Tuesday, April 22, 2008

What Fresh Hell is This?

I appreciate all of your commiseration on the cholesterol issue. I'm going to try to worry about it less; it's not like I don't have a billion other things to worry about! I've convinced myself that it's possible it's a side effect of the Effexor I am taking (according to Google), and I've added fish oil and almonds to my diet, and I'll worry about it more once things are a bit more settled. That's all I can do for now.

April has truly been a very, very odd, weird, rough month and just keeps getting odder and rougher. If I believed in karma, I would think that I need to have mine cleansed.

First of all, Authentic Happiness. I attended a session on authentic happiness at our organizational development meeting on Friday, and it was a mistake. I disagreed with the facilitator's definition of happiness (a life well-lived, a life of virtue), and he rubbed me the wrong way by telling us being happy is preferable to being depressed because people don't want to be around unhappy, depressed people (don't I know it). Talk about blaming the victim! So it's my fault no one wants to be around me? No wonder my support system is lacking. Gee, let me just put on a happy face. He struck a nerve b/c that is something that has bothered me for a long time. Of course I want to be happy! But I believe happiness is a very personal thing and will differ from person to person. I also rebel against the idea that the goal is to be shiny, happy people. Bad things happen! Life isn't pretty. I'm not sure how I can overcome it to be happy right now. Not happy as he defines it. And I'm tired of people expecting us to hide any less-than-happy feelings. I believe that invalidates our situation and how we feel. Ugh.

Secondly, I arrived home to find a thick envelope like what an invitation would come in. I noticed the Georgia return address and felt a bit shaky. In November 2007, I wrote this about my best friend and her new boyfriend:
I received a bit of a shock from one of my friends yesterday. She wanted my
blessing to date a guy with whom I have some history. The three of us were very
close friends in high school, and while he and I didn't date, we have...history.
It sort of didn't end well. The two of them have remained friends, and they
recently decided to try dating, and she wanted to make sure it was ok with me. I
was floored. I never, ever expected the two of them would get together. It
doesn't really bother me, but it is weird. I believe that he has always wanted
to be with her, which sort of disconcerts me because I wonder if he ever cared
for me at all. And suddenly I'm back in high school, feeling second best to
everyone and in everything. It's odd how things work because I had already
realized that our infertility reminded me of how I felt in high school: left
out, not fitting in, weird, hoping and waiting to be in a place where I
belonged. And now my friend is dating a guy who was a big part of my high school
years. Wow. Life is strange.

I opened the envelope, expecting an invitation to their wedding. It turns out it was an announcement of their MARRIAGE. In FEBRUARY of 2008. WTF? You mean they've been married for two months and I'm only now hearing about it? How did I go from being a bridesmaid when she was engaged before to not even rating an email or phone call? I was shocked. And they've only been dating for a few months! Why the quick wedding? Ahhh, I bet she's pregnant. But my friend is rather outspoken and would have told me. What is going on? I still couldn't get past the 2 month delay in notification.

I emailed her and finally heard back from her yesterday: yep, she's pregnant. I'm assuming that's the reason for the wedding. She's also been really sick with a kidney infection, hospitalization, adverse effects to medication, etc., which is what delayed notification. I'm still stunned. Of all the people in my life, she was the last one I expected this announcement from. The history of the three of us made the situation awkward already, but add in her pregnancy, and I feel like someone slapped me. In November, I was able to find a rare empathy with her as we commiserated over feeling left out and not where you thought your life would be (her: broken engagement; me: infertility). And now only a few months later, she's got it all. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all this. He lives in NC, and she will be moving to join him in July, and his house is kind of near my mother's house in my hometown. This just keeps getting better and better.

And to make a great day even better, I had an email from our surro telling me that she found a lump in her breast. She went to the doctor immediately, and he thinks it is a fatty deposit common after childbirth, but she needs to have it aspirated and biopsied. She doesn't think it will impact our surrogacy plans. OMG! Of course her health is paramount, but what is going on? What's next?

32 comments:

Sharon said...

Hi Elizabeth,

I wanted to send you a personal e-mail but couldn't find your address! I love reading blogs and since I am a blogger myself I try to find topics of interest that I can write about from other bloggers. I noticed that you are thinking Surrogacy and as you can tell by what I write on Surrogacy 101 (http://infertilityanswers.typepad.com/surrogacy_101/) I am into 3rd party reproductive stuff...ART. Being a Gestational Surrogate 2x and, before that, experiencing seconday infertility gives me a ton to blog about. I'm just writing you to offer my support and hope that you do have some good news in your future. If you want to explore the ins and outs of surrogacy (or anything else) then you can feel free to write to me. I no longer am in the matching biz so to speak, but I do have a lot of contacts and might be able to help in some small way.

Have a great week!
Sharon


Infertility Answers, Inc
www.InfertilityAnswers.org
http://infertilityanswers.typepad.com/surrogacy_101/

Samantha said...

Yikes! I'm sorry that you've had all of that piled on top you in one day. I was just writing about how my SIL's situation makes me feel envious because she also moved a warp speed.

No one should be told that people don't want to be around them because they're not happy enough. That's just bullshit.

Kymberli said...

Geez, Elizabeth - you can barely catch a break before you're hit with something else! I'm always scared to ask "what next?" because it seems like karma (or whoever/whatever) bites back and says, "THAT'S what." I hope that your surrogate is okay.

sara said...

Wow, you certainly have had a crappy last few days. I am really sorry, that truly sucks. I can't even imagine the shock and dismay you must have felt when hearing from your friend (especially in that manner). I hope your surrogate is okay and that things work out quickly. Sometimes being shiney happy people just isn't practical or realistic....just annoying. I agree whole heartedly with your opinion of that!

niobe said...

Sometimes life really seems to suck. A lot.

nutmeg96 said...

Oh man. What a bunch of upsetting news. I hope your surrogate is ok.

JJ said...

Oh my goodness..what a time to bang your head up against the wall! We need to get together ASAP and Ill share some wine with you ;)
Im sorry for the news about your friend--AFTER the fact. I would be pretty hurt...
Thinking positive things for your surrogate--hoping everything is OK!

kate said...

My goodness. What a lot to deal with! Reading your descriptions of the happiness-dude made me want to punch him in the face. Without sadness, we don't understand and appreciate happiness. So yeah. People are going to have ebbs and flows. Sadness is just as valid as happiness, and is a normal reaction to things that go awry. Things only really become a problem if you find yourself unable to be happy in the face of situations that warrant happiness. What a douche that guy is.

Anyway, as for your friend, I am so terribly sorry that you have to deal with that. I, too, have dealt with plenty of friends easily getting what I so badly want (be it education, or marriage or babies), but in the end, I think that this lengthy path towards these ends that I always seem to take has lead to me feeling more content once I am able to get those things. I mean, I watch my friend who married her high school sweetheart the day she graduated from college (an easy path with a lovely lifestyle paid for in full by her parents), and even though she had some struggles with fertility, she got her "end" relatively easy (a bit of clomid and metformin- not to trivialize her struggle, but certainly not years and years of waiting...) when she had her second child about 4 years ago.
Anyway, when I talk to her now, it's like she doesn't get anything that I'm going through (even though she was exactly where I am a few years ago), but at the same time, I don't necessarily get very much of what she's going through. I go where I want when I want, I haven't spent the last 8 years being a stay at home mom, and I have certainly enjoyed dating a variety of people before settling down with my husband. I have studied intensely about 5 different majors before settling on my current one. And even though I resent that every single major life accomplishment has been difficult at best, I've tried to force myself to recognize that for the most part, I'm very happy with where I've landed, and I'm very happy with who I am, and I wouldn't have landed here, and I wouldn't be who I am if the struggle had been any less.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that regardless of how impatient I am, I have to look back on the last 10-ish years and appreciate who I am as a result of the scenic route I've taken. I'm pissed and resentful that none of it has been easy, but ultimately, my life has been richer for it. And I think that for people who get things easily, their lives are no better, and in some ways are worse because they are not able to see how awesome things are for them.

Feh. I don't know. Blog hijacking is over- I guess I had a lot to say about that...

Ultimately, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you have to deal with this and that I hope your karma purge finishes itself off soon.

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