Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Need a Nudge

I think I'm depressed. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm depressed with a dash of anxiety thrown in for good measure. I feel like I should be happier. Or at least relieved since we have a plan. Hell, we may even have a surrogate. We've been talking with a local surrogate, and things seem promising. I think, though, that I've just reached a point emotionally where I'm stuck not feeling great. I need a nudge to get me moving again. It's probably time to see the ol' therapist again. I saw an IF therapist briefly over the summer, and I hated her. If I need someone to minimize my pain, I can save $40 and call my mother!

I wish it would feel like fall. It's friggin' 90 degrees today! That's definitely not October weather. Happily, the temps are supposed to approach something fall-like later in the week. I love fall. I adore fall. My mums are blooming, and they are huge. I don't feel like my mood is stable enough to enjoy fall though. Somedays I think about buying more mums and pansies and making a harvest scene on our lawn like the neighbors do. I think about buying Halloween stuff to lure the trick-or-treaters to our house (our house is set back from the street a bit). But then I wonder what the point is. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, but is it pathetic to derive so much enjoyment from it when we don't have children and who knows when we will? I feel like such a fraud.

I saw my newly-pg friend K on Sunday. She's looking pudgy and cute. Actually, she looked like hell, but at least she had a reason to, n'est-ce pas? I ended up trying to vent to her about how I was feeling--irritated by family, hurt by everyone's lack of concern/interest, lonely, etc. and I'm not sure she even paid attention. She definitely didn't get anything I was saying. She did offer to be our surrogate in a few years though. Nice gesture. It came out of left field, so I'm not sure we were appropriate grateful. Things seem a bit awkward and vague with her. I can't decide if it is her pg brain, her acknowledgement of the awkwardness of her being so easily pg while we are not, or if I'm just being paranoid. My big fear is that things with K and her husband G go the way of our other friends J&J. However, we need to keep K and G as friends, so I've decided to try to ignore any hurt feelings or discomfort on my end and plow on.


Brave China Doll said...

Thanks so much! My doc is going for 2-3 follicles. I currently have 4 as of this morning that are growing. So, we shall see... :-)

Take care,

Samantha said...

It's starting to feel like fall here, but a little cooler would still be nice. I'm sorry you're feeling down. You should enjoy Halloween if you want to. There's no reason why you can't, whether you have kids or not! We never get any trick or treaters because we live in a small townhouse complex, so I think they all go elsewhere.

Brave China Doll said...

Thanks, Elizabeth. Yes, taking the Ovidrel back was some sort of condolence. I think the poor pharmacist just felt so badly for me.

Thanks for the support and sympathy. I know you know how it feels...