday. She felt bad about being snarky when she realized the problem poster was my cousin. I told her not to worry about it, and I meant it. My cousin is a bit of a know-it all and believes her way is the best and only way.
I was a little bothered by the whole situation, though, but not for the reasons you might think. I feel like what bothered me in those posts was a sense-real or not--that everyone thinks I really am disconnected from the process of having a baby. That I have NO idea what it will be like to have a newborn in the house and the sheer life upheaval in my near future. Maybe I'm being over-sensitive, but I feel like the mommy hazing is more about saying that I didn't walk through the same fires they did and haven't "earned" my mommyhood, that I am somehow not part of the club because I am not carrying the baby. I'm not an idiot! I've read and talked to others with children about what it will be like. I'm prepared for there to be difficult, hard, even awful days. I resent the implication that we are stumbling into this with no idea of what is coming. That is insulting to Husband and I and what we have been through to get here.
And then I take a step back and realize that maybe I am being over-sensitive and that mommy hazing is normal-apparently it is fun to scare the mother-to-be with baby tales. Maybe this teasing is an indication I am part of the club.
Our next doctor appointment is Tuesday! It should be a routine appointment. Husband will finish the floors in the baby's room tomorrow. Yay! Much house chaos is coming in the next few weeks as the attention turns to putting hardwoods in our bedroom. It is stuff like that that makes me look forward to sitting on the couch, rocking my baby.
I've been thinking a lot about our first few days home with the baby and who will be with us. More to come on that this week.
-- Post From My iPhone
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Chubby Cheeks, A Smile and Rumination
We had our monthly doctor's appointment on Tuesday, and it went well. F passed the one-hour GTT, and everything with the baby was great. We paid (happily) for another 3-D ultrasound, and the baby teased us for a while by keeping his fist and the cord in front of his face, but near the end, he finally cooperated and smiled for us! He was adorable. He has the chubbiest cheeks, and I think he has my chin and Husband's ears and lips. I have no idea where he gets those cheeks, though. He weighs almost 3 pounds and is 15 inches--quite a change from our last ultrasound in January when he was not quite a pound! We now transition to appointments every two weeks. I still can't believe how quickly time is passing. He will be here before we know it.
It feels weird to post such happy tidings when others have experienced some devastating occurrences lately. I'm thinking of surrogate buddies Duck and Niki and their miscarriages and Tabi's negative cycle with her surrogate. I'm also thinking of my coworker K and how she finally became pg with twins via IVF and began bleeding right before her 13 week screening last week, only to discover that she has a subchorionic hematoma and is now on bed rest at least until Wednesday. I ran into her at work as she was on her way to HR to fill out FMLA paperwork, and I was terrified b/c she was so pale and drawn. Her OB, in the helpful way all doctors have, told her that the hematoma was "normal but not common."
I'm so used to being on the unfortunate side of statistics myself that is still surprises me that we are where we are. My heart hurts for all of them. I wish there were some rhyme or reason WHY things turn out the way they do, but one thing I've learned from the past 3.5 years is that there is NO rhyme or reason. You can't promise to be a better person or list your stellar qualities. You can't do penance. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad, undeserving people. It sucks, and I wish it didn't work that way. I know that anything I have to say to Duck, Tabi or Niki would sound trite considering where I am. I just feel awful for them; they truly deserve success and happiness. We enter into surrogacy thinking it's going to be our magic bullet, and it is awful when it proves not to be--at least not the first time. The only poor advice I have to offer is to urge them not to give up, to please try again.
Oh, my friend J who became pg with her second child on her first cycle of Clomid again...she had her ultrasound on Tuesday, and it turns out she is pg with ONE baby. I cannot tell you how happy that makes me. I do not begrudge anyone their twins, but I still miss our twin. I felt like I could embrace her easily-achieved second pregnancy somewhat due to our circumstances, but if she had been pg with twins after 50mg of Clomid, I don't know how I would have reacted. Sad but true.
Hope everyone has a good weekend!
It feels weird to post such happy tidings when others have experienced some devastating occurrences lately. I'm thinking of surrogate buddies Duck and Niki and their miscarriages and Tabi's negative cycle with her surrogate. I'm also thinking of my coworker K and how she finally became pg with twins via IVF and began bleeding right before her 13 week screening last week, only to discover that she has a subchorionic hematoma and is now on bed rest at least until Wednesday. I ran into her at work as she was on her way to HR to fill out FMLA paperwork, and I was terrified b/c she was so pale and drawn. Her OB, in the helpful way all doctors have, told her that the hematoma was "normal but not common."
I'm so used to being on the unfortunate side of statistics myself that is still surprises me that we are where we are. My heart hurts for all of them. I wish there were some rhyme or reason WHY things turn out the way they do, but one thing I've learned from the past 3.5 years is that there is NO rhyme or reason. You can't promise to be a better person or list your stellar qualities. You can't do penance. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad, undeserving people. It sucks, and I wish it didn't work that way. I know that anything I have to say to Duck, Tabi or Niki would sound trite considering where I am. I just feel awful for them; they truly deserve success and happiness. We enter into surrogacy thinking it's going to be our magic bullet, and it is awful when it proves not to be--at least not the first time. The only poor advice I have to offer is to urge them not to give up, to please try again.
Oh, my friend J who became pg with her second child on her first cycle of Clomid again...she had her ultrasound on Tuesday, and it turns out she is pg with ONE baby. I cannot tell you how happy that makes me. I do not begrudge anyone their twins, but I still miss our twin. I felt like I could embrace her easily-achieved second pregnancy somewhat due to our circumstances, but if she had been pg with twins after 50mg of Clomid, I don't know how I would have reacted. Sad but true.
Hope everyone has a good weekend!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Third Trimester?!?!
I could have easily titled this post "irritation" or "frustration", but I instead decided to go with something positive. Amazingly, tomorrow we will be 28 weeks which, according to most sources, puts us in the third trimester! I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. Already? The truly frightening thing is that I'm planning based on 38 weeks because F usually doesn't make it to 40, and that is 10 weeks away from tomorrow! Eek! We are so far from being ready. We are so very NOT ready. I did register though it's a work in progress. Husband finally finished the hardwoods in the first room, capitulated and had my stepfather up to help last week and now the baby's room is halfway done. We are so behind schedule though. We haven't ordered furniture or anything. Neither of us can remember being this busy before and both decided to take this Friday off in order to get some stuff done. I need to work on some work and school stuff as well as sleep. He needs to work on floors. Together we need to work on taxes (we normally do those the first weekend in February) and baby furniture. To top it all off, my car needs $1200 in repairs, and we have been going back and forth today about whether we should bite the bullet and get something new(er). It's 11 years old and has 133k miles. It's also paid off. My big fear is that these repairs are the tip of the iceberg, but I think we just decided to repair the car and try to make it to the end of the year. Not that we want another car payment right now, but it was honestly a decision of convenience. We cannot handle making one more decision right now.
I don't mean to sound whiny. Overall, everything is great! I think we are both so freaking overwhelmed with life right now. F is doing well and sent belly pics last week; she looks awesome and told me that the baby has grown a ton b/c she is now huffing and puffing after climbing steps. We'll see her next Tuesday at our last monthly appointment and next ultrasound. I feel bad b/c we have been so busy that we haven't gotten to see her and her family very much lately.
Friends. Hmmm. I have a long overdue update on that topic. During the holidays, I kinda confronted friend K about how we feel left out and forgotten since we haven't heard from them. Friend K is the one with the almost-one-year-old, so I told her I understood that her life had changed, but that we just felt kind of forgotten. I also told her that I understood the hypocrisy of our wanting friends now but pushing people away when they were pg. This conversation stemmed from the fact that she had asked me if I had seen the previews for The Unborn, and I very tactfully told her I couldn't see that movie due to our vanishing twin. She wrote back an extremely contrite email, saying that she had realized her mistake and felt awful about it. I appreciated that. So, I emailed, K called me, we chatted, and since January, we have gotten together several times. We went to her house for dinner and then a couple of weeks ago she took me to Babies R Us to give me a mother's perspective on what I needed, and she also offered to throw me a baby shower. She is still a bit flaky, but I feel like we are repairing that relationship.
I also had a chat with friend J. To catch you up: J is married to another J who was Husband's best friend in high school, and Husband was best man at their wedding. J and I started down the IF path together when she got pg on her first cycle of clomid and I discovered that I had half a uterus and a hopelessly damaged tube. Anyway, that's been a rocky relationship. J and I met for lunch in late January, and the issue of our husbands came up. It turns out that her husband does harbor some bad feelings towards Husband. He resents that we took it personally that they "had a kid" as well as feeling like Husband pushed him away instead of letting him in to help. I was intrigued by her explanation because Husband went out of his way to ask about J and the baby whenever he talked to his friend and I guess Husband was supposed to let J know that he wanted his help? J couldn't have picked up the phone and called or emailed? Husband was supposed to do all the work? We had noticed weirdness on Husband's friend's part once they succeeded that we chalked up to survivor's guilt. It feels like the situation is at a stand-still. Husband isn't going to call his friend; his friend isn't going to call Husband. Frankly, I'm not going to force Husband to call his friend because honestly, why should we have to make all the effort? At least J and I can still email and whatnot. It was good to know, though.
Which now brings me to the irritation/annoyance part.
Irritation #1. J told me that she was on Clomid b/c they decided to go for baby #2. I was flattered she told me b/c she hadn't told anyone. Well, I emailed her last week to find out the outcome b/c the last time she and I talked, she had been convinced it didn't work, but I believed she was testing too early. I was right. Turns out that she is pg again from her FIRST Clomid cycle. Argh. Her pregnancy has stirred up a lot of feelings that I thought were buried. I'm a little down about it. It is sort of because I've been "lapped" but more because I'm worried how we will have baby #2 or if we will be able to. Unlike J, I can't pop a prescription for Clomid and have all my troubles solved. Our baby has come very dear. We have five frozen embies, and I hope, hope, hope we will be able to try surrogacy again--or even try with my poor uterus--but I wonder how we will afford it. I had told Husband last night that I wanted us to be ready to pursue something by the baby's first birthday. And it's hard not to feel a little resentful when we find out today it will cost $2500 to pursue the pre-birth-order paperwork and also pay $1200 in car repairs. I guess I just wish it were as easy for us. On the other hand, I'm actually kind of excited (deep down) about having a friend with an infant close in age. One of my big fears was that our friends would have moved on from the baby stage, and we would still be alone, so I'm excited about the possibilities for getting our babies together for playdates. I'm trying really hard to focus on that instead of my bitterness.
Irritation #2. My mother-in-law. Husband called her today to apologize for not returning her call yesterday, and she starts bitching about how she feels left out and that she wants to be part of the partying surrounding the baby. Ummm...what party? Husband and I are ridiculously busy. I put in 11-hour days every day last week. We're in meetings constantly. And on the weekend, Husband is working on the floors and until about 2 weeks ago, I had something to do every weekend. And MIL feels like copping the "I know your busy but why can't you spare some time for me" attitude? She actually said that she wants to join in the fun surrounding the baby. Um, what fun? I haven't had any fun yet. The first trimester was spent trying not to throw up from anxiety. The second trimester passed in a blur, and now the third is making me panic b/c we are so not ready. Where was she when we were looking for people to share our pain the last 3.5 years? So now she's ready to share in the happiness? JHC. We don't need this stress right now. Husband read her the riot act. I feel a little bad b/c I know she is excited, but it's not like we sit at home all day. She's retired. Must be nice! I wish I led half the life she thinks we do.
Which brings me to the topic of showers. It turns out that I might have 3 showers. I am amazed. My coworkers are throwing me a fabulous off-site shower in May. K stepped up, and she is supposed to be planning one with friend E. My mother wants to throw me one in my hometown that has morphed from a small affair at her house to a church fellowship hall function. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but we'll work it out. I don't know if any of you feel this way, but I feel really weird being the center of attention! I feel weird providing info for a shower. I'm glad (thrilled) to have them, but I just feel unworthy somehow. Does anyone else feel that way? I sort of felt like that when I was wedding planning.
But all-in-all, things are going well. 28 weeks tomorrow. We are getting close!
I don't mean to sound whiny. Overall, everything is great! I think we are both so freaking overwhelmed with life right now. F is doing well and sent belly pics last week; she looks awesome and told me that the baby has grown a ton b/c she is now huffing and puffing after climbing steps. We'll see her next Tuesday at our last monthly appointment and next ultrasound. I feel bad b/c we have been so busy that we haven't gotten to see her and her family very much lately.
Friends. Hmmm. I have a long overdue update on that topic. During the holidays, I kinda confronted friend K about how we feel left out and forgotten since we haven't heard from them. Friend K is the one with the almost-one-year-old, so I told her I understood that her life had changed, but that we just felt kind of forgotten. I also told her that I understood the hypocrisy of our wanting friends now but pushing people away when they were pg. This conversation stemmed from the fact that she had asked me if I had seen the previews for The Unborn, and I very tactfully told her I couldn't see that movie due to our vanishing twin. She wrote back an extremely contrite email, saying that she had realized her mistake and felt awful about it. I appreciated that. So, I emailed, K called me, we chatted, and since January, we have gotten together several times. We went to her house for dinner and then a couple of weeks ago she took me to Babies R Us to give me a mother's perspective on what I needed, and she also offered to throw me a baby shower. She is still a bit flaky, but I feel like we are repairing that relationship.
I also had a chat with friend J. To catch you up: J is married to another J who was Husband's best friend in high school, and Husband was best man at their wedding. J and I started down the IF path together when she got pg on her first cycle of clomid and I discovered that I had half a uterus and a hopelessly damaged tube. Anyway, that's been a rocky relationship. J and I met for lunch in late January, and the issue of our husbands came up. It turns out that her husband does harbor some bad feelings towards Husband. He resents that we took it personally that they "had a kid" as well as feeling like Husband pushed him away instead of letting him in to help. I was intrigued by her explanation because Husband went out of his way to ask about J and the baby whenever he talked to his friend and I guess Husband was supposed to let J know that he wanted his help? J couldn't have picked up the phone and called or emailed? Husband was supposed to do all the work? We had noticed weirdness on Husband's friend's part once they succeeded that we chalked up to survivor's guilt. It feels like the situation is at a stand-still. Husband isn't going to call his friend; his friend isn't going to call Husband. Frankly, I'm not going to force Husband to call his friend because honestly, why should we have to make all the effort? At least J and I can still email and whatnot. It was good to know, though.
Which now brings me to the irritation/annoyance part.
Irritation #1. J told me that she was on Clomid b/c they decided to go for baby #2. I was flattered she told me b/c she hadn't told anyone. Well, I emailed her last week to find out the outcome b/c the last time she and I talked, she had been convinced it didn't work, but I believed she was testing too early. I was right. Turns out that she is pg again from her FIRST Clomid cycle. Argh. Her pregnancy has stirred up a lot of feelings that I thought were buried. I'm a little down about it. It is sort of because I've been "lapped" but more because I'm worried how we will have baby #2 or if we will be able to. Unlike J, I can't pop a prescription for Clomid and have all my troubles solved. Our baby has come very dear. We have five frozen embies, and I hope, hope, hope we will be able to try surrogacy again--or even try with my poor uterus--but I wonder how we will afford it. I had told Husband last night that I wanted us to be ready to pursue something by the baby's first birthday. And it's hard not to feel a little resentful when we find out today it will cost $2500 to pursue the pre-birth-order paperwork and also pay $1200 in car repairs. I guess I just wish it were as easy for us. On the other hand, I'm actually kind of excited (deep down) about having a friend with an infant close in age. One of my big fears was that our friends would have moved on from the baby stage, and we would still be alone, so I'm excited about the possibilities for getting our babies together for playdates. I'm trying really hard to focus on that instead of my bitterness.
Irritation #2. My mother-in-law. Husband called her today to apologize for not returning her call yesterday, and she starts bitching about how she feels left out and that she wants to be part of the partying surrounding the baby. Ummm...what party? Husband and I are ridiculously busy. I put in 11-hour days every day last week. We're in meetings constantly. And on the weekend, Husband is working on the floors and until about 2 weeks ago, I had something to do every weekend. And MIL feels like copping the "I know your busy but why can't you spare some time for me" attitude? She actually said that she wants to join in the fun surrounding the baby. Um, what fun? I haven't had any fun yet. The first trimester was spent trying not to throw up from anxiety. The second trimester passed in a blur, and now the third is making me panic b/c we are so not ready. Where was she when we were looking for people to share our pain the last 3.5 years? So now she's ready to share in the happiness? JHC. We don't need this stress right now. Husband read her the riot act. I feel a little bad b/c I know she is excited, but it's not like we sit at home all day. She's retired. Must be nice! I wish I led half the life she thinks we do.
Which brings me to the topic of showers. It turns out that I might have 3 showers. I am amazed. My coworkers are throwing me a fabulous off-site shower in May. K stepped up, and she is supposed to be planning one with friend E. My mother wants to throw me one in my hometown that has morphed from a small affair at her house to a church fellowship hall function. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but we'll work it out. I don't know if any of you feel this way, but I feel really weird being the center of attention! I feel weird providing info for a shower. I'm glad (thrilled) to have them, but I just feel unworthy somehow. Does anyone else feel that way? I sort of felt like that when I was wedding planning.
But all-in-all, things are going well. 28 weeks tomorrow. We are getting close!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
25 Weeks
I apologize for being a blog slacker. Work has been so crazy. Every day I intend to write a long post, but it just hasn't happened. Then I come home and instead of getting my laptop, I read or surf on my iPhone. I feel a little off my routine lately.
I have a lot I want to post about, but for now I want to assure you that everything is ok! We are 25 weeks today, and everything is going well (knock on wood). We had our monthly OB appointment yesterday, and we finally got to hear the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler. It was also our first appointment without an ultrasound LOL! We have booked a 3D ultrasound at the next appointment, so we won't have to wait long to get our visual fix.
Work on the floors continues. Husband thinks he might finish the first room and progress into the baby's room this weekend. Fingers crossed.
Most of all I am shocked at the possibility of having a baby as early as 13 weeks from now. Wow. That seems like no time at all. I have started to read baby books (nothing really constructive I'm afraid), but we have so much to do. I consider myself a fairly anal person, but one thing about expecting via surrogacy is the slight disconnection from the life change about to happen. I need to visit daycares, interview pediatricians, register, etc. Somehow we managed to allow ourselves to put off these steps as long as possible and now we have a lot of work to do.
I have noticed lately that we seem to have turned a corner in our thinking so that (most) pregnant people and storylines don't bother us like they used to. I am not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, it is nice to be able to enjoy baby things and consider yourself a part of it. On the other hand, it makes me feel weird to focus on baby things. Things feel the same yet very different at the same time.
-- Post From My iPhone
I have a lot I want to post about, but for now I want to assure you that everything is ok! We are 25 weeks today, and everything is going well (knock on wood). We had our monthly OB appointment yesterday, and we finally got to hear the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler. It was also our first appointment without an ultrasound LOL! We have booked a 3D ultrasound at the next appointment, so we won't have to wait long to get our visual fix.
Work on the floors continues. Husband thinks he might finish the first room and progress into the baby's room this weekend. Fingers crossed.
Most of all I am shocked at the possibility of having a baby as early as 13 weeks from now. Wow. That seems like no time at all. I have started to read baby books (nothing really constructive I'm afraid), but we have so much to do. I consider myself a fairly anal person, but one thing about expecting via surrogacy is the slight disconnection from the life change about to happen. I need to visit daycares, interview pediatricians, register, etc. Somehow we managed to allow ourselves to put off these steps as long as possible and now we have a lot of work to do.
I have noticed lately that we seem to have turned a corner in our thinking so that (most) pregnant people and storylines don't bother us like they used to. I am not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, it is nice to be able to enjoy baby things and consider yourself a part of it. On the other hand, it makes me feel weird to focus on baby things. Things feel the same yet very different at the same time.
-- Post From My iPhone
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