Monday, August 6, 2007

Decisions, Decisions

I'm feeling kind of numb. The weekend was ok. I had a pretty big crying fit on Friday, but after that I was ok. Husband and I had a pretty nasty fight last night, the kind where doors are slammed and we huff off to our separate corners. It was my fault. I felt we were being slugs and it irritated me and I commented on how he hadn't done anything all weekend. I really should have expressed my frustration over how WE hadn't done anything all weekend and how I wish we had more motivation instead of being so mean to him. And now everything is awkward and weird.

We did have a good conversation about what to do next. Bottom line is that we are undecided for now, and I guess we'll discuss it more after our follow-up tomorrow. Basically, though, we both agree that we don't have much hope that another cycle will work. His fear is that even if we manage to become pregnant, my UU will kick in and cause me to m/c. It's a valid fear. Though my uterus would likely be able to carry a baby ok, we don't know for sure. Would bed rest be in my future? Cerclage? Pre-term labor? Premature baby? Developmental disabilities? Very valid concerns.

My belief is that we will never have to test my UU because I think it's unlikely I will ever get pg. I just believe that I have too much stuff wrong with me...some major underlying hormonal issue probably: pre-AF spotting; post-AF spotting, endo cyst, elevated testosterone, possible PCOS. When you consider all that and then throw on the added bonus of a uterine defect, it has to make you wonder if this is Mother Nature's or the universe's way of saying nothing's going to work.

Part of me wants to plunk down another $10k ("only" 10k b/c we have about $1k worth of meds leftover) to try, but another part of me feels like that would be foolish. We'd literally be flushing $10k down the toilet with nothing gained but certainty and heartbreak. And neither of us wants to do many more cycles. We just can't. This is an addictive roller coaster, and we want off. I don't even want to consider the possibility of immune issues b/c that's likely to bring a small glimmer of hope if we spend even more money. Maybe I'm silly, but as of 8/13 we will have spent 2 years down this road, and I'm ready to move on. I feel like I've lost two years and I don't want to lose more. I can't keep facing such extreme cycles of hope and despair. Maybe if we could do 4, 6, 10 more cycles, we'd achieve pregnancy and finally know how to work with my body. But I really don't want to do that.

But are we ready to move to adoption? And if so, are we ready to seriously consider international adoption or stay with domestic?

Definitely thoughts to ponder.

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