Farewell, 2007

I'm feeling introspective today which I suppose is to be expected since it's the last day of the year. First of all, I am THRILLED that Christmas is over. Our family obligations finally ended last Friday, and we were ready not to see any more family. Husband and I have agreed that next year we will do things very differently.

On paper, 2007 doesn't look like a very good year. Two failed IVFs; confirmed diagnosis of stage 4 endo and a unicornuate uterus as well as my right tube being cauterized due to being hopelessly messed up by endo; the return of my endometrioma and the pain and spotting it brings with it thanks to the stimulation drugs for IVF. Work stress and anxiety. Family stress and anxiety. Friend stress and anxiety including a paused friendship and watching friends effortlessly achieve what we want so badly. Coming to terms with the fact that I will likely never carry a baby.

However, 2007 feels much different than 2006 which was a truly horrible, horrible year. We finally knew what was wrong with me. We tried IVF and even though it failed, we've tried it. We have decided on a direction (surrogacy) and even though sometimes I'm frustrated with how long it will take us to proceed, we have a direction. And Husband and I are closer than ever. So, I feel like we are ending 2007 on a slightly more upbeat note than we did 2006.

As for 2008, I hope to god it's a better year. I somehow have to make myself be patient and get through the likely 6 months or more it will be before we can cycle with our surrogate. I'm returning to work on Wednesday feeling stressed and anxious still. January is often not a great month for me. The year feels too new...the holidays are too recently past, and after MLK Day, I don't have another day off for a holiday until May. I hope and pray January passes quickly. I'm taking two classes in grad school, so hopefully it will. I'd like to find some peace in 2008. I'd like to find the strength and fortitude to mend some friendships.

Most of all, I hope that 2008 brings some positive forward progress. This time next year I hope to be ending 2008 on an anticipatory note: we will either be preparing for the birth of our baby via surrogacy or moving on to adoption.

So, farewell, 2007.

Christmas Eve

I can't believe it's Christmas Eve. I feel like it should be only September. I know adults always said that time sped up as you grew older, but really, this is ridiculous!

We've completed one Christmas...only three more to go. Christmas for us will end on Dec. 28 after we meet my father and stepmother. The joys of having 4 sets of parents!

I feel a little down today, but I'm trying to get over it. I haven't been able to relax as much as I would like, and I think that has contributed to my mood. Plus, my lower back pain is still present--though not as bad--and it's a constant reminder of our situation. I want to rip out my right ovary and tube and hopefully bring an end to the physical pain I feel, but I doubt that can happen until after our surrogacy journey ends one way or the other. And since we aren't exactly sure when we'll be able to start cycling, it means I'll be dealing with the pain for a while. I never understood how people dealing with chronic pain could be sometimes depressed, but I do now. It's awful. And it definitely affects my mood. It IS getting better, though, so I'm hoping it fades completely in the next few days. At least it's now manageable with a couple of Advil. Thanks, endo!

Husband and I get to spend Christmas Eve together in our house, and that is so great. I'm roasting a turkey, and we'll have various sides. And later we'll go to midnight mass. I think it will be a special night.

Off to bake and cook. I hope you all have a very good Christmas.

Almost Done!

Today and tomorrow are my final days of work, but in usual fashion, my to-do list seems to grow longer every hour.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. I let AF come after two straight cycles on BCPs, and even though it was a very light one, I had a lot of side and back pain that kept me up for a few nights. Thank you, endo! I thought it was over and then this morning I woke up at 3:30 am with horrible back pain. Two advil did nothing for it. A Tylenol 3 helped a tiny bit but not much. I'm no stranger to pain because of endo, but this back pain seemed different...it seemed a little higher than my normal back pain. I was beginning to worry about kidney stones and other fun things like that, and I got up at 4:30 b/c why not? I can't sleep; I might as well get up. So here I am at work a little after 7. And I'm SO tired. Thankfully the pain seems to have lessened quite a bit. I am beginning to wonder if it has anything to do with my endometrioma. Did it rupture? I swear, it's always something with my body lately. If the pain returns, I plan on going to the doctor and begging to see someone. I don't know if there is anything they can do, but I want to rule out non-kidney issues. Of course this has to happen just before I go on vacation. Isn't that always how it works?

Christmas cards are done and mailed. We need to wrap gifts and finish decorating. We have been such decorating slackers this month. I'm baking goodies for my coworkers and need to figure out something chocolate to add to their bags. Maybe fudge? That's quick and easy.

We received a Christmas card from J and J, our friends with a 10-month-old. I was wondering if we would receive any acknowledgement from them since they didn't acknowledge our birthdays or initiate contact. It, of course, was a picture of their baby. Husband was a bit hurt b/c it wasn't personalized at all. I tried to explain that I doubted they were trying to make a point and that that's how those kid cards usually are. Because I tend to dwell and overthink things, I do wonder what their card means. Are they thawing towards us? Were we just on their list and the card doesn't mean anything? Are they being slightly passive aggressive by sending us a picture of their baby? I'd like to think that the card means they are thinking about us and not that we were just names on a list, but who knows with them.

And speaking of the kid cards...I am really growing to hate them. One reason is obvious, but I have another: I think I object to how unoriginal they are. They all look the same and are so impersonal. I like to think that one day when we have kids, we will make interesting cards with our family on them. I want our cards to be special. I could help but think about the kid cards we have received while I was doing our cards. I wrote messages in 26 cards...gee, after all, I don't have a cute baby to use, so I guess I have the time to go to the effort of actually writing a message and signing the cards. Not looking for a medal just a tad bit bitter :-)

Oh, I received an H for the semester in my grad school class. It's the equivalent of A. Yay! The professor wasn't the greatest teacher, but she is very smart and knows her subject, and she gave me some really good feedback on my papers.

Counting Down

Not counting today, I have 4 more working days for 2007. I cannot wait until Wednesday at 5pm when I stroll out the door and not come back until 2008. One of the perks of working at a university is that they give lots of time off during the holidays. My university has started closing to save energy, so we are pretty much forced to be off. Darn. What a sacrifice. I'm taking an extra two days in order to relax and do nothing before the holiday rush begins. Husband and I have 4 sets of parents between us, so the holidays can become very hectic as we try to schedule everyone.

In decorating news, the tree is up. My cats are so fascinated with it. It's adorable. They even sleep under it, and I'm hoping to stage a cute picture that can become our Christmas card next year. I still have a few more decorating odds and ends to do as well as Christmas cards, but after that is done, I'm finished.

I'm in an odd mood. Sometimes I feel really excited about the holidays and other times I wonder what I have to look forward to and feel like I'm going through the motions. Sometimes I feel like I'm forcing myself to do all that I am doing. I think that's ok. This time of year can be a rollercoaster emotionally for everyone, so I suppose it's normal to feel this way. Normal. Ha ha. That's something I haven't felt in a while. I think I'll be able to fully embrace the holiday spirit once I'm on vacation. Work has been a bit stressful lately, and I think that's contributing.

I'm going to a work baby shower today. It's the first baby shower I've attended in 2 years. I stared long and hard at the invitation when it arrived, but the mother-to-be is a good work friend, and I guess attending doesn't bother me as much as it would if it were outside of work.

I heard from our potential surrogate today. She is recovering well from the birth and reassured me that she cannot wait to do it again. That was just the email I needed!

Regression

I knew that when I posted last week about my new and improved attitude and general somewhat positive feelings that I was tempting fate and probably should have kept my mouth shut for fear of jinxing it. Sure enough, all last week I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety and what DH refers to as "torquedness." I think a lot of it was caused by the stress of getting everything finished for school.

However the real mood killer came later in the week when I received an email from my pg best friend telling me jubilantly that they were having a girl. I was first shocked because it was so unexpected. Last time I had talked to her about it, they were going to wait until January for the 4D ultrasound, so I was not at all expecting that announcement. After the initial shock passed, I was left with sadness. Husband and I always wanted a girl. Don't get me wrong...at this point if someone gave me a baby with three heads, 12 arms and no discernible gender, I would happily take it, love it and proudly raise it. But...we've always wanted a girl. And now both of our sets of friends who have conceived easily had or are having girls. It just makes it harder to take somehow. It's like...they get THAT too? Argh.

We had a good weekend though. We went to Biltmore House in Asheville for their Candlelight Christmas. We try to go every year or every other year. In recent years, we've gone with friends, but this year, we decided to go alone, and it was great. Good food, good wine, beautiful weather, great house. We got to do what we wanted to do according to our schedule. It was fun. I'm feeling a little guilty though because we didn't invite the pg friends along like we normally do. Husband and I talked about it, but we decided that we wanted a baby-free zone, and given the news we received from our friend the day before we left, I think we made the right decision. However, now I'm worried that our friends may be hurt by our action. We didn't tell them until Friday that we were going, so it seems a little surreptitious. But then the petty, mean part of me comes out, and I think, "Good. Be a little hurt. You get an easily-conceived baby girl in a few months. Surely Husband and I can have a trip to Biltmore alone." Hey, might as well enjoy our DINK status a little bit. Of course, I'm often guilty of over-thinking and worrying, so I bet my friend isn't thinking about our trip at all.

Tonight we put up the Christmas tree. After today, I have 7 more days of work in 2007. I am almost ready to start counting down the hours.

Forward Motion

I received an email from our potential surrogate this morning, and she had the surro baby on Saturday. Everything seems to have gone well. Wow. Now we can start talking seriously with her about matching. Obviously not right away, but a major hurdle has been jumped: she's had the baby! And I know it's silly, but I can't help but hope that her having the surro baby on our anniversary is a good sign.

Exterior Lumination

This year I have finally achieved outdoor Christmas lights. We bought two deer from Lowe's, a set of lighted presents from Michael's, and I put colored lights on several bushes in front of our house. Husband got everything hooked up yesterday, and it looks great! We wanted to put up icicle lights on our roof, but I don't know if we're going to get to that. And I have yet to drag the Christmas tree downstairs, so all of our decorating has focused on the outside. That's ok. I felt like if we didn't get the outside stuff up over the weekend, we never would. And I finally started listening to my Christmas playlist on my iPod.

I think I've posted before about how this Christmas feels different from last Christmas. Last Christmas was miserable. I broke down in the mall parking lot while we were shopping because everyone around me was so happy (or seemed that way anyway), and they had families and we didn't and what was the point and when would the nightmare end. I'm sure all of us going through IF have had those moments. All I wanted was for the holiday to be over.

This year, I'm ok. I'm decorating the house. I'm thinking about Christmas cards. I'm listening to Christmas music. I'm allowing myself to feel excited. Around Halloween I posted about how I felt like such a fraud or as if I weren't allowed to enjoy the holiday because it was for children, and I don't have any. Last year I felt the same way about Christmas. This year, however, I want to take Christmas back. I have as much right as anyone else to enjoy this holiday. I'm enjoying making fun plans with Husband so that we enjoy the holiday. We're going to Biltmore next weekend. I'm enjoying my damn lighted deer in my front yard. And that's ok. That's allowed. I'm not quite 100% though. I love to entertain, but I'm not quite ready to throw a party where all my friends who are pg or have children attend, but that's ok too. Husband and I are doing the best we can. I've started telling myself that one day, it will be different. There will be children around. Some way, some how. Maybe surrogacy will work. Or we'll move on to adoption. So for now, I'm going to enjoy Christmas with my husband.

I told my father last night that we had decided to pursue surrogacy. He quickly replied that it was ok with him. People's reactions can be funny. When we've told family, they always quickly reply that it doesn't matter to them if someone else carries our baby or they don't find it weird or that it's ok with them. Their reactions lead me to believe that they do in fact think it's a little weird. That's ok. I think it's a little weird too, but we're going to do it. Surrogacy feels right to us, and we've never let our families' opinions influence us much (to their irritation). So thank you, family, for at least attempting to respond positively no matter how you might feel privately.

School is Out and Anniversary Musings

As of 12:15 today, my semester officially ended. Yay! Unfortunately, I'm not quite finished with my final project yet, so I can't celebrate by wallowing in the 61 books I bought at the book sale. I'm close, though, so hopefully I can upload the project tomorrow and be completely done.

On Saturday Husband and I celebrated our 6th anniversary. We went out to eat at a really nice restaurant and gorged ourselves with great food and wine. Oh and dessert. Lots and lots of dessert. 6 years isn't one of those milestone years like 5, 10 or 20, but in some ways I considered it a do-over of last year's anniversary. Last year we had our first appointment with a new clinic on our anniversary. I was excited because I had heard good things about this clinic and at that point had been bleeding off and on for several weeks after my one failed IUI/injectable cycle and welcomed the fresh eyes on my case since my old RE didn't seem overly concerned about the bleeding. Our appointment was good, but it was at that appointment that I learned that I probably had a unicornuate uterus, my right tube didn't look good and was probably damanged by endo, and I had a huge cyst that was likely an endometrioma instead of the hemorrhagic cyst the previous RE diagnosed it as. Oh, and Husband's motility was low. Verdict: straight to IVF with ICSI.

In my heart, I suspected that I had a lot wrong reproductively and while it was nice to have my suspicions confirmed, it was a lot to take in all at once. And in IF, no one wants to have their worst fears confirmed no matter how vindicated they feel. Husband and I went home after the appointment and got ready for dinner. I can't believe I didn't cry, but I didn't. I think I was in shock and still trying to process everything. We had a good time, but needless to say, the probable diagnosis and need to move straight to IVF and its accompanying financial implications were on our minds.

So I feel like we were both in a different place this year on our anniversary and that we could enjoy it wholeheartedly. I love DH so much. We've had our ups and downs this year, but we have come through everything stronger. I know he loves me and is there for me. He has been my rock, and for that I thank him.

Already?

I opened the mailbox last night and found our first Christmas card of the season. Already? It's barely past Thanksgiving! I guess I shouldn't be surprised since lights have been going up in my neighborhood since before Thanksgiving (seriously!) and the stores replaced the Halloween stuff with Christmas stuff as soon as they could. I love Christmas, but I hate how much earlier it seems to start every year. Poor Thanksgiving seems like barely a blip on the radar between Halloween and Christmas. I'm trying to avoid decorating or buying gifts until Dec. 1. But I'm thinking about them a lot.

Busy

This week is crunch week for me due to the end of the semester. I took only one course this semester, but the fall semester always goes by so quickly. Here it is again the end of the semester, and I am as usual scrambling to get it all done. The good thing is that my last class is next Monday. Yay!

We had a good Thanksgiving. We had a pretty good time with our families. My mother gave me a great gift and told me that we could celebrate Christmas the weekend before Christmas. Husband and I usually have to rush back from my mother's on Christmas Day and go straight to his mother's, not getting home to celebrate our own Christmas until late that night. It means so much to us that we are able to spend Christmas Eve together in our house and sleep late on Christmas morning. We're hoping we can go to midnight mass as well.

Nothing new on the surrogate front. Right now we are just waiting for her to give birth! She did send me the information for the lawyer her current IPs used. The lawyer is local to the area, so that's very good to know.

Bliss

Bliss is 61 books. Last weekend was the county library's annual book sale, and I go every year. It is one of my favorite events, and to me, it kicks off the holiday season since it's usually the weekend before Thanksgiving. I bought 61 books and spent $37. Not bad at all! My arms are sore from hauling the books around, and I could have stayed a lot longer than the three hours I was there. They had a ton of good books this year.

I usually go with my best friend. This year, she is pg and had a childbirth class on Saturday, the day we usually go, so I went with her on Friday night and then returned on Saturday by myself. I was a little resentful of the change in plans b/c I'm usually so tired by Friday, and I have a lot school work to do to finish up the semester. Mainly, though, I think the resentment comes from the fact that she is pg, and I of course am not. I've been doing ok with dealing with her pg, but she can be a little flaky at times, and it's frustrated me that lately she never asks me one thing about what's going on with us. Also, she changed our plans for the book sale several times, and I kept wanting to scream, "I'm only doing this for you!" But I didn't. And I had a good time. And I'm glad we were able to preserve our yearly tradition. She's starting to show, which was a bit jarring, but I handled it.

And we met with the potential surrogate and her husband on Saturday. Busy weekend. It went very well. I love her! She's great. Her husband is great. They are people we could work with. I think working with them on our surrogacy journey is more important than trying to cycle in early spring. I can't believe I said that, but it's true.

The Ludicrousness of It All

Husband and I met with a new doctor at a new clinic on Friday to discuss surrogacy. I used to be a gynecological patient with one of the doctors in the clinic, and the gyn office used to be the office where the clinic is now, so it was a little disconcerting to be back for very, very different reasons.

We had to wait a long time to see the doctor, which was a little surprising since the waiting room was empty. The appointment went pretty well I suppose. It was sort of humorous going through our IF history: Oh year, I have half a uterus. And stage 4 endometriosis. And I don't ovulate and probably have PCOS b/c my testosterone is slightly elevated. And I spot all the time. And I have an endometrioma right now. And my right tube no longer functions and was cauterized. No, it doesn't sound very funny, but I guess it struck us as funny or unbelievable that one person could have so much stuff wrong with their reproductive parts. You have to laugh b/c the alternative is crying or jumping off a building.

The doctor agreed that it sounded like we were good candidates for surrogacy and sent a nurse in to talk with us. I was happy to hear that the clinic is doing more and more work with surrogates and estimates their success rates to be comparable with their donor cycle rates: about 70% or higher.

The only bad part of the appointment was that the nurse told us that it is unlikely we could cycle with our potential surrogate until at least June or July because of her pregnancy. The possible surrogate is due in early December and plans to pump breast milk for the Intended Parents for three months. The clinic wants her to be at least three months removed from lactation so her prolactin levels have fallen and cycles have resumed. I had my heart set on starting a cycle in May, but if we use the surrogate with whom we've been talking, they won't be possible. I know it's just a couple of months delay, but I hate waiting. So we may need to look into finding another surrogate. But I really like the one with whom we are talking. However, I have worried about whether cycling with her so soon after her current surro pregnancy was a good idea. Will her body have had enough time to recover? I really don't want to worry about her body still being stressed from pregnancy and that impacting our cycle.

Definitely stuff to ponder. Off to class...Only 3 more classes left this semester after this one!

Out of the blue

Now that it's a little cooler here (60 degrees today), the leaves are finally starting to change. I'm so glad we will get to see a little color change. I love seeing the leaves on the ground. I love everything about this time of year. I just wish it didn't go by so quickly.

I joined a new book club at the suggestion of one of my grad school classmates. I think it's going to be a good group, and we are reading some interesting books...not the typical Oprah book club sort of books. Yes, I am a book snob. Well, that's not completely true. I love books. I am a very fast reader, though, so I can't be overly picky about what I read, and I will read almost anything. However, I draw the line at Oprah's books. She just annoys me. I can't deny she has helped literacy with her book club, though, so I suppose she's not 100% bad. Anyway, I had a good time, but somehow, the topic of childbirth came up. It's interesting because only two members of the group had children, so it wasn't a topic I expected to come up. At first, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. At book club! Supposed to be a safe haven! I got through it, though I obviously had nothing to contribute to the conversation. Yesterday the classmate emailed me to make sure I was ok because I've told her about our situation. I was so touched that at her sensitivity and at the same time amazed that someone who is almost a stranger can show more sensitivity than the majority of my friends and family. I guess it is true when they say you can find support where you least expect it.

I received a bit of a shock from one of my friends yesterday. She wanted my blessing to date a guy with whom I have some history. The three of us were very close friends in high school, and while he and I didn't date, we have...history. It sort of didn't end well. The two of them have remained friends, and they recently decided to try dating, and she wanted to make sure it was ok with me. I was floored. I never, ever expected the two of them would get together. It doesn't really bother me, but it is weird. I believe that he has always wanted to be with her, which sort of disconcerts me because I wonder if he ever cared for me at all. And suddenly I'm back in high school, feeling second best to everyone and in everything. It's odd how things work because I had already realized that our infertility reminded me of how I felt in high school: left out, not fitting in, weird, hoping and waiting to be in a place where I belonged. And now my friend is dating a guy who was a big part of my high school years. Wow. Life is strange.

Not Completely Misanthropic After All

Good news today for a former cycle buddy of mine. We cycled together in April at my former clinic -- both of us receiving BFNs. It was her third and final cycle, and she and her husband moved to adoption. Their profile was active with a local agency at the end of August, and last week they were matched. Today they were able to take their baby home after the 7 day revocation period ended. About 2 months from start to finish! I am SO happy for them! And it makes me so happy to be able to say that. I can't remember the last time a baby announcement didn't trigger envy and bitterness. I'm relieved that I am still capable of feeling happiness for others.

Amazingly my old clinic provided my medical records in less than a week. I need to drop them off at the new clinic this week since my appointment is next week. I don't know if the new doctor will have a chance to look over them, but it's worth a try.

I hate endo. I had a lap in January to remove an endometrioma and laser off more endo implants. I was on lupron for 2 months before cycling for IVF and after 1 month of BCPs, the cyst was starting to re-form. 9 days of stims later, and the cyst was back. Great. Fast forward to now. More cyst pain. It's not horribly painful (more like a dull throbbing), but the right side of my abdomen and the right side of my lower back ache. Worst of all, it feels like it did before my lap in January. My own clinic planned to drain the cyst, but I have no idea what the new clinic will do. Obviously they'll have to do something because they probably won't let me stim like this. My previous doctor refused to do another lap while I still wanted to cycle because of the damage it could do. When it throbs like this, all I can think about is removing my right ovary and tube. Would that bring me relief? My previous RE mentioned that I would likely need a hysterectomy one day. Nice. What's funny is that the pain isn't really all that bad right now. It's constant, but I've had much, much worse. It's like my threshold for pain has been lowered by all this. Or maybe it's fatigue. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of all of this.

And now for a bit of shameless vanity. I pull my hair back when I am getting ready in the morning, and as I looked closely in the mirror this morning, I noticed gray hairs in the under sections of my hair. Lots of them. I FREAKED. I just turned 30 in September, and I swear they sprouted overnight. I've always been very vain about my hair (it's my best feature in my opinion), and it just crushed me to see the grays. I've never dyed or highlighted my hair before, but I guess I'll have to start if the grays become noticeable. Ugh! I have to admit that my first thought was that my hair was one more thing that was being taken from me. I already feel humbled and less of a woman b/c of IF...let's just take my one beauty too. Humph. Nice and melodramatic :-)

Fall--Finally?

It finally feels like fall. I love it! It's going to be in the low 60s today, and it's quite chilly right now. I even had to wear a jacket! I still can't believe Halloween is this week. Husband and I carved two pumpkins last night, so we're ready. We don't have candy yet, though. We usually get a fair amount of trick-or-treaters. Our house is set back from the street a bit, though, and our street is in the middle of my large neighborhood, so we don't as many as we might. I love my neighborhood because the families really get into the holiday spirit. Drive down any street and you'll see fall decorations: lots of mums, scarecrows, and pumpkins. Many houses decorate for Halloween as well, ranging from basic jack-o-lanterns to full-out haunted houses. It's great!

In surrogacy news, I talked on the phone with the potential surrogate last week. It went well, and I really like her. She is down to earth, and we agree on a lot of things. We talked for an hour and a half, which is amazing since I really dislike the phone. We're planning to meet on Nov. 17.

I have been asked by several people how I feel about using a GC. I feel good about it. Of course I wish that I could have the pregnancy experience. Not carrying my own child was something I had to come to terms with. I have had several good cries over never POAS and seeing two lines on the damn thing, never having morning sickness, never watching my stomach swell and never feeling a baby kick--all those iconic, Hallmark moments of pregnancy. It gutted me when I first realized none of that was going to happen once we decided to stop pursuing treatment with me. However, what gave me hope and comfort was the thought that even if I were unable to experience pregnancy, I could still pursue having a biological child, and to me, that was the more important thing. Focusing on that has helped me deal with the pain of not experiencing pregnancy.

Moving Along

I feel like I finally have some progress to report. We have been talking with a possible surrogate. She is local and currently pg with a surro baby. She's due in December and would like to cycle again next spring. We still have a long way to go, but things seem like they are moving in the right direction for now.

I've made an appointment with another clinic in my area. I was already thinking of using them since I know they have worked with surrogates before, but it helped the decision discovering that the potential surrogate cycled there last winter. The clinic added a new doctor, and I'm seeing him on Nov. 9. Hopefully my old clinic will cooperate in sending me my records in a timely manner. It's sort of amusing b/c this new clinic will be the third clinic I've used since May 2006. I'm running through the local clinic quickly LOL. There is only one more university-affiliated clinic that I have not used LOL.

My parents visited over the weekend. It was a pretty good visit. I think everyone was on their best behavior. Well, my mother did get a little, well, rather inebriated, but that's pretty normal for her. We went to the state fair, and it was horrifically crowded. I was instantly reminded of why we attend only every decade or so! Our families have started to surprise us by volunteering to contribute to the surrogacy fund. I know that Husband and I are adults and should not pursue any avenue that we cannot afford to pay ourselves, and normally, I would rather die than ask our families for money. We've always been the self-sufficient ones. Lately, however, it's been a bit of a source of contention with us b/c our families hadn't offered to contribute. I know that's an awful attitude, but our parents didn't pay for our educations. We paid for most of our wedding, bought our houses ourselves, etc. I guess it frustrated us b/c we kept getting the impression from them that we were somehow living "high on the hog" as my MIL said. Yeah...we have no insurance coverage for ART, so we have to pay for IVF ourselves and are still paying off April's cycle. We haven't bought anything for the house or worked on any house projects in 2 years b/c we couldn't afford it. Our vacations have been a couple of days at the beach at most. I could go on and on as I'm sure all of us on this rollercoaster could. But at the same time, we've been getting a lot of pressure from them wanting to know what our next steps would be. So, yeah, we really appreciate that they have offered to contribute. In some ways it feels like they are saying that they finally understand the gravity of our situation and the decisions we have to make and the path we are on. It feels like validation and that they are saying we can depend on them. It's nice!

We ran into my aunt, uncle, cousin, cousin-in-law and my cousin's baby at the fair. My aunt hugged me hard, and I felt like we had a moment. I had forgotten that she had several miscarriages after my cousin was born because of RH factor...no one thought to test my uncle. Anyway, I just felt that she understood and could empathize with what we are going through. It was nice to feel like someone in the family had an inkling of what we are going through.

Need a Nudge

I think I'm depressed. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm depressed with a dash of anxiety thrown in for good measure. I feel like I should be happier. Or at least relieved since we have a plan. Hell, we may even have a surrogate. We've been talking with a local surrogate, and things seem promising. I think, though, that I've just reached a point emotionally where I'm stuck not feeling great. I need a nudge to get me moving again. It's probably time to see the ol' therapist again. I saw an IF therapist briefly over the summer, and I hated her. If I need someone to minimize my pain, I can save $40 and call my mother!

I wish it would feel like fall. It's friggin' 90 degrees today! That's definitely not October weather. Happily, the temps are supposed to approach something fall-like later in the week. I love fall. I adore fall. My mums are blooming, and they are huge. I don't feel like my mood is stable enough to enjoy fall though. Somedays I think about buying more mums and pansies and making a harvest scene on our lawn like the neighbors do. I think about buying Halloween stuff to lure the trick-or-treaters to our house (our house is set back from the street a bit). But then I wonder what the point is. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, but is it pathetic to derive so much enjoyment from it when we don't have children and who knows when we will? I feel like such a fraud.

I saw my newly-pg friend K on Sunday. She's looking pudgy and cute. Actually, she looked like hell, but at least she had a reason to, n'est-ce pas? I ended up trying to vent to her about how I was feeling--irritated by family, hurt by everyone's lack of concern/interest, lonely, etc. and I'm not sure she even paid attention. She definitely didn't get anything I was saying. She did offer to be our surrogate in a few years though. Nice gesture. It came out of left field, so I'm not sure we were appropriate grateful. Things seem a bit awkward and vague with her. I can't decide if it is her pg brain, her acknowledgement of the awkwardness of her being so easily pg while we are not, or if I'm just being paranoid. My big fear is that things with K and her husband G go the way of our other friends J&J. However, we need to keep K and G as friends, so I've decided to try to ignore any hurt feelings or discomfort on my end and plow on.

Absurdistan Part 2

Back from my meeting finally. I still need to finish my morning coffee. Microwaved coffee= yum!

So, I'm not sure what the next step is regarding our surrogacy journey. I think we are going to try to do it without using an agency since agencies usually add an extra layer of expense. We'll see though. I'm not ruling it out if we can't find any matches on our own. I don't know if I should set up a meeting with a different local clinic soon (my own clinic seems reluctant to participate in surrogacy) or if I've got lots of time. Should I go ahead and start advertising? Ack.

I'm scared to death, but at the same time I feel like this is something we need to do. No, must do. Do I think it will work? Maybe, but I'm already thinking about how we might be moving to adoption at the end of 2008. But then again, I'm always a bit of a pessimist.

Change of topic: relationships.

I've been thinking a LOT about my behavior the last two+ years as Husband and I have tried to deal with infertility. I'm trying really hard to think about what I could have done differently to preserve relationships. It's hard because I still believe and always will that Husband and I have done what we needed to do to get by, even if that meant living a hermit-like existence. It's frustrating and sad when I sense that our friends and family attribute our hermitness to being self-centered, self-absorbed, etc. when the reality was that there have been many, many days and probably will be many more days when just getting out of bed and coming to work was all I could do. I've tried to stress to people that IF causes actual psychic pain. Would you rather I see your baby even though it would cause me excruciating pain? Do you think less of me because it causes me excruciating pain? Do you believe that it causes me pain or do you believe that I'm simply jealous?

With one friendship, I'm slowly coming around to accept that I have tried to explain the situation to her. I have apologized profusely. I have told her that this is not how I wanted it to be. I've told her that it's not personal. I've grovelled. And yet, it's not enough. I ask myself if it would have been better to see her baby, get it over with, suck it up. Maybe. Yet I couldn't. But maybe I should have. But I was so raw then. Husband and I were so raw with finding out my definitive (not good) diagnosis, accepting IVF was our best, only real option, dealing with horrific pain from the cystectomy. Now I won't see her baby b/c I don't like having it held over my head as condition for resuming "normal" interaction with them. I don't like how they took everything we have told them about WHY we couldn't see their baby and what we were going through and essentially said, "yes BUT...". I don't like how acknowledging their baby and happiness with a visit is somehow worth more than our pain and problems. Again, if we don't acknowledge the shit we're going through and scream how awful it is, who will?

I am in a much better place than I was a year ago or even a few months ago. Not a hugely better place, but I have made progress. In light of how everyone ignored Husband's birthday, I really am trying to examine our behavior and trying to be a better friend and daughter. I've invited my mother and stepfather to come up for the State Fair. I called her even though last week was one of those weeks where getting myself dressed and to work was the best I could do. I'm not looking for a medal, but I am going to try to be less self-centered.

But I'm concerned b/c I still find myself avoiding pg women, babies and baby-related events. I'm not sure if that's healthy or lazy. At what point does my "suffering" become self-indulgent? Those things are still painful to me.

I do find it amusing that I likely spend more time reflecting on our behavior and attitudes than anyone else we know does. I'm sure J (friend with the baby) is not thinking about us or whether her behavior was unreasonable.

Absurdistan

Wow, I've been quite the slacker at posting lately. First of all, I thank all of you who have commented on various posts. I've been really bad at acknowledging my visitors and visiting back, but I hope to do a better job from now on.

I think that Husband and I have decided what to do. We are going to try surrogacy. There. I said it. This post is pretty much the first time I've admitted it out loud. I'm mostly happy with our decision. This is the last avenue to explore to have a biological child. If surrogacy doesn't work, we will be able to commit ourselves to adoption 100%. I think that's fair.

Husband and I both agreed that we cannot wait a year or more to try surrogacy (one of my main sticking points), so we will likely cycle in spring 2008. Probably May-ish. That will give us time to finish paying off the IVF and FET cycles as well as save a little money to get us started. May seems doable but at the same time seems sooooooo far away. I am not a patient person, and I am already feeling antsy and like I'm crawling out of my skin with impatience. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the next several months. Hopefully school will help. I signed up for two courses next spring (I'm in graduate school), and this year will be over before I know it. Argh.

Like I said, I'm mostly happy with our decision. I would regret it forever if we never tried this. We're not rich by any means, but with some careful saving, surrogacy is manageable. Plus, we likely would be unable to try surrogacy if we adopted first, and who knows what will happen with my eggs in the next few years, so it's logical to try surrogacy first. There are times when I still want to smack myself and ask, "WTF are you doing?" I've often referred to our considering surrogacy as descending into the absurd. Well, I guess we are moving to the land of the absurd...Absurdistan.

Off to a meeting...more later.

Analysis Paralysis

I am feeling really, really down this week. I felt kind of down and "blah" last week, but I developed a head cold and chalked it up to that. However, the downness persists and has intensified. Some of it is due to PMS and AF...yes, for the third time in two years, I managed to ovulate on my own. Ovulating on my own would have thrilled me a year ago, but now that I know my uterine situation, ovulation is meaningless. And it was accompanied by the typical few days of pre-AF spotting but was more red than brown...a novelty for me. And now the cramps are starting to start, which remind me of the endo and how fucked up my body really is. Nothing like a few days of pre-AF spotting, horrific cramps and back pain and spotting that linger for several days after AF ends to clarify your situation.

Basically, we don't know what the hell we're going to do next. Husband and I keep discussing surrogacy like it's a viable option...for a mere $50k (at least), we might be able to have a biological child! I have a big problem with the money involved (geez, who wouldn't? We don't have that much just lying around), but my biggest problem is with the time involved. The earliest we would be able to try surrogacy would be likely be early 2009. We'd try to cycle a few times, so I'll give it a year. If it doesn't work, we'll move to adoption. Adopting domestically would take around 1-2 years, so that means that it could possibly be 3-4 years before we had a baby.

Because I'm a pessimist, all I can focus on is the worst-case scenario of it not working and that we could have 3-4 more childless years ahead of us. And if surrogacy failed, would we even be able to afford to move to adoption right away? I'm just not sure if I can wait that long. Ideally, we'd adopt first and then try surrogacy, but what are the chances that we would be able to save up the money once we had a newborn?

I'm just feeling lost. Two women I know are pg from their 3rd IVF cycles, and one has problems very similar to mine. It almost makes me want to try one more cycle on our own. Should we give up on my body after only 1 fresh and 1 frozen cycle? If my body's response to ovulation is any indication, then yes, we should give up. I'm very, very happy for those women, but I don't know where I fit. I'm not cycling. I'm not adopting (yet). We're not moving to surrogacy (yet). And we don't want to be child-free.

But I'm tired of waiting (stamps foot like two-year-old). And then I found out from a coworker that a former coworker's daughter is pg. This daughter had IF and apparently found success on her first IVF or something. And that makes me feel even lower because it reminds me that IVF does work for some.

I watched a special episode about Dr. Addison Montgomery from Grey's Anatomy as the character transitions to Private Practice. After Addison discovers that her eggs are bad, she breaks down, sobbing, "I'm barred and all dried up." I started crying too b/c that's EXACTLY how I feel. Barren and dried up.

Mothers

It's been a while since I posted! First of all, I had a good birthday. 30 isn't as bad as I feared. Husband and I met with a local adoption agency last week, and the meeting went well. We're still exploring our options, though, and the "S" word (surrogacy) keeps coming up. I believe that we have declared a moratorium on baby discussions for a few days.

Mothers. Mothers are tough. My mother and I have a tenuous relationship. She knows about everything we are going through and tries to be supportive but has a talent at saying the wrong thing. I think it comes down to the fact that she and I are very different. She's very demonstrative and open; I am not. There's also a bit of emphasis on her way. I don't feel comfortable confronting her because she can turn on me in a second and say some pretty hurtful things.

The problem is that I think we both want a closer relationship but can't. Something has changed between us lately, and I think she is mad at me and considers me to be self-centered and spoiled. Like I want to avoid her. Well, some of that is true, but I also stay away because she can be very hurtful. When we visit them, it usually takes less than 30 minutes before she says something hurtful that makes me wish we had never come.

I will admit that we pulled away from most of our family the first year of our IF. We kept thinking a resolution was just around the corner and that we wouldn't have to share the info, especially since we know our family and how they respond to things and provide comfort. I think my mother resents that separation but can't understand why we pulled away. I don't think she understands the isolation and bitterness of IF, and it doesn't help when she says awful, hurtful things.

So, as usual, I am left feeling guilty. I'm very good at feeling guilty. I just feel like something is wrong and she is irritated but I can't confront her about it b/c I know she won't understand and can't understand...she's of the "suck it up" school of dealing with adversity. I can only hope that once we have a child somehow, things will change. Until then, I guess I will feel guilt, guilt and more guilt.

Pausing a Friendship

We all know that relationships can take a beating when you are IF. I've been surprised at support received from people from whom I didn't expect it and just as surprised at the lack of support received from those from whom I did expect it. I think that Husband and I are going to have to press "pause" or even "stop" on our friendship with a couple of our best friends. These friends have a lot of history with us, so it surprises me that it's come to this. The wife even suffered with a little IF herself before getting pg via Clomid.

Our friendship has been on the rocks for a while. I would have said the rockiness started when I told her we couldn't see her baby after our IVF cycle failed last spring. However, I have learned that apparently the rockiness started when she was pg and felt that she had to bend over backwards for me and be overly sensitive to my needs instead of my being sensitive to hers as well as not being able to share her life-changing event with me. That's not exactly how I remember things but oh well. I guess it's easy to write off as insufficient the numerous daily emails we exchanged during her pg. And we discussed her pg often. We just couldn't see their baby. It was too raw. It hurt too much. But it was never personal, something I tried to explain over and over.

Anyway, this friend and I had started to reconnect (all the effort on my end since apparently I was the "sinner") this summer. Things were tentative, but I thought we were making progress. I even received 1 email from her that I didn't have to initiate (it's the little things that mean the most you know). I hoped that soon we would even be able to meet her baby b/c Husband and I had decided that we needed to live life and not let IF live us as well as accepting that some people are able to have babies much easier than others. It's a fact of life. We decided we needed to "deal with it" a bit more than we had been. I had a bit of a relapse in the "dealing with it" department after our FET cycle failed and I had to accept that we were unlikely to have a biological child and had possibly reached the end of our treatment path.

I emailed my friend last week (initiated by me of course) and during the course of our conversation, I asked her if she thought whether our friendship would ever be the same. She replied and told me that she didn't think the friendship would be able to start to heal until we were able to see her baby. Ouch.

The more I started to think about it, the angrier I got. First of all, I am so tired of people trying to control how Husband and I respond to and deal with our IF...it's pretty implicit in a lot of what people say that they think we should just get over it or at least wish we would because our IF makes THEM uncomfortable. Secondly, I have been over backwards for this friend. I have groveled and apologized for not being able to be there for her during her pg, not being able to attend her baby shower, not being able to see her baby. I've felt guilty about everything. However, I don't see much support being thrown our way. Our phone doesn't ring. We aren't getting many emails from them asking how we are doing. Where's our support? I've tried to explain to her that just as her new baby is her life, so is our IF. It's our reality and couldn't be more diametrically opposed to hers. She said she's not taking it personally and is trying to understand, but is she really? If she were, I wouldn't think she would hold this over our head like she is. Why is her child more important than our pain?

So, after that email, I've decided that I'm not emailing her anymore. If she values the friendship at all, she can email me. Her husband can call mine. At this point, even if someone handed me a baby or I got miraculously pg, I don't think our friendship could recover. Maybe one day but not now. I will not have my responses dictated to me!

And I'm ok with putting the friendship on hold. It sort of surprises me because I'm usually the kind of person who needs to have the last word. I'm not saying I'm right. Maybe we should have seen the baby. We probably should have sent a card (Husband passed on our congratulations to them in a phone call). However, rightly or wrongly, our response to the situation we are in - be it not being around babies or doing something that might cause us pain - has been the ONLY thing we can control throughout this entire process. Everyone else is trying to minimize our situation. Yes, things could be worse. But we have dealt with a lot of crap and pain. And it hurts knowing that your dream of a biological child is gone. We have pictures of 5 embryos that didn't make it, and they are real to us. And when people try to minimize our pain, it makes me want to make more of it b/c if we don't acknowledge it, who will?

I always read that your friends will not necessarily be your friends at every stage of your life. Maybe that's true. I never would have thought that with this couple, but life has a way of surprising you.

I just want peace

It's been a stressful several days. Last week was one of those weeks when just as you thought it couldn't get worse, it did. My best friend is pg (which is not a bad thing but you know what I mean). My relationship with my other friend seems on the rocks because this person cannot understand why it is so difficult for me and Husband to see her baby. I keep trying to reassure her that it's not out of spite but that it is difficult to see her baby. And really, we think it's their happiness. Their happiness hurts us. We are in such a dark, dark place right now and their happiness is so bright.

Work was not fun either. A teammate with whom I have had problems since we hired her blew up at me last week and threatened to walk out. I learned that she considers me the cause of all her problems at work, believes I am actively obstructing her and trying to make her subordinate to me and has no respect for my position and my being in it. Niiiiice. This also coincided with discovering that my former manager had expressed doubts about my ability to do my job. Granted, he doesn't express himself well and I was hearing this thirdhand, but it still hurt because frankly, right now I feel like I suck at my job. And I dislike my job. And apparently my job dislikes me. But I feel rather stuck and unable to leave because I'm in graduate school and enjoy a fairly flexible schedule and would likely need to take a pay cut (because I have no skills). I know that right now my confidence is extremely low because of all the IF stuff, so the coworker double whammy hit me hard. I think I cried three times on Thursday.

Our weekend was good though. We finally crawled out from under the IF rock and bought ourselves an entertainment center AND a new tv. I also enjoyed a much needed long weekend. I felt so tranquil over the weekend. I can't remember the last time I felt so tranquil. It was exciting to spend money on things other than IF treatment...fun things! I really began to feel like everything is going to be ok. It's been hard maintaining that tranquility this week at work, but I really want to hang on to it. I felt like last weekend we met the ghosts of who we were before IF, and it has reminded me that all is not lost or as bleak as I think. It's weekends like that that make me think that maybe I can see my friend's baby and that maybe things will be ok with my newly pg friend. I'm not ready for the stiff upper lip quite yet, but it was nice to be reminded that we are fortunate in so many ways and that our IF is not the end-all, be-all AND that the realization didn't upset me.

Lucky?

In the earlier post titled "People Suck" I mentioned my best friend and her comments to me about how lucky we are and that maybe our IF is nature's way of evening things up.

This friend and her husband started TTC this month and are of course pg. First month trying. Didn't even know when she ovulated. Of course she is pg. And yet she thinks that DH and I are lucky? Ha.

I'm angry and resentful but mostly sad. And of course, not at her but at the situation. It sucks that some people are able to achieve this so easily (I had completely forgotten that sex made babies). And it really sucks that we are likely never to experience pregnancy.

Husband and I are now the only childless ones in our circle, and it feels like we have gone from odd couple out to truly invisible and alone. They've moved on and we've stayed in the same place.

This friend's pg is different than another friend's b/c when that friend got pg, I still had hope that Husband and I would eventually achieve it as well. Plus, this other friend dealt with some IF herself and so it was bittersweet when she became pg...great for her but envy from me on why her IF was resolved so easily (Clomid). With this friend's pg, I no longer have hope of experiencing pg, so it's both better and worse.

I don't mean to sound so woe is me, but I'm feeling very alone today.

As for adoption, we are moving along the path. We're meeting with a domestic agency next week and will likely sign with them if everything sounds good. I'm still scared of domestic, but we can't afford to do international right now if we hope to start saving for eventual surrogacy as well. I need to take a leap of faith that this will work out. Our hope is to be active with an agency by the end of the year.

Happy Anniversary, TTC!

Happy Anniversary to me and Husband. Today is Aug. 13 and marks 2 years that we have been TTC. Two years ago today I took my final BCP. Sigh. I never, ever dreamed that we would still be at this two years later with no sign or hope of a BFP and no baby. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty certain that we are moving to adoption, so I guess that this chapter of our life will be closing.

It's kind of a sad day. But kind of a transitional day too. Since we are moving to adoption, this day marks the beginning of the end for being without a baby of some sort. Maybe that's the way I should look at it. A door is closing. Our TTC door is closing, but the door that will lead to a baby is opening.

In some ways, I can't believe it's been two years. And out of those two years, I felt like most of it was spent waiting. We've had two real chances for a baby (IVF #1 and FET #1). Out of the 5 Clomid cycles, we may have had 2-3 chances of conceiving when I ovulated on the right, but it's doubtful given how distorted my right tube looked by Clomid cycle #5.

We're received some answers (UU, stage 4 endo) but are still left with a lot of questions. I've also experienced more pain--physical and emotional--than I've ever had. As I type this I feel my cyst twinge and my lower back ache slightly. I'm not sorry to put all that behind us.
I'm sad that there is probably a good chance I won't have a biological child. If we do, there's a big chance I won't be the one to carry it. I've been thinking about it a lot today as I struggle always to figure out WHY this is happening to us. I thought a lot about adoption over the weekend. Can we do international adoption? How do I feel about Korea? How do I feel about Vietnam? How do I feel about travelling? Spending $30k? And these are just my feelings b/c Husband and I haven't even talked about it yet, and I don't know if he even wants to go the international route...I know he would for China, but that's kind of off the table for baby #1 since the wait is so long.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. As usual, I'm trying to come to terms with our reality, our situation and figure out WHY this is happening to us. And maybe, just maybe I have a small inkling. At least something I can embrace When I was younger, I wanted an exciting life. I wanted a life less ordinary. I thought that would manifest in a certain lifestyle (wealth? fame?) but I've never wanted to be like everyone else. And I'm not. Husband and I are not. We know we are different from our friends and family. Usually we rue that b/c it's so obvious we don't fit in. So maybe, that's why. We are being called to do something different, to build our family in a different way b/c that's who we are. We can accept that sort of thing. We are strong enough. We aren't going to curl up in a little ball and give up. We'll do whatever it takes and blaze a trail. We know we are stronger than our friends. Maybe reproducing the old-fashioned way is too traditional for us. Maybe it's time I embraced our difference and ran with it.

Maybe I'm just blowing smoke up my own ass, but it makes me feel better, and there hasn't been a lot in this process that has made me feel that way.

In other news, Husband told me on Friday that he needs about a week or so to process the adoption stuff and figure out how he feels. I get the impression that we are going in that direction, but he needs to think about it. No problem. I can give him a few weeks to process. I'm just glad I have a timeframe.

What Next?

Our follow-up with the RE was Tuesday. She was very honest with us, which we appreciated. She estimated our chances at 25-35%. The clinic averages 50% for 2007 with women in my age group (< 34). Argh. She pretty much told us that she didn't know what to tell us to do. If we had insurance coverage, she would tell us to keep trying, but with all of my issues and the fact that with such good-looking embryos we had BFNs on both the fresh and frozen cycles, she, like us, wonders if it is a waste of money to cycle again.

So now what? We discussed protocol changes if we cycled again. We thought we might cycle one final time in the fall, but now I think we are leaning towards waiting a few years...possibly moving to adoption in the meantime and then cycling in a few years with a surrogate. The only unknown in all this is what the endo will do to my ovaries and egg quality. I think it's a gamble I am willing to take. I have no doubt that if we cycled this fall, it would fail. And if we had no embryos make it to freeze, it would be doubly devastating. However, saying that we might cycle again in a few years leaves the door open -- just a crack-- for a biological child. It preserves my hope...just a tad.

I'm not thrilled about the surrogacy idea, but Husband really wants a biological child. If he's willing to pay for it and do it relatively soon AND agrees to adopt, fine. Let's do it. However, after last night, I have no idea where we stand. He has not considered adoption at all and needs to do so and accused me of pressuring him. Ok. I thought we were on the same page. Apparently not. I also found it hard to believe that throughout all of this, he has not been able to consider adoption. Hello! Where has he been? It makes me think he's been sticking his head in the sand. Whatever.

So now I feel like everything is on hold and I have no idea what we'll do next or when. And I feel so down about it and lost.

People Suck

I hate people and usually every day I receive confirmation on why that feeling is justified. Some failed cycle tidbits:

My mother:"C (my cousin's baby) is really mobile now and into everything. Your aunt is going to have her hands full. You should spend a week with her--maybe you'll discover you don't want children!"

Gee, thanks. Wow, what a lot of money we've wasted. Who knew that one week with a toddler would reveal that parenting was not for us?

MIL:"You can't keep doing this forever."
I can hear her slightly tired tone, her whine. Implicit in that statement is the wish that we would just move on, get over it, etc. so she would feel less uncomfortable and we wouldn't talk about it anymore. So sorry you and everyone else are tired of our situation. It's our LIFE unfortunately. We don't have the luxury of hanging up the phone and being away from it. And as someone who fairly easily had two children, who are you to tell us when to stop? You have NO idea of our pain.

K, my best friend:"Maybe nature is telling you that things have generally come easy for you in your life. You breezed through school, you excel at your career, you have a wonderful, devoted husband and a happy marriage. Maybe 'the powers that be' have decided to make something difficult for you."

When I first read that in her email, I was insulted and offended, even though she begged me not to be. It IS insulting. Like life is "tit for tat." And how malicious is Mother Nature/God/whoever if that is true! But now, the more I think about it, the more I've decided that maybe her comment indicates how she sees me and my life. Easy. Everything has come easily for me. Again that whole concept of some people having luck and some people not. Never mind that fact that I worked hard and am conscientious. Yes, comprehension comes easily for me, and I've not experienced real adversity, but still...I worked hard.

I think a lot of people see our life that way (MIL refers to our "luck" as well). And it makes me wonder if it's a case of schadenfreude...they resent our success and cheer for our misfortune. It makes me feel like maybe they think we deserve it. And that's incredibly hurtful.
Oh, yeah, and K is ready to TTC, yet they had to disconnect their home phone to pay for the cable bill. WTF????? And she will likely have no problems conceiving. I bet she'll be pregnant by September. And yet people say WE have luck. Ha!

Decisions, Decisions

I'm feeling kind of numb. The weekend was ok. I had a pretty big crying fit on Friday, but after that I was ok. Husband and I had a pretty nasty fight last night, the kind where doors are slammed and we huff off to our separate corners. It was my fault. I felt we were being slugs and it irritated me and I commented on how he hadn't done anything all weekend. I really should have expressed my frustration over how WE hadn't done anything all weekend and how I wish we had more motivation instead of being so mean to him. And now everything is awkward and weird.

We did have a good conversation about what to do next. Bottom line is that we are undecided for now, and I guess we'll discuss it more after our follow-up tomorrow. Basically, though, we both agree that we don't have much hope that another cycle will work. His fear is that even if we manage to become pregnant, my UU will kick in and cause me to m/c. It's a valid fear. Though my uterus would likely be able to carry a baby ok, we don't know for sure. Would bed rest be in my future? Cerclage? Pre-term labor? Premature baby? Developmental disabilities? Very valid concerns.

My belief is that we will never have to test my UU because I think it's unlikely I will ever get pg. I just believe that I have too much stuff wrong with me...some major underlying hormonal issue probably: pre-AF spotting; post-AF spotting, endo cyst, elevated testosterone, possible PCOS. When you consider all that and then throw on the added bonus of a uterine defect, it has to make you wonder if this is Mother Nature's or the universe's way of saying nothing's going to work.

Part of me wants to plunk down another $10k ("only" 10k b/c we have about $1k worth of meds leftover) to try, but another part of me feels like that would be foolish. We'd literally be flushing $10k down the toilet with nothing gained but certainty and heartbreak. And neither of us wants to do many more cycles. We just can't. This is an addictive roller coaster, and we want off. I don't even want to consider the possibility of immune issues b/c that's likely to bring a small glimmer of hope if we spend even more money. Maybe I'm silly, but as of 8/13 we will have spent 2 years down this road, and I'm ready to move on. I feel like I've lost two years and I don't want to lose more. I can't keep facing such extreme cycles of hope and despair. Maybe if we could do 4, 6, 10 more cycles, we'd achieve pregnancy and finally know how to work with my body. But I really don't want to do that.

But are we ready to move to adoption? And if so, are we ready to seriously consider international adoption or stay with domestic?

Definitely thoughts to ponder.

My Problems

The cause of our infertility is primarily (like 99%) my problems. The main problem is a unicornuate uterus. This means that I have only half of a functioning uterus. The left side did not develop. Hence the "unicorn" of the title. It's supposedly a very, very rare uterine defect, which sort of adds to my self-centered, narcissistic feeling of being picked on by the universe. I have two kidneys, two ovaries and two tubes (all things that people with UUs can be missing), so it's only the left part of the uterus that didn't develop.

I also have a lovely case of stage 4 endometriosis. Thanks to it, my right tube was hopelessly damaged and had to be cauterized. It also leads to endometriomas on my right ovary and I suspect the post-menstrual and pre-menstrual spotting I have. Though I haven't had all the tests for PCOS, I did have my testosterone tested, and it came back slightly elevated, so that combined with my hair issues, ovulatory dysfunction and a few other things makes me wonder if I also have PCOS.

Because I'm paranoid and generally a pessimist (I prefer realist) - even before we knew about our IF problems, I'm sure I have immune problems as well. Why not?

So far we have completed (and failed) 1 IVF and 1 FET. I don't have any embryos left, so it's on to another IVF in the fall probably.

Hi

I have toyed with the idea of having a public blog in which to discuss my infertility struggles for a while now. I have a private one where I can let fly all the mean, nasty, hateful, evil thoughts I have, but I had struggled with taking that public. This week I decided that I would start one if my FET cycle failed, hoping against hope that I wouldn't have to and thinking that maybe if I started one before I knew the outcome of the cycle, I'd go to all this trouble only to have to close it or make it a pregnancy blog. Ha ha ha. Silly me! I could have started this blog DAYS ago.

So, yes, this blog means that the FET cycle failed. It's not a surprise. Thanks to HPTs taken Monday-Wednesday, I knew for sure which way the wind was blowing days before the beta. Husband and I have let the family know and received the usual platitudes and occasionally infuriating comments. I just begged him to let us move out of state and change our names a la the Witness Protection Program, but he said we can't afford to. Damn infertility. I can't escape it anywhere.