Saturday, November 15, 2008

A bit of a milestone

Fingers crossed that we won't have more severe weather today. My weather radio woke me up at 2:30 this morning with news that my county was under a tornado warning. I was horribly afraid of tornadoes and storms as a child, so it is a testament to how much progress I have made that I didn't immediately flee to the closet! Thankfully for us (though not to the people in the storm's path), the storm was to the south of us and no danger to us.

We had our 3rd u/s at the clinic on Friday, and after waiting for almost 2 hours we finally got to see how much progress our wiggler has made. He was measuring 11w1d and we were 11w2d. I was amazed at how much like a baby he looked. He was asleep but soon woke up and started moving around. Happily, we have now been released to the OB, and we have our first OB appointment next Thursday. After that appointment, I will officially be in u/s withdrawal!

I discovered this week that one of my coworkers is going through IF. I had a feeling about her, and when she mentioned that she had a lot of appointments lately, I told her that I thought we should talk sometime. She came to me later that day, and we exchanged war stories. She and her husband have been trying for 4 years with a miscarriage along the way and were planning to have egg retrieval for her first IVF cycle on Friday (this was Wednesday). She is cycling at Wake Forest University, which is around 2.5 hours from her home. I hugged her and wished her luck, and then sadly, she came to me later that day and told me that her cycle had been converted to an IUI because she had started to ovulate. As you can imagine, she was devastated. I felt so bad for her. All that prep. All that expense. The hours spent commuting to Winston-Salem. She said, "It's ok" and I vehemently replied, "it's NOT ok. This sucks, and I am so sorry you have to go through it." I've always been a believer in acknowledging what you feel and accepting the bad stuff because often, you are the only one who will. I just felt so bad for her.

It was also a little weird for me because it was my first occasion as "the other." I know that realizing that you have moved to have a different category and that others may find your altered status hurtful is one of the cliche posts in IF land. It's just taken me a little longer to get there because we are doing surrogacy. Yes, so far we have been successful. But since I am not the one throwing up or dealing with all-over fatigue, it's been easy at times to forget that we have achieved some level of success or that others would consider us to have moved on. I suddenly understand how easy it is to appear to forget from where you came...I almost offered to show her our u/s pic for heaven's sake (during our first conversation, not the second after she had found out that her cycle was being converted--even I'm not that insensitive)! I still feel like I am straddling two worlds. Do I keep my "street cred" since I am not actually physically pg or have I moved on as well? How have others handled this? I guess I feel like my reactions are lagging behind our new reality.

And, if you could, please keep my friend L in your thoughts. I met L while we were cycling at the same clinic and through some mutual Resolve friends last year. We fought in the IF trench together. L was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and had surgery on Monday. Her diagnosis was like a kick in the gut and a reminder of how unfair life is that this wonderful person and her family should have to deal with cancer on top of the everything else. L is a great, generous person and a reader of my blog, and I want her to know that I am sending her all the strength and positive thoughts I can. I am so angry this is happening to her but in awe of her spirit and strength in dealing with this situation.


Intending To Be Parents said...

That is a tough one - when you are expecting through surrogacy after trying yourself for so long it feels like a different place entirely than those who are pregnant themselves after IF. I belong to a PART support group (pregnancy after reproductive technology). It's weird being the only one there besides the group leader with no pregnant belly, but in a way I sort of feel like I belong because I have a lot of the same worries (if not more because I don't have that belly to look down at to remind me and I can't feel those flutters and kicks myself!) than the others in the group. My group members really make me feel welcome though and a part of the group. But definitely the blogging world has been the best place for me to feel like I "know" others in the same boat. But for my friends who are still TTC, I always try to be careful with anything I say about the pregnancy because I don't want to hurt anyone (I know that hurt too well). It's a balancing act and not an easy one.

I am sending some positive thoughts out to your friend L. It just isn't fair to get hit with that diagnose on top of everything else.

Anonymous said...

thank you keanne. your post brought tears to my eyes and a shake to my voice as i just read this to dh. i am overwhelmed by the kindness and support of friends like you who are helping us through this rotten hurdle. i'm pulling for you and cannot wait to hear more about your wiggler.
much love,

Wewurtskihit said...

Holy Cow - IVF AND BC on top of that! Your friend L will be in our thoughts for sure! She must be one heck of a strong woman married to one heck of a strong man!!!

Makes you wonder why we, who have our good health (Thank GOD), a good job, food on the table, cloths on our back and a roof over our head, still keep whining about life!!!!!


N said...

It is truly a weird thing to be on the other side. I know what you mean too about not "exactly" being on the other side since you're not pregnant. I have felt like that too; I know that for some people being on the "other side" means being pregnant. In some ways I think we do keep some of the "street cred" by having a baby but not being pregnant. lol

I'm so sorry about your friend L. That's so difficult.

Anonymous said...

Glad all is going well with your baby.

Thinking of L.

Samantha said...

I'm so to hear about your friend. That totally sucks.

While I'm not quite in the same situation that you are, I'm having some trouble figuring out how to position myself as being pregnant after infertility. I worry about appearing insensitive. I'm excited about the future but still hurt about the past. I think that's way I've been quieter lately. I'm just not sure what to say sometimes. I'm sure it's even more odd for you since you're not the one pregnant.

niobe said...

I always worry about being insensitive about IF because since it's not something I've personally experienced, I'm afraid that I'll say or do something wrong or hurtful. This is something I actually think about a lot, though I don't have any good answers.

Your friend is in my thoughts and prayers.

Sue said...

Both of your friends are in my thoughts. I am hoping for good outcomes for both of them.

Congratulations on another good ultrasound!

kate said...

I'm so glad y'all made it through that storm okay. H and I were sitting in bed listening to the insane wind and thunder and lightning, and I went to the computer to see whether there were tornado warnings, and it said the really bad stuff was to the east, and I thought of you guys. If it was that bad where we were, I can only imagine what it was like closer to the real damage.

Sucky for your friend cycling at Wake Forest- that commute must be killer. And how sad to be going through all of that and to end up converted to IUI... She must feel awful. If your friend ever needs a place to crash for the night (jeezus- what am I? a frat boy?)- what I mean is if she ever needs a place to rest after procedure, or if she needs a lunch buddy, I'm right here in (crappy) winston-salem, and would be glad to offer whatever help I can.

And I think you get to keep your street cred, at least somewhat- but then again, I think all IFers do. We all struggle, whether it's with money or time or effects of procedures or guilt (from success or failure), or whatever, so yeah. I'm in the once-an-IFer-always-an-IFer camp.

And I will keep your friend L in my thoughts. How scary for her, and how unfair things can be- that just sucks. There should be some sort of threshold for crappy stuff- like life just shouldn't be able to give you more than X amount of awful things to deal with. But it just never seems to work that way.