Can't Speak

Isn't it funny how when the event on which you have been waiting for years finally happens, your secondary reaction is terror? Now that the initial jubilation has passed, I am terrified of something going wrong. The terror manifests itself in my reluctance to speak or write about our status for fear of jinxing it. I have wanted to post for days but haven't been able to. Every time I do talk it about it, I feel like begging whatever deity may or may not control the universe not to punish me for my audacity.

Ugh. It's going to be a long 34 weeks. I'm going to talk about it tentatively here. According to those due date calculators, we are 6 weeks along today. I have a tiny "6" noted on our kitchen calendar but can't bring myself to number the following weeks. Maybe I can do the "7" this weekend. F tells me that she feels sick and tired and already has difficulty buttoning her jeans (this is her 5th pg). Good stuff I hope!

Husband and I worked in the yard over the weekend, and I think for the first time in years we both felt a sense of calmness and accomplishment as well as energy because we were tackling projects that we had wanted to for a while as well as just having energy to live vs. energy that just keeps us going. I bought fall cookie cutters and made sugar cookies. I love the fall. Adore it. I love decorating and cooking and planning for the holidays but as the IF crap intensified, I went through the motions each fall, but it wasn't the same. I remember posting this time last year about how I felt myself getting excited for Halloween and then wondering what the point was. I enjoyed making those cookies last week, and silly as it is, those cookies symbolize that maybe, just maybe things really will be different. Last week and this week I was truly able to enjoy the season. Hopefully next week I will be able to as well.