This post is a little out of order given everything that's going on, but I did want to commemorate Sweet Pea's first birthday! I made him a cake and we gave him one gift, and it was a special night. He has a ton of other gifts (because I went a bit crazy), and hopefully sometime we can reschedule Daniel's first birthday party.
He is walking and babbling like mad. Such a cutie!
Tomorrow Husband and I will journey to Richmond to say goodbye to my father. After that, his doctors will remove him from life support, and my stepmother and I will begin to plan his service.
I'm still somewhat in shock. My father went into the hospital on May 25 for open heart surgery to remove a huge aneurysm in his aorta. The surgery went well, but his recovery was slow and complicated. Then, a week ago, he finally started feeling better and was having a good day when the doctors took him for a routine test. During that test he fainted and his heart stopped. It took them 20 minutes to get his heart beating again and it ultimately took manual stimulation.
Amazingly he made it through surgery and that night. And the next few nights. They closed his chest on Monday and were encouraged. Unfortunately, yesterday they determined there was no brain function and confirmed it today.
Tomorrow we'll be on our way to Richmond.
It just still seems so unreal. The surgery was supposed to be routine and now my father is brain dead. Daniel's first birthday was last week. I has sent pictures of him digging into the cake I made him, a cake made in an heirloom cake pan my farher's grandmother had made MY first cake in. Unfortunately my father wasn't up to seeing those pictures, and now it is too late.
While I regret that Daniel will not get to know my father, I am thankful that my father met him and knew we had been successful in our quest for a baby. And thanks to Daniel, I saw my father twice as much in the last year as I typically did.
It's just so unbelievable and sad. And I am sad. I didn't ever expect to be losing a parent, well, any time soon.
This year's National Infertility Awareness Week is making me feel introspective and reflective. It's probably due to my change in circumstances. Baby Boy is napping next to me. He is almost a year old and brings us such joy. He has changed our lives in small and profound ways, and thinking of not having him makes me catch my breath and feel sick. I've always felt like getting to this point was like climbing a huge mountain-uphill journey all the way. Now that I'm at the top, I feel like there is a sheer drop off just on the other side. And that has inspired my What If.
What if I lived in a time when we didn't have this knowledge about fertility and treatment options? What if I lived 100, 50, heck even 10-20 years earlier? I would have had few or no options. If I had lived 100 years ago, Husband and I would be one of those childless couples who know only that they apparently cannot have children. More recently, I might know what our specific problems were but have no treatment options. I feel so fortunate to live in a state and country and age in which there are options. That allowed us to pursue gestational surrogacy and will hopefully allow us to pursue it again in a few years. The thought of being prevented from having my sweet boy due to being born in an earlier age when medical knowledge was lacking and treatment options non-existant sends chills down my spine.
And what if women in the future never had to worry about treatment options because success rates were higher and legislation didn't get in the way of family building? We've come a long way in short period of time, and my hope is that future generations of women can look back at our time and shake their heads, grateful not to be living in such a "primitive" time medically.
That's my What If.
Yesterday I donated my leftover meds to my old clinic. I had hoped to be able to give them to someone who was cycling because blogger Samantha had done the same for me when we were cycling, and I hoped to be able to pay it forward, but I don't know anyone cycling right now. It made me feel good to donate them, though. Hopefully someone will be able to use them.
Argh. I really apologize that my posting has been so sporadic. Being home with D kept me busy but returning to work really amplified that. I feel like most work week nights revolve around coming home -> baby stuff ->eating ->trying to get to bed at a decent hour. I have read probably 2, no more than 3 books for "fun" since August. Life is definitely different!
I love it though. I admit to being more tired than I ever knew I could be, and it's been interesting adjusting to leaving work behind at 4:30 on the dot because my MIL would be waiting in the parking lot to drop off the baby. I've always had a problem letting go of work, so being forced to shut down at 4:30 has been nice, but it's also been difficult b/c there has been some work I've needed to do after hours to catch up or do research, and I just don't have the time or energy. Oh well. It's an adjustment, right?
Daniel is doing soooo well! He is 7.5 months now and WILD!! This week I declare him to be officially crawling, and he has two bottom teeth and two top teeth threatening to come through any day now. He went from barely being able to sit up without a supporting arm on Jan. 2 to being able to sit up straight without any support a few days ago. The milestones are coming fast and furious! He smiles a lot and is very happy. He makes us soooo very happy. Our first Christmas with him was perfect. It really was the perfect holiday for us: no travel, lots of family, family who didn't outstay their welcome, a private Christmas, etc. I didn't expect him to get much of Christmas, so I was unprepared for the joy on his face when he saw what Santa brought. We barely did "Santa" his first year, but we loved it!
He is eating solids along with formula, and he loves them. I never thought I would do this, but I am making all of his veggies and fruits. He eats carrots, sweet potatoes, peas, green beans, cauliflower, apples, pears, squash, and peaches. He eats more veggies and fruits than Husband does!! LOL
We are having a great time with him. Each day is an adventure. I've started to think a little about a second child and what that would entail, but we won't seriously talk about it until his first birthday--which will likely be around the corner based on how quickly time is flying! More on that topic to come.
I definitely have not forgotten my infertility, but it has been so great having him here. He is wonderful.