Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Reaching Out

Last week I had the best conversation with my estranged friend J that we have had since her baby was born. Quick reminder...she is the one who dealt with some slight IF at the same time I have been dealing with it, got pg on her first Clomid cycle and had her baby last year. We haven't been talking much because Husband and I couldn't bring ourselves to meet the baby (b/c it was painful), a fact which hurt and angered her, and we felt she and her husband were completely lacking in any empathy to our situation, which sort of prolonged the estrangement.

Anyway, we had an nice email conversation. She seemed truly happy that we are moving on to surrogacy and things seemed if not normal, more normal than they had been in a long time. Buoyed by good feelings, I somehow accepted an invitation to her daughter's 1st birthday party. It wasn't quite as impetuous as it sounds. I thought about it for a long time and finally emailed back that we would love to be invited and would try to attend. In some ways, I feel like I had no choice but to accept the invitation. It felt like she had extended an olive branch b/c she was saying all the right things about how she would like to invite us but didn't want to make us uncomfotable b/c she understood that we might not be ready...and I felt like if I didn't respond appropriately, that was it for the friendship.

I don't mean to give the impression that I was in any way coerced. I wasn't. It amuses me, though, because a few weeks ago during a sleepless night during my blue period, I fantasized about the scathing response I would give to such an invitation: lack of empathy, how alone we were, how the friendship apparently doesn't mean much to them since all the effort has come from us, etc. And when the opportunity arises, what do I do? I cave. It seemed like she really was making an effort and cared about us. I've been burned before, though.

I think we will go to the party. It's going to be a big party, so maybe meeting her baby will be easier with a lot of people around. I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to it, but I think it's something we need to do. Maybe we can get in and out quickly. I'm trying to get back to that state of mind in which I understand and accept that people have children and that my life is good right now and eventually, my life will be different.

In non-IF news, Husband and I saw There Will Be Blood over the weekend. I'm not sure what I thought of the movie, but Daniel Day-Lewis was great. He truly deserves the Oscar.

5 comments:

Samantha said...

It sounds like she was reaching out the olive branch, as you put it. It is scary to accept it sometimes, because you do risk being rejected again, but I hope the two of you can reconcile, because good friends can be hard to come by. AND I hope that the party won't be too bad.

Kymberli said...

Congratulations on your recent match with your surrogate! I hope that this is the start of a brighter future for you and the Husband.

I hope that the birthday party will put your relationship with your estranged friend back on the road to recovery.

Kymberli said...

Congratulations on your recent match with your surrogate! I hope that this is the start of a brighter future for you and the Husband.

I hope that the birthday party will put your relationship with your estranged friend back on the road to recovery.

Kymberli said...

Congratulations on your recent match with your surrogate! I hope that this is the start of a brighter future for you and the Husband.

I hope that the birthday party will put your relationship with your estranged friend back on the road to recovery.

sara said...

Good luck with the pary....it's cool you're giving things a chance. But boy o boy that can be hard sometimes when there is some history there.

When I met with the high risk peri guy again the other day...he said why aren't you just considering a surrogate if your best friend has offered? Boy, the surrogacy keeps coming up. You're the only other UUer I get to enjoy the surrogacy journey through. I just have this sinking feeling our first IVF won't work, and we'll end up with a surrogate. So take good notes for me. I don't know anyone else who has even pursued it!

I wish you the best of luck...keep me posted!

lots o hugs,
your uuer sara