Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Can't Speak

Isn't it funny how when the event on which you have been waiting for years finally happens, your secondary reaction is terror? Now that the initial jubilation has passed, I am terrified of something going wrong. The terror manifests itself in my reluctance to speak or write about our status for fear of jinxing it. I have wanted to post for days but haven't been able to. Every time I do talk it about it, I feel like begging whatever deity may or may not control the universe not to punish me for my audacity.

Ugh. It's going to be a long 34 weeks. I'm going to talk about it tentatively here. According to those due date calculators, we are 6 weeks along today. I have a tiny "6" noted on our kitchen calendar but can't bring myself to number the following weeks. Maybe I can do the "7" this weekend. F tells me that she feels sick and tired and already has difficulty buttoning her jeans (this is her 5th pg). Good stuff I hope!

Husband and I worked in the yard over the weekend, and I think for the first time in years we both felt a sense of calmness and accomplishment as well as energy because we were tackling projects that we had wanted to for a while as well as just having energy to live vs. energy that just keeps us going. I bought fall cookie cutters and made sugar cookies. I love the fall. Adore it. I love decorating and cooking and planning for the holidays but as the IF crap intensified, I went through the motions each fall, but it wasn't the same. I remember posting this time last year about how I felt myself getting excited for Halloween and then wondering what the point was. I enjoyed making those cookies last week, and silly as it is, those cookies symbolize that maybe, just maybe things really will be different. Last week and this week I was truly able to enjoy the season. Hopefully next week I will be able to as well.


N said...

It's totally and completely normal. I worried like that until about 24 weeks and then it got better. Order a home doppler around 11 weeks and it will make you feel so much better...your surro can use it whenever you freak out to confirm that all is so well. :)

I love the fall too, btw. :)

Duck said...

Hey,I know that calm feeling. We're nowhere near a transfer but now that we have found someone and she's starting to get all the screening done and we have this feeling of relief, total relief, we now have hope, for the first time in years :). Try and enjoy.

sara said...

I hope you are able to enjoy the season as well. I hope that by Thanksgiving you want to make such a feast it's bursting out your front door and that by New Year's things are going so well you're toasting with every neighbor in sight! But I also understand your hesitation. I'm sorry that you've had to endure past events that leave you feeling that way - I know only time can heal certain things. But know in the meantime I'm always here to listen. Lots of hugs in the meantime - and I'm so happy to hear that you're at the 6 week mark!

On my calendar I could only stand to number the first week of every month. Like fourth of July week and then the the first week of August with whatever week in the pregnancy it was for us. I'm not sure why - it's like I didn't want all of those little numbers staring back at me, and I didn't want to number too far ahead on the calendar what week each was. Like I couldn't number Labor Day when we were in July. Is that weird?

Sue said...

It's totally normal to worry, just try to remember that most of the time, everything is fine. Congratulations on reaching 6 weeks!

kate said...

What a bizarre place you must be in, to finally feel a bit of hope after so long, but to be scared of those hopes being dashed again. Didn't Obama write that book- the Audacity of Hope?

Well, the best I can offer is that I will be sending peace-vibes in an easterly direction, and hoping that they ease the next 34 weeks.

And I totally love fall, too. I wish we were getting a bit more of the fall weather lately, but I, too, have been eyeing the pumpkin patch on the way home from school, waiting for the right time to dig out the fall wreaths and make an apple-cranberry tart and hearty soups and fill the house with cinnamon sticks and warm smelling candles... oh, I just love it. And I'm glad that this fall is so full of promise for you.

(And you totally reminded me that I really do have to get out and do some yard work this weekend. All of my crazy zinnias are still hanging on, but everything else just looks raggedy. I really need to get some planting done... thanks for the reminder!)

nutmeg96 said...

I totally understand your fears. I hardly blogged for a couple of months after finding out I was PG again because I was terrified of another loss. When I started going to a peri at 8 weeks and they asked my due date, it felt wrong even stating it, because I'd had two due dates before that amounted to nothing.

I'm still terrified of another loss. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I think when you've had adversity like those of us in the IF world, it makes it really hard to just greet pregnancy with open joy. People try to tell you to be excited, that everything will be ok. But I know that doesn't help, so all I will say is that it helps me to try to just take one day at a time.

We are all pulling for you!

JourneyofHope said...

It was really hard for me too after we first found out. My situation is a little different as to why we need the help of our surrogate but that fear is the same. I wish that I could say that it goes away - it doesn't really. It just matures a little. May time treat you gently and speed along quickly. The first trimester ticks by slowly, but once you are past that hurdle - it literally flys. I look forward to following along with your journey.

Ellen K. said...

I didn't number more than 1 week out in my calendar for at least the first trimester. I think it is normal. It definitely has affected my writing and blogging -- PG has been much quieter than I thought it would be.

I'm glad you're feeling so seasonal, though! Mmmm cookies. : )

Kymberli said...

"The energy to live vs. the energy that just keeps us going"...oh, how this resonated within me today. I have to think on that more...I feel like I'll be writing on that concept soon. Such a true thought, and I never really looked at it that way before.

You can't speak, but you've said it all. I'm so very happy for you.

Carolyn said...

How exciting! I can't wait to hear more about this in the coming weeks and months. Congratulations!