Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Not Completely Misanthropic After All

Good news today for a former cycle buddy of mine. We cycled together in April at my former clinic -- both of us receiving BFNs. It was her third and final cycle, and she and her husband moved to adoption. Their profile was active with a local agency at the end of August, and last week they were matched. Today they were able to take their baby home after the 7 day revocation period ended. About 2 months from start to finish! I am SO happy for them! And it makes me so happy to be able to say that. I can't remember the last time a baby announcement didn't trigger envy and bitterness. I'm relieved that I am still capable of feeling happiness for others.

Amazingly my old clinic provided my medical records in less than a week. I need to drop them off at the new clinic this week since my appointment is next week. I don't know if the new doctor will have a chance to look over them, but it's worth a try.

I hate endo. I had a lap in January to remove an endometrioma and laser off more endo implants. I was on lupron for 2 months before cycling for IVF and after 1 month of BCPs, the cyst was starting to re-form. 9 days of stims later, and the cyst was back. Great. Fast forward to now. More cyst pain. It's not horribly painful (more like a dull throbbing), but the right side of my abdomen and the right side of my lower back ache. Worst of all, it feels like it did before my lap in January. My own clinic planned to drain the cyst, but I have no idea what the new clinic will do. Obviously they'll have to do something because they probably won't let me stim like this. My previous doctor refused to do another lap while I still wanted to cycle because of the damage it could do. When it throbs like this, all I can think about is removing my right ovary and tube. Would that bring me relief? My previous RE mentioned that I would likely need a hysterectomy one day. Nice. What's funny is that the pain isn't really all that bad right now. It's constant, but I've had much, much worse. It's like my threshold for pain has been lowered by all this. Or maybe it's fatigue. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of all of this.

And now for a bit of shameless vanity. I pull my hair back when I am getting ready in the morning, and as I looked closely in the mirror this morning, I noticed gray hairs in the under sections of my hair. Lots of them. I FREAKED. I just turned 30 in September, and I swear they sprouted overnight. I've always been very vain about my hair (it's my best feature in my opinion), and it just crushed me to see the grays. I've never dyed or highlighted my hair before, but I guess I'll have to start if the grays become noticeable. Ugh! I have to admit that my first thought was that my hair was one more thing that was being taken from me. I already feel humbled and less of a woman b/c of IF...let's just take my one beauty too. Humph. Nice and melodramatic :-)


niobe said...

It seems like you can't catch a break.

I'm glad to hear that you can be genuinely happy for your friend, in spite of all that's happening.

Brave China Doll said...

Thanks for sharing your experience with me. Were your RE's ever concerned about you carrying? Mine is just freaked out about it and doesn't want me to even take the chance.

I hear you on the cyst pain. I don't have endo, but I guarantee I've got cysts from this last cycle. I had this pain yesterday on my right side that took my breath away. I echo your sentiments of just being tired of all this.

P.S. I've had grays since my early 20's and now dye my hair. I'm very vain about mine too, so I understand.:-)