Thursday, November 6, 2008

Pins and Needles and Family Surprises

I intended to post earlier this week, but it has been a really busy week. That hasn't been a completely bad thing, though. You can probably guess that I'm pretty anxious for our second u/s tomorrow. I keep telling myself that it will more than likely be fine--no reason to think otherwise (well, other than our twin of course)--but my overactive imagination keeps exploring all the dark possibilities. No matter what, hopefully I will be alert enough to ask some of the questions we want to ask. I was as dumbfounded at our first u/s as I was at my first few monitoring appointments when I wasn't responding but couldn't think of my questions until later. And they don't volunteer information easily at my clinic; you usually have to ask and re-ask. I have to work late tonight due to a big migration, and I'm coming in a for a couple of hours tomorrow to make sure everything is working correctly, but after I leave for our appointment, I'm not returning for the day. Our appointment is at 10:20 and afterwards we will go to lunch with F.

I had some interesting, rather shocking news last week. I mentioned back in August or September that I found out my youngest cousin was starting down the IF path. Well, this cousin, L, called me last Wednesday to congratulate me on seeing the h/b at our first u/s. I thought it was really sweet of her and asked her how she was. She asked if I had talked to my mother and at that moment I knew: she is pregnant. And she is. She's about 4 weeks ahead of us. She had asked the family not to tell me until we knew what was going on with our situation. It was very sweet of her to be so considerate of me but somewhat annoying at the same time since no IFer wants to be the last to know and realize that everyone in her family has been conspiring to keep it from her. I talked to my mother, and it turns out that L has a thyroid condition that wasn't diagnosed until she was already pregnant and that she should have been on medication before she became pregnant. Apparently, there is a chance she could still miscarry.

I have a LOT of conflicting feelings about L's news. I'm happy for her truly. I hope her thyroid causes her no more trouble, and I'm glad she didn't have to venture down the IF path. But I'm kind of pissed at my family and at my mother. So my mother's sisters can keep their children's secrets but my mother can't keep mine? Granted, I never explicitly asked her to keep our news a secret at any point (mainly because I knew it would be futile), but it would have been nice. And it's rather infuriating that my mother can keep other peoples' secrets. Argh. However, in some twisted way, I think my mother's heart was in the right place (for once) and she was trying to be considerate of me (for once). She had no compunction about passing along other people's pregnancy news in the past.

I confess that I felt a huge knot in my stomach when L told me. You see, I have 3 cousins. Between now and next June, there is the possibility of 4 new babies in our family. That's wonderful, you might say. What a blessing! Except that I suddenly feel performance anxiety. Four! Can all 4 really happen? Who is the weak link in that chain? I feel like we are (because I always feel like I am the worst and lowest) though realistically one could argue it's my cousin L. Plus, the cousin who is due any day is on child #2. My other two cousins are siblings, so their mother will have two grandbabies. So that's 2 grandchildren for each aunt. And I just hope I can make my mother a grandmother of 1. I know it's not a competition and what will happen will happen. After my conversation with L, I felt like everything was doomed. Hopefully my thoughts are going to dark places for nothing.

I decided that I need to focus on the here and now. I look at our u/s pictures daily and send all the love I can to my wiggleworm. Hopefully we'll have beautiful pictures of an even bigger wiggleworm tomorrow.


N said...

I totally understand your feelings. It's so hard because you want people to be sensitive, but then it hurts when they are "so" sensitive that you are the last to know. I was at a family dinner once when someone accidentally mentioned a family friend's pregnancy. I was like, "omg, I didn't know she was pregnant!" thinking that it was news to all. Everyone got really quiet and then I realized: I was the only one who didn't know. It was embarrassing and saddening. I'm really sorry that happened to you. All you can do is focus on your WONDERFUL news, that you are having a baby after all the chaos. Can't wait to hear about your next u/s...I'm sure it will be great.

kate said...

I think you're probably right that your mom's heart was (at least this time) in the right place, though yeah. No one likes to be the last to know. And how awesome- 4 babies all at the same time! But I can understand your feelings about wondering if it really will work out for everyone. Truthfully, though, I have to believe that of course it will work out for everyone. Of course it will. Statistically speaking, there's no reason why all four won't be just fine. You may feel that you are the worst, the lowest (which I totally get in a big fat "me, too" kind of way), but you have paid your dues. You have paid off whatever instant karma might have lead you to be the one who didn't make it. You want this badly enough that you are willing to pay (I mean financially, but emotionally as well, I'm sure) to see this dream come true. How many of the rest of them can say that? (That all sounds weird- what I mean is that despite feeling like the lowest, you've worked really hard to be at this point, so there's no reason to think that you are still somehow unworthy of this happiness)

Anyhow, best of luck with your migration. I've seen a few companies through the (sometimes years long) process of making a major data migration. There's always the feeling that things will be so much better afterward, but you always wonder while you're in the middle of it whether those benefits are really worth the incredible hassle! So yeah. Even the minor migrations (an updated version of the same data management system) are still a pain. I feel for you- Good luck for no major issues with the migration!

Sue said...

I think it's a good strategy to focus on the here and now. Just remember that most of the time, everything is fine. I'm sure everything will look fine on the ultrasound tomorrow and I will be waiting on pins and needles for an update. Good luck!

JJ said...

Your feeling about your cousin are totally normal--the sensitive barrier is a hard one to deal with. And I am so excited for the u/s update tomorrow-have been thinking about you!

Intending To Be Parents said...

I hear you (my imagination can go to those dark places too). I've also been in that similar awkward position of everyone seems to know except me because they're afraid I might crumble into pieces if I find out. But you've got a great thing going on here and I'm sending all kinds of positive stuff your way for the u/s tomorrow. Have a great appointment and a great lunch and enjoy your afternoon! And then post as soon as you can cause I'll be on the edge of my seat! I need photos!! :)

niobe said...

I know I still have those dark feelings whenever I hear that someone else is pregnant -- that somehow the fact that she's pregnant makes it less likely that our baby will make it. I know it's irrational, but I just can't help it.

Susanna said...

That's funny-- I, too, had a heap of cousins all get pregnant the same time I did, and I, too, thought "Will every single one of us make it out ok?" And, though my baby and I had a horrible pregnancy and premature birth, here we all are with all the cousins, all fine. As for your odds in your group, you've got a veteran babymaking uterus on your side-- a very good thing.

Also... I am new to blogging and am thinking I might have overstepped blogging etiquette by linking to people in my very first post, without asking first (if so, oops.. sorry). I linked to you; I can't remember how I first landed on your blog (late nights of pumping and clicking) but I enjoy your writing and have come to care about how you are doing! Would it be OK if I listed your blog among my links?


Samantha said...

I know where you are coming from. I want people to acknowledge my situation, but I don't want to be excluded, and I know it can be hard for people to figure out how to walk that line. I was terribly hurt when my SIL decided to share her pregnancy news and just "pretend" that she didn't know about my past years of trying or my current FET cycle. But I'm sure I also would have been hurt if the rest of family knew and they didn't share it with me. My motto is, "share, but be considerate."

As for the other pregnancies in the family: remember they really have nothing to do with whether or not your will succeed. On the bright side, your child will have lots of cousins to play with around the same age, right? Good luck with the ultrasound!