Thursday, February 7, 2008

Longing

Apparently I am making leaps and strides in my ability to deal with the pain of IF. I write that somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but yesterday I did something I haven't done in a long time: I held a baby. And not just any baby but a 4-week-old baby girl. I didn't fall apart. My mood didn't plummet afterwards. What I did feel, though, was longing. I LOVED holding that baby. I loved the feel of that baby in my arms. Holding that baby reaffirmed what we are working so hard for. There have been times when I've wondered if maybe our difficulties aren't an indication that maybe we should consider a child-free life. And since nothing we have tried has ever come close to working, I have wondered if all of our attempts (surrogacy, adoption) would fail as well. We have a good life and could have a lot of fun just the two of us. I am an only child, so for me, babies and children are abstractions in many ways. They are something I want, but deep down I always wondered if I truly wanted them. But oh my God, yes, I do.

It feels a little inappropriate to write this post about someone else's live baby and the joy I had in holding her when there has been so much tragedy around the blogosphere this week. It makes me reflect on the difference between the fertile and IF worlds. This baby girl was a second baby for her mother and father, and both she and her older sibling were easily conceived. Both pregnancies never gave the mother much difficulty. This baby was also conceived around the time I had my first IVF and was born around the time my baby would have been due if IVF #1 had been successful. Juxtaposing this baby girl with the recent tragedy makes me wonder WHY tragedy, disappointment, grief and failure seem to occur in the IF world in spades. It's not enough that it is difficult to get pg? All the joy must be robbed from any achieved pg, and if you are really, really unfortunate, you might get to experience an awful, horrible, no-words-to-describe late pregnancy loss. It boggles my mind. I cannot comprehend such pain. I wish life were fair.

3 comments:

JJ said...

That is a huge step! I held a 5 week old this week, and the emotions that course through you are unspeakable: joy, sadness, longing, aching...

Samantha said...

Great to hold a baby! I actually don't see tiny ones that frequently, but I think it's probably easier to hold one than to look at pictures of one :)

It does seem like some people just keep getting all of the garbage, doesn't it?

Brave China Doll said...

I totally get the longing. That is the only word to describe that feeling. I think all of us going through IF know exactly what you mean. I agree with jj who said the emotions are unspeakable. It's an ache from the depth of the soul.