9/9/09-belated

AKA my birthday! I'm so amused by the date this year. I remember that it was somewhat of a big deal in 1999 too when the date was 9/9/99.

I'm 32 this year. 32. I remember when 32 seemed old but yet it also seems so young. I can tell the demographics at work are changing slightly. I've worked at my present place of employment for 9 years. For most of that time, I was the youngest full-time employee. In the last few years, we've added a few employees who are several years younger. It's not a big deal, but there is a decent-sized gap between me and the next oldest employee too. Sometimes being a member of either the last years of Gen X or the first years of Gen Y is pretty lonely.

But I digress. It's been a pretty quiet birthday, and I don't mind. Not surprisingly, my attitude towards my birthday was different this year. I felt much more serene and perfectly happy to do little celebrating. In the past few years, I felt like my birthday was one of the few things I had and needed to cling to it, counting cards and emails and hoping I would be remembered. This year? Eh...not so much. I still wanted my birthday acknowledged, but I didn't need it to be so. I attribute this change to Daniel obviously. I feel ok. Calm. Happy.

Happy is a weird place for me. I've always been one of those half-empty, cynical people. For the most part, I still am. But overall I feel so full. So calm. Serene and tranquil. I roll my eyes as I type those words because they seem so absurd and cliche. But it is how I feel. I feel grounded. And delighted.

Sometimed I wonder when the warm, fuzzy feelings will abate. I feel infatuated and wonder when that will wear off. I'm not saying I want it to, but I wonder when I will start finding a behavior or stage irritating and feel that I can and must address it for "my child" and not "precious miracle baby."

Eh, a bit heavy topic for tonight! Work has gone well. Everyone has told me how happy they are to see me and glad that I am back. There is a ton to do, so I'm kept busy and that helps. MIL is having a great time with Daniel. She sends us the cutesy emails about his activities every day. It's a great situation, and I'm glad it is working so far.

Daniel might be teething. He is drooling a lot and constantly has his fist in his mouth. He is very chatty! He is still flirting with sleeping through the night. He is grabbing at things and trying to pull himself up. His grins slay me!

Recently I discovered that F placed a new ad on SurroMoms' classifieds forum. I was a little shocked because she had stated over and over that she wasn't going to look for a new couple but would work again with only us and her previous couple. I shouldn't be bothered by it because she is free to do what she wants, but it still feels weird. She is still pumping for us, and I'm not going to ask about the ad. I wish her luck in whatever she pursues, but it sort of feels like what you feel when your ex starts dating someone else lol.

And can I say how exhausted I am? Working and coming home and taking care of D is exhausting. He is an angel, and we are so happy, but it is still exhausting. I've started thousands of blog posts that I've never finished. But it's a wonderful time. I want to post more and hope to do so. I try to go to bed by 11 at the latest and since MIL meets me at work, there is no snoozing for me. And we are usually out of bed and having coffee by 9am most weekends. That is a HUGE change for us, but it is nice too because I feel like we have much more time to get stuff done.

Life is different but wonderful. Fall is our season, and Husband and I are truly looking forward to this one.


-- Post From My iPhone

Back to Work

I apologize again for the delay in posting. It's just been hard to find the time or energy to post. Daniel is quite a dynamo!

Amazingly and sadly, tomorrow is my first day back at work. I can't believe it has been 12 weeks already. The summer is almost over! September is mere days away! Daniel will be 12 weeks on Tuesday and 3 months on September 2. I've enjoyed these last 12 weeks so much. It's not an option for me to stay home, and in some ways, I feel relief that the choice is made for me. I don't know what I would choose otherwise.

Daniel is great. He is a robust 11 pounds, 14 ounces as of Thursday...a whole 5 pounds, 4 ounces more than he weighed at birth! I think he's about to outgrow many of his 0-3 months outfits. Suddenly it has hit me that my baby boy is getting big!

He is cooing and chatting up a storm. I love it. We talk all day. I sing to him, and it is so rewarding when he gives me a big grin in response. Ohhhhh he is precious!

I don't deal well with change in general, so that's part of my nervousness about tomorrow. In some ways, it feels like the first day of school. I know there have also been a ton of changes at work, and the effort required to reacquaint myself with them and force my brain into work-mode seems exhausting. But I think it will be nice at the same time which of course is part of the problem. Thankfully I am working half days my first week back, so that will help the transition.

Our daycare situation has changed in that my MIL has volunteered to watch Daniel, and we accepted. It was completely unexpected, but she and my step-FIL as well as her parents are super excited about it because they didn't get this much time with their other grandchild and are excited to be able to spend time with D. We're going to pay her, but it still will come out way less than daycare. We were really lucky. I'm not 100% convinced the situation is going to work out due to Husband's grandmother's health problems. My MIL is an only child, and I wonder if she will need to take care of Husband's grandmother, but it is extremely important to Husband's grandmother that D not go to daycare, so we'll play it by ear for now. I had a minor freak out a few weeks ago about D in daycare and worrying about whether the staff would comfort him when he cried (silly I know since we loved the daycare we had selected), so I'm happy for Daniel to be with family for at least a little while.

There has been some drama with my mother over Daniel staying with MIL. Argh. I'm not sure what to make of my mother. She was great when we brought him home (cooking and cleaning non-stop) but over the 4th she read Twilight practically the entire time and then whined about how she hadn't gotten to spend any time with him. She then wanted desperately to come up again, and we settled on a date only for her to decide to reschedule at the last minute. We decided on early August, and they were running late to the point where they didn't arrive until almost 2pm. It was kind of weird considering all I had been hearing was how much she and my stepfather longed to see him again. He was napping when they arrived.

I told her gently about Husband's mom keeping D instead of him going to daycare (and it's kind of absurd that I felt the need to tiptoe around this revelation at all) and while she was supportive of that, she became maudlin. The quantity of alcohol she consumed didn't help. She went outside and cried, later informing us she was having a bit of a pity party. She barely held D, only talking to him and then whining that he wasn't going to know them. I think she went outside to cry a few more times. Keep in mind at this point he was about 9 weeks old...he had barely started to recognize and respond even to Husband at this point. D starts crying late in the afternoon like hungry, sleepy babies do, and we were trying to feed, change and put him to bed. My mother and stepfather followed us everywhere---even into our bedroom where D's Pack N Play is--and tried to help, handing us diapers and just generally getting in the way. It was so annoying that we finally shooed everyone out. My mother proceeded to make a mess in the kitchen cooking (we had originally planned to go out to eat but she decided to bring food). Around 10pm, I absconded to the bedroom where Husband already was keeping guard over the baby. He was furious. We rounded up the cats and locked the door, all 6 of us sleeping in the bedroom because we didn't trust my mother not to try to come in and see Daniel.

Argh. It's a weird situation. I believe my mother loves her grandson, but my stepfather keeps mentioning how she's trying to get used to having a grandson instead of a granddaughter and will have to figure out what to do with him. In April when he said that I didn't pay too much attention because it may have been a one-off comment but he has repeated it several times since then. She doesn't interact with D much though. She doesn't hold him much but instead spends time looking over patterns to make him a christening gown or reading. I can't decide if she truly has a problem with him being a boy or just isn't good with babies. It's hard because she tells me she wishes she were closer and saw him more and that they have my cousin bring over her baby boy (less than 1 month older than D) so they can get their baby fix. I feel like they get their "fix" satisfied to the point where they don't even need to hold D.

The one bright spot is that I have always rather cow-towed to my mother due to her unpredictability, and I wondered if I would be able to stand up to her once D was here, and I was reassured to discover that yes, I could. I went into Mama Bear mode. HE is my priority and HE gives me the strength to stand up to her. I don't want him to have to worry about any of this crap.

Fingers crossed tomorrow and the rest of the go smoothly! My hair has been cut and my toes freshly polished :-) Hopefully that helps give me strength.

An Update...Finally!

I have been trying to post for weeks, but Daniel has been keeping my hands full literally! I have a moment now while he's listening to the mobile in the Pack N Play.

Daniel will be 6 weeks old on Tuesday--hard to believe!--and things are going well! At his one month check-up, he had gained almost 2 pounds and weighed 8 pounds, 5 ounces (birth weight was 6 pounds, 7 ounces). The pediatrician keeps worrying me slightly by saying he should be eating around 5 ounces per feeding at this point, and he's eating around 3.5, but he's growing, so that's the important thing I guess. He is sleeping pretty well at night, going down for a 4-hour stretch and then a few 3-hour stretches. He wants to eat almost every 3 hours on the dot; he's better than any alarm clock at letting us know he's hungry!

He's a pretty laid-back baby, which we enjoy. He has had a few fussy periods, especially in the afternoon, but so far, nothing too bad! He is starting to coo and wiggle a lot. He is smiling, but so far he hasn't really smiled AT us in response. I'm hoping for one any day now!

Happily, the cats pretty much leave him alone. They aren't scared of him at all and will come and sniff him but move when he wiggles.

It's been a great 6 weeks! We switched him to breast milk at around 2 weeks, and he transitioned smoothly. We have enjoyed watching his cheeks firm up, and I think he has his daddy's blue eyes. We've gotten out of the house some. His first non-doctor trip was to the library! He has been to the grocery store, Target, a local bakery, work, and a baby shower.

It took his belly button three full weeks to fall off, and boy, was it stinky!!! I was so glad when it fell off. We had been keeping him in t-shirts to let it air out, so as soon as it fell off, I whisked him into a onesie. He is still wearing newborn sizes, but I suspect that won't last too much longer!

Almost all of our family members have met him, and it's been great seeing how excited they are to hold him and get to know him. My MIL feels pretty excluded from my nephew's life, so she really welcomes the chance to be a grandmother to Daniel. He is staying with her on Monday evening, and she went right out and bought a Pack N Play of her own in preparation. My mother has declared she will have to come up at least once a month.

I think Husband and I have adapted pretty well to have a small baby in the house. Each day certainly is different! I've probably cooked more meals in the past few weeks than I did in the last 6 months while we were putting in the floors LOL. We eat a lot of takeout, never fear! Never a dull moment! I'm already dreading returning to work, but I'm thankful that I still have 6 more weeks.

It's just been amazing and great. He changes each day, and I love noticing the changes.

I'll try to update more frequently from now on! Oh, I also wanted to thank all of you for support over the circumcision judgment. It meant a lot to me that you all support our right to make our own decision for our child the way we see fit. I really, really appreciated it!

Ah, Let the Judgment Begin

I have received two comments recently from anonymous posters not only questioning but openly criticizing us for having Daniel circumcised. When I read the first one, I simply gritted my teeth and deleted it. The second one, however, I feel compelled to leave up and to respond to, especially since there were a few personal attacks involved. It's probably not the best idea; I should probably turn the other cheek and let sleeping dogs lie and all that, but I'm up and reasonably coherent. Of course, I'm sure this post will fall on deaf ears or blind eyes since I doubt the two posters will ever return to read it, but maybe I'll be surprised.

First of all, my husband and I chose to circumcise our son for our own reasons. We researched it and talked to other parents of boys, both those who had and hadn't circumcised theirs. We are well-versed in the arguments for and against; I am confident we made a well-reasoned decision. It was our choice to make, and we made it. Therefore, I'd appreciate no further comments on the matter. If you chose not to circumcise your son and/or believe that it is equivalent to female genital mutilation, that is your prerogative. We do not. I am sure that there are choices you make in your life that I would consider horrific. The circumcision discussion is closed.

Now, as for you, dear Anonymous (how clever of you not to use any sort of identity. How brave of you! Or more truthfully, how cowardly), never question my desire for my son and my happiness, nay, elation and exhilaration to have him with me. At last. After four horrible, dark years. I love him more than I ever knew was possible.

If my post on the hospital experience came off as whiny, that was not the intent. Perhaps you, dear Anonymous, have never been through a surrogacy journey. There are many, many complex emotions involved as well as many hoops to jump through. As an Intended Mother, I had to give up carrying my own child and get over any issues with watching another women carry my child, worrying constantly whether she was taking care of herself (needlessly but that's just how it goes). I had to deal with everyone always asking if the baby was biologically ours before they sighed with relief and sort of gave their blessing to what we were doing. No matter how wonderful your surrogate is and how close the relationship, there is no getting past the fact that one of the seminal events of your life--having a baby--doesn't involve only you and your spouse but includes at least one other person as well. It is stressful.

In order to pursue and navigate our surrogacy journey, Husband and I pretty much had to project manage it. Find out the tests both we and F needed, deal with the attorney, etc. In short, we had to get a lot of ducks in a row. Imagine our distress to get to the hospital and find out that all of the organization and plans we were told we had to make were moot because the hospital apparently didn't know anything. We felt like we did our part. We got our documentation together. We had called people to check and re-check needs and procedures. And then we were still met with confusion.

Honestly, the confusion over our surrogacy situation didn't bother us as much as the other stuff; we're used to confusion about surrogacy after all ;-) What really bothered us was the level of incompetence and overall befuddlement the nurses displayed about seemingly routine matters. F picked the hospital--a large hospital with a nice birthing center--because she had given birth there four times before and recommended it. Even F's husband was commenting on how off the hospital was this time.

It's not about the room we were in. I don't expect luxury from a freaking hospital (though one of the birth center rooms would have been a LOT nicer). I do, however, expect competence from people whose job it is to take care of you and get you what you need. THAT is what seemed to be lacking, and THAT is what made the hospital experience less than optimal.

Maybe this post is for nothing and it likely won't change your impression of me as a whiney brat who chooses to bitch about "trivial" matters instead of somehow proving she loves her new baby. I at least feel better. The bottom line is that you, dear Anonymous, were not in the hospital with us, did not experience the ups and downs of the last 9 months or the last 4 years. You can believe me that the hospital wasn't the greatest experience or you can continue to think that I am whining. Oh well.

If you'd like to continue this conversation, feel free to email me.

I'm off to cuddle my baby and feed him his bottle (oh yeah. I didn't induce lactation either but rest assured that he will be starting breast milk next week once F has a good supply build up. Care to chastise me for my failings there as well?).

I don't mind dissent, but there is a difference between dissent and out-and-out meanness, especially when you haven't walked in my shoes.

Birth Story Cont'd: Post-Partum

The rest of our time at the hospital was mixed and stressful unfortunately. N was right on in her comment to a post before Daniel was born. This hospital delivers tons of babies every day, but I swear there were moments where I wondered if they had ever delivered a baby before. This hospital has a public cord blood center on-site, yet they found our private cord blood collection kit confusing. I hope we were able to get some usable cells, but who knows. It took us forever to be moved from the delivery room to a post-partum room, and when we were, we were moved to the overflow area in the main hospital instead of one of the nice rooms in the birth center. It felt weird and somehow not right wheeling our newborn in his isolette down a long hall, into an elevator, and down another hall.

This wing of the hospital was apparently undergoing construction because almost as soon as we got into the room, we could hear very loud hammering and scraping that at time sounded like the workers would be coming through the ceiling. The nurses apologized profusely, informing us they had no idea construction would be going on when they reopened that floor. Hours later we were finally moved to another room down the hall.

When we explained the surrogacy situation to the nurses, they looked at each other, baffled, and one said, “Oh, We’ve never encountered that situation before. We’ll have to think about how to handle it.” Feeling good and confident at this point! They were obviously confused about whether they needed to address me or F about Daniel’s circumcision and other issues that needed a parent’s signature. One of the nurses commented that even though we were the parents, there might be some legal issues involved that necessitated F signing. F and her husband and Husband and I whipped out our PBOs at that point and told the nurse we had legal documentation. The infuriating thing was that F had delivered her previous surro baby at this hospital 1.5 years ago and I also doubt that we have been the only other case they’ve encountered since then.

The birth certificate lady informed us the state needed another certified copy of our PBO for us to be named parents on the birth certificate (never mind the fact that the hospital had one that they apparently weren’t using since they were clueless). So, instead of getting to spend lots of time with baby boy, Husband had to call the attorney to get another certified copy. He also had to deal with getting the hospital to finish up the cord blood kit procedure, which we had been told would be no big deal.

We left our house so quickly that we didn’t think to grab a few bottles. The hospital provided formula and huge bottle nipples, noting that all babies look like they are choking on them. Um, ok. F was pumping as well, and we wanted to use the colostrum but didn’t have any bottles to put it in. And apparently neither did the hospital. The nurse finally found something that would work, acting like she was doing us a huge favor. Daniel took an ounce of formula early on but refused to take anything else using the large nipples. We tried to feed him the colostrum via a syringe, which didn’t go that well. I wasn’t too concerned about his intake at that point since I had read that newborns actually don’t need much nourishment the first couple of days although that was constantly contradicted by nurses coming in to tell me he needed to eat every 3-4 hours.

When we left, F was in the wheel chair, and the nurse told us that Daniel would have to be wheeled out as well. She was perplexed by what to do since apparently they have only one wheelchair in the entire ginormous hospital; we again heard the now-familiar “I’ll have to figure out how to do this.” She wanted us to take the baby out of his car seat and put him back in the isolette for the trip downstairs, but I refused because he was strapped in and recovering from his circumcision, and I wasn’t going to bother him again. We finally agreed on F holding the car seat on her lap as they wheeled her out.

Amazingly, the only thing that went smoothly was discharge. F had terrified me by telling us that it may take us hours to be discharged, but the hospital was on the ball with that thankfully. I think I would have lost my mind having to sit there any longer.

I don’t want to give the impression that Daniel’s birth was a horrible experience. His birth was wonderful although a bit shocking, fast and terrifying! He was a wonderful baby in the hospital, and I was thankful for my quiet, cooing baby when the baby next door cried all day and all night long (something I could hear clearly all the way on the other side of our room). No, our main irritation was with the hospital and their disorganization.

I have to admit that the whole situation was a bit awkward overall. F was great and never did anything that made me feel weird. It was just that the rooms were small and people were coming in and out and I felt like I had to be “on” 24/7. Husband and I had an important role in this drama since we were the parents of the newborn, but F was the patient. We had no privacy. She had no privacy. The chairs weren’t comfortable. The futon was not ideal for sleeping. I don’t think I went to the bathroom for hours b/c you could hear everything in the room. We were new parents trying to figure out what the hell to do when the baby cried or needed a diaper change, and we had to do it in front of everyone. And never mind the fact that we were feeling a little emotional ourselves since we had just achieved our heart’s desire after 4 long years.

When we first arrived in the post-partum room, the nurses were being unhelpful, F was eating, I was starving and tired, I told Husband that I was about to lose it and I didn’t think I could stay there that night which made me feel awful since that meant leaving my precious newborn in the nursery. I calmed down a bit once I fed the baby, and it was quiet for a while. Then our pediatrician came in and told us that if the baby was doing well, we could be discharged after 24 hours. That then became my goal. If I could get to that, I’d be fine b/c all I wanted to do was go home and be with Husband and Daniel.

The evening went better because we had friends visit. F insisted that she had no problems with any visitors we wanted and to treat the room as our room. F’s parents brought her kids to see the baby later on and finally, everyone, including F’s husband and Husband left around 10:30, and we were alone. Daniel was a bit fussy around midnight and wouldn’t be quieted, and F and I had some nice moments trying to figure out what was going on and her showing me a few tricks. I finally gave in and let the nurse take him to the nursery since all I was doing was watching him, and I was exhausted.

We left the hospital at 1pm on Wednesday, the day after he was born. We felt exhilarated and jubilant as we snapped his car seat in the car and headed home. I kept looking over at my beautiful baby boy, and he makes it all worth it.

Daniel's Birth Story

I'm just now able to organize my thoughts about our birth experience as well as have the opportunity to get my laptop. I can do a lot with my iPhone but typing a detailed birth story is not one of them! I have two long posts about this, and it's rather stream of consciousness (probably due to fatigue!), so please forgive any rambling or lack of coherence :-)

Last Monday F told me she hadn’t felt good most of the day and was having irregular contractions again, but neither of us thought anything of it. I think we both wondered if she would make the induction date and thought it was very possible he might arrive on his own the following weekend. We texted each other Monday night for a while, and I went to bed around 11. She baked a cake. Next thing I know, I was awakened by the phone ringing at 4:11 am Tuesday morning. I didn’t get to it in time, but then my cell phone started ringing. My heart was thumping b/c I knew there were very few reasons for phone calls at 4am. I answered my cell phone, and R, F’s husband, told me that they were on the way to the hospital. Like a moron, I responded, “Really?” (hey, it was 4am) and said that we’d see them there ASAP. I calmly told Husband that F was in labor. We jumped out of bed and got ready.

We didn’t dawdle, but we didn’t exactly set any speed records for getting ready because we both assumed we’d have a few hours of labor before us (F’s previous labor was 6 hours). We were on the road by 5:30 and at the hospital by about 5:45 (Husband did set a few speed records on the interstate).

I think it’s safe to say that neither of us was prepared for what we were about to see and experience. You see, when we arrived, F was already 7-8 cm dilated. She had been at the hospital for only about 15-20 minutes longer than us. F was in obvious pain, and they couldn’t give her an epidural until her labs returned. We called only our moms and tried to make ourselves as inconspicuous as possible because the situation felt awkward and uncomfortable. I’m not squeamish. I knew that labor is a messy, painful business (I’ve seen The Miracle of Life after all), but it was shocking to walk in and find F in active labor and at the height of contraction pain. All along, the only thing she had said she wanted for labor was an epidural. It is awful watching someone in so much pain, knowing that it’s because of you. It was so stressful that at times, I wanted to flee the room and throw up in the bathroom. But I didn’t. I wanted to touch her and reassure her, hand her ice chips if she wanted them, but I didn’t feel comfortable doing so, as if I would be intruding.

F progressed rapidly to 9cm, and the nurse announced that delivery would be soon. They broke her water and discovered that it contained meconium. The doctor told us that she would cut the baby’s cord and try not to agitate him too much so he wouldn’t cry as much and ingest the meconium before she could have him suctioned. F was able to get her epidural and then the doctor started making worried comments about the baby’s heart rate being lower than she’d like. She even mentioned an emergency c-section if things didn’t improve quickly. At that point, I really was ready to throw up because I felt so helpless at the thought that our baby boy was in distress or having a problem and was so scared and terrified.

Finally, F was ready to push, and the doctor told her that a c-section was still a possibility and to push a hard as she could to get him out as quickly as she could. Three pushes later, Daniel made his appearance. It was 6:48 am and F had been in labor for about 3 hours total. He cried a little, the doctor cut the cord, and the nurses suctioned him thoroughly. They then swaddled him and handed him to me. We have a great picture of me holding him at this point with a somewhat awed and befuddled expression on my face LOL.

F was great. Almost immediately after delivery, she was calm and in obvious relief. Labor and delivery had progressed so rapidly that she hadn’t torn or anything. Not 30 minutes later she told me that she hoped we wanted to pursue a sibling project with her in a few years! Amazing! And Daniel’s head hadn’t been compressed and looked beautiful.

I didn’t cry. I almost did though. I felt so relieved and happy, and he was so beautiful. The nurse gave him a bath (which he hated) and told me he scored an 8 & 9 on his Apgar tests, which relieved me greatly.

I still can't get over how fast the birth happened. I don't think it went the way the four of us intended or thought it would go. I think we all thought we would ease into labor instead of being close to delivering almost immediately. I also still haven't gotten over my worry and fear for Daniel when his heart rate was low. They gave F oxygen during delivery and pronounced Daniel to be perfect, but you better believe I spent some time Googling "fetal distress" and future outcomes. Guess I better get used to worrying about him? I did it when he was in utero, and I guess it will only get worse!

Daniel!

Just a quick post that Daniel James Gordon H. made his appearance at 6:48 am yesterday morning. He's 6 pounds 7 ounces and 20 inches long. He's adorable! F is doing well after a sudden and quick 3-hour labor. I think she pushed for about 2 minutes and he was out!

I'll post a fuller birth story later. There were some scary moments, but everyone is doing well. I've changed three diapers and elicited two burps :-) Daddy is in love :-)

We are hoping to go home today if the pediatrician lets us. I'm ready to take him home and start settling in.

Soooo glad my tiny peanut is here!


-- Post From My iPhone