Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Flinging Pens at the Wall

This has been an interesting week, and it's only Tuesday. Yesterday, I had planned a slightly smug post on how I handled yesterday's petty work irritations with a zen-like calm. However, at the end of the day, I encountered a major issue that left me unsettled due to the (unexpected) amount of work it would take to fix it (it's not anyone's fault; it's an issue of migrating to a new system and some code is no longer supported, but it's going to take some re-work). The realization of the issue stuck in my gut, and I felt like it would foreshadow the rest of the week in terms of unwelcome surprises and frustrations.

And it has been all of that. I had my pre-op visit at the clinic today, and again I had to wait ridiculously long for the 10-minute session. Then we tackle the nurse coordinator in charge of surrogacy, and boy, is she grumpy and crabby. I asked about our cycling schedules and ordering meds, and she again gave vague responses. I asked how long our surrogate would need to be on lupron and whether it would be enough time since my last BCP would be Aug. 14 (since I have no other pills). She snarkily replied that I would be on pills until I was told otherwise and that someone would call me when it was time to order meds. Ok, now I'm pissed. Is it that hard to be organized? Is it that hard to have approximate dates? Of course it doesn't matter to her when we cycle but sure as hell matters to me who has been waiting almost a year for this.

My fear now is that she will dawdle and we'll have to wait another month because we missed the window for our surrogate to begin lupron. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became, so if we haven't received anything in a few days, I'm going to have Husband take care of it. But finding out that I wouldn't be stimming around Aug. 19 was a kick in the gut. Even though I told myself not to, I had become attached to that date.

Then, back at work, I returned from my 2-minute journey to our kitchen to discover that the clinic had called to inform me that the time for my procedure on Thursday had changed. Of course, they didn't leave the time. I call back and get voicemail and live by the phone for the rest of the afternoon, snarling at anyone who called that I needed to keep the line clear. At 4:30 I called HER and we agreed on the new time of 2:30. She suggested 8:15 at first, but I've already rescheduled meetings for that morning and don't want to have to reschedule them again.

And then a coworker comes down and informs me that our systems administrator is on the warpath because one of my sites is throwing an error on the new server set-up (which is still in testing by the way) and the coworker had to fix it and just a heads up b/c the sys admin is irritated at my "lack of consistent linking" and wants to discuss it and may have me change everything. And there's the other shoe dropping, the sick feeling in my gut that I've had since yesterday. First of all, why didn't she call me about this and give me the chance to explain and fix it. I heard nothing. And then I realized I can't even get to the new server to fix it and when I try to call her and my coworker, they are both conveniently gone for the day. Nothing like dropping a bomb and leaving. And here I am left to stew over it.

I'm just so damn tired of all this. I don't feel like I am allowed to make a mistake. I feel like they are waiting for me to make mistakes. I had reasons for what I did (though the error was of course unintentional), but now I feel like nothing I say will make a difference, and that I have no idea how to do my job. And deep down, I believe that.

I thank you all for the techniques you gave me to try to relieve my anxiety, but it's not working today :-( I'm trying to figure out a way out of this situation, this feeling. I purposely gave up one of my applications (the hands-on coding of it) because I was tired of fighting with the IT manager who hates the way it was done (even though he doesn't use it and doesn't know anything about programming). Now I wonder if I'm not going to feel at ease until I give up all of my sites and take myself out of the equation.

5 comments:

Duck said...

Bad days are bad days, you're not having anxiety, it's a crap day, that's it that's all.
Sorry to hear about your nurse, like surrogacy isn't hard enough - let's be mean on top of it!

Sue said...

I'm sorry you're going through so much stress right now. I hope things get better soon.

Samantha said...

Shit happens at work sometimes, and sometimes coworkers aren't so good at handling it either. At least the server's in testing, not production! Computer programming can be notoriously fickle, no matter how well you do your job.

Hang in there with the cycle, I think things will come together even if they're being stingy with the information.

Kymberli said...

Why does it seem like things always wrinkle and tangle all at once? I hope that everything smooths out just as quickly as they jumbled. And the nurse coordinator - irritating, at best. I wouldn't wait a few more days. Call tomorrow until you get a straight answer. Ugh - vague answers are annoying beyond all belief.

sara said...

That surrogacy coordinator sounds like she's in the wrong line of work! Talk about uncompassionate! Sorry about the crabby lady and the work situation. I think I would be ready to bang my head into the wall with both of those situations. Hang in there girl - this has got to be incredibly tough...I hope it improves soon. ((hugs))