Thursday, April 10, 2008

April is the cruelest month

Thanks to JJ and her post on what would have been her due date for inspiring my post. One year ago this week I started stimming for my first IVF cycle. I was nervous and excited to finally do something that had a chance at working since all of my other cycles had been pointless. I don't think I expected IVF to work because that's just not my personality, but for the first time I had hope that maybe, just maybe it might. It could. It was the best shot we had so far.

I started stimming on April 7. Egg retrieval was April 18. 10 eggs retrieved of which 8 were usable. 7 of the 8 fertilized with ICSI. We transferred two 8-celled embryos on April 21 and were delighted that we had three embryos to freeze. The other two quietly expired. April 28 I started spotting at 7dp3dt and knew it was over because I always spotted around 10dpo until AF would come. The spotting continued all weekend and became a little heavier. Beta on May 2 was negative as I knew it would be though my progesterone was a decent 39. We had put the picture of our embryos on the refrigerator, and I loved to look at them, hoping one or two were settling in, but the picture became unbearable after the cycle failed. Husband quietly put the picture away in a safe place.

Sometimes it seems silly to remember all of these milestones because when you've been in the IF trenches long enough, every month is significant for some reason. Oh...April also happened to be the month I started my first Clomid cycle in 2006 after convincing my OB that my cycle wasn't going to regulate. That cycle was anovulatory which was as devastating in its own way in 2006 when I had no inkling of the true nature of our problems as the failed IVF was in 2007 when I knew IVF was our best and really only option. So, yeah, April hasn't been a good month for us. I like remembering the milestones, though. They are almost like merit badges I have earned if there were such a thing as an IF Girl Scout.

Thinking back to last year is doubly painful because at least last April we were doing something, and I feel like we are spinning our wheels right now. And if that IVF had worked, maybe I wouldn't be spinning my wheels right now waiting to get started with surrogacy; I'd have a 3-4 month old baby and have just returned to work from maternity leave. We might be considering ripping up the nasty carpet in our bedroom and the guest room or getting new couches because all of our money wouldn't be going to save for surrogacy. And I wouldn't be dreading attending my best friend's baby shower for her easily-conceived, first-month-of-trying baby girl this weekend.

Yeah, April is cruel.


Sue said...

It does often feel like you're spinning your wheels when you're not actively cycling. I hope this April will prove to be the start of something new for you rather than a reminder of what happened last April. I know those anniversaries can be really difficult.

JJ said...

Im sorry April is tough for you as well--I do echo Sue's thoughts, and hope that THIS April (and many to come) will soften the hard memories--for both of us=)

niobe said...

Those memories really hurt. Wishing you better Aprils.

sara said...

I'm hoping this April will be a better one than those past. It breaks my heart to think of you looking at the pictures of your embryos and then having to place the picture away. I think that sometimes the only thing that helps us get past those difficult memories or milestones is when we are able to replace them with newer happier ones. The unfair thing with infertility is that we never know when we'll be able to grasp onto those happier milestones. I hope yours comes soon, you certainly deserve it to! Sending you some UU hugs.

kate said...

I'm sorry that April has been so crappy for you. Here's to hoping that this April is better. Even though you feel like you're not doing anything, you have your path set in place, and if I recall, at this point, you are just waiting for the timing to be right with your surrogate, is that right? So even if you aren't doing anything specific, you are on the path to doing something, so in my opinion, that counts for something, right?

Here's to hoping that this April can be simply uneventful for you.

sara said...

Hey just checking back to see how you're feeling. Hope you're hanging in there okay...I was thinking of you.

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