Wednesday, September 5, 2007

I just want peace

It's been a stressful several days. Last week was one of those weeks when just as you thought it couldn't get worse, it did. My best friend is pg (which is not a bad thing but you know what I mean). My relationship with my other friend seems on the rocks because this person cannot understand why it is so difficult for me and Husband to see her baby. I keep trying to reassure her that it's not out of spite but that it is difficult to see her baby. And really, we think it's their happiness. Their happiness hurts us. We are in such a dark, dark place right now and their happiness is so bright.

Work was not fun either. A teammate with whom I have had problems since we hired her blew up at me last week and threatened to walk out. I learned that she considers me the cause of all her problems at work, believes I am actively obstructing her and trying to make her subordinate to me and has no respect for my position and my being in it. Niiiiice. This also coincided with discovering that my former manager had expressed doubts about my ability to do my job. Granted, he doesn't express himself well and I was hearing this thirdhand, but it still hurt because frankly, right now I feel like I suck at my job. And I dislike my job. And apparently my job dislikes me. But I feel rather stuck and unable to leave because I'm in graduate school and enjoy a fairly flexible schedule and would likely need to take a pay cut (because I have no skills). I know that right now my confidence is extremely low because of all the IF stuff, so the coworker double whammy hit me hard. I think I cried three times on Thursday.

Our weekend was good though. We finally crawled out from under the IF rock and bought ourselves an entertainment center AND a new tv. I also enjoyed a much needed long weekend. I felt so tranquil over the weekend. I can't remember the last time I felt so tranquil. It was exciting to spend money on things other than IF things! I really began to feel like everything is going to be ok. It's been hard maintaining that tranquility this week at work, but I really want to hang on to it. I felt like last weekend we met the ghosts of who we were before IF, and it has reminded me that all is not lost or as bleak as I think. It's weekends like that that make me think that maybe I can see my friend's baby and that maybe things will be ok with my newly pg friend. I'm not ready for the stiff upper lip quite yet, but it was nice to be reminded that we are fortunate in so many ways and that our IF is not the end-all, be-all AND that the realization didn't upset me.

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