Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Third Trimester?!?!

I could have easily titled this post "irritation" or "frustration", but I instead decided to go with something positive. Amazingly, tomorrow we will be 28 weeks which, according to most sources, puts us in the third trimester! I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. Already? The truly frightening thing is that I'm planning based on 38 weeks because F usually doesn't make it to 40, and that is 10 weeks away from tomorrow! Eek! We are so far from being ready. We are so very NOT ready. I did register though it's a work in progress. Husband finally finished the hardwoods in the first room, capitulated and had my stepfather up to help last week and now the baby's room is halfway done. We are so behind schedule though. We haven't ordered furniture or anything. Neither of us can remember being this busy before and both decided to take this Friday off in order to get some stuff done. I need to work on some work and school stuff as well as sleep. He needs to work on floors. Together we need to work on taxes (we normally do those the first weekend in February) and baby furniture. To top it all off, my car needs $1200 in repairs, and we have been going back and forth today about whether we should bite the bullet and get something new(er). It's 11 years old and has 133k miles. It's also paid off. My big fear is that these repairs are the tip of the iceberg, but I think we just decided to repair the car and try to make it to the end of the year. Not that we want another car payment right now, but it was honestly a decision of convenience. We cannot handle making one more decision right now.

I don't mean to sound whiny. Overall, everything is great! I think we are both so freaking overwhelmed with life right now. F is doing well and sent belly pics last week; she looks awesome and told me that the baby has grown a ton b/c she is now huffing and puffing after climbing steps. We'll see her next Tuesday at our last monthly appointment and next ultrasound. I feel bad b/c we have been so busy that we haven't gotten to see her and her family very much lately.

Friends. Hmmm. I have a long overdue update on that topic. During the holidays, I kinda confronted friend K about how we feel left out and forgotten since we haven't heard from them. Friend K is the one with the almost-one-year-old, so I told her I understood that her life had changed, but that we just felt kind of forgotten. I also told her that I understood the hypocrisy of our wanting friends now but pushing people away when they were pg. This conversation stemmed from the fact that she had asked me if I had seen the previews for The Unborn, and I very tactfully told her I couldn't see that movie due to our vanishing twin. She wrote back an extremely contrite email, saying that she had realized her mistake and felt awful about it. I appreciated that. So, I emailed, K called me, we chatted, and since January, we have gotten together several times. We went to her house for dinner and then a couple of weeks ago she took me to Babies R Us to give me a mother's perspective on what I needed, and she also offered to throw me a baby shower. She is still a bit flaky, but I feel like we are repairing that relationship.

I also had a chat with friend J. To catch you up: J is married to another J who was Husband's best friend in high school, and Husband was best man at their wedding. J and I started down the IF path together when she got pg on her first cycle of clomid and I discovered that I had half a uterus and a hopelessly damaged tube. Anyway, that's been a rocky relationship. J and I met for lunch in late January, and the issue of our husbands came up. It turns out that her husband does harbor some bad feelings towards Husband. He resents that we took it personally that they "had a kid" as well as feeling like Husband pushed him away instead of letting him in to help. I was intrigued by her explanation because Husband went out of his way to ask about J and the baby whenever he talked to his friend and I guess Husband was supposed to let J know that he wanted his help? J couldn't have picked up the phone and called or emailed? Husband was supposed to do all the work? We had noticed weirdness on Husband's friend's part once they succeeded that we chalked up to survivor's guilt. It feels like the situation is at a stand-still. Husband isn't going to call his friend; his friend isn't going to call Husband. Frankly, I'm not going to force Husband to call his friend because honestly, why should we have to make all the effort? At least J and I can still email and whatnot. It was good to know, though.

Which now brings me to the irritation/annoyance part.

Irritation #1. J told me that she was on Clomid b/c they decided to go for baby #2. I was flattered she told me b/c she hadn't told anyone. Well, I emailed her last week to find out the outcome b/c the last time she and I talked, she had been convinced it didn't work, but I believed she was testing too early. I was right. Turns out that she is pg again from her FIRST Clomid cycle. Argh. Her pregnancy has stirred up a lot of feelings that I thought were buried. I'm a little down about it. It is sort of because I've been "lapped" but more because I'm worried how we will have baby #2 or if we will be able to. Unlike J, I can't pop a prescription for Clomid and have all my troubles solved. Our baby has come very dear. We have five frozen embies, and I hope, hope, hope we will be able to try surrogacy again--or even try with my poor uterus--but I wonder how we will afford it. I had told Husband last night that I wanted us to be ready to pursue something by the baby's first birthday. And it's hard not to feel a little resentful when we find out today it will cost $2500 to pursue the pre-birth-order paperwork and also pay $1200 in car repairs. I guess I just wish it were as easy for us. On the other hand, I'm actually kind of excited (deep down) about having a friend with an infant close in age. One of my big fears was that our friends would have moved on from the baby stage, and we would still be alone, so I'm excited about the possibilities for getting our babies together for playdates. I'm trying really hard to focus on that instead of my bitterness.

Irritation #2. My mother-in-law. Husband called her today to apologize for not returning her call yesterday, and she starts bitching about how she feels left out and that she wants to be part of the partying surrounding the baby. Ummm...what party? Husband and I are ridiculously busy. I put in 11-hour days every day last week. We're in meetings constantly. And on the weekend, Husband is working on the floors and until about 2 weeks ago, I had something to do every weekend. And MIL feels like copping the "I know your busy but why can't you spare some time for me" attitude? She actually said that she wants to join in the fun surrounding the baby. Um, what fun? I haven't had any fun yet. The first trimester was spent trying not to throw up from anxiety. The second trimester passed in a blur, and now the third is making me panic b/c we are so not ready. Where was she when we were looking for people to share our pain the last 3.5 years? So now she's ready to share in the happiness? JHC. We don't need this stress right now. Husband read her the riot act. I feel a little bad b/c I know she is excited, but it's not like we sit at home all day. She's retired. Must be nice! I wish I led half the life she thinks we do.

Which brings me to the topic of showers. It turns out that I might have 3 showers. I am amazed. My coworkers are throwing me a fabulous off-site shower in May. K stepped up, and she is supposed to be planning one with friend E. My mother wants to throw me one in my hometown that has morphed from a small affair at her house to a church fellowship hall function. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but we'll work it out. I don't know if any of you feel this way, but I feel really weird being the center of attention! I feel weird providing info for a shower. I'm glad (thrilled) to have them, but I just feel unworthy somehow. Does anyone else feel that way? I sort of felt like that when I was wedding planning.

But all-in-all, things are going well. 28 weeks tomorrow. We are getting close!


Intending To Be Parents said...

Congrats on the third trimester!! That's such a great feeling to get to that milestone (except for the freaking out about not being ready - I did that but then about killed myself getting everything finished up over the past few weeks because I couldn't take it not being done anymore) :)
Yes, I can say I felt the 'not worthy' thing for the baby showers too (I had 2), but just think of it this way - they are gifts that are for the baby and you just have to be there to receive them on his behalf :)

Carrie Jo said...

Congratulations on the third trimester! How wonderful!

I feel you as far as the feelings of resentment when others get pg. I thought that I was doing so much better, until both SIL got pg again and are due a month afer us. One has a one-year-old, the other has 10-month-old twins. (What happened to spacing children?) I know that I should be past this, but I just wish it was that easy for us. I, too, worry about the finanaces when trying to procure baby number 2.

Hang in there with the busyness. It's gotta end sometime.

And aas far as baby showers--you deserve them just as much as everyone else, if not more! It's been a long road to get here. Enjoy lettign other people buy you stuff!

niobe said...

Wow -- the third trimester already.

I didn't do *anything* to prepare for the baby's birth and I was too nervous to let anyone give me anything, so I ran around like crazy after he was born buying a crib and other necessary baby supplies, cleaning and setting up the nursery (our former junk room).

I don't recommend the way I did it -- but it definitely can be done.

Sue said...

I'd focus on the positive as much as possible and enjoy the showers. After paying so much money for infertility treatments, I'm still amazed that there are people who want to give us free stuff. Enjoy it while it lasts!

JourneyofHope said...

Don't stress about not being ready for babe. In actual fact - you really only need the bare minimum anyway. Get a bassinett and voila - you are ready!

I totally understand about the shower. I didn't have one and I am actually relieved that I didn't. It just would have been too much for me at the time. But it would have been nice to have some help to buy the stuff that we now have so enjoy yours as much as you can.

Try to rest up in these next 10 weeks. Spend lots of couple time with your hubbie and buckle your seatbelt.

Jesus, My Best Friend said...

so hard to not have a little resentment towards folks who seem to get what you want so easily. i've been there plenty. so glad your little one is getting closer to this big world. God bless u!

sara said...

Congrats on the third trimester! From the things you said that made you bothered...I totally agree. Great minds think alike, huh?

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on the thrid trimester...wow! I completely understand the need to be READY, but as long as you have some diapers, formula and a place for the little bundle to sleep, you are fine. I did the same thing too...in one month I worked myslef ragged to make sure everything was perfect. Don't work yourself too thin, but possibly all of this will keep your mind off of worry and stress regarding baby.
I think of you often and look forward to your next update.
Be well,