Monday, September 17, 2007


It's been a while since I posted! First of all, I had a good birthday. 30 isn't as bad as I feared. Husband and I met with a local adoption agency last week, and the meeting went well. We're still exploring our options, though, and the "S" word (surrogacy) keeps coming up. I believe that we have declared a moratorium on baby discussions for a few days.

Mothers. Mothers are tough. My mother and I have a tenuous relationship. She knows about everything we are going through and tries to be supportive but has a talent at saying the wrong thing. I think it comes down to the fact that she and I are very different. She's very demonstrative and open; I am not. There's also a bit of emphasis on her way. I don't feel comfortable confronting her because she can turn on me in a second and say some pretty hurtful things.

The problem is that I think we both want a closer relationship but can't. Something has changed between us lately, and I think she is mad at me and considers me to be self-centered and spoiled. Like I want to avoid her. Well, some of that is true, but I also stay away because she can be very hurtful. When we visit them, it usually takes less than 30 minutes before she says something hurtful that makes me wish we had never come.

I will admit that we pulled away from most of our family the first year of our IF. We kept thinking a resolution was just around the corner and that we wouldn't have to share the info, especially since we know our family and how they respond to things and provide comfort. I think my mother resents that separation but can't understand why we pulled away. I don't think she understands the isolation and bitterness of IF, and it doesn't help when she says awful, hurtful things.

So, as usual, I am left feeling guilty. I'm very good at feeling guilty. I just feel like something is wrong and she is irritated but I can't confront her about it b/c I know she won't understand and can't understand...she's of the "suck it up" school of dealing with adversity. I can only hope that once we have a child somehow, things will change. Until then, I guess I will feel guilt, guilt and more guilt.

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