Anticipation and Impatience

First of all, here's a picture of the cookies I made with my fall cookie cutters. The cooler weather has really made it feel like fall, and I love it! I plan to make more cookies this weekend and finally use my Halloween cookie cutters.

I wanted to thank you all for the comments on my previous post. You all were right about how I need to "own" the pregnancy as my own. I've been thinking a lot about that and have made progress on that front. As suggested by N, I've been thinking about starting a blog for my family and RL friends where I can post updates and pics as things progress. I'm unsure how receptive my family will be from a technology point of view, but I know some will be comfortable with the idea of a blog. We'll see. At any rate, it will be a nice way for me and Husband to preserver the journey.

We are 8 weeks today. This time next week will have had our u/s and know what's going on in F's uterus! I hope desperately it's a good appointment. She's still feeling quite sick and tired, which I cling to though I know that doesn't necessarily mean everything is ok. I've been telling myself for weeks that I'd allow myself to believe, to hope, to get a little excited after the u/s. I've stuck with that. I haven't looked at clothes or furniture. The only acknowledgement I have made is to start researching daycare LOL! Even though I've tried to remain somewhat at arms length, I can feel myself relaxing more and more each week. I am so ready to be able to accept this and start planning, to get my head out of the sand. I haven't read a thing yet on planning or parenting or anything baby-related, which is very unusual for me. Please, please let me be able to make that transition. Please let our appointment go well. I'm so ready for it!

Have any of you been reading the series of articles on surrogacy in the St. Petersberg Times? I'm interested to know how others feel about the articles. I'm conflicted. It's a decent series and handles the topic pretty well overall and puts a human face on surrogacy via the surrogate. I'm a little bothered by the language used: professional surrogate, the IM contemplated "getting rid" of her current surrogate and egg donor, the constant emphasis on cost. The language just seems carelessly chosen, and I wonder at the motivation of the reporter and how much she delved into the surrogacy community before writing it. I wonder if it will do more harm than help the perception most people have of surrogacy.

Can't Speak

Isn't it funny how when the event on which you have been waiting for years finally happens, your secondary reaction is terror? Now that the initial jubilation has passed, I am terrified of something going wrong. The terror manifests itself in my reluctance to speak or write about our status for fear of jinxing it. I have wanted to post for days but haven't been able to. Every time I do talk it about it, I feel like begging whatever deity may or may not control the universe not to punish me for my audacity.

Ugh. It's going to be a long 34 weeks. I'm going to talk about it tentatively here. According to those due date calculators, we are 6 weeks along today. I have a tiny "6" noted on our kitchen calendar but can't bring myself to number the following weeks. Maybe I can do the "7" this weekend. F tells me that she feels sick and tired and already has difficulty buttoning her jeans (this is her 5th pg). Good stuff I hope!

Husband and I worked in the yard over the weekend, and I think for the first time in years we both felt a sense of calmness and accomplishment as well as energy because we were tackling projects that we had wanted to for a while as well as just having energy to live vs. energy that just keeps us going. I bought fall cookie cutters and made sugar cookies. I love the fall. Adore it. I love decorating and cooking and planning for the holidays but as the IF crap intensified, I went through the motions each fall, but it wasn't the same. I remember posting this time last year about how I felt myself getting excited for Halloween and then wondering what the point was. I enjoyed making those cookies last week, and silly as it is, those cookies symbolize that maybe, just maybe things really will be different. Last week and this week I was truly able to enjoy the season. Hopefully next week I will be able to as well.