Monday, December 3, 2007

Exterior Lumination

This year I have finally achieved outdoor Christmas lights. We bought two deer from Lowe's, a set of lighted presents from Michael's, and I put colored lights on several bushes in front of our house. Husband got everything hooked up yesterday, and it looks great! We wanted to put up icicle lights on our roof, but I don't know if we're going to get to that. And I have yet to drag the Christmas tree downstairs, so all of our decorating has focused on the outside. That's ok. I felt like if we didn't get the outside stuff up over the weekend, we never would. And I finally started listening to my Christmas playlist on my iPod.

I think I've posted before about how this Christmas feels different from last Christmas. Last Christmas was miserable. I broke down in the mall parking lot while we were shopping because everyone around me was so happy (or seemed that way anyway), and they had families and we didn't and what was the point and when would the nightmare end. I'm sure all of us going through IF have had those moments. All I wanted was for the holiday to be over.

This year, I'm ok. I'm decorating the house. I'm thinking about Christmas cards. I'm listening to Christmas music. I'm allowing myself to feel excited. Around Halloween I posted about how I felt like such a fraud or as if I weren't allowed to enjoy the holiday because it was for children, and I don't have any. Last year I felt the same way about Christmas. This year, however, I want to take Christmas back. I have as much right as anyone else to enjoy this holiday. I'm enjoying making fun plans with Husband so that we enjoy the holiday. We're going to Biltmore next weekend. I'm enjoying my damn lighted deer in my front yard. And that's ok. That's allowed. I'm not quite 100% though. I love to entertain, but I'm not quite ready to throw a party where all my friends who are pg or have children attend, but that's ok too. Husband and I are doing the best we can. I've started telling myself that one day, it will be different. There will be children around. Some way, some how. Maybe surrogacy will work. Or we'll move on to adoption. So for now, I'm going to enjoy Christmas with my husband.

I told my father last night that we had decided to pursue surrogacy. He quickly replied that it was ok with him. People's reactions can be funny. When we've told family, they always quickly reply that it doesn't matter to them if someone else carries our baby or they don't find it weird or that it's ok with them. Their reactions lead me to believe that they do in fact think it's a little weird. That's ok. I think it's a little weird too, but we're going to do it. Surrogacy feels right to us, and we've never let our families' opinions influence us much (to their irritation). So thank you, family, for at least attempting to respond positively no matter how you might feel privately.


Brave China Doll said...

Good for you enjoying Christmas! We love it too. My husband has a playlist for Christmas on his iPod too! Have fun at the Biltmore. I love that place at Christmas! It gets you in the spirit.

Here's to hoping that next Christmas will be different for both of us. :-)


Samantha said...

I'm trying to enjoy some of the parts of Christmas, but I'm not exactly up for all of it this year either. Small steps forward.

infertility just sucks said...

I love this part - "I think it's a little weird too."

I think that sentence is more telling than it looks. When you think about it the whole concept of IF and treatment is flat out weird.

The things that we go through, the positions we assume, the crazy schedules, mood swings, the cost...Yeah, I agree. It's a little weird. :)