Monday, March 17, 2008

Monday Blahs

I really hate Mondays. I'm sure that's a universal sentiment. It's especially bad right now because I'm in the thick of my grad school semester, so weekends are spent trying to do that work (because I can't get my ass in gear during the week), so they seem very short, too short. Plus, my next holiday isn't until Memorial Day. Sure, I have vacation, but I'm a hoarder and I'm trying to save it as long as possible and I just took a day two weeks ago when my mother and stepfather came to visit. But I really, really want another day. Sigh.

Anyway, long story short, all of the above is combining to make me have a pretty bad case of the Mondays. On days like this, I listen to the dark, moody songs on my iPod which also have been what I listen to when I'm feeling really blue about IF. Here are a few heavily-played songs:
  • Fade to Black (Metallica)
  • One (Metallica)
  • Ridiculous Thoughts (The Cranberries)
  • Blow Up the Outside World (Soundgarden)
  • Hate Me (Blue October)
  • Yellow (Coldplay)
  • High and Dry (Radiohead)
  • Karma Police (Radiohead)
  • Let it Be (The Beatles)
  • Patience (Guns N Roses)
  • Sour Times (Portishead)
  • Sweet Dreams (are Made of This) (Marilyn Manson version)
  • Violet (Hole)

Quite a depressing list. But I like it. I think that it's healthy to acknowledge and wallow (briefly) in those feelings as an antidote to the relentless commands from clueless people to think positively or be positive. By nature I am not an optimist (I prefer realist), so these songs are my catharsis.

I'm in an interesting place right now. We have a surrogate. We are working on the contract. Things are progressing. I might cycle as soon as June. And EVERYONE is so freaking excited. Sometimes I get excited too. But then I remind myself that as usual, there is no guarantee that surrogacy will be our answer. As with IVF, surrogacy works for some and not for others. In some ways preparing for surrogacy isn't any different than the preparations I went through this time last year to prepare for my own IVF cycle. The only difference is that our surrogate has an intact uterus and 4 pregnancies under her belt. Which is a BIG difference! But still it's very similar yet so very different. Husband and I have noted that we are going to have to manage expectations from our friends and family. And maybe even our own expectations.

I feel like I'm giving everyone the impression that I'm OK. That I'm FINE. That I'm OVER all this IF stuff and have found a path that will work for us. But I'm not. I'm truly in a better place than I was last year, and I am looking forward to cycling with our surrogate. Who knows? Maybe it will work! But at the same time, I'm not that ok. Not much has changed in our situation other than our attitude (which is huge). We're still babyless and might still be babyless after we cycle. This new treatment direction doesn't really change anything about our situation.

Mondays. Blech. So what's on your dark/sad/moody/IF playlist?


unspecified42 said...

I'd be driving around listening to my Monday songs except my car is in the shop. It blew up this morning. After the paternity test, which ticked me off to begin with (long story, but we all know who his father is, unfortunately he's just a jerk).

Mondays suck. Mondays suck.

kate said...

I enjoyed meeting you this weekend as well. After I read your opening paragraph, I almost jumped straight down to your comments to say, "Sounds like somebody has a case of the MONDAYS", but then I saw that you'd already made the joke yourself. Oh, well. Chalk it up to great minds thinking alike.
Yeah, you TOTALLY graduated in '95- at least that's what your playlist screams! As a '94 grad, I recognize a fellow mid-90s teen... I think usually my list would look pretty similar to yours, but lately, I've been on the old-echoey-jazz, lone saxaphone, kinda blue-sounding stuff for my dark, moody times. It's a different, less active, more contemplative kind of moodiness that I've been having lately. Feh.

JJ said...

I get a case of the Munnndays quite often--today being one of those Muuundays.

Echoing Kate by saying it was so great meeting you this weekend--thanks so much for coming. I hope it wont be long before we can get together again.

I appreciate you sharing with all of us where you are in this journey--and I am sorry if I caught you off guard by asking how you are dealing with it emotionally--internally I chided myself saying "its emotional:PERIOD, JJ!"

Love your list of tunes...makes me want to get out some of my CDs! Im particularly fond of Metallica to make me feel even more moody!=)

Mrs.X said...

Ah, the Mondays. We all get them. Hopefully, you don't work in an office that actually has someone who accuses you of having a case of the Mondays.

I wouldn't worry about what kind of impression you are giving people. I think you are doing the right thing - knowing that you are going to have to manage their expectations and yours. This isn't done everyday, and you haven't ever done this. So, there can be no expectations.

You also can't walk away from your IF history just because you are moving on to surrogacy. Both events are still part of your life, since you are turning to surrogacy because of your previous infertility. They are intricately linked.

Just be mindful of you and what you need. Because, you need to be able to participate in this process for it to succeed. And, that's exciting but it's also very scary. You just have to allow yourself to feel everything and to experience everything.

You will get through this, no matter how it ends. You have that strength.

Kymberli said...

If only it was so easy as dropping the cloak of infertily just because you've stepped into a slightly warmer climate with the possibility even warmer days to come.
Are you a '94/'95 grad? I graduated in '95. My dark and doomed list for the most part is fairly crusty, though:

Deacon Blues - Steely Dan
Any Major Dude - Steely Dan
Four Cornered Room - War
Slippin' into Darkness - War
Black Cow - Steely Dan
Third World Man - Steely Dan
Sit Away Lonely - Boyz II Men
Distracted - Al Jarreau
White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane
Something's In the Way - Nirvana
Hotel California - The Eagles

sara said...

Hey there girl...I like your list! I agree that Mondays can sure suck a lot of the time. So true what you said about not necessarily feeling better just because you're at a different step of the infertility journey. I had some idiot at work the other day say that when people do IVF at least they should be happy that they'll get a baby out of it. Don't they know what things are really like? And why the hell would someone say that. It's like saying I'm sure you feel A-okay as if you've never been through all the ups and downs that you've been through to get to this point of using a surrogate. You're still on this journey like all the rest of us, and no none of or I ever completely feel "OK". Sorry for the rambling. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and hoping things continue to go smoothly :-)


e said...

I have a whole iTunes playlist just for dark IF days. Some excerpts:

Jeff Buckley: Hallelujah
Kaulana Kenekoa & Vince Esquire: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Franz Ferdinand: Eleanor Put Your Boots On
Dixie Chicks: So Hard (their infertility song)
Tracy Chapman: Fast Car
Blue October: Into the Ocean

And a lot, lot, lot of Beatles. Basically the entire Abbey Road album. And Across the Universe. But Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da is almost unbearable some days.

Ellen K. said...

BTW, the last comment from "e" was mine.