Monday, September 24, 2007

Analysis Paralysis

I am feeling really, really down this week. I felt kind of down and "blah" last week, but I developed a head cold and chalked it up to that. However, the downness persists and has intensified. Some of it is due to PMS and AF...yes, for the third time in two years, I managed to ovulate on my own. Ovulating on my own would have thrilled me a year ago, but now that I know my uterine situation, ovulation is meaningless. And it was accompanied by the typical few days of pre-AF spotting but was more red than brown...a novelty for me. And now the cramps are starting to start, which remind me of the endo and how fucked up my body really is. Nothing like a few days of pre-AF spotting, horrific cramps and back pain and spotting that linger for several days after AF ends to clarify your situation.

Basically, we don't know what the hell we're going to do next. Husband and I keep discussing surrogacy like it's a viable option...for a mere $50k (at least), we might be able to have a biological child! I have a big problem with the money involved (geez, who wouldn't? We don't have that much just lying around), but my biggest problem is with the time involved. The earliest we would be able to try surrogacy would be likely be early 2009. We'd try to cycle a few times, so I'll give it a year. If it doesn't work, we'll move to adoption. Adopting domestically would take around 1-2 years, so that means that it could possibly be 3-4 years before we had a baby.

Because I'm a pessimist, all I can focus on is the worst-case scenario of it not working and that we could have 3-4 more childless years ahead of us. And if surrogacy failed, would we even be able to afford to move to adoption right away? I'm just not sure if I can wait that long. Ideally, we'd adopt first and then try surrogacy, but what are the chances that we would be able to save up the money once we had a newborn?

I'm just feeling lost. Two women I know are pg from their 3rd IVF cycles, and one has problems very similar to mine. It almost makes me want to try one more cycle on our own. Should we give up on my body after only 1 fresh and 1 frozen cycle? If my body's response to ovulation is any indication, then yes, we should give up. I'm very, very happy for those women, but I don't know where I fit. I'm not cycling. I'm not adopting (yet). We're not moving to surrogacy (yet). And we don't want to be child-free.

But I'm tired of waiting (stamps foot like two-year-old). And then I found out from a coworker that a former coworker's daughter is pg. This daughter had IF and apparently found success on her first IVF or something. And that makes me feel even lower because it reminds me that IVF does work for some.

I watched a special episode about Dr. Addison Montgomery from Grey's Anatomy as the character transitions to Private Practice. After Addison discovers that her eggs are bad, she breaks down, sobbing, "I'm barred and all dried up." I started crying too b/c that's EXACTLY how I feel. Barren and dried up.


Brave China Doll said...

I am so sorry you are feeling so down. It just sucks. It's just so hard to know what to do sometimes. Hang in there!

Your fellow UUer,

Paranoid said...

I'm so sorry. I know how horrible it is to want a baby RIGHT NOW, dammit!, and not get it. And then have to watch as people in similarly f-ed up situations keep going ahead and getting pregnant, while you're the lucky one who gets to have nothing work for you.

I sincerely hope that things will get better and that some way, some how, you'll get the child you want.