Monday, July 14, 2008

Forward Motion

Summer is OVER! Thank goodness because I think I was going to go crazy if I had to go one more day.

I had my appointment with the clinic so the RE could take a gander at my ovary last Friday. I waited TWO HOURS for my appointment and predictably, the appointment itself was over in about 5 minutes. The doctor can't decide if what he saw is an endometrioma or fluid in my tube that is distorting the tube and making it wrap more around my ovary (thank you again, endometriosis, for the gift that keeps on giving). He asked me if the tube had been cauterized, and I told him yes. He smugly replied, "yes, I wrote a paper on that years ago that has now become standard practice." I hope he couldn't see me rolling my eyes on the table. He's decided that he wants to take a closer look and drain what's there--whether fluid-filled tube or endometrioma--before we cycle. It will likely take place in August. I asked, "will I get a day off from work?" He replied, "yes," and that's all I needed to know :-)

So, I started Provera on Saturday and will take it for 10 more days. Eventually, I will get a period. I say eventually because in the past, it has often taken at least 7 days for me to get a period after taking Provera. After that I will start BCPs (huh? I thought he didn't want me on them?). Our surro will likely have started BCPs about a week before I do. Once I'm on BCPs, I'll have the cyst/tube drained, and then once they tell me to stop the pill, we'll be ready to cycle!

It's kind of weird being on Provera again. I associate it with failure and frustration. Provera was what my gyno prescribed after my second cycle off BCPs lasted for 70 days. Provera is what I took 2 more times when I still didn't ovulate and before I started Clomid. It's what I took after I didn't ovulate on my first cycle of 100mg of Clomid. It's so "Year 1" of my infertility journey. In some ways I think of us as nearing the end of our journey: if surrogacy does not work, we will move to adoption. So it seems fitting that our journey both begins and ends with Provera.

My best friend K started a baby blog about her daughter, E. For some reason, her blog hurts a bit. I remember feeling kicked in the gut when I first visited J's blog for her daughter, but it's primarily pictures. K's posts are real posts, and K is blogging about her adventures in motherhood. K is a good writer, and her posts are witty and poignant. And so happy. I compare my ramblings in this blog (an infertility blog) to her posts and feel like I am lacking in comparison. But is it the blog or just my perception of our very different situations?

We're going to the beach on Friday. Oh. We are now an iPhone family. Husband stood in line for 8 hours on Friday to procure them. I'm a little scared of it, but I am in love with how intuitive it is. Me with an iPhone. Is a Mac far behind?


Sue said...

Your happy blogging time will come too. Have fun at the beach!

Duck said...

Somedays it's hard to read about happy posts, as it seems so foreign, so I understand.

I hope it's a funky tube that they are looking at (my lefty became a big fat tube right before I started my IVF cycle - just to be annoying I think), and it eventually went back to normal. According to my RE fluid filled tubes are common with endo, because all the scar tissue etc etc.

I am so excited for you to start cycling, and to follow your journey as your surro becomes pregnant and you become a mom.

Samantha said...

I too have taken provera for all of those reasons. I also try to view it a little bonus. While other women have to wait for their natural cycles, I can time things anyway I want them with a little provera. Small comfort, I realize, but it did let me feel little more in control. It's the first step toward a new cycle.

Enjoy your time off and enjoy the beach!

sara said...

I wish that I could just fast forward to August for you. I want you to get to that point and really feel started soon. Hmmm, I think you may be right that there may be a Mac in your future, LOL! And for what it's worth - I really enjoy reading your posts. I think you are a good writer, and I always am excited to read an update from you :-)

Kymberli said...

Yet another step closer! I've had many days on Provera. I tend to think of it as something good, though. Something that must be done to get moving on to something better. Just a difference in perception.

Once you're in a different and better space (I have hope that it will happen!), I think you'll perceive your friend's blog differently. Just remember that people's perceptions are their realities, and how you feel about the blog now is perfectly understandable.

kate said...

Ooh, yes! Come to the dark side! We Mac users are a lot of fun (we're also all 23 yr old hipsters if you believe the commercials, right?). I've actually considered getting an iPhone, since my old phone is going to bite the dust any day now, but I just can't bear to part with the cash at this point. Oh, well.

And I'm glad you get to go to the beach. I'm considering a beach trip later in the summer, but haven't worked out the details yet. I've actually not been to any NC beach yet. I've got to go soon!

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