Mostly Good News

Today was the long-awaited u/s. I had a hard time sleeping last night and felt even more nervous today. It was like the first day of school and Christmas Eve combined :-) I'm happy to report that we saw a wriggling, dancing alien with a hearbeat. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. The sad news is that it looks like we did have a twin that stopped developing about a week or so ago. The doctor measured the baby at 8w2d, which is a little less than the almost 9 weeks we are, but I know that's pretty normal, right? He wants to see us again, so our next appointment is on Nov. 7. We had hoped to be released to the OB today.

I know he said everything looked good with our dancer, but I am slightly freaked out. I had hoped today would bring some relief, but now I'm even more anxious and scared and worried. And I'm sad for our twin. But I'm happy too. We have pictures, and it is amazing.

It didn't help that Dr-Says-the-Wrong-Thing said, "aren't you glad that you put back 3?" as we were staring at the monitor, feeling happy for our 1 and sad for the other.

So, I'm a mix of feelings. I didn't expect to feel so mixed up. I guess I just need to keep taking deep breaths and enjoy today.

Anticipation and Impatience

First of all, here's a picture of the cookies I made with my fall cookie cutters. The cooler weather has really made it feel like fall, and I love it! I plan to make more cookies this weekend and finally use my Halloween cookie cutters.

I wanted to thank you all for the comments on my previous post. You all were right about how I need to "own" the pregnancy as my own. I've been thinking a lot about that and have made progress on that front. As suggested by N, I've been thinking about starting a blog for my family and RL friends where I can post updates and pics as things progress. I'm unsure how receptive my family will be from a technology point of view, but I know some will be comfortable with the idea of a blog. We'll see. At any rate, it will be a nice way for me and Husband to preserver the journey.

We are 8 weeks today. This time next week will have had our u/s and know what's going on in F's uterus! I hope desperately it's a good appointment. She's still feeling quite sick and tired, which I cling to though I know that doesn't necessarily mean everything is ok. I've been telling myself for weeks that I'd allow myself to believe, to hope, to get a little excited after the u/s. I've stuck with that. I haven't looked at clothes or furniture. The only acknowledgement I have made is to start researching daycare LOL! Even though I've tried to remain somewhat at arms length, I can feel myself relaxing more and more each week. I am so ready to be able to accept this and start planning, to get my head out of the sand. I haven't read a thing yet on planning or parenting or anything baby-related, which is very unusual for me. Please, please let me be able to make that transition. Please let our appointment go well. I'm so ready for it!

Have any of you been reading the series of articles on surrogacy in the St. Petersberg Times? I'm interested to know how others feel about the articles. I'm conflicted. It's a decent series and handles the topic pretty well overall and puts a human face on surrogacy via the surrogate. I'm a little bothered by the language used: professional surrogate, the IM contemplated "getting rid" of her current surrogate and egg donor, the constant emphasis on cost. The language just seems carelessly chosen, and I wonder at the motivation of the reporter and how much she delved into the surrogacy community before writing it. I wonder if it will do more harm than help the perception most people have of surrogacy.

Musings

Yay for it being Wednesday and another week down! The clinic called on Friday and wanted to reschedule our u/s for Nov. 1 due to a doctor conflict! Ugh! Thankfully, after I reminded them that they have two doctors in the practice, we were able to reschedule the u/s for Oct. 28 and with the doctor with whom we have been working all along. So only one day longer to wait.

My mother emails me at least once a week to "check in." I have some mixed feelings about it. I tell her what I know/have heard from F, but beyond that, I'm not sure what she's asking. I assume she's asking about the, um, happy situation. Is she asking only about that or is she checking in on me as well? I usually also tell her how crazy work is, how busy I am with school, etc. I know she's excited, but it's a little weird for me b/c I'm not the one experiencing the happy situation, so I'm not sure what to tell her and what she wants to hear. How did others going through surrogacy handle such inquiries?

I'm a little irritated by a close friend--someone who considers us best friends-- and her reaction to our news. Basically, she responded "awesome" and then went on to talk about herself, and I haven't heard anything more from her since. Well, I've heard some about her new job. I'm trying not to be oversensitive, but I guess I thought that maybe she would...I don't know...be a little more engaged? Even though it hurt, I engaged with her when she was pg. I suppose I thought that since our friends hadn't really been there for us during the dark times, maybe they'd be there for us during a happy time. I guess I was wrong on that as well. I know it's early, and I know she's busy with her new job and 5-month-old. I also know that she is and has always been somewhat flaky. She always tells me what a good friend I am, but it's never reciprocated. I hesitated even to post about it b/c I'm not exactly talking much about our situation yet and wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. But it's really bothering me.

I think the bigger issue is that even though I'm more cynical than that, a part of me hoped that maybe things would magically spring back to normal with our friends if we had success and all the stress on those relationships (naturally caused by our inability to you know, just get over it and act like everything was hunky dory as they proceeded to journey to the next stage of life) would be repaired. And that Husband and I could and would forgive and forget all the hurts they caused us by never calling, seldom emailing, changing the subject if we expressed sadness, anger, or bitterness, not acknowledging birthdays, basically not being what we consider friends when we needed them most. We aren't the same people as we were 3 years ago, though. We've become accustomed to being alone, and that's ok. And I really don't want to focus on this friend and her behavior and count only the slights when this is a great time for us and so many people have been genuinely happy for us. Hopefully writing about it will help me exorcise some of the anger I feel.

I don't want to end this post on a nasty note, so here is a picture of my mums in full bloom:

Can't Speak

Isn't it funny how when the event on which you have been waiting for years finally happens, your secondary reaction is terror? Now that the initial jubilation has passed, I am terrified of something going wrong. The terror manifests itself in my reluctance to speak or write about our status for fear of jinxing it. I have wanted to post for days but haven't been able to. Every time I do talk it about it, I feel like begging whatever deity may or may not control the universe not to punish me for my audacity.

Ugh. It's going to be a long 34 weeks. I'm going to talk about it tentatively here. According to those due date calculators, we are 6 weeks along today. I have a tiny "6" noted on our kitchen calendar but can't bring myself to number the following weeks. Maybe I can do the "7" this weekend. F tells me that she feels sick and tired and already has difficulty buttoning her jeans (this is her 5th pg). Good stuff I hope!

Husband and I worked in the yard over the weekend, and I think for the first time in years we both felt a sense of calmness and accomplishment as well as energy because we were tackling projects that we had wanted to for a while as well as just having energy to live vs. energy that just keeps us going. I bought fall cookie cutters and made sugar cookies. I love the fall. Adore it. I love decorating and cooking and planning for the holidays but as the IF crap intensified, I went through the motions each fall, but it wasn't the same. I remember posting this time last year about how I felt myself getting excited for Halloween and then wondering what the point was. I enjoyed making those cookies last week, and silly as it is, those cookies symbolize that maybe, just maybe things really will be different. Last week and this week I was truly able to enjoy the season. Hopefully next week I will be able to as well.

Milestone

We had our third and final beta today, and the number came back at 1892!!! Our u/s is Oct. 27 at 10am. Thank you all so much for your enthusiasm, excitement and good wishes! This is all still so unbelievable!

This is how we celebrated on Saturday.
Husband is a fan of Remy Martin XO cognac. He has been working on this bottle for years and a few years ago reached the point where there was just enough for a snifter or two left. He couldn't bring himself to finish it and buy a new bottle when so much was going so wrong. We promised each other that we'd finish it when we had some good news. Well, after the phone call on Saturday, he went straight to the bar, brought out the Remy and we finished it up. Cognac at 1:30pm tastes great! I haven't cried yet, but when I saw that bottle, I almost did because of what it signified.

So here is to reaching the milestone of having the u/s scheduled!