Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Big 3-0

Thirty weeks as of last Wednesday! I have so many emotions: elation, panic, wonder, and excitement to name a few. Reaching 30 weeks feels like a huge milestone. He could be here in as little as 8-9 weeks! Crap! Yay!

It seems like we finally got our asses in gear and accomplished some tasks this week too. Unfortunately, that sense of accomplishment does NOT include the baby's room. We settled on a daycare yesterday and feel really good about the decision. It's 10 minutes away from both of our offices, so we can visit at lunch. It is fresh, clean, bright and roomy, which is great since we saw other daycares that looked shabby and small despite costing a lot. I feared the babies would be stepped on; they were truly that crowded. And the price is good too.

We also ordered the nursery furniture. The crib was the only piece in stock and will arrive in about 2 weeks. The dresser is back-ordered but should be available in mid-April. The nightstand won't arrive for 14 weeks. We don't have time to customize the fabric/wood for a glider (14 weeks), but fortunately, the sales lady pointed out a new floor model of a pricey chair and said
she could cut us a deal to move it. I was happy to get that chair! It is quite roomy and cushy. It is possible the baby's room might not be truly finished before he arrives, but the crib and glider are probably the two most important pieces to have.

F is doing well. She says the baby is so constantly active that she begins to worry if she doesn't feel him. She thinks he may have turned head-down in the last few days. And the heartburn has returned with a vengeance.

There has been a tiny bit of drama on Facebook recently. I joked that maternity leave would seem like a vacation from work, and I received some responses from friends expressing wonder at the idea of maternity leave being vacation. Most were tongue-in-cheek.

F hates it when people try to scare me with newborn stories, so she posted that she wished they would stop trying to scare me and that in her opinion, the hard phase is when they become mobile. Well, my cousin replied that she had to nurse her babies every 2 hours for 30 minutes at a time for 6-8 weeks and it was exhausting even though she loved it.

F took exception to my cousin's post and felt the need to defend me. I thought that was sweet. I ended up posting again to the thread about how i'm not naive and am prepared and even looking forward to the baby crying, sleeping, pooing, etc.

F and I talked about it on Tuesday. She felt bad about being snarky when she realized the problem poster was my cousin. I told her not to worry about it, and I meant it. My cousin is a bit of a know-it all and believes her way is the best and only way.

I was a little bothered by the whole situation, though, but not for the reasons you might think. I feel like what bothered me in those posts was a sense-real or not--that everyone thinks I really am disconnected from the process of having a baby. That I have NO idea what it will be like to have a newborn in the house and the sheer life upheaval in my near future. Maybe I'm being over-sensitive, but I feel like the mommy hazing is more about saying that I didn't walk through the same fires they did and haven't "earned" my mommyhood, that I am somehow not part of the club because I am not carrying the baby. I'm not an idiot! I've read and talked to others with children about what it will be like. I'm prepared for there to be difficult, hard, even awful days. I resent the implication that we are stumbling into this with no idea of what is coming. That is insulting to Husband and I and what we have been through to get here.

And then I take a step back and realize that maybe I am being over-sensitive and that mommy hazing is normal-apparently it is fun to scare the mother-to-be with baby tales. Maybe this teasing is an indication I am part of the club.

Our next doctor appointment is Tuesday! It should be a routine appointment. Husband will finish the floors in the baby's room tomorrow. Yay! Much house chaos is coming in the next few weeks as the attention turns to putting hardwoods in our bedroom. It is stuff like that that makes me look forward to sitting on the couch, rocking my baby.

I've been thinking a lot about our first few days home with the baby and who will be with us. More to come on that this week.

-- Post From My iPhone

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Chubby Cheeks, A Smile and Rumination

We had our monthly doctor's appointment on Tuesday, and it went well. F passed the one-hour GTT, and everything with the baby was great. We paid (happily) for another 3-D ultrasound, and the baby teased us for a while by keeping his fist and the cord in front of his face, but near the end, he finally cooperated and smiled for us! He was adorable. He has the chubbiest cheeks, and I think he has my chin and Husband's ears and lips. I have no idea where he gets those cheeks, though. He weighs almost 3 pounds and is 15 inches--quite a change from our last ultrasound in January when he was not quite a pound! We now transition to appointments every two weeks. I still can't believe how quickly time is passing. He will be here before we know it.

It feels weird to post such happy tidings when others have experienced some devastating occurrences lately. I'm thinking of surrogate buddies Duck and Niki and their miscarriages and Tabi's negative cycle with her surrogate. I'm also thinking of my coworker K and how she finally became pg with twins via IVF and began bleeding right before her 13 week screening last week, only to discover that she has a subchorionic hematoma and is now on bed rest at least until Wednesday. I ran into her at work as she was on her way to HR to fill out FMLA paperwork, and I was terrified b/c she was so pale and drawn. Her OB, in the helpful way all doctors have, told her that the hematoma was "normal but not common."

I'm so used to being on the unfortunate side of statistics myself that is still surprises me that we are where we are. My heart hurts for all of them. I wish there were some rhyme or reason WHY things turn out the way they do, but one thing I've learned from the past 3.5 years is that there is NO rhyme or reason. You can't promise to be a better person or list your stellar qualities. You can't do penance. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad, undeserving people. It sucks, and I wish it didn't work that way. I know that anything I have to say to Duck, Tabi or Niki would sound trite considering where I am. I just feel awful for them; they truly deserve success and happiness. We enter into surrogacy thinking it's going to be our magic bullet, and it is awful when it proves not to be--at least not the first time. The only poor advice I have to offer is to urge them not to give up, to please try again.

Oh, my friend J who became pg with her second child on her first cycle of Clomid again...she had her ultrasound on Tuesday, and it turns out she is pg with ONE baby. I cannot tell you how happy that makes me. I do not begrudge anyone their twins, but I still miss our twin. I felt like I could embrace her easily-achieved second pregnancy somewhat due to our circumstances, but if she had been pg with twins after 50mg of Clomid, I don't know how I would have reacted. Sad but true.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Third Trimester?!?!

I could have easily titled this post "irritation" or "frustration", but I instead decided to go with something positive. Amazingly, tomorrow we will be 28 weeks which, according to most sources, puts us in the third trimester! I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. Already? The truly frightening thing is that I'm planning based on 38 weeks because F usually doesn't make it to 40, and that is 10 weeks away from tomorrow! Eek! We are so far from being ready. We are so very NOT ready. I did register though it's a work in progress. Husband finally finished the hardwoods in the first room, capitulated and had my stepfather up to help last week and now the baby's room is halfway done. We are so behind schedule though. We haven't ordered furniture or anything. Neither of us can remember being this busy before and both decided to take this Friday off in order to get some stuff done. I need to work on some work and school stuff as well as sleep. He needs to work on floors. Together we need to work on taxes (we normally do those the first weekend in February) and baby furniture. To top it all off, my car needs $1200 in repairs, and we have been going back and forth today about whether we should bite the bullet and get something new(er). It's 11 years old and has 133k miles. It's also paid off. My big fear is that these repairs are the tip of the iceberg, but I think we just decided to repair the car and try to make it to the end of the year. Not that we want another car payment right now, but it was honestly a decision of convenience. We cannot handle making one more decision right now.

I don't mean to sound whiny. Overall, everything is great! I think we are both so freaking overwhelmed with life right now. F is doing well and sent belly pics last week; she looks awesome and told me that the baby has grown a ton b/c she is now huffing and puffing after climbing steps. We'll see her next Tuesday at our last monthly appointment and next ultrasound. I feel bad b/c we have been so busy that we haven't gotten to see her and her family very much lately.

Friends. Hmmm. I have a long overdue update on that topic. During the holidays, I kinda confronted friend K about how we feel left out and forgotten since we haven't heard from them. Friend K is the one with the almost-one-year-old, so I told her I understood that her life had changed, but that we just felt kind of forgotten. I also told her that I understood the hypocrisy of our wanting friends now but pushing people away when they were pg. This conversation stemmed from the fact that she had asked me if I had seen the previews for The Unborn, and I very tactfully told her I couldn't see that movie due to our vanishing twin. She wrote back an extremely contrite email, saying that she had realized her mistake and felt awful about it. I appreciated that. So, I emailed, K called me, we chatted, and since January, we have gotten together several times. We went to her house for dinner and then a couple of weeks ago she took me to Babies R Us to give me a mother's perspective on what I needed, and she also offered to throw me a baby shower. She is still a bit flaky, but I feel like we are repairing that relationship.

I also had a chat with friend J. To catch you up: J is married to another J who was Husband's best friend in high school, and Husband was best man at their wedding. J and I started down the IF path together when she got pg on her first cycle of clomid and I discovered that I had half a uterus and a hopelessly damaged tube. Anyway, that's been a rocky relationship. J and I met for lunch in late January, and the issue of our husbands came up. It turns out that her husband does harbor some bad feelings towards Husband. He resents that we took it personally that they "had a kid" as well as feeling like Husband pushed him away instead of letting him in to help. I was intrigued by her explanation because Husband went out of his way to ask about J and the baby whenever he talked to his friend and I guess Husband was supposed to let J know that he wanted his help? J couldn't have picked up the phone and called or emailed? Husband was supposed to do all the work? We had noticed weirdness on Husband's friend's part once they succeeded that we chalked up to survivor's guilt. It feels like the situation is at a stand-still. Husband isn't going to call his friend; his friend isn't going to call Husband. Frankly, I'm not going to force Husband to call his friend because honestly, why should we have to make all the effort? At least J and I can still email and whatnot. It was good to know, though.

Which now brings me to the irritation/annoyance part.

Irritation #1. J told me that she was on Clomid b/c they decided to go for baby #2. I was flattered she told me b/c she hadn't told anyone. Well, I emailed her last week to find out the outcome b/c the last time she and I talked, she had been convinced it didn't work, but I believed she was testing too early. I was right. Turns out that she is pg again from her FIRST Clomid cycle. Argh. Her pregnancy has stirred up a lot of feelings that I thought were buried. I'm a little down about it. It is sort of because I've been "lapped" but more because I'm worried how we will have baby #2 or if we will be able to. Unlike J, I can't pop a prescription for Clomid and have all my troubles solved. Our baby has come very dear. We have five frozen embies, and I hope, hope, hope we will be able to try surrogacy again--or even try with my poor uterus--but I wonder how we will afford it. I had told Husband last night that I wanted us to be ready to pursue something by the baby's first birthday. And it's hard not to feel a little resentful when we find out today it will cost $2500 to pursue the pre-birth-order paperwork and also pay $1200 in car repairs. I guess I just wish it were as easy for us. On the other hand, I'm actually kind of excited (deep down) about having a friend with an infant close in age. One of my big fears was that our friends would have moved on from the baby stage, and we would still be alone, so I'm excited about the possibilities for getting our babies together for playdates. I'm trying really hard to focus on that instead of my bitterness.

Irritation #2. My mother-in-law. Husband called her today to apologize for not returning her call yesterday, and she starts bitching about how she feels left out and that she wants to be part of the partying surrounding the baby. Ummm...what party? Husband and I are ridiculously busy. I put in 11-hour days every day last week. We're in meetings constantly. And on the weekend, Husband is working on the floors and until about 2 weeks ago, I had something to do every weekend. And MIL feels like copping the "I know your busy but why can't you spare some time for me" attitude? She actually said that she wants to join in the fun surrounding the baby. Um, what fun? I haven't had any fun yet. The first trimester was spent trying not to throw up from anxiety. The second trimester passed in a blur, and now the third is making me panic b/c we are so not ready. Where was she when we were looking for people to share our pain the last 3.5 years? So now she's ready to share in the happiness? JHC. We don't need this stress right now. Husband read her the riot act. I feel a little bad b/c I know she is excited, but it's not like we sit at home all day. She's retired. Must be nice! I wish I led half the life she thinks we do.

Which brings me to the topic of showers. It turns out that I might have 3 showers. I am amazed. My coworkers are throwing me a fabulous off-site shower in May. K stepped up, and she is supposed to be planning one with friend E. My mother wants to throw me one in my hometown that has morphed from a small affair at her house to a church fellowship hall function. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but we'll work it out. I don't know if any of you feel this way, but I feel really weird being the center of attention! I feel weird providing info for a shower. I'm glad (thrilled) to have them, but I just feel unworthy somehow. Does anyone else feel that way? I sort of felt like that when I was wedding planning.

But all-in-all, things are going well. 28 weeks tomorrow. We are getting close!