Tuesday, August 28, 2007


In the earlier post titled "People Suck" I mentioned my best friend and her comments to me about how lucky we are and that maybe our IF is nature's way of evening things up.

This friend and her husband started TTC this month and are of course pg. First month trying. Didn't even know when she ovulated. Of course she is pg. And yet she thinks that DH and I are lucky? Ha.

I'm angry and resentful but mostly sad. And of course, not at her but at the situation. It sucks that some people are able to achieve this so easily (I had completely forgotten that sex made babies). And it really sucks that we are likely never to experience pregnancy.

Husband and I are now the only childless ones in our circle, and it feels like we have gone from odd couple out to truly invisible and alone. They've moved on and we've stayed in the same place.

This friend's pg is different than another friend's b/c when that friend got pg, I still had hope that Husband and I would eventually achieve it as well. Plus, this other friend dealt with some IF herself and so it was bittersweet when she became pg...great for her but envy from me on why her IF was resolved so easily (Clomid). With this friend's pg, I no longer have hope of experiencing pg, so it's both better and worse.

I don't mean to sound so woe is me, but I'm feeling very alone today.

As for adoption, we are moving along the path. We're meeting with a domestic agency next week and will likely sign with them if everything sounds good. I'm still scared of domestic, but we can't afford to do international right now if we hope to start saving for eventual surrogacy as well. I need to take a leap of faith that this will work out. Our hope is to be active with an agency by the end of the year.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Happy Anniversary, TTC!

Happy Anniversary to me and Husband. Today is Aug. 13 and marks 2 years that we have been TTC. Two years ago today I took my final BCP. Sigh. I never, ever dreamed that we would still be at this two years later with no sign or hope of a BFP and no baby. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty certain that we are moving to adoption, so I guess that this chapter of our life will be closing.

It's kind of a sad day. But kind of a transitional day too. Since we are moving to adoption, this day marks the beginning of the end for being without a baby of some sort. Maybe that's the way I should look at it. A door is closing. Our TTC door is closing, but the door that will lead to a baby is opening.

In some ways, I can't believe it's been two years. And out of those two years, I felt like most of it was spent waiting. We've had two real chances for a baby (IVF #1 and FET #1). Out of the 5 Clomid cycles, we may have had 2-3 chances of conceiving when I ovulated on the right, but it's doubtful given how distorted my right tube looked by Clomid cycle #5.

We're received some answers (UU, stage 4 endo) but are still left with a lot of questions. I've also experienced more pain--physical and emotional--than I've ever had. As I type this I feel my cyst twinge and my lower back ache slightly. I'm not sorry to put all that behind us.
I'm sad that there is probably a good chance I won't have a biological child. If we do, there's a big chance I won't be the one to carry it. I've been thinking about it a lot today as I struggle always to figure out WHY this is happening to us. I thought a lot about adoption over the weekend. Can we do international adoption? How do I feel about Korea? How do I feel about Vietnam? How do I feel about travelling? Spending $30k? And these are just my feelings b/c Husband and I haven't even talked about it yet, and I don't know if he even wants to go the international route...I know he would for China, but that's kind of off the table for baby #1 since the wait is so long.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. As usual, I'm trying to come to terms with our reality, our situation and figure out WHY this is happening to us. And maybe, just maybe I have a small inkling. At least something I can embrace When I was younger, I wanted an exciting life. I wanted a life less ordinary. I thought that would manifest in a certain lifestyle (wealth? fame?) but I've never wanted to be like everyone else. And I'm not. Husband and I are not. We know we are different from our friends and family. Usually we rue that b/c it's so obvious we don't fit in. So maybe, that's why. We are being called to do something different, to build our family in a different way b/c that's who we are. We can accept that sort of thing. We are strong enough. We aren't going to curl up in a little ball and give up. We'll do whatever it takes and blaze a trail. We know we are stronger than our friends. Maybe reproducing the old-fashioned way is too traditional for us. Maybe it's time I embraced our difference and ran with it.

Maybe I'm just blowing smoke up my own ass, but it makes me feel better, and there hasn't been a lot in this process that has made me feel that way.

In other news, Husband told me on Friday that he needs about a week or so to process the adoption stuff and figure out how he feels. I get the impression that we are going in that direction, but he needs to think about it. No problem. I can give him a few weeks to process. I'm just glad I have a timeframe.

Friday, August 10, 2007

What Next?

Our follow-up with the RE was Tuesday. She was very honest with us, which we appreciated. She estimated our chances at 25-35%. The clinic averages 50% for 2007 with women in my age group (< 34). Argh. She pretty much told us that she didn't know what to tell us to do. If we had insurance coverage, she would tell us to keep trying, but with all of my issues and the fact that with such good-looking embryos we had BFNs on both the fresh and frozen cycles, she, like us, wonders if it is a waste of money to cycle again.

So now what? We discussed protocol changes if we cycled again. We thought we might cycle one final time in the fall, but now I think we are leaning towards waiting a few years...possibly moving to adoption in the meantime and then cycling in a few years with a surrogate. The only unknown in all this is what the endo will do to my ovaries and egg quality. I think it's a gamble I am willing to take. I have no doubt that if we cycled this fall, it would fail. And if we had no embryos make it to freeze, it would be doubly devastating. However, saying that we might cycle again in a few years leaves the door open -- just a crack-- for a biological child. It preserves my hope...just a tad.

I'm not thrilled about the surrogacy idea, but Husband really wants a biological child. If he's willing to pay for it and do it relatively soon AND agrees to adopt, fine. Let's do it. However, after last night, I have no idea where we stand. He has not considered adoption at all and needs to do so and accused me of pressuring him. Ok. I thought we were on the same page. Apparently not. I also found it hard to believe that throughout all of this, he has not been able to consider adoption. Hello! Where has he been? It makes me think he's been sticking his head in the sand. Whatever.

So now I feel like everything is on hold and I have no idea what we'll do next or when. And I feel so down about it and lost.

People Suck

I hate people and usually every day I receive confirmation on why that feeling is justified. Some failed cycle tidbits:

My mother:"C (my cousin's baby) is really mobile now and into everything. Your aunt is going to have her hands full. You should spend a week with her--maybe you'll discover you don't want children!"

Gee, thanks. Wow, what a lot of money we've wasted. Who knew that one week with a toddler would reveal that parenting was not for us?

MIL:"You can't keep doing this forever."
I can hear her slightly tired tone, her whine. Implicit in that statement is the wish that we would just move on, get over it, etc. so she would feel less uncomfortable and we wouldn't talk about it anymore. So sorry you and everyone else are tired of our situation. It's our LIFE unfortunately. We don't have the luxury of hanging up the phone and being away from it. And as someone who fairly easily had two children, who are you to tell us when to stop? You have NO idea of our pain.

K, my best friend:"Maybe nature is telling you that things have generally come easy for you in your life. You breezed through school, you excel at your career, you have a wonderful, devoted husband and a happy marriage. Maybe 'the powers that be' have decided to make something difficult for you."

When I first read that in her email, I was insulted and offended, even though she begged me not to be. It IS insulting. Like life is "tit for tat." And how malicious is Mother Nature/God/whoever if that is true! But now, the more I think about it, the more I've decided that maybe her comment indicates how she sees me and my life. Easy. Everything has come easily for me. Again that whole concept of some people having luck and some people not. Never mind that fact that I worked hard and am conscientious. Yes, comprehension comes easily for me, and I've not experienced real adversity, but still...I worked hard.

I think a lot of people see our life that way (MIL refers to our "luck" as well). And it makes me wonder if it's a case of schadenfreude...they resent our success and cheer for our misfortune. It makes me feel like maybe they think we deserve it. And that's incredibly hurtful.
Oh, yeah, and K is ready to TTC, yet they had to disconnect their home phone to pay for the cable bill. WTF????? And she will likely have no problems conceiving. I bet she'll be pregnant by September. And yet people say WE have luck. Ha!

Monday, August 6, 2007

Decisions, Decisions

I'm feeling kind of numb. The weekend was ok. I had a pretty big crying fit on Friday, but after that I was ok. Husband and I had a pretty nasty fight last night, the kind where doors are slammed and we huff off to our separate corners. It was my fault. I felt we were being slugs and it irritated me and I commented on how he hadn't done anything all weekend. I really should have expressed my frustration over how WE hadn't done anything all weekend and how I wish we had more motivation instead of being so mean to him. And now everything is awkward and weird.

We did have a good conversation about what to do next. Bottom line is that we are undecided for now, and I guess we'll discuss it more after our follow-up tomorrow. Basically, though, we both agree that we don't have much hope that another cycle will work. His fear is that even if we manage to become pregnant, my UU will kick in and cause me to m/c. It's a valid fear. Though my uterus would likely be able to carry a baby ok, we don't know for sure. Would bed rest be in my future? Cerclage? Pre-term labor? Premature baby? Developmental disabilities? Very valid concerns.

My belief is that we will never have to test my UU because I think it's unlikely I will ever get pg. I just believe that I have too much stuff wrong with me...some major underlying hormonal issue probably: pre-AF spotting; post-AF spotting, endo cyst, elevated testosterone, possible PCOS. When you consider all that and then throw on the added bonus of a uterine defect, it has to make you wonder if this is Mother Nature's or the universe's way of saying nothing's going to work.

Part of me wants to plunk down another $10k ("only" 10k b/c we have about $1k worth of meds leftover) to try, but another part of me feels like that would be foolish. We'd literally be flushing $10k down the toilet with nothing gained but certainty and heartbreak. And neither of us wants to do many more cycles. We just can't. This is an addictive roller coaster, and we want off. I don't even want to consider the possibility of immune issues b/c that's likely to bring a small glimmer of hope if we spend even more money. Maybe I'm silly, but as of 8/13 we will have spent 2 years down this road, and I'm ready to move on. I feel like I've lost two years and I don't want to lose more. I can't keep facing such extreme cycles of hope and despair. Maybe if we could do 4, 6, 10 more cycles, we'd achieve pregnancy and finally know how to work with my body. But I really don't want to do that.

But are we ready to move to adoption? And if so, are we ready to seriously consider international adoption or stay with domestic?

Definitely thoughts to ponder.

Friday, August 3, 2007

My Problems

The cause of our infertility is primarily (like 99%) my problems. The main problem is a unicornuate uterus. This means that I have only half of a functioning uterus. The left side did not develop. Hence the "unicorn" of the title. It's supposedly a very, very rare uterine defect, which sort of adds to my self-centered, narcissistic feeling of being picked on by the universe. I have two kidneys, two ovaries and two tubes (all things that people with UUs can be missing), so it's only the left part of the uterus that didn't develop.

I also have a lovely case of stage 4 endometriosis. Thanks to it, my right tube was hopelessly damaged and had to be cauterized. It also leads to endometriomas on my right ovary and I suspect the post-menstrual and pre-menstrual spotting I have. Though I haven't had all the tests for PCOS, I did have my testosterone tested, and it came back slightly elevated, so that combined with my hair issues, ovulatory dysfunction and a few other things makes me wonder if I also have PCOS.

Because I'm paranoid and generally a pessimist (I prefer realist) - even before we knew about our IF problems, I'm sure I have immune problems as well. Why not?

So far we have completed (and failed) 1 IVF and 1 FET. I don't have any embryos left, so it's on to another IVF in the fall probably.


I have toyed with the idea of having a public blog in which to discuss my infertility struggles for a while now. I have a private one where I can let fly all the mean, nasty, hateful, evil thoughts I have, but I had struggled with taking that public. This week I decided that I would start one if my FET cycle failed, hoping against hope that I wouldn't have to and thinking that maybe if I started one before I knew the outcome of the cycle, I'd go to all this trouble only to have to close it or make it a pregnancy blog. Ha ha ha. Silly me! I could have started this blog DAYS ago.

So, yes, this blog means that the FET cycle failed. It's not a surprise. Thanks to HPTs taken Monday-Wednesday, I knew for sure which way the wind was blowing days before the beta. Husband and I have let the family know and received the usual platitudes and occasionally infuriating comments. I just begged him to let us move out of state and change our names a la the Witness Protection Program, but he said we can't afford to. Damn infertility. I can't escape it anywhere.