Pins and Needles and Family Surprises

I intended to post earlier this week, but it has been a really busy week. That hasn't been a completely bad thing, though. You can probably guess that I'm pretty anxious for our second u/s tomorrow. I keep telling myself that it will more than likely be fine--no reason to think otherwise (well, other than our twin of course)--but my overactive imagination keeps exploring all the dark possibilities. No matter what, hopefully I will be alert enough to ask some of the questions we want to ask. I was as dumbfounded at our first u/s as I was at my first few monitoring appointments when I wasn't responding but couldn't think of my questions until later. And they don't volunteer information easily at my clinic; you usually have to ask and re-ask. I have to work late tonight due to a big migration, and I'm coming in a for a couple of hours tomorrow to make sure everything is working correctly, but after I leave for our appointment, I'm not returning for the day. Our appointment is at 10:20 and afterwards we will go to lunch with F.

I had some interesting, rather shocking news last week. I mentioned back in August or September that I found out my youngest cousin was starting down the IF path. Well, this cousin, L, called me last Wednesday to congratulate me on seeing the h/b at our first u/s. I thought it was really sweet of her and asked her how she was. She asked if I had talked to my mother and at that moment I knew: she is pregnant. And she is. She's about 4 weeks ahead of us. She had asked the family not to tell me until we knew what was going on with our situation. It was very sweet of her to be so considerate of me but somewhat annoying at the same time since no IFer wants to be the last to know and realize that everyone in her family has been conspiring to keep it from her. I talked to my mother, and it turns out that L has a thyroid condition that wasn't diagnosed until she was already pregnant and that she should have been on medication before she became pregnant. Apparently, there is a chance she could still miscarry.

I have a LOT of conflicting feelings about L's news. I'm happy for her truly. I hope her thyroid causes her no more trouble, and I'm glad she didn't have to venture down the IF path. But I'm kind of pissed at my family and at my mother. So my mother's sisters can keep their children's secrets but my mother can't keep mine? Granted, I never explicitly asked her to keep our news a secret at any point (mainly because I knew it would be futile), but it would have been nice. And it's rather infuriating that my mother can keep other peoples' secrets. Argh. However, in some twisted way, I think my mother's heart was in the right place (for once) and she was trying to be considerate of me (for once). She had no compunction about passing along other people's pregnancy news in the past.

I confess that I felt a huge knot in my stomach when L told me. You see, I have 3 cousins. Between now and next June, there is the possibility of 4 new babies in our family. That's wonderful, you might say. What a blessing! Except that I suddenly feel performance anxiety. Four! Can all 4 really happen? Who is the weak link in that chain? I feel like we are (because I always feel like I am the worst and lowest) though realistically one could argue it's my cousin L. Plus, the cousin who is due any day is on child #2. My other two cousins are siblings, so their mother will have two grandbabies. So that's 2 grandchildren for each aunt. And I just hope I can make my mother a grandmother of 1. I know it's not a competition and what will happen will happen. After my conversation with L, I felt like everything was doomed. Hopefully my thoughts are going to dark places for nothing.

I decided that I need to focus on the here and now. I look at our u/s pictures daily and send all the love I can to my wiggleworm. Hopefully we'll have beautiful pictures of an even bigger wiggleworm tomorrow.

Anticipation and Impatience

First of all, here's a picture of the cookies I made with my fall cookie cutters. The cooler weather has really made it feel like fall, and I love it! I plan to make more cookies this weekend and finally use my Halloween cookie cutters.

I wanted to thank you all for the comments on my previous post. You all were right about how I need to "own" the pregnancy as my own. I've been thinking a lot about that and have made progress on that front. As suggested by N, I've been thinking about starting a blog for my family and RL friends where I can post updates and pics as things progress. I'm unsure how receptive my family will be from a technology point of view, but I know some will be comfortable with the idea of a blog. We'll see. At any rate, it will be a nice way for me and Husband to preserver the journey.

We are 8 weeks today. This time next week will have had our u/s and know what's going on in F's uterus! I hope desperately it's a good appointment. She's still feeling quite sick and tired, which I cling to though I know that doesn't necessarily mean everything is ok. I've been telling myself for weeks that I'd allow myself to believe, to hope, to get a little excited after the u/s. I've stuck with that. I haven't looked at clothes or furniture. The only acknowledgement I have made is to start researching daycare LOL! Even though I've tried to remain somewhat at arms length, I can feel myself relaxing more and more each week. I am so ready to be able to accept this and start planning, to get my head out of the sand. I haven't read a thing yet on planning or parenting or anything baby-related, which is very unusual for me. Please, please let me be able to make that transition. Please let our appointment go well. I'm so ready for it!

Have any of you been reading the series of articles on surrogacy in the St. Petersberg Times? I'm interested to know how others feel about the articles. I'm conflicted. It's a decent series and handles the topic pretty well overall and puts a human face on surrogacy via the surrogate. I'm a little bothered by the language used: professional surrogate, the IM contemplated "getting rid" of her current surrogate and egg donor, the constant emphasis on cost. The language just seems carelessly chosen, and I wonder at the motivation of the reporter and how much she delved into the surrogacy community before writing it. I wonder if it will do more harm than help the perception most people have of surrogacy.

On the Cusp!

Cold is gone. AF is here, and tomorrow morning I go in for my baseline u/s and bloodwork. Keep your fingers crossed that everything looks good! It's hard to believe that I might actually have my first injection tomorrow night.

Guess that means I better shave tonight LOL. Even though I lost all modesty long ago when it comes to doctor appointments, I have not managed rid myself of the instinct not to have hairy legs. Ridiculous, I know.