Friday, June 13, 2008

Coming Down

Happy Friday the 13th! I love it. No triskaidekaphobia or Paraskevidekatriaphobia here! I am so glad this week is almost over. Husband has been involved in a huge project that has reached its peak this week, and thankfully it ends on Sunday. I'm training a student intern, and I really just want to be left alone this week.

Coming down. Husband and I talked about it and decided that I should wean myself off my antidepressant before we cycle. I wasn't thrilled with that idea b/c I'm not sure now is the best time to do it (stress, anxiety, etc.), but at the same time, I don't want to have anything in my system that might impact egg development. I know that the likelihood of that happening is low, but if my egg production is crappy or we have crappy embryo development, I'll always wonder (but nobody is taking away my wine). So last week I started my decreased dosage, and boy do I feel emotional. It's like pretty bad case of PMS. I also feel a little blue. It amazes me to think that changing my dosage could affect me so dramatically already, so I wonder if I'm just stressed overall. I'm sure I'll adjust soon, but I'm trying to be aware of my moods and manage them before they get out of hand.

My book club read Jeffrey Eugenides' novel Middlesex for our June meeting. I had read it before, but I really enjoyed it the second time around. It's yet another one of those before and after books. I read it 5 years ago before I know about our problems, and reading it now was interesting. I promise that I don't go around finding IF relevance in everything I read. It is just a coincidence that it happened with back-to-back books.

Anyway, the main character of the novel is a hermaphrodite or intersexed individual. She appeared to be a girl at birth, so she was raised as a girl, but she is genetically male. Her condition is an accident of fate and genetics. The novel has a lot to say in terms of gender roles and what makes a woman a woman and a man a man. Callie doesn't discover her true gender until she is 14, and until she does, she feels out of place because she isn't developing like other girls.

That's a very quick and dirty summary, but the bottom line is that I identified with Callie and her struggle. Having a uterine anomaly, I understand feeling like you've lost the genetic crapshoot. Feeling like your life would be SO different if only you'd developed normally. And thanks to my uterus, I often feel like less of a woman. I'm not whole. I'm not saying I feel like a man, but I don't feel like a woman or like much of a woman. I'm sure that feeling is one that many of us have felt as we have struggled with IF. Ehhh, not very profound (I haven't finished my coffee yet), but I certainly didn't expect to find commonality with a hermaphrodite!

Send good wishes and congratulations to Samantha, who received long-awaited and much-deserved good news at her beta yesterday.


niobe said...

I know ADs are supposed to alter your mood, but I always find myself amazed when I alter my dosage (for whatever reason) and find (surprise!) that they actually do alter my mood. Good luck.

Samantha said...

Thanks for the shout out!

I think going off ADs is tricky, even if you're mentally ready to do so. They do alter your body chemistry.

Thanks for the book suggestion. Maybe I'll check it out of the library. IF can certainly gives all a different take on our bodies.

sara said...

I actually just bought Middlesex, so it is good? It looked really good, but I'm in the middle of like two other books, but it's next on my list. Interesting what you said about the UU and feeling like life would be different without it. Even though I've been lucky enough to get pregnant (and I don't mean to sound ungrateful) I still feel like it has come back around to bite me in the ass again and threaten taking away our chance once again with this whole incompetent cervix thing. It's like it never really goes away. Having the abnormality changes your life in so many ways, but I know you know that all too well. Sorry to ramble, but your post really hit home. Especially since I just bought the book! I hope everything goes well with changing up your medication. I'll be thinking of you! Holler if you ever need to talk, okay? I mean it.

scarredbellybutton said...

I've not read that book, but that is just how I feel about my UU as well. The combo of UU and IF sucked all the womanliness out of my body/mind.

Duck said...

Just found you on the big blog roll. Looking for some others that are pursuing surrogacy... sorta lost in the surrogacy world so far, but found out yesterday that the uterus will never work, my lining does not grow (i got that endo too).
i never hated or feared friday the 13th before yesterday, now I will never be the same.
Just reaching out,

kate said...

Ah, the brain is such a weird playground, isn't it? I've been exploring the options of antidepressants for headache treatment, and for now, have decided against (at least for the time being...), but I now have a much clearer picture of how incredibly delicate the brain chemical balance is, and exactly how helpful ADs can be.

It's all so weird the way the body/mind work, and I totally understand wanting to give your body the most unadulterated chance to produce the best eggs possible. Aside from the mind-body connection, as far as I understand, there is little evidence that ADs affect egg quality, but yeah- I totally understand your reasons for wanting to take a break from the ADs.