Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Greetings on this quiet (at least in my world) Wednesday! We are 15 weeks today! Sometimes I can't believe how quickly the last few weeks have passed, but I know I still have quite a bit of time to go. Yesterday, F told me that she is pretty sure she is feeling the baby move. She has felt it three times and says it feels like something is moving under her skin. This is her fifth pregnancy, so she's the expert! We were very excited to hear that he is moving.

I started back on the anti-anxiety medication on Friday and after a rough few days of being jittery and not sleeping, I think it's back in my system. I already feel calmer and more detached from some of my stressors, so I'm hoping my last few working weeks of 2008 can proceed smoothly and calmly and that I'll be able to relax over the holidays.

I went to a cookie exchange on Saturday, and it was mostly fun. I've known most of the women since 2001 when we met online planning our weddings. We soon met in person since we all live locally and have gotten together a few times a year at least since. Not surprisingly, I've pulled away from the group a little bit in the last 2 years because most of them have had babies, and it's just been too difficult. However, the cookie exchange is a tradition I try to participate in. they know about the surrogacy and eventually, the conversation moved to me and the latest news. I was a little bothered by some of their comments unfortunately. I mentioned that this baby was F's fifth pregnancy in reference to leaving some decision up to her, and one of the women commented, "So she's a pro" and then stopped, laughed and said, "She really IS a pro!" One of the women asked if F worked, and I told her that she was a SAHM and that her youngest had just started school this year. She commented, "Wow, how nice! I would love to get paid to sit and 'bake' a baby as my job!"

You can imagine my dismay. The whole conversation ruined some of my enjoyment of the day. For one thing, I bristle at the implication that surrogacy is a job and that we are F's employers. Sometimes I struggle to put into words the relationship we have with her because we are not family or friends (we didn't know her previously) and yes, we are paying her to carry our child. But it's not at all employer-employee. We' All the talk of it being a job and her being a professional seemed to cheapen our situation and relationship. I feel very protective of our surrogacy and path to parenthood.

I also feel bad because I didn't say anything to correct them when they made the comments. I've corrected people one-on-one in the past about surrogacy not being F's job, but I don't know why I didn't then. I consider this group of women to be fairly enlightened, so maybe it shocked me that they held some of the same misconceptions as others do about what surrogacy is. Also, I didn't feel completely in control of myself and responses due to the anti-anxiety medication, so I feared that my response would be less controlled than I liked. These women mean well. They are genuinely glad for us and would be upset if they knew I was hurt by their comments, so maybe that's why I didn't say anything. I guess in some ways I should be glad this situation occurred with people I like and in a fairly benign environment. It's good preparation for the comments we might receive once we announce our news at work and to the general public. Better start working on our answers...

Husband and I are headed to Asheville for the weekend on Friday for our annual trip to Biltmore House. We go almost every year for the Candlelight Christmas event and get sloshed at the winery. We've gone with friends and family in the past but really enjoy it just the two of us. I'm considering it a last hurrah for a while since we likely (hopefully!) won't be able to go next year. It's a special trip for us because we spent our honeymoon in Asheville, so it feels like an anniversary celebration every December we go.


Niki said...

Congrats on hitting the 15wk mark and to think that your little one's movements are being felt by your GC is super exciting!

I'm so sorry to hear of the hurtful comments. I struggle with those sorts of things. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but usually am just angered by ignorant, stereotypical comments. My experience is with the death of a baby, but I anticipate all the same comments once our GC gets pregnant. You may want to consider sending an email to co-workers explaining the process?! I think that the more educated people are about the process than the less likely they are to say stupid things. I read a letter sent by another IM to her friends, family and co-workers that had a FAQ section that focused on the misconceptions. I thought this was a fab idea! ((HUGS))

Duck said...

Congrats on the 15 week mark and sorry to hear of teh horid coments, some people are awful. Sometimes I guess peopel just open their mouth and insert foot, hurtful nonetheless.

JJ said...

Good grief...people. Just makes me shake my head-Im so sorry.
On a much happier note--happy 15 weeks!

Sue said...

Happy 15 weeks!

JourneyofHope said...

Happy 15 weeks. It's hard when a group of strong personality people get together. It can get pretty I'll-outdo-you depending on personality type. The media hasn't help the public view of surrogacy either so any type of stereo-typed comment is hurtful. Especially hurtful after everything that you have been through to get here. I think that the media really doesn't get the emotional side of surrogacy - why would they because that would make it less media worthy. This type of journey changes you - you learn so much about yourself going through it and maybe you need some new people. :O) I am glad that your meds are helping you out - bless them!

kate said...

Yay for 15 weeks! How exciting to hear he's moving!

And YAY for being back on anti-anxiety medication. I use anti-anxiety meds for situation-specific instances (such as flying), but it dawned on me the other day that the racing heartbeat and complete and utter panic I've been feeling in the last week when I try to sleep are, DUH, anxiety. A little xa.nax and suddenly, I sleep just fine, regardless of assholery on the part of my MIL (or finals, or holidays, or health-stresses or a frickin' brain that just cannot contain itself in any way...).

And sucky that your friends weren't more sensitive about your surrogate. I think you were right to just contain your response for the time being (since you weren't sure how you would handle it in a group, etc.), because it is such a difficult and dicey subject to broach, and even though their comments were kinda shitty, I think you were also right that they were just trying to find some sort of way to relate to this situation that they really don't understand. I know that when I get uncomfortable, I try to find something funny about the situation, and yeah, 99% of the time, I'm probably jamming my foot straight down my throat, but I never mean to be an ass. I just deal with discomfort by trying to change the subject. Which is not always so smooth.

Feh. I'm just sorry that you have to deal with this, sorry that you sometimes have to be a one-woman advocate for surrogacy education. It must be tough.

BUT, ultimately, you'll (hopefully!) end up with an awesome result that will make all of this discomfort worth it.

Have fun in Asheville- I've wanted to go to the Biltmore Christmas thing for a while now, but our holiday travels generally take us southward before going westward. This year, H and I will have the awesome timing to be able to celebrate our anniversary in New Orleans on the way home to Texas for Christmas. I am so frickin' excited, I can't wait! So YAY for holiday travels, all around!

TABI said...

Great news that you are at 15 weeks already! I've realized in this IF journey that even the people you think are going to get it, most of the time don't. I was out to dinner with some old work colleagues who are all bright, open-minded, progressive women of all ages. Pregnancy seemed to come up constantly in the conversation and then one woman said "I don't think I want a biological child, maybe I'll just adopt, but who wants to pay that much money!" and then the whole table proceeded to say "Well did you see that NYTimes article!" and they all scoffed at it and rolled their eyes. I was in shock. They don't know anything about me trying with a GS, but I realized what their true feelings would be if I told them. It was disappointing, but I know that in the end it doesn't matter. Those who love me will make an effort to understand and others might just not have the capacity to look beyond themselves.

Intending To Be Parents said...

15 weeks is so awesome! But as I write my comment, you are 16 weeks today!! Sorry I'm so delayed - scrambling around these days and keep getting behind in my blog reading. But so excited for you that things are going so well - that's awesome that F is feeling little wiggles!
That stinks about your cookie exchange - the fact that so many people just don't "get it" enough to not say stupid things. I must admit that with people I don't know at all, I usually just tell them that our GS is a good friend of ours because I don't like people coming up with comments and questions that are at all negative - but I don't feel like that's a lie because I really feel that way about her - it's just that we didn't meet before being matched for surrogacy. It's interesting how I get none of those negative comments when I say that, only comments like "wow - what an amazing friend you have" - funny because people should see it exactly the same way regardless - because when it comes down to it, really everyone should be saying "wow - what an amazing person to come into your life and do something so wonderful to help you"